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I watch the clock and wonder what will it be tonight? Dinner is ready, the house is clean, things are put away, Ohhh shoot it's 4:30 and the back deck and driveway have not been shoveled, I throw his coat on, boots and mittens, I know I don't have time to do it all but if I get a good part of the deck done at least he will see I tried, well I was going to pass it on as my son did it to avoid my 13 year old being in trouble,
Well sure enough 5:30 rolls around he gets home and pissed off as usual, first can't hide anything from him and he knew someone had worn his coat, that alone is caused for disaster ( sigh ) (reminds me of Goldilocks and the three bear where Papa bear knew someone sat in his chair, tried his soup and bed )then I get the don't bother setting me up dinner, and he's out the door to get the work done that we were to lazy to do,
I sent my son out to help him, but that did not last long, i could hear him from the inside giving my son crap as he was not doing it the right way , I said " kiddo mommy had told to get the deck done before he got home some arguments could be avoided by doing your part " I hated saying that to him because my son does a lot of work for a 13 year old, anyways his reply was " mom it doesn't matter, if it wasn't the deck it would have been something else , dad complains every day " I simply hugged him ,
What more can I do, I can not put his father down , but yet he's right , tonight I'd like to refer to him as my "A" only not meaning alcoholic he's a real donkey's A** , I'm sorry...
What might happen if you told him that you and your son would be going out to eat if he'd like to join you at whatever restaurant you choose one evening this week?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 29th of January 2014 07:00:02 PM
We do that grateful, and he says you guys go, the man as completely forgotten what it was like to be a family man, he's a workaholic, and he finds going out for meals is a waste of money, yet not a problem spending on a 60oz of rye and smokes !
Curious, isn't it? I am glad to read that you and your son are able to get out together and relax at a meal table sometimes. That makes me happy for you.
Gosh I wish I knew what to say but what your going through is tough. I guess if I was a stay at home mom I would do my part the best I can and let go of the rest. I would say what I mean, mean what I say but I wouldn't be mean about it. If it didn't work for him then I would say I'm letting go and letting HP take care of the rest. If he is determined to not appreciate anything I do then it's his problem ....and I would say so. I would say I love you but I can only do my best and everything else your concerned about is not that important anymore. Oh....and we don't need to argue about it either. Now dinner time my dear........
Then I let it go and let HP take care of the rest
((( hugs )))
PS: If no help then Al-anon meetings are a good place for some peace and learning about your part in this marriage. Time to take care of you.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
My dad was a drinker and there was nothing we could do right. I remember being 8 years old and he was teaching me how to fly a kite. I accidentally let the string drop and there went the kite. My dad said you are so stupid can't you ever do anything right? Well, that was 54 years ago and I still feel the sting. Some things just stay with us. Too bad they (the A's) don't see that.
Your post just takes me back to a time when my life was just like this and my poor kids just like yours. It makes me so sad. If only I had Alanon, things would have been a whole lot different for my family.
I spent years tip toeing around trying to make sure he didnt get mad or didnt put anyone down with his hurtful, abusive rants towards all of us really. The difference was I could argue back and try to stick up for myself but the kids, they cant, dont know how to and they have got to take this crap. Its really wrong and my biggest regret was raising my kids around an A. My kids were damaged by this stuff, I was damaged.
I strongly suggest going to face to face meetings, studying the program as if your life and your childrens depended on it. This is not your fault, you didnt cause his alcoholism and theres nothing you can do to stop it. Your kids could have a better chance if you got some recovery, You said you dont want to put the dad down even though the dad is putting his son down. Its not all right for anyone to be put down, this disease confuses us and we think these things are normal and they are not. We dont trust our instincts, when you feel that knot because hes verbally bashing your child, thats the truth, see all the other thoughts that minimise and justify, thats the disease.
I hope I havent offended you, your post could have been me years ago and if I could go back and tell myself something, this is what I would say.
I've had to tell my 11-13 yo son something like "you know that's not your mom talking, that's alcoholism talking, right?"
When my AW went inpatient the second time, to be able to visit her for 1 hour on Saturday we had to go through 2 hours of family education before that. The first session opened my son's eyes big time, there were people asking all kinds of stuff about heroin, meth, and alcohol that my son had been sheltered from. I was sad that he had to grow up so fast, because he was *just* then old enough to learn about this stuff IMO.
After three more of those sessions, my son was starting to be able to understand that mom had a disease, be able to admit some of the anger to a counselor, and be able to hear admonitions and reminders like the above from me and from newly recovering AW.
We have not been to Alateen, but have done some private counseling to discuss this with son since. It has been very helpful to our family, and I don't have to explain/attack/defend mom to him. Well, not nearly as much as without, I wish I was a saint but I'm not.
