Needing advice-very new - Al-Anon Family Group

padodi · Newbie

Needing advice-very new

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Padodi. Please keep coming here, and consider doing yourself a giant favor by attending face to face Al-Anon meetings in your town. Immersing yourself in this can help you find peace regardless of whether she continues to drink.

As you read through some of the pages here, you will see there are many parents of alcoholics or addicts. You may benefit from learning the experience, strength and hope they provide.

Keep coming back and sharing your experiences.

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Welcome!

There is a meeting starting right now, please come join us:)

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome padodi--

please keep coming back; so much strength, experience and hope here. You are not alone and living with this disease is too much for most people.

YF

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Padodi...Aloha and wellcome...what attracted you here is reading our experiences strengths and hopes and we will share that with you openly and honestly. We don't give advice and ought not. My eldest son just relapsed and it has torn his family to shreds. I've been there when he drank and used as a teenager and was very glad I was in Al-Anon at that time. I know this disease...I was born and raised in it. I am powerless over it and I do not move in responsibility without first listening and then asking myself what it is that I can do in it. I don't do their responsibilities I suggest and support from what I have come to learn and practice and then I turn it all over to my Higher Power. We stay within reach and don't grab on because we leave him and them to their own consequences. Yes if there is and have been emergencies I know how to participate and honestly if I don't know how or don't feel like I should I turn it over again. Regardless of him being my son and she being my daughter-in-law and the children being grand and great grand children there is a very fine line about where our responsibilities are. If we take over it is from my experience that it will result in them being even less responsible than before we did. Enabling makes the disease grow. Relying upon a Power Greater than Ourselves has it go the other way. There is much to learn here and in the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. I hope you have a good meeting on the board tonight. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

padodi · Newbie

Thanks everyone. I will indeed keep coming back. Everyone is so welcoming! I do believe my HP brought me to this site! Jerry F., your words must have been what I needed to hear. They made me cry big tears! I need to be with people who understand more than anything. Thanks.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome! YOu have made a great first step coming here. That is always a hard one when kids are involved. How old are the kids. There are many considerations.

The important thing is you. The more you learn about Al Anon the more you will gain confidense how to deal with your Webe are always here to help.

I don't know if daughter can make sure the kids have their needs met? They must be safe first. Know how to call 911, how to call you, safe neighbor to go to, not s be in the car if mom has been drinking.

Myself I would always make sure the kids have food, cloths, things they need. Also I would keep them with me as much as I could.

Your daughter is very sick. It will help her for you to learn how to help you. We tend to mess up when we don't know the truths of our loved ones illness. Getting them sober, volume one, toby rice drew, excellent book.

daughters disease is her own. I always see it as none of my business. She is the only one that may be able to do something when and if she is ever ready. We have to learn to allow the to fall, so they learn how to get up themselves.

please keep coming. Love,debilyn

tortuga · Senior Member

WELCOME padodi. Please come back here and don't feel scared to share, this is a safe place with people who understand, for they have been there where you are at. the first thing I learned about when i first came here about 2 years ago, was my role of enabling. I heard it for the first time, before that I thought i was a victim. ANd the position of victim isn't a good one to grow in..it takes all our power away. so i learned about my role, how I needed to change. I was so scared in the beginning that i thought I wasn't able to do it. But i came back ,because the stories and experiences I read here hit home with me, and made me feel less lonely. I learned from others walking on the path, with more experiences, with more patterns that had already repeated for them. And I came to understand and then I could start working more on myself and the focus was less and less on the drama around me. I had to review my responsibility towards people in my life, and most of all, TOWARDS MYSELF. self-worth, self-love and the world would change. I also review my boundaries. That's a good thing to do now and then with everybody around me

it's hard work with the truth and in all honestybut i think today it has been worth every struggle. And there are some good days and some less good days, for recovery is a constant work in progress, it's never perfect. Allow yourself to be human and patient. Your life is worth it.
I'm happy you found this place

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm with Debilyn on this one..... make sure the kids have food, clothes, things they need and keep them with you as much as you can. Of course, that all depends on the distance between you and them. I have 2 daughters who have not moved away for work and one daughter who has moved 1000 miles away. If something happened with the close daughters I could easily swoop in and take care of my grandkids. And I would lie, cheat and steal to be able to. With the one who lives so far away I would have a harder time but I would figure out something, I hope.

Keep coming here to take care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, you are of no help for the kids. AlAnon helps you become mentally, spiritually and emotionally strong. Learn all you can.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Im glad you found this site. I recommend you go to your nearest Alanon meeting in your community, you will recieve a warm welcome and some great reading that will speak to you and give you the information you need. Its such a difficult situation to be in and I wouldn't make any major decisions until you take some time to recover and learn about this disease and how it works.

Taking the responsibility of your grandchildren may be an extremely tempting thing to do, I have not been in this situation but I am learning to detach from my own son, I would see this as enabling your daughter to continue in her disease, it would give her the green light to go for it with her drinking because you have interfered and taken away her responsibilities. Your grandchildren may also loose their Mother altogether. I imagine this must be the worst situation to be in.

There are a lot of parents on this site who know exactly what you are going through and can offer you their experience strength and hope.x

-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 4th of February 2014 03:24:53 PM

-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 4th of February 2014 03:31:31 PM

padodi · Newbie

Thanks everyone. Your kindness is making me so emotional right now. We have been doing our best to take care of the kids all of their lives. We eventually went to probate and had 100% custody of the youngest and 50% of the oldest (They are presently 8 and 10) Now that they are older they are back with mom, but we still maintain 50% custody of the youngest, and he comes to us every weekend. The oldest goes to his dad's every weekend. I at least know they are safe on the weekends, but this also enables her to continue her destructive lifestyle. I am working up the courage to get to an al-anon meeting. I know it will be good for me and in turn, good for the kids. That's all I care about. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with her as I am afraid it will only hurt them in the long run.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Padodi: Welcome to MIP. I can so understand your questions and your dilemma - especially with grandchildren involved. Al-Anon meetings will be a very strong source of help and support for you as you make choices that are necessary and loving - not just for your children and your children's children but most critical - for you. I am a grandmother. I understand the dilemma you are facing - most especially when considering if by helping with the grandkids you are enabling your daughter to keep on with her lifestyle. Al-Anon will help you answer those questions for yourself. It might also help you see options that you didn't see before you attended the meetings.

Please keep coming back here, too. There are several of us on this board who are grandparents and some of us share your experiences, too. (((padodi)))

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome! I truly feel we are going to be blessed by watching another Miracle unfold among our mist. Just admitting you are at the end of your rope, says you have hit your own bottom. And until we do that, and concede to it, acknowledge our powerlessness, and learn healthier ways to be present and available to the alcoholic, without enabling them our bottom goes deeper, and deeper. It sounds to me that you off the elevator and it put in on the floor of the Miracles In Progress Al-Anon Family Group.. .Welcome Home!

John

PS. I can relate to your situation, in that my son is a alcoholic and I have 4 grandchildren. He is sitting in jail tonight and I'm sending his ex a little money to help her with the kids. I hate to say it, but I am glad he is in jail... it might be all that is saving his life tonight. He is a alcoholic that drinks alcoholically.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

If you think that doing something for the grandkids would be "enabling" her, then you think you have some control over her alcoholism.

She will drink no matter what you do with the grandkids. She will stop drinking no matter what you do with the grandkids. It is all on her!!

Do what is best for you because only her HP knows what is best for her. We just get in the way if we think we can do anything to help or to hurt. We can't. Be loving, kind and respectful, and do what will make you feel good about helping your grandkids. The disease may have their mom, but it doesn't have their grandma.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.