Dilema - Al-Anon Family Group

Milehi-tlc · Member

Dilema

maryanne · Member

Hello...I am very new here...but I read your post and here are a few thoughts that I have..

Sometimes, when we "tattle" on someone they will blame us in the end. We end up without our friend in the long run.

I am NOT giving advice...just something for you to think about. HUGS.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

What others do is none of my business. I will not try and control the situations anymore.

I will be there for my best friend if needed but until then I will continue to take care of me.

karma13 · Senior Member

I would first identify if this affected me, this type of situation is my friends hula hoop/ business so I would stay out of her business. I would not have shared it with my other friend either, for fear she would tell my friend. No matter how this went, I would be there for my friend. As the others said above, I would not involve myself in this because it could turn on me. I could end up losing my friendship over gossiping and it's simply not my business, I would get the focus back on myself. This is not advice, this is what I would do in your situation. Good luck with your decision

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do believe that this is a difficult situation. Al-Anon suggests that we are powerless over others and that we should not create a crisis or prevent a crisis from occurring.

With both these principles in mind I would pray about the situation and listen to this still small voice within for guidance.

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-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 23rd of January 2014 03:14:24 PM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

This happened to me and I had attached a link to the persons dating profile into an email and sent it from an old email address my gf wouldn't have known or been able to track back to me. I know shady but I did it, she found out and I felt like I could stay out of the blame. I would want to know and she was glad that whoever did send it. He explained it away and she believed him, which is fine whatever works for them. Sending you love and support!

Mari1978 · Senior Member

If I stumbled upon a dating website with my friends significant other. I would feel it was not an accident. We are accountable for our own actions. They may or may not do it again. It is none of our business, true. My response would be to the profile on the dating website, simply stating, hey I recognized you and didn't realize you two were dating others. End of conversation regardless of what the reply would be. It is a very difficult situation for you to be in. Whatever you may choose to do or not do I will pray for you to listen to the small still voice within yourself for guidance as Betty suggested.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I would want to know if it were me .. I agree you have to do what you feel is right and live with the consequences. I like what Karen, mari and betty have suggested. At least the information is out there and what your friends chooses to do is her business. Any time there is a question of sexual health .. I would want to know I feel really strongly about that because not everything that is out there can be cured with a pill. Even if it meant a dent in the friendship .. I would prefer a live angry friend than a dead one. Hugs not an easy deal. On a side note .. my stbax accused me of having an affair with a married guy from his job. I know his wife through the program. He didn't know that. ironically, stbax was the one having the affair. Anyway, I did not share that story with her because I didn't want to upset get in jest. I knew what was true and it was weird for my stbax to act out that way. I didn't know how her husband would react.Honestly I figured my stbax was looking for a reaction out of me or this guy. I laughed .. it never happened and that was when the sheriff got involved in my case. I never heard another word about it. I turned to the traditions to help me answer my "do I tell" question. Hugs ;)

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I would want to know if it were me. In fact, I was told by one of his coworkers that "the wife is always the last to know....." was how she worded it. He was deep into his alcoholism by then and we were not having sex anymore (because he couldn't and because I wouldn't). Anyway, after he had been sober for a few months (this was a few years later) I asked him if what a coworker said about him was true. Right away he was defensive and deflected back to the coworker..... I never told him who the coworker was. But I admired the coworker for having the guts to tell me for my sexual health. Who knows what diseases are being spread, or not.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me I have to be true to myself. I would not be a good friend if I kept something I knew away from the one I am suppose to be most honest with.

I would go to the S.O. and tell them if they don't tell her, I will. immediately. Take the power out of my hands and put it where it belongs.The SO needs to be straight with the other person.

Myself, these days with all the killing std's I want to know if the person I may be intimate with is not being faithful.

A true friend is a real treasure! sending you love,debilyn ps al anon teaches us not to take away consequences for someone elses behavior.

SO is blowing it, you accidently saw it, natural behavior of a true friend is to tell their friend....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a friend whose husband made a pass at me once. I was totally surprised by it because I'd always seen them as a happy couple and never saw him as somebody who would ever try to or cheat on his wife. I wrestled with whether or not to tell her and ended up deciding that I was not going to be the one to take that kind of information to her. I withdrew any contact I had with him - knowing I probably wasn't the only one he tried this with - but stayed friends with her. I did let him know how surprised I was at his behavior and how much I cared about his wife and her right to be treated with care by the man she had been faithful to and loved for years. I did not want to wound her with information that most women don't want to believe anyway but was prepared to share it if she ever shared with me doubts of his infidelity. She didn't.

He died suddenly of a heart attack within a short time of what he tried with me. I was very grateful that I never told her what had happened. It would have only added to her grief.

These kinds of things don't have a solid answer. I think they are questions that must be answered deep within one's soul. Had it been a different friend with a different husband, I may have made a different choice. But, again, it would have been one I made after much prayer.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 23rd of January 2014 07:51:26 PM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

If I were faced with the dilemma for someone else, I would pray and wait for whatever I'm guided to do as the next right thing. If it were me, I would want to know, but this is also loaded with tricky feelings...

Not the same thing, but similar thought process was when one of my girlfriends was delusional about her love interest; the man was obviously not interested and she was hearing wedding bells. I wasn't sure if talking with her would be helpful or make things worse...she was telling people she knew who she was going to marry and they weren't even dating. it was incredibly painful to watch the truth manifest, and, it only came when he hit her over the head with it a few times. It was a long, slow road over many months for her recovery, as in her mind, she felt very mislead. There was not much I could do but pray and be there for her if she wanted my company.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Most guys will respond "that was an old profile from when we were split , arguing or before we met" or "I just have it up to talk to people. I'm not allowed to even talk to other women!!" Or "one of my friends is screwing with me"...I am guessing the SO has already planned how he will lie if confronted. Taking that in mind...I might stay out of it. Who needs the drama? I have enough dealing with OPP (other people's problems) at work.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

For me this is 3Cee stuff and also reminds me of gossip and critizing which we speak of at the end of meetings. I need to also understand that I don't know anything or everything about the relationship and that most of all causes me to think the message "Could I be wrong"? It really is none of my business at all and to the best of my ability I will not participate in that process...it solves nothing and usually makes things worse. Just for me. So in short I guess what I'm saying is its no longer a Dilema. Thank You AFG. (((hugs))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

What Jerry said is true - None of us know everything about people's relationships. For all I know, they are swingers and she has a profile up too. I don't even know that the guy would need to lie... Especially in gay relationships - half of them are "open" anyhow - or so it seems. Shrug.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.