The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been 2 months since Dad died. I sat down with the mounds of paper work, which I've been chipping away at. When I filed his poa, the tears came. I've spent so many years taking care of him, making sure he is provided for as age crept up and visited his mind. I worked ever so diligently to maintain his dignity. He Knew I was his protector, even if he couldn't make sense of it. I had been the parent for a number of years. Now, as I continue in the details of final expenses, organizing and arranging Mothers provision. She, happy. Me, the only child without extended family. Since Mother is the addict, I do feel like an orphan. It overtakes me, knowing there is no one to share memories with. Or the "remember when Dad........?!" I miss my hero, my encourager, the man who loved me longer. I miss his upbeat attitude and love of life. I thought I could take on the Sat morning meetings now, my thoughts are still too fragmented and the tears appear, and then don't quit until the well runs dry. This is the closest to appropriate spot I can vent this. Even my 5 yr old Grandaughter picked up on our societies view and treatment of death. "You can't talk about anyone who died".
I live in subzero weather, trapped literally indoors. Claustrophobic. But, don't want to go anywhere anyways because I may dissolve in tears without warning. Reminds me of when the ex A enjoyed doing that so I have an aversion to showing my feelings. Unless positive, encouraging.
I sleep alone, as I awake often with a start. I have to turn a night light of type on, the tv on so low or Pandora to help turn my thoughts off. Asked hubs if he wanted me to sleep with him tonight (he's always been touchy feely)....he didn't answer me. I then asked what is best for you? Realizing I am restless at times too, I really wanted to know. He didn't answer. So, he answered! That crushed me that he could not be honest with me. 30 minutes later he says...I turned on your pad (meaning my side of the bed).....Are you flipping kidding me???!!!! When his body language screamed all else! I am not worthy of honesty???! So, I am in the bed I've been in for oh, prob a month and half now. What, move out next? I LOATHE DISHONESTY from ANYONE for ANY REASON>>>>>>major character/morality flaw in my book. Intolerant of it. And alone in this. So very alone and the load is heavy. While trying to stay healthy from my own post cancer season.
Thanks for the ear. My friends are Far Away.....who are my family.
I am not worthy of honesty???! So, I am in the bed I've been in for oh, prob a month and half now. What, move out next? I LOATHE DISHONESTY from ANYONE for ANY REASON>>>>>>major character/morality flaw in my book. Intolerant of it. And alone in this. So very alone and the load is heavy. While trying to stay healthy from my own post cancer season.
Thanks for the ear. My friends are Far Away.....who are my family.
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Dear Grace, we ALL need and deserve honesty, it keeps the balance in all things...I grew up with lies, broken promises, dashed hopes and I became a bitter, cynical hate filled spirit b/c of it...unable to trust, not even me b/c my own eyes would see a family member bleeding and hurt and he, usually, would say when I vocalized my "observation" "oh no they are not bleeding, etc".....oh yea,
and as to your dad...I hve a big sister w/ Alzheimer's....the eldist and I talk about her often....she is essentially gone , one of my big heroines who rescued me along w/her older sister when i was 12 from my 24/7 hell....they and their parents tried to adopt me but he would not let go, so they forced him under threat of going to court to "custody share" and so it was...I got a respite...My big sisters made sure i had nice school clothes, transportation to my middle school events, they took me even on their dates....I adored them then and I do now.....I so miss my younger big sis with the Alzheimers.....she is far away from me and I cannot afford as yet to put together a trip to see her b4 this disease takes her in body from us....so i know what its like to have someone leaving me who means so much to me
Sometimes the love and honesty have to come from our own selves....we give ourselves honesty and dignity and usually attract it to us if we open up to it....i am doing that now since i got into recovery.....but yea, I can relate to the "I hate liars" ....I have no use for one who is a liar.....how can i trust one who cannot even be honest w/themselves?????
hang in there and try and get into some meets and if u don't have a sponsor, I think now is the time to be looking for one...mine is worth her weight in gold....we work the steps together, she gives me "homework" on topics, (usually step 4 related) she is a stepaholic...old school , like my former online/phone sponsor.....i would give my eye teeth to find some coda or acoa meets in my area, but they are not available...so i go to the online ones....I see some of the "regulars" and I "hang out" with them in chat room after meet...I get some great ESH from some of the "oldies" that have been around for a while.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am so glad that you shared your pain and grief with your MIP family. Grief is a real process that must be walked through one day at a time trusting that it will get softer and gentler as time goes by.
It sounds as if you were a wonderfully loving daughter who shared a great deal with dad and has many happy memories to rely on. Come here often share your thoughts, pray and trust that Higher Power will lift the great sadness and replace it with bittersweet memories of your dad and your time together.
Staying detached, being honest open and willing with hubby does not guarantee that he will be capable of reciprocating. Honest communication is not a strong suit in an alcoholic relationship .
i have also learned to stop reading anyone elses mind and also have stopped taking offense over issues unless they are openly iscussed. i have found that if I really need a" hug"--it is easier to simply ask for it with no strings attached.
Grieving is indeed a lonely process. I know I have felt as you with the loss of my son. Sharing, remembering, praying and simply putting 1 foot in front of the other each day brought me through the worst of it.
You are not alone. Remember that there is a 24 hour chat open here and online meetings each day.
In my prayers
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 2nd of February 2014 08:54:31 AM
Thank you both for your kind responses. FYI, my hubs is not my A, my ex was, still is. His addiction is cookies. Generally a very nice, kind person. My home is peaceful, no "fights" etc. Yet there was dishonesty with his business dealings, in the beginning....he believed the con men over me. He is a brainiac, super intelligent. So sometimes the lights are on and no one answers in the common sense dept. That is my strength to us. Thankfully, he has "some" common sense....we never would have connected otherwise. Still.....I have my knee jerk reactions to things such as not looking at me when I am speaking (too often)......
The grief however has been beyond description, even though I expected and prepared my family that my Father could go any day at his age. The manner in which he passed is was is haunting to me and I still have trouble eating etc. Also, there is a Memorial Service for him this Thurs AM at 10:00 where he was living.
However, I realize I still am dealing with depression on top of my grief. I do have SAD...being a beach girl and living in the flat middle of the country in a corn field..... almost. My "city" has edges to it! That is the "corn" etc. In a Polar Freeze. So not healthy for me.
I am starting a Hospice Grief Recovery Group. I also have to deal with the manner in which he passed which was horrific. Esp with my being in the medical field, no one I know has ever witnessed this and his passing was a total failure. He suffered needlessly. I still have trouble eating.
I'll continue to come in. I am unpredictable right now. Thank You for your prayers, ESH and support! Blessings to you!
