The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since I have come to Al Anon (2012) and also very little before through therapy, I have come to realize, and still realize, my functioning, my triggers, my flaws. my defects. I have not always been aware of, some have functioned as a habit but now that I realize, i am shocked , yes, disgusted sometimes with myself. Accepting it as a part of who i am has been a very painful process. Seeing my co-dependency, realizing that I am probably a love or romance addict (self-diagnosedbut somewhat true since I for long believed that I could only breathe, exist through and with a relationship.) I thought I knew it all. Fact is I don't know anything. I only dream of things, since a child I mainly lived in my fantasies. too much a coward to really go for it in real life. Ok, that was due to my isolation as a child, today I also admit that I have felt lonely many times. and when I wasn't I tried to manipulate people to keep them close to me. As an adult I did this mainly in my relationships. It has become a habit to choose partners that have been unavailable emotionally.for here I had the challenge to get them near. I used to be so strong.. either that or, when time passed, got so weak in the shadow of my partner, that I accepted everything they said or did, due to my fear to be abandoned. So i was either the strong, hard girl with my stubborn convictions, or I was the girl that couldn't say No, that forgot herself completely in the midst of romance. I couldn't have workednever! No i can see it more clearly. Ok, not all my ideas have always been wrong. I am indeed also interested very much in closeness, intimacy, harmony. I want these things , I need these things. But to the outside I spoke many times a different language, in fear of appearing weak for wanting those things. and if I spoke up, men run very fast ..
I came to realize that I have mainly been, in the past 15 years, the girl who somehow 'made the guys ready' for their 'real commitment'. For I have also been the girl that has been left for, or been followed by, the girl to spend the life with. Most of the significant men in my life have committed to my follower, when they couldn't commit with me. They got married, they started a family. mostly they did what made them run from my own hopes and expectations of life. The reasons for this is still unclear to me. if someone can relate i would be happy and grateful to hear their ESH of that.
I want to change things with me, but I don't know really where to start.
I want to show my real face, without being used and abused. I guess for that the procedure will be, WORKING ON BOUNDARIES.
I want to be seeing and stop being a simple pit stop. I want to become the person of calm and safe, that I thought I was, but obviously am not to others. For that I think I need to work more on HONESTY AND SELF WORTH. loving myself for everything seems a bit challenge. FORGIVING MYSELF will be a big theme too.
yes, the GRATITUDE LIST. puuuh , right now it seems a difficult one.
getting rid of SELF-PITY.difficult one.
NOT blaming others for their own character flaws and unfair treatment.difficult one. working on RESENTMENT.
I don't know where to start. It feels overwhelming, but it has to be done. It just feels right now this will last forever. And I'm scared to let people go, to move forward, to look forward to the future. Right now I don't know where I'm going. I just know i cannot continue like this, I cannot add many more mistakes. I don't want to go wrong, I don't want to be so horribly manipulative emotionally. And I don't want to be used as a doormat anymore. I don't want to be another's therapist, i don't want to smother anyoneyes, i even wish I was less sensitive. Where does this all come from? My exABF blamed me many times, that he wished I was less clever. I thought he was rude at the time, but I realized that I must have come across many times as over smart, even without wanting it. Today I feel guilty for that behavior. I don't know how to get rid of that maybe I used it as a sort of self-protection.
ok, so there is lots of work to doand I feel very humbled. I am 36 years old, but lately I feel I am 3 again. The things I thought i knew and understood, are not valid that much. The things i believed in and thrive for are not that realisticor my behavior is not matching.
Today there is no man in my life, and that is most of the time the only moment where I feel lonely but real. But i hope for together and real. Are there people who are not made for relationships?? Is there a special talent needed?? I like my life, the adventures that i allow myself to live (travels and different work experiences I mean with that.I am not the adventurer with men, where I am normally very loyal) And that is freedom. The problem is I tend to loose myself with others, let others define me, i start believing what they believe about me, for they cannot identify with who I am. How come I trust more in others than in myself?? How can i solidify my own sense of being, so I don't let myself be broken down by others. I question myself, I doubt myself, and I become defensive and manipulative and righteous to allow myself to be who I wanna be. And I think that this is not necessary. There must be another, more peaceful serene respectful way. I am also tired to take life as a constant fight.. an to lick my wounds.
