how do you know Is Al-anon for me - Al-Anon Family Group

Miamamamia · Member

how do you know Is Al-anon for me

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Welcome to Miracles in Progress

Members of Al-Anon are all kinds of people from all walks of life: wives, husbands, lovers, sisters, brothers, children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, parents, and coworkers of alcoholics. No matter what our relationship has been with a problem drinker, we share a common bond: we feel that our lives have been affected by another person's drinking. We meet together to share our experience, strength and hope.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Please seek out a face to face meeting in your area to attend.

Please keep coming back and sharing.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Miamamamia and welcome to the board...how you know if Al-Anon is for you is one...you continue to come here and read the shares of those you now know and two is you find Al-Anon meetings in your area where we meet and when. Look in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number and call that number for information. Check at the Al-Anon.com website and click on meetings is another way.

Alcoholism is the dependency to this mind and mood altering chemical. He drinks and then it touches him and everyone around him. Negative personality and behaviors are part of the identification of the alcoholic and you coming here asking is also an indicator. We who are the friends, family and spouses of the alcoholic go thru the drama and trauma of the disease without anesthesia to block out reality and we go thru it "wide awake" which you are doing now. The consequence for us is insanity...feeling crazy all of the time and helpless to change it.

Keep coming back here and read...read previous post from others who have been or are in the same place now so that you will know that you are not alone in this and that there are solutions. ((((hugs)))) smile

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

Yes, it is exhausting to walk around your own home on eggshells. Physically and emotionally exhausting.

It isn't about the spoons or the scratch on the floor. He has a disease that makes his thinking irrational. He needs the kind of help you cannot give him. I have learned the only thing you can do to help him is help yourself. It doesn't happen overnight but I felt relief from my troubles within a few face to face meetings.

How did I know that al-anon was the right place for me? Here is a link to the quiz I took online.

www.al-anon.alateen.org/affected-by-someones-drinking

(( big e-hug ))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, im not sure if your husband is an alcoholic but I can certainly relate to how you are feeling and you are the most important person. It sounds like you have become obsessed with your husband, that is one of the symptoms of being affected by alcoholism. I became very obsessed with what he was doing, what mood he was in, how much he was drinking. Just about every thought I had was about him and I neglected myself and everyone else in my life. I became resentful, angry, ashamed and full of self pity. I left after almost 20yrs and ive been in alanon for almost 2 yrs and I can say that I can face myself for the first time ever, I am more confident, self assured and living life on my own terms now not dependant on his moods or his opinions or his put downs and to think I thought he was always right about everything.

Miamamamia · Member

Thank you , I did that test and answered yes to most cry thank you I am reading a book on codependency, just taking these first steps are so scary , been married 18 years , I'm just scared and looking into things ... crazy because as condescending as he is I feel i need to defend him...sorry just babbling

-- Edited by Miamamamia on Wednesday 22nd of January 2014 01:38:50 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear

You have received many informative and enlightening responses. I would simply like to add that Al-Anon is a recovery program developed by the wife of the founder of AA. After her husband, Bill became sober and was working on developing AA, she, Lois still had a tremendous amount of anger, resentment, self-pity and fear deep within. It was then that she realized that living with the disease of alcoholism affected not only the alcoholic but the spouse, children and everyone that interacted with it .

It was then that she decided to develop a recovery program for the family of alcoholics. It is here that I learned to break the isolation caused by living with the disease, learned how to share my inner most thoughts without fear as well as developing great new tools to live by. You will not be expected to talk about the alcoholic at your meeting. We keep the focus on ourselves, our feelings and develop healthy tools to live by. I urge you to try at least six different meetings before making any decision.

It was at these meetings that I learned to act and not react which helped restore my self-esteem and confidence. I now know how to live one day at a time, focused on myself and my needs. I learned to do this without abandoning my partner and stll treated him with courtesy and kindness.

There is hope and help. Please keep coming back

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so glad you found us here at MIP! Keep coming back and read everything al-anon you can get your hands on, that helped me a lot. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Just want to let you know that your not the problem , you can never please an alcoholic we keep trying to improve ourselves because we are some how convinced that we are the problem . Just when you think you have reached their expectations they raise the bar again . If your not already please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , you need support from people who understand your situation . It dosent matter how much anyone drinks what matters is how it effects you when they do . Al-Anon will help you with that . I was told along time ago that I was not powerful enough to make anyone drink or stop. An oldtimmer in AA told me to please yourself honey then at least one of you will be happy . I never forgot that it made me laugh .

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm guessing that you became more certain when you wrote your first post. There are so many facets to this disease, it will take time to learn about it, but that is part of recovery. Just know that you aren't alone, there are lots of us, and we have a great support group called Al Anon! Please go to a meeting, and also please look around and post in here. Don't worry about venting, if you need to vent, we all understand, you will probably notice a number of venting posts here.

Peace
Kenny

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

"Getting Them Sober," Toby Rice Drew, volume one. This book will answer all your questions and more I guarentee it.

