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I am having such a hard time with this... this past Sept my AH driving blasted at 6 pm and me crying on the phone as I was trying to figure out where he was pushed is to a different point in things.
I started going to al anon immediately when I avoided it like the plague for the years before. He started to go to AA though that was short lived and half hearted....we have gone through every version of bargaining insanity over the last couple of months...I stopped going to meetings a bit before Christmas.
2 days after Christmas he got blood test results which showed what was obvious that he was really unhealthy his liver Is out of whack severe Diabetes etc etc. he swore this te was different (and I actually believed him....sigh) he is drinking and hiding it and I am no longer willing to play my part of ignoring and suppressing what I know to be true...
I went back to al anon last night....
This is my main struggle....
How to I deal with being in the same house with him...he wants things to be normal and is to be close and I JUST CAN'T...yet neither am I in a place where I am ready to call it quits yet.
I don't yell or argue or criticize I just am cold and distant and I can't get past to an iota...
I feel like if I speak it has to be my truth and heart and I just don't know that will be at all helpful right now as that is full of hurt and worry right now...I don't know how to discern if what I say is meant to control him or is healthy communication of reality with my spouse....
I am terrified to even contemplate step 2 because the thought of someone other than me what the next step should be makes me want to vomit (I think mostly because I fear that under all my denial I know that this will never work...he will not get recovery as long as me and the kids are here providing a cushion to the bottom)
I feel sick every day as I drive home, I feel awkward every time I am near him...
He does all the normal lying/shirking of responsibilities/broken promises...he has never said a mean or ugly word to me...I just don't know how to take a breath anymore...
Thanks for listening
Hi kat
Thanks for sharing. I can identify with all the things you describe. I too used to drive home from work each day sick to my stomach, full of fear, anger, worry, resentment. I didn't want to be with my AH but I also couldn't imagine leaving him. That was just over a year ago. I've been going to 2 meetings a week faithfully during that time, my husband went to AA for a while, but now is trying to do it alone. He's not drinking as far as I can see, but he still has the A behaviors. For me, focusing on myself, going to my meetings, reading this site and my anon books has helped me immensely. I'm still with my husband. I love him dearly. I hate his disease. If I can suggest that you get to a meeting, and keep focusing on you and your kids, it will help. In support, Paris.
Hi, Kat: My sponsor and members in the fellowship that aren't judgmental or shaming have always been a big help to me in working the steps or pouring my heart out safely to when I know its not wise to say what I want to say to the A. I hope you have somebody in the fellowship you can reach out to as you do your steps? Coming back here can be a good help, too.
I have yet to get a sponsor or start working the steps I had taken a good two month break from meetings until going back last night ...thinking getting a sponsor and such is something I need to do, love the meetings just always feel awkward after and leave...sigh gotta get over that I suppose
I felt the same way, Kat. Loved the meetings. Loved the people. Left right after the meetings. Then....things changed. I'm not much of a groupie. I don't like hanging out with groups following meetings, but I have made good friends with members in the fellowship - phone lists help a lot - and that has been enough for me. Maybe you're that kind of person, too?
You don't like group talks, but you do like person-to-person contact?
(((((Kat)))))...I needed to learn soooo badly when I was led into Al-Anon because I knew and knew that I knew that I was in deep trouble and couldn't define from what. The only original requirement for me was to "Keep coming back" and "Listen with an open mind" and that led me to say out loud to complete strangers at that time..."Can you help me"? and the relationships started and when I became the student all of the teachers formed in front of me. Thank you God for bringing me to that door and holding it open as I passed within. I learned detachment and at the same time acceptance both of which are important parts of my daily thoughts, feelings, spirit and behaviors. Its good you went back to your meetings do as much as you are able with the suggestions and Keep coming back to pass it on.
. I am terrified to even contemplate step 2 because the thought of someone other than me what the next step should be makes me want to vomit (I think mostly because I fear that under all my denial I know that this will never work...he will not get recovery as long as me and the kids are here providing a cushion to the bottom) I feel sick every day as I drive home, I feel awkward every time I am near him... He does all the normal lying/shirking of responsibilities/broken promises...he has never said a mean or ugly word to me...I just don't know how to take a breath anymore... Thanks for listening
WOW, what an honest share....Dear Kat42, it takes a lot of guts to really be honest with self AND to share it which you did....and you are correct...this will NOT work as long as he is in active drinking, the only iota of a hope you have of making this work is if he were to get into AA...Get sober....STAY sober by working daily his program and he is at present NOT sober and not in recovery.....so the big question is "what does Kat do for Kat????" I urge you to get into the nearest fac2fac meeting you can find...there is a hotline number, i am sure in the white pages or internet where you can find meets near you....I would go to as many meets as there are days for starts.....find a sponsor who can help you with those life saving 12 steps, but you can, in the meantime get books, I got a bunch of 12 steps worksheets on line, just googling for them....and work them....work the workbooks or work sheets on the steps, beginning w/ step 1 and work it till your instincts tell you you can move on to step 2 and so on......Alanon is a "save your own life" program....its about you....for you....solutions for you.....its not about the drinker, alanoners who work their programs focus on themselves and their well being and leave the drinker to his or her own devices whether they stay married to them or not, alanon is to help YOU.......you will do great with the steps, I feel, becoz of the honesty you display in this post and your desire to change your life.......please give this program and the steps, slogans, literature and the MEETS w/a good sponsor to guide you a chance....You won't regret it....if it can save a wreck like me, it can save anyone.......IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
The only original requirement for me was to "Keep coming back" and "Listen with an open mind" and that led me to say out loud to complete strangers at that time..."Can you help me"? and the relationships started and when I became the student all of the teachers formed in front of me. Thank you God for bringing me to that door and holding it open as I passed within. I learned detachment and at the same time acceptance both of which are important parts of my daily thoughts, feelings, spirit and behaviors. Its good you went back to your meetings do as much as you are able with the suggestions and Keep coming back to pass it on.
OMG...Jerry I can remember when I first got into aca.....I was terrified..skeptical....we had a "chat room, voice" meeting b/c there was none fac2fac in my area...aca and coda are like gold...hard to find so i had to go to skype, pal talk, chat meets, and after a while, got friendly w/some of the old timers and we swapped tel #s....and i will never forget, i latched onto an older guy, an old timer whom i grew to love and I said to him...."Oh R, can you help me????" and he and the other founder (this was on a board who had chat meets..not the voice ones) anway, when I asked him that I had folks come out of the wood work whom I am close to to this day.....folks who are longer term then I and to me, buried treasure.....oh yea, SEEK and you shall find....ASK and you shall be given........sooo true....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
