The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH and I have just restarted couples counselling and were asked to do a list of what we would like to share in our lives and what is separate. We worked on our lists individually and the difference in our approaches is huge. AH's list is full of emotions and feelings and states of being and my list is full of practicalities and chores.
It just made me think how much I've lost my dreams.
I know what you mean Milkwood. I posted this week about wanting my AH to buy out my half of the house since we are separated and he has been sober, working a good program and working again but we are nowhere close to living together anytime soon. We do things together often but we have our space. Anyway, he accused me of only caring about money. It got me thinking - it is very important to me after all we've been through to protect myself in ways like that that I can have some control over. Emotions and dreams? Those are another thing entirely. I am very closed off in going there with him. I'm very guarded but he wants to move on with family and future plans while I'm not ready to feel warm and fuzzy about us and the future anytime soon. Too scary to go there. Don't have a timetable for when that changes but we too are going to go for counseling so we can talk over some of these hot topics in a controlled setting.
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Aloha Milkwood and just for me maybe you haven't lost your dreams. I didn't loose mine and know what you're saying and what I found out was that being married to and living with an alcoholic/addict wife the trust and hope that dreams would come true get pushed aside by the nightmares of living within the addiction. She didn't want a hope and dream to come true that didn't include the next drink or drug...recovery is about being responsible for making my dreams and hopes arise and come true whether the alcoholic/addict is still drinking and using or not. Stay in recovery because what you get from it will be beyond your wildest imagination.
It is interesting to start seeing a little of what is in the other person's head. I remember when it finally dawned on me that my AH wasn't lying to me all the time just to punish me. I realized that he had literally never been taught to tell the truth. Wow! That was not something I had ever thought of. I assumed everybody's parents taught them not to lie. Ha ha ha
Anyway, I hope you gain some insight that will help you in your recovery.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Milkwood, when I read what you wrote, my thoughts were similar to Jerry's - More or less that he has contributed to so many hurt feelings, emotions, and such that now you are necessarily guarded. As the alcoholic, he instantly wants your trust and love without changing. It actually does make sense to me and I can relate with what you are feeling. Your list may be about chores and practicalities because you don't trust him with your feelings and just wish he would act responsible.
Also, I agree it could be helpful to envision what are hopes and dreams you have for yourself alone, for your spirituality - hopes and dreams aside from the marriage?
I love the ESH you have received and I have nothing to add really, .. I just wanted to send you love and support .. I understand how conflicting things can be when it comes to how much has changed when nothing has really changed at all.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I really appreciate all your ESH and value the alternative points of view - they have struck a gong that is still resonating in my heart and mind. Thank you so much MIP family.
Just for the archive - it turns out that AH googled his list - copying the words from websites on relationships! So sad.
OK - now back to thinking about and acting on the great ESH that you've gifted here (and another lesson learnt about keeping the focus on oneself!)
