New to all of this and need major help/advice - Al-Anon Family Group

anm722 · Member

New to all of this and need major help/advice

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Welcome to MIP anm722
Please seek out a face to face Alanon meeting in your area if you can. Please keep coming back here. This is where I started. I also have 3 children (one is 17months old). I understand your frustration. You are overwhelmed, exhausted and I am so glad you have found MIP. These are genuinely caring and understanding individuals. You are not alone.
We can only share our experiences and hopes. We can not advise you on what you should do. (sigh...yes I was hoping someone else had all the answers for me too) I have also learned to most importantly take One Day At a Time :) Breath and you will find your answers along the way. I promise it works. I really had to work on my patience.
Al anon is for you. Alcoholism is a family disease.
Today I would see the workshop being a positive addition to a recovery I wish for my A ;)
Please keep coming back and sharing.

Much love and support to you
M

anm722 · Member

Thanks for your response. I don't really want answers just advice. I know i will make my own decisions but it would help to hear from some people who have been in similar situations.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Anm

Welcome to Miracles in Progress.Mari has provided you with an excellent introduction to our site and Al-Anon. I would just like to add that you are not alone and that what you are feeling is understandable.

Al-Anon is a fellowship of people who have lived or live with the disease of alcoholism. It was founded by Lois, the wife of the founder of AA after he had become sober. It was then that she discovered the bottled up anger, resentment and fear within. The recovery program of Al-Anon is based on many of the tools of AA and is a remarkable effective recovery program for family members.

It is here that I learned to; keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, break the isolation by attending meetings and developed constructive tools that helped me to respond and not react to the world.

If you are unable to attend face-to-face meetings we do have online meetings here two times a day in the morning and evening.

There is help and hope so please keep coming back.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP anm!

Recovery is hard work. My AW is 60+ days sober, and she goes to a LOT of AA meetings. This is all well and good, but she has no license, since she has had 2 DUIs, and we live out in the country. So I shuttle her to a number of places, plus hold down my full time job. It's hard, but every day she meets other people that she is able to get rides from, so my stress level from chauffeuring is going down.

Her recovery, however, is the most important thing to me right now. I will get her to a meeting somehow if she wants to go, I would rather have her wanting to go to meetings, than to have her *not* want to go to meetings - then I know I am in trouble. I also believe that her need for so many meetings will go down over time - but never cease, hopefully. And one day she will get her license back.

Also, the beginning of recovery is still a selfish time. They are looking inward to figure out why their behaviors are the way they are, much as we do in Alanon. At first it seems pretty selfish, but it's what they have to do to be able to stay in touch with themselves and know triggers, etc. And they are scared.

I think there are also more answers to your last questions: Am I wrong for wanting and need some appreciation for being there for my husband? No, you are not wrong. But you still have to decide whether you can put up with it anymore, or whether you are willing to wait for recovery, and quite possibly go through some relapses with him too. Even without the drugs, if he ignored you, you would have to make decisions like that, right?

The counselor at my AW's inpatient center said he knew he was in recovery when everybody finally stopped talking about HIM at family gatherings, including himself. I thought that was interesting, and has come true for my AW as well.

Sorry for all the rambling, hopefully you found something in the above to help. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Peace
Kenny

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

BTW Lois Wilson was the wife of Bill Wilson, the founder of AA. After he started meeting with other alcoholics, he met with them so much that she got fed up with it, she even describes throwing her shoe at him in exasperation. That is why she founded Al Anon, to help the relatives of the addicts with their unique problems, many of which you have outlined, and all of which we are all too familiar with. I hope you can somehow find the time to go to an online or face to face meeting.

Kenny

anm722 · Member

Thank you guys. I think meetings would probably help me a little but like I said I barely have any time to make it to one and the online meeting will probably be my only option. I don't know if I will be able to handle this. I have been through withdraws and relapses with him and I don't like it. I am still young and it's taking a toll on me. I know he was told that he has to be selfish throughout this process and that he shouldn't even be in a relationship while in recovery but he started our family way before any of this ever happened and I have been very patient in allowing him to go through this process. I don't know if this is something I can live the rest of my life going through. What are some things that helped you all to get through?

Mari1978 · Senior Member

When I feel overwhelmed, making time for myself is crucial. I had to start doing things for myself. Going for a walk. Asking for help and reaching out here and to friends and family. I felt isolated, embarrassed ashamed to at first. I am getting better at recognizing when to ask for help. H.A.L.T. stands for hungry, angry, lonely and tired. I use that tool often to recognize when I have been hungry (need to supply the body with the right nutrients, so worried about others I neglect myself) When I am angry, I need to stop and think about why. When I am lonely, reaching out to other Alanon members, MIP is always here and getting a sponsor helped so much. I also reach out to understanding friends and family. When I am tired, I need to make a point of getting rest. I am no good to anyone if I don't take care of myself first.

anm722 · Member

I resent my husband alot. I am very angry with him and I find myself by myself all the time out side of work. How do you get a sponsor and when are the meeting times?

