Do you ever truly get to the point where it doesnt bother you? - Al-Anon Family Group

Akavanagh · Member

Do you ever truly get to the point where it doesnt bother you?

Tasha · Senior Member

:) That wouldn't be very human would it.... no I don't think it's totally possible. But lessening the time you allow yourself to be mucked up by a disease is possible. You might expect to have that knee jerk reaction for a split second before your new recovery self kicks in and reminds you to separate the disease from the person - keeping in mind that this is a sick person, not a bad person. If this person has the disease of alcoholism, they have lost the power to choose - and no one would ever ever choose to be an alcoholic.

After a while it may still be heart breaking and sad to see a person you love so dearly sick, but more like how you would be sad to see them sick with any other disease. I was pretty sad and terrified that my son was so sick with Influenza A this week - but I was able to do the best I could to stay positive and remember he has a HP too.

With all other diseases, it is natural to want to care for the sick person. This is the only disease where caring is harmful. That hurts... we are caring people! It's so important you have reached out to other caring persons like yourself who know what you're feeling and I'm so glad you are sharing what's on your heart and trying to find understanding. What a gift you will be to the suffering individuals not only affected from having the disease, but also affected by living with it - and above all YOU! xxxxxx

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can't speak for others. I will speak for me. It will always bother me (and I've been in Al-Anon for 35 years) that my loved ones are being destroyed by a disease over which none of us have any control. The difference for me - pre-Alanon to now-Alanon - is knowing that I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. And because I know that, I also know there is nothing I can do or say that will change the progressive nature of the disease in my loved one. What I can do is learn how the disease has affected me and still affects me and do what I can to save my own life and my own sanity. Trying to fight the disease is like trying to stop a Mother Bear from attacking me to protect her cubs with my bare hands. Al-Anon helps me stop fighting what is impossible for me to handle on my own. It gives me the knowledge and tools I need to recover from trying to fight it and learning how to live life on life's terms. By doing this, I learn to accept that my loved one is as powerless as I am over the progression of the disease and the anger and hurt is replaced with compassion and understanding. I stop helping the disease destroy me by fighting it and I let my loved one accept or deny that they have a disease for which they need treatment.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 24th of January 2014 12:38:29 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Both Tasha and G2B gave you great feedback. I would say alanon gives you tools to help build up your own self-esteem, purpose, spirituality... It helps you be a more whole person individually so that when you do live with or have a family member that is in active addiction, you can set boundaries, made difficult decisions and be okay with yourself no matter what. Kind of like pre-alanon you would feel like you are on a sinking ship and have no choice but to go down with it or scream at the captain (the alcoholic) to fix it - do this - do that or else. Post alanon - you just jump off onto your life boat and stay safe while they either figure out a way to fix the ship or not but you know you'll be okay. Nothing stops it from being a shame that the ship is sinking and nothing will make you okay with that. I'm big on metaphors these day lol.

I'm sorry for your pain Akavanagh. It's a raw deal to be married to an alcoholic that isn't ready to get sober.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

They are both right. I'm doing great being in Al-anon just a little over a year but I still worry and fear, get upset and want to control. I have been doing it for the last couple of days and for no reason. What we learn in Al-anon is to keep the focus on us and not dwell so much on the alcoholic that way we aren't hurting or upset about it. It's progress not perfection...

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

There is so much to learn through working the 12 steps .. what i learned is the above, yes .. learned i couldn't change even me by myself .. i would keep doing the same thing i'd always done before until i began to focus on me and learn from others with shared experience .. i was powerless to walk away and powerless over reacting .. what began to change my reacting was through attending meetings, listening, getting a sponsor, reading literature .. etc .. my understanding began to change for the better .. in alanon there are the first 3 steps .. 1 admitted we are powerless and our lives have become unmanageable (prealanon, all i could do is admit how the alc had a drinking problem; i didn't know i had a problem too. in fact, i might have had more; i had more anger, more confusion, more worry, obsession, etc .. you name it .. i had tried everything i could to control the other and myself .. none of it worked .. 2 came to believe a power greater than ourselves (me) could restore us to sanity (clearer thinking) prealanon i came to believe every negative thing the alc / addict would say about me .. seemed everything was my fault; i believed it all. had to come to meetings to begin to believe another way .. 3. made a decision to turn our will and our life (everyone around us, family friends, kids, etc .. part of our life) over to the 'care of a higher power .. prealanon, i tried everything i could think of to fix the other person .. didn't realise my fixing could also become a problem .. worked much better to turn it all over to god .. but nothing happens just like that ..

