i keep getting sucked back in - Al-Anon Family Group

hopes314 · Senior Member

i keep getting sucked back in

hopes314 · Senior Member

Hard to type.. please read between the mistakes.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and you are so not alone. Honestly, if you just blindly trusted your qualifier I would be concerned for the pain you would be walking into. That's why the whole focus on you saying is so very important .. omgosg it used to just piss me off. Lol. I know I didn't get here overnight .. so my healing is going to take time. He's going to drink or not drink .. what are you going to do? I love that saying .. have you read any of the series Getting them Sober, Toby Rice Drew. She has a way of talking real life and alanon together .. don't let the title fool you .. is really about the codie in the relationship. I hand learned to trust myself, trust my hp, and it's ok not to trust the A. I'm my case he's not trustworthy .. I can trust myself to listen with my eyes and leave my ears at the door. I can trust myself to set boundaries .. mean what I say and say what I mean and try to remember not to say it mean. My stbax has done everything to lose that trust .. that is on him and it is his to earn back. His sickness has overtaken him and it's unfortunate .. even losing that relationship I have gained so much more. Do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps? It helps. Just keep coming back. Hugs ..

maryanne · Member

Thank you to all who post. It helps us all, many times more than you know.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I've learned that I can trust my eyes and my intuition. I can also trust that my A is an A and will always be doing what an A does or doesn't do in or out of a solid program of recovery over which I have no power or control. I can trust my HP to help me recover from the affects and manipulations of this disease one day at a time. My A will never behave as a person might behave without this disease. I can trust that, too. Expecting myself to deal with the affects of this disease without help from others who are or who have been there has never worked. Being in Al-Anon has made such a difference to me when it comes to trusting my HP, my own eyes and intuition, my recovery program and my right to have a life that is enjoyable with challenges I can meet with the help of my HP. Keep coming back. You aren't alone.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 29th of January 2014 09:54:22 AM

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I have trust issues with my AH too. I am trying really hard to not, but I go with my gut in a lot of situations. Take care.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

hopes314 wrote:
How can have a relationship without trust. I am trying to recover but it is hard because he quit on his own or with his higher power help. He is pretty much a dry drunk behavior except now he is more responsible but I am not convinced that he has stopped since all he does is lie.

As G2B said, The A does what As do, in or out of recovery. One Al Anon slogan goes something like: "their recovery is none of your business", and I agree with it and treat it as such, But at the same time, I struggle with trust as well, and would like to know when and/or how much I can start trusting again. My AW is out of inpatient and sober for 60+ days. I was trying to figure out how much I could trust her, and it is difficult. I really want to, and I believe she means what she says, but when she is active, she really means it but doesn't follow through.

But then one evening, I saw a paper titled "Acceptance" on the door of our counselor. I looked at it and had a revelation. I asked my AW if she knew it, and she said she had it memorized, it is from the AA big book and it gave me a bit of an enlightenment.

The last bit says

Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

I realized then that the attitude is what can tell me my AW is in recovery, and generally establishes that she isn't a drunk, whether dry or wet. When she gets all sounding like she's feeling sorry for herself, life is unfair, this needs to change because of something outside my control, and LYING, then I know she isn't in recovery, or has stepped out and needs help getting back in. this helped codify my feelings pn the subject that I had had for awhile, but I couldn't quite manage to put together without a nudge from AA.

To recover, I go to Al Anon, and gets lots of education. I have read the "Getting Them Sober" book, much Al Anon literature - a good starter is "How Al Anon Works", which explains the steps, traditions, philosophies of Al Anon, and has a number of testimonies from members, including the founder. Also, finding an addiction counselor through my wife's inpatient center has done my whole family great favors.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

From my sponsor and the program I learned a method of "qualified" trust and what I learned partly was not to totally discount my alcoholic/addict wife and trust her for the good stuff she did come thru with and there were many. That lightened the load I put on her whether she was there with me or not. The things I could not trust her with I accepted as what she would continue to do. The drinking, using, infidelity, lying at times and stealing I accepted...she was gonna do those until she no longer wanted to do them...those caused her negative consequences just as they did me and everyone else I talked to that was honest; Guilt, Shame, Anger, Fear and more. She was an alcoholic/addict and I could trust her to drink and use. It isn't a moral issue...its about a life threatening disease which if not arrested by total abstinence is fatal.

When I worked on and got "qualified" trust the disease's ability to suck me into dysfunction diminished and then disappeared entirely. I now use this method in all of my relationship and continue to grow in recovery even to the degree that during inventories I ask myself "what can others expect and trust me for".

The definition of "Insanity" along with other program philosophies help me out. "Doing the same things over and over again...expecting different results". When I use "qualified" trust the expectations and outcomes change and I don't loose my mind or entire self. Today if I get "sucked back in" I take responsibility for it because I have allowed myself to get sucked back in.

Good post....((((hugs)))) smile

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

I completely relate to what you said because I am still in a marriage with an A who although is now attending meetings, I see very little work being done. I am grateful for a number of things my A does, however, I think it is very unlikely I can trust my spouse about not drinking, not lying, not driving while drunk, not gambling, etc. And my A knows this. And I have been able to turn my focus on myself, although I stumble at times. For many years past, I completely obsessed about what my A was doing, who my A was with, where my a was going, etc., etc., etc. All it did was make me sick. Now I put myself first by making sure I get to my meeting, contact my sponsor daily, come to the board, and read. It is possible to feel so much better but no one could have convinced me-I had to learn it myself, Lyne

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Face to face meetings, MIP, reading everything al-anon I could get my hands on and finding my sponsor has helped me learn the tools to get out of my head and live. Keep coming back. Sending you love and support!

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