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Online meeting times are 9 AM and 9 PM weekdays. There are also ones on weekends. Click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room above left. The chat room often has people in it outside of meeting times as well.

Something I do is read. Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is a good book, at least for alcoholics, but maybe you can sub out drug for alcohol. I'm not experienced with narcotics, sorry. You can download it for Kindle in addition to buying it online. Al Anon literature is good too.

Also just participating in MIP here helps me stay sane.

Kenny

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Al-Anon Family Group
Meeting/Chat Room

Meetings
9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
7 PM EST Sunday

I posted and read other posts on MIP for a few months before I was comfortable asking someone. I was looking to find someone that had been utilizing the program for some time.
I also know with children it was difficult to get to face to face meetings. I took my little one a couple of times and was grateful she slept through the meetings. Some groups welcome children and some are not so comfortable because it is a bit distracting. I also found the literature to be helpful. Courage to change and One day at a time are both Al anon approved literature.

anm722 · Member

Thank you. Do you guys know of anywhere I can call to talk to someone? I am really not in a good place right now with all of this and I really need some help. I started to see a counselor but I won't be able to see her until the end of this month and not only that she is more for my issues and I want to talk to someone who knows more about drug addictions.

anm722 · Member

And also what kind of things do you all talk about in the meetings? I would like to attend one online tonight but I don't want to come off so angry or say too much but there are so many things I need to talk about and need to get off of my chest.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the best places I found was my AW's inpatient center. They had family education programs, and the counselors there really emphasized the FAMILY aspect of alcoholism, and gave us as much info as they could.

Keep asking questions, we've all been through some aspect of this!

anm722 · Member

Right now I just feel so lost and confused like I have all these emotions bottled up. I love my husband very much and I want very much for him to stay sober but I feel like this is one more of his mistakes that I have to suffer from. I feel as though he should be the one to have to figure out how to balance staying sober and being the husband he is supposed to be. That's why here lately I've been feeling like this is too much for me to handle and I just need to divorce him. Not because I can't handle it but because I don't feel as though he is looking at my part in all of this or how I feel about things.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I haven't been to many online meetings, but I've never been to a face to face meeting where people said somebody new (or even an experienced person) was too angry. We all know how it is, and most of us are still angry to some extent. Alanon asks us to emphasize ourselves in the relationship, since, as you have experienced, so much is about the addict. Getting things off your chest is a good way to get started on that, clear your mind and help you think. And you will get to hear how other people have handled similar situations. There are many different answers, we have to figure them out for ourselves.

There are people here who have left their qualifier, others who decide not to leave. They made the right decision because they made it for themselves. You will learn this too if you stick with the program.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP and I am glad you founds us here. I needed face to face meetings to be able to find someone to talk to and that is where I found my wise old sponsor. Maybe sense he thinks you could benefit in al-anon he could work out a schedule to make that a possibility? Read everything al-anon you can get your hands on, I found a lot of my answers in the reading and in listening to others who worked their programs. Al-anon saved my sanity and I am glad you are open to it. Sending you much love and support on your journey!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

My Dear ANM

My Dear

I hear you and we all understand. We too were lonely, frustrated and angry. Meetings help us to break the isolation caused by this disease, share our pain with others who understand as few others can, and learn new ways to respond and live.

We share, grow and learn at meetings. Alanon's hot line number, in the white pages, is staffed by alanon members who can also hear you and offer support Some are open late you can also calll: 1-888-4alanon.

I urge you to try our program . Even if you feel you will not stay in this relationship for the long term, you will still require a way to release the pain you are now in . Once that pain is addressed you can then learn to have successful relationships without again choosing an unhealthy partner.

You are worth it. .

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

anm722 wrote:
Thanks for your response. I don't really want answers just advice. I know i will make my own decisions but it would help to hear from some people who have been in similar situations.

OK....I was married to 2 alcoholics....1 was an abusive one.........the other a sweetheart......I have 2 brothers...1 is drug and alcohol addict....1 is alcohol addict......i notice that folks w/ addict problems NOT in an active program as none of mine were, they were selfish...unaware of the fact that other folks have feelings, needs, etc.... they are "self oriented" they cannot even fathom what they do to others b/c its all about THEM......

I strongly suggest you get into alanon, get a sponsor to help you with the steps and slogans and MEETINGS.....if you can 't go face to face, then go on line...I did....b/c if you intend to stay w/him, you are going to HAVE to learn detachment...and learn it well, b/c the disease will eat you up, too, if you let it control you as well as it does him......IF he is not going to AA and or NA and really working a strong program, he will be in and out of trouble, relapses, job losses, or not job, and you will be supporting him and his problems, so if you mean to stay with him, you need to get into alanon and learn BIG time how to just detach.....just leave him to his own devices...if he gets in trouble?? let him stew in it....you live your life , its almost as tho you are single but you are not in that you will only be able to count on you...and those kids need you to be in one piece...otherwise we will see them in the recovery rooms.....this active addiction and the behaviour it begets wreaks havoc on children seeing it....they need one parent sane enough to set an example for them...

we have on line meets here every night, I think...I go to meets on line all the time in different sites b/c I need my meets....the fellowship and camaraderie is so healing.....