ignoring and pretending are never 'good or healthy 'solutions .. learning to focus on ourselves however is .. takes time .. if you get the chance, attend those face to face meetings .. will help you much more .. there is no one answer, etc.. the answer is joining together in fellowship .. the solutions are different for us all ..

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Greetings Akavanagh,

I love Tasha's simple reply that it wouldn't be very human of us not to be affected.

I went through a long period of time thinking that I just needed to rise above the chaos and ignore it to the best of my ability. A case of hope over adversity I think! I wore delightfully pink rose coloured glasses and they served me well in their way, until I found myself in the midst of such hurtful behaviour that I simply could not ignore it any more.

One day I wondered why I felt like a bit of fraud and I promised myself that I needed to be honest with, and for, myself. I have always expected consideration in others so I was not accomplished at expressing my needs. I had no idea what boundaries were or why I might even need them.

Eventually I asked myself 'why do I put up with behaviour in AH that I would not tolerate elsewhere'. That was the beginning of a change in me. I'm still learning and have a way to go in the fretting/resentment departments but at least I'm taking care of my self esteem and these days I'm much more likely to say 'I'm not comfortable with this'.

I think that the above are natural growths - I've been a slow developer!! The counterintuitive part is that expressing anger or upset to AH is pointless and unhelpful. It simply does no good and leaves me disliking my own behaviour at the end of the day. For where I'm at these days 'keeping the focus on me' is the most helpful thing - that way I can establish that I'm uncomfortable with something, work out what I can do to feel better and then, if I need to, simply state my case without any unrealistic expectations.

Thank you for the opportunity to reflect on this process a bit.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

My AW is 60+ days sober now, without driver's license from two DUIs. The other day I got a phone call from her, and my "drunk radar" went off. Normally, if she's been drinking, I know within the third word that she says on the phone, and it sounded like it. We had a bad connection, so that may have been it, but I am rarely wrong.

My gut tightened. I started panicking, wondering if I should leave work to make sure she doesn't hurt herself. so, no, I haven't gotten over not being bothered by it.

But then I stopped and evaluated. She likely couldn't be drunk, she was out for the first time since she went to rehab with a friend of ours that she would not have drank with. And besides, she is on an alcohol monitor and will get busted that evening when she took the test.

Then I again stopped, and realized that none of that really mattered. The only thing that really mattered was that we had an agreement that if she drank she goes into detox/halfway house immediately. And she has no keys so she can't drive, so she (and other drivers) are safe.

So when I got home, and I opened the door, I had my plan in place, but only in case I was right. And my stomach was still tight, and I was freaking out a little inside, but I had a plan and knew I would be able to execute. After talking to her a minute, it was obvious she hadn't been drinking, and my radar maybe isn't being used as much as had been previously so is a little out of calibration. And she didn't even know that I had the feeling, we didn't have to have some fruitless discussion and I didn't have to embarrass her, which I would have pre-al Anon.

So, I don't think I will ever get over it. But I have chosen to have different reactions to it, ones that are under my control. I have chosen to be able to step back and take a deep breath and not panic.

For active As, some people choose not to participate with them, so if A is drunk, they go somewhere, whether to friend or relative's house, etc. Others choose to go to another room. Others say the next time and they are done. It's all up to the individual and their wants/needs/serenity. For me, the important thing is to know where the boundaries are and what the plan is for when they are crossed, and then to actually execute that plan.

Peace
Kenny

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

With the use of the program and all of its tools and with coming here and reading with the willingness and humility to relearn and practice "new" stuff it will get to the point where detachment for the right reason and in the right way will severely lessen the affect it has over you. Bother?...maybe a different word? Concern? that could be different...one of the ways I learned in Al-Anon was to be empathic and compassionate for the alcoholic and others and also to always put HP in the middle between what happens and how I respond to it. I have never liked being "bothered" because that really tells me that something or someone is interferring in my life without my permission and detaining me from working my own life. Read the literature about the subject of detachment and the posts here and the meetings you go to. When I really learned how to love my alcoholic/addict and myself at the same time, I stopped being bothered. Great Post...gonna come back and review it later.