Being an addict is not a choice for someone. We can do nothing for them, it is their problem not ours one bit. If we interfere it makes it worse.

Most people cannot live happily with an A. It's very difficult. I finally learned thru mip to live my life and enjoy him as much as I could when he was in a good mood. I had animals so had a ton of chores to do, fences to put up, hay to bring in. I liked a clean house so cleaned a lot, painted rooms. I love to read and do research, If I wanted to go somewhere I went. alone or with a friend as he rarely would go. If he did it was no fun anyway.

I just loved him. that was it, hated his disease, the disease lied, was boring, could be mean, wasted time, was stupid. so I detached from all that and enjoyed him when he was sorta him.

If he said mean things I left the room and got busy doing something in the barn or went and read a book. Whether he used or not was none of my business.It just did not matter to me. Even if he got clean, relapse was probably going to happen so I learned to accept my AH as he was period.

I loved the A, of course he drank. Of course he did some, other dope, he is an A.

I felt I stay and use my skills to live with him.

I stay and fight it and be miserable as it was a waste of time, or I could leave.

I chose to hang out as long as I could and glean all I could as I loved the man. sadly the wet brain and brain damage from surgery ended that, he was physically abusive so that was that.

A's are not the enemy, their disease is bless their hearts.

Al Anon is a tool to help us who have an A or A's in our life. In fact we all do in some way or another. Al Anon taught me skills I use every day of my life. Live and let live, give it to God, Their disease is none of my business, I cannot control anyone else but myself. Al anon is for me the greatest teaching tool for life! hugs,debilyn

Miamamamia · Member

Thank you everyone who have taken the time to help me here, thanks for the book suggestions, the heads up, i will join the meetings and follow a local group, I am trying to understand and cope with his behavior , not making excuses for him but I want to make sure I am not making mountains out of pebbles, he drinks sometimes daily, then not , he's mentally abusive but I don't think he knows he is, he comes from a family of alcoholics, was never thought how to love therefor does not know how to love himself,

I need to learn not to let his condescending comments get to me , not to let him hurt me with words. I allow myself to hurt, and I have to stop that. I am much stronger and will not let words hurt me anymore.

I can see lots to learn , it's learning how to apply it into my own life

cwya · Senior Member

Welcome Miamamamia, so glad you're here. My alcoholic was similar to what you describe and in Al-Anon I finally learned that emotional and psychological abuse can be as deadly as physical abuse. It was never about me and how I did things. It was about his need to put me down so he could feel better about himself. This kind of controlling behavior can escalate quickly into truly dangerous territory as the alcohol destroys the brain. I had to decide ultimately if I was willing to die to placate his anger and criticism. I knew I would never be good enough or do things better because there was no real right way. If I was met his 5 star approval rating, he would just raise it to 6.

This kind of abuse often accompanies alcoholism and the harder I tried to please, the worse it got. I decided I was better than that. He chose the disease over me and there was nothing I could do to change it.

Hang in there and keep coming back. You will find the answers you need. Every relationship is different. Al-Anon just gives us the skills to heal ourselves. When I keep the focus on my attitudes and behavior I always find the right path.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

glad you are here too ..

i think my biggest assumption with the alcoholic in my life was to think we both knew he had a problem .. i could see what alcoholism was doing to him .. i couldn't see what it was doing to me .. felt like i'd known him my whole life; turned out i had .. knew the behavior .. noone can decide if alanon is right for us except for us .. i didn't come for me i came for him but hung around when i realised my obsession on him was part of My problem .. in my mind, i didn't have a problem .. he had a problem; His problem was alcohol .. if he would just quit, i would feel better .. for him ? he didn't have a problem, he had a solution and when i came along and started talking feelings, i became the problem for messing with his solution .. with the above, by the time i found alanon Everything irritated me about him .. the way he looked at me, the way he walked, the way he made coffee so to speak .. i realise today, i had a build up of hurt and resentment going on in me .. everything irritated me because it hurt just to look at him; there had been so much harm ..

if you do decide tp try alanon, it is recommended to try 6 meetings before deciding if it is right for you .. there are no rules .. it is also suggested waiting 6 months before making any lifechanging decisions as in divorce, moving, staying, etc .. in my own experience, i would say until after working a 5th step .. the reasoning is .. i was so focused on him, i didn't even know i had a part in anything .. needed to learn, search myself before deciding .. wouldn't want to make a decising i may or may not live to regret later .. the steps may seem scarey (at first) sort of the logic of in the beginning it's always dark .. alanon is a beautiful fellowship and very worth the looking into .. if it doesn't work, we can always turn back ..

truth is we have nothing to lose and everything to gain ..

i hope you keep coming back, learning, reading, sharing, etc .. every newcomer is a gift to us as well .. wishing you much serenity .. alcohol does make problems worse, but it's really a scratch of the surface .. it's the thinking that comes before the drinking .. meetings help to put our own thinking in a better perspective the same way AA is meant to put theirs in a clearer perspective .. it's much more than just quitting the drinking .. real changing comes from within ... ((( much serenity to you )))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.