There isn't much chance if he doesn't get into program w/a sponsor and working the steps and you need to get in your program...

I would not expect much recognition from an addict not in a strong program and w/years of sobriety under his belt....these people CANT do what you want them to do...you have the right to an equal partner but unless he gets in a strong program and is 5 plus years sober, you won't have it....so you work your program....don't make any hasty decisions until you get on your feet, emotionally and go from there

me?? I am very upfront about how i feel about being w/someone with any addiction problem.....I run....I left it and will never go back there.......that is me....some folks stay...some leave.......alanon has given me the strength and emotional sobriety to make good decisions with my life.....when i split w/ my AH #2 , it was b/c I wanted recovery, he did not.......that was it for me......i want to be evenly yoked........

Please give this program a chance.....on line meets, you can find a sponsor after a while, I did..I found a few sponsors during my 12 years going on, recovery....i have one now whom I no longer live near so we use the phone.....i had an ageing on line sponsor who was absolutely great....I loved him dearly....still do, but he is unable now do to health to really do much......

IN SUPPORT

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Great information from the other's- just wanted to say hi and welcome to MIP. I'm glad you found us.

anm722 · Member

Sorry for your lost. I really really really appreciate your honesty neshema, i really do. See that's exactly what I hate to feel. I'm married there is no reason I should feel single. I attended a meeting last night and although i thought i would get more of a "I share my feelings and get a response" it was good to share some stuff and hear that others feel the way I do, but I feel like that is exactly what this program is going to do for me, build me up and give me the strength to move on from this because I know this is something I don't want to deal with for the rest of my life but I don't have the strength in me to leave him right now. My husband is in rehab he went to rehab successfully last year had a relapse but because he had been on suboxone for so long he wanted to get off of it so he went back to get off subs and is doing great with both. He works his program he goes to meetings he sees a counselor and has a sponsor and everything. The only problem is now I feel left out. I feel as though I held his hand as he walked into the door of recovery and sat by his side until he was comfortable enough to handle this on his own and now he has forgot about me. I feel like now that he is making good progress it's a good time to start showing he is thankful and start repairing and making up for wrongdoings.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I was on the chat after the meeting, it seemed pretty hectic, large meeting with up to 27 people! Those can get chaotic, but it sounds like it did you some good, glad to hear it.

You reminded me of something I hadn't thought of in awhile. A good friend of my AW went into inpatient treatment. When she came out, she hardly would talk to my AW, who wasn't diagnosed as A at the time, but was probably getting there. My AW got exasperated with her, and complained that all she wanted to do was hang with her AA friends. AW and friend never really did get back together. I don't know if friend thought AW was toxic, or just period only hung around AA for ESH, or what, not really my business.

Two or three years later, my wife goes into the same inpatient treatment center. She comes out, and she wants to hang out only with her AA friends. Now I'm curious if her old friend will come back into the picture, who knows?

One thing said here a lot: his recovery is his business, and your recovery is yours. If you tend to your recovery, and he tends to his, maybe things will work themselves out. And even if they don't, you will come out of it feeling a lot better, and be able to be a more present mom for your kids.

I hope you can get to a F2F meeting sometime. Ours has had kids in it before, not all the time, but when needed the kids are there. Otherwise, I plan on upping my online meeting attendance, so maybe talk to you there.

Peace
Kenny

anm722 · Member

My name is ashley and that's what I have been using in the meeting so maybe I will talk to you there. I don't know how this may sound to you all but I want to know what he is discussing in his meeting only because I want to know how it affects him and what issues he is having. I want to K ow what he is going through because it helps me understand what he is going through and helps me understand. I want him to know what I am discussing in meetings because I want him to know how it affects me and what things are on my mind as well. I mean isn't that how marriage is supposed to be? Aren't you supposed to talk to your spouse and tell them how you feel and what kind of issues you are having? Honestly I have only attended 2 meetings online and already I feel I am coming closer to a decision for me. Only because I keep hearing work on yourself and let him work on him and things like your going to feel single. Well I don't want to feel like that I don't want to drift further apart and if I don't worry about him and just focus on me I am losing time with him I am not communicating with him like I should be and I feel that's helping to ruin our marriage if that makes any sense.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I read a great book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that helped me to work through some of the things you mentioned in you last post. It helped me a lot, but it is just my ESH and you are welcome to take it or leave it. Sending you love and support on your journey!

anm722 · Member

Thank you

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.