Mahalo MIP ...((((hugs)))) smile

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Its the exact opposite of pretending. Its about taking back your own power, focusing on your own life, taking responsibility for your own feelings. Its a process though, I dont know if I could just try it all without learning about the philosophy first. Go to face to face meetings, pick up your literature, start working on your own recovery and then it will begin to make sense. My life is more honest now than its ever been so definitely no pretending that all is okay when its not, its about facing facts, the alcoholic has a disease, you cant change that, they behave badly at times, you cannot change that so you either leave or learn to live with it in a way that doesnt hurt you. We only hurt when we let ourselves be hurt. Do the work and you will get the rewards.x

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

Oh gosh, I hope so! ((( e-hug )))

kickstart77 · Member

Yes. I became numb. And sadly, when he responded in his same, violent, accusing way for nothing provoked or deserved, I even got to a point when I laughed. Laughed because I couldn't even feel it anymore.

I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. And so I left.

MorningGlory · Veteran Member

I am finding that I am beginning to accept the fact that the husband is going to drink... regardless, he told me as much, so that does not concern me as it once did. I have chosen to stay for today. My boundary is 2 beers ( and he knows this), had more than that and your on your own buddy. I am not rude, if I walk in and he's been at it, I say , "hello" and walk on by and go get doing something I enjoy. ...it's like expecting a pigeon not to poop... a work in progress! One day at a time.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Let me say this, once "I" learned that my AH was very sick, he was born with a predisposition to be an addict, he could not just choose to stop using, that he craves a drug every minute, compassion came.

It was no longer oh you are naughty to drink, it was not personal. It is neither good or bad. If he chose to remain clean for awhile, then I saw he was drunk, I just acted like I always do. Just loved him, laughed with him, held his hand, kissed him.

Of course they are going to use, they are addicted. Their bodies are telling them to do whatever drug.It is a sickness, not a choice. How can I be mad or upset at them when its not their choice.

In face it made me love my Ah more. I realized it had zero to do with me. For me it was more I hated to see him under the influence becuz it made him a fool. I liked respecting him.

but that all went away when i learned the above.

Just was not my issue at all. I loved the man.

A persons using is not a gauge if they love me or not, it is not a sign of weakness. Its a disease.

The way he was all fell into place. What made him not like to go anywhere very long, or go overnight, he had to know where he could get drugs. He needed things to be a routine as that routine is part of their illness.

they develop thought patterns. If I stay out of it, then there is no reason for them to rage or argue etc. Its none of my business.

An A gets the drug, uses it, all the while thinking about how they will get more, how will they leave to go get it. then get it come home, do it, then the cycle starts again.

Thats why you hear the love the needle. They love the whole routine.

Of course some rage and argue etc becuz they are that kind of person. For me, I saw how my AH was pretty easy to be around. If he did get nasty or off the wall, I just did other things, left the room, went to read or do chores or go for a walk whatever. and i mention I did that all the time so he never realized it was cuz the disease was more than I chose to be around at that time.
Even sober i left, read, played with the horses etc.

I have a girlfriend I have had almost all my life. I NEVER know if she is drunk or sober. I just love her.

A wonderful person can be an A as well as a crabby ole jerk. It does not discriminate.

My first husband was so much fun, one of the nicest coolest, funniest people. NEVER was mean to me.

so to answer your question it all rests on YOU. What you learn, what you choose to accept and believe. They are not going to change. They will always be an A. Being an addict is so much more than using a drug! That is just ONE symptom of being an addict.

Keep coming! Myself I researched all the physical things drugs do to the body also That was also so very helpful for me to realize what the disease actually does to an A.

our bodies are mostly water. We need our bodies to work at their best. Includes our brains. Imagine putting coke in your car instead of gas....where is that going to get ya?

compassion for me is what opened my eyes! welcome!! keep coming!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.