I could of written that too about myself, and so this is the way I am trying to deal with it ? I am a very committed person and have hung on to things way past the point any healthy person would of seen clearly it was time to let go and move on, I have had to look very deeply and inside of myself and ask why do I do that? why do I not care enough about myself to let go of people places and things that hurt me? I do believe habits become a way of life good habits bad habits, but for me there comes a time when I have to recognise habits can be broken and for me that has come about when my whole being is being controlled by outside influences that I am allowing to control me! and I feel sick and tired, I am all the things you have written about too but mostly I have practiced those things on others and so I have decided to turn that all on myself, I haven't ever really got to know who I am deep down, I have been too busy getting to know everyone else, so now I am thinking if I want a great love how will I ever know how to give it if I don't have it for myself, all my life I have been a people pleaser a door mat, the odd time I have had the courage to say no, the sky did not fall on my head, the false sense of who I am because of my fear of saying no is not real, and it is not working for me any longer, I think now heck why has it taken me so long to realise this? I have removed myself from alot of people that purpetuate these feelings of my self worth, I think about my default which was YES, no thought just YES, now I try to THINK, THINK, THINK, how would that suit me?
Someone said here, when you are ready it will happen, perhaps it's your time now!
Tortuga, you said so much that I can relate to. I have felt the same way and I also loose myself in relationships. For me, I think its down to the fear of abandonment thing. I was brought up with only my Mother and having no Father has affected me throughout my life, I always felt vulnerable and worried that something would happen to my Mum, I think I learned my manipulation skills very young in an attempt to alleviate those fears that I couldn't cope with.
My relationships have always been based on feeling needed because if people need me then they wont leave or abandon me. Self assured people who have no neediness have intimidated me in the past, Ive never felt good enough to be with them, worried that they would see through me and see my fears and then they would know how weak I was. It seems to be a theme that I am only just breaking free from. I no longer feel that way.
However, I do worry that these habits and defects that have been with me for so long could surface at any minute and this keeps me single for the time being. I dont trust myself enough to embark on a relationship that wont feed my insecurities and take away my progress. I spent 20 years in a relationship with an alcoholic and I lived in denial most of the time, I accept that fact but I need more work on myself and more love of myself so that I can trust myself because I want to be healthy and being open to experiences is being healthy.
Working the steps is my only suggestion because they help you deal with each defect one by one and face them and in time get rid of them. I do know they can come back so I think that's why this is a lifelong program. Thanks for sharing.x
Tortuga - I don't think there are people "not made for relationships." I in my experience, I just had to do work on myself to have better relationships and I needed to move on from the unhealthy ones to do that work. You are doing those things now. When single and out of the toxic relationships, I got socked in the face with my codependency and loneliness. It hurt so bad, but I made progress. It seems this might be where you are at.
Your caring and your desire for closeness is not a defect. Just more work on yourself will allow those assets to not be overshadowed by the defects you discover. Sounds like some very deep, painful, but good work you are doing. Be gentle with yourself and keep moving forward!!!
I contintinue to struggle with character defects also...even having worked the steps...we are all works in progress. For example...I'm really sensitive and that aids me in work and relationships but it also turns to oversensitivity quickly and I act in ways that are not level headed at those times. Old me would have seen the defect and used it for reasons to beat myself up. Current me goes "Dang it...more work to do on self regarding how to keep the assets while minimizing the defects. Change I must." My HP will help me and so will you guys, my sponsor etc... That's how this works and hopefully is working for you.
Thank you - very good post that brings so many nuances to light. I can relate and you're not alone. I have some very similar fears; I am working on my self confidence, learning to trust myself, treating myself with respect and dignity.
I am not one to skim over what happened after a relationship ends, but over analyzing isn't optimal either.
We can't know what is in someone else's head and if they have a hidden agenda. Time tells us what we need to know. Acknowledging patterns and seeking self reflection sounds like a positive direction to start... see.. you've already started.
Looking back, I re think about events and as myself if I could have handled it differently for better outcomes. I have not dated enough men to have a pattern yet, but none of the post- divorce relationships have sprung into lifetime partnerships. I am coming to think that the more honest and true to ourselves that we can be, the greater the chances of meeting and sustaining relationships with others that share similar grounded values. I like to think that with each man I date, I come closer to the kind of person that I want as a partner.
Maybe a good question to ask yourself is if there are any things in common with the relationships that you've had; How did you handle disagreements?; did the man share your same life values- or didn't it get this far... etc.
Start with what is directly in front of you and do the next right thing. Dive in. Start working a step with a sponsor or another Alanoner. Things will and do come up and it may not all seem flattering at first, but each day there is at least one opportunity- even if it's small- to do something positive. See where your path leads.
Great Post Tortuga and great responses very enlightening. My experiences are wide also and come from the fellowships I hold seats in and with my sponsors and all of the meetings I sat in and listened with an open mind...listening to the similarities of the shares with my own. Your post reminds me of our slogan...It's not about perfection and about progress. My sponsor's lesson on the handmade fine accuract German clock which keeps perfect time and yet the pendelum moves such a short distance on either side of center...tick...tock...tick...tock. I pictured that and my wide personality swings trying to be at anyone time what I thought (only) others wanted me to be. I revisit the lessons of the difference between "need" and "love" and the story I heard of a wife listening to her detached husband trying to get back into the house...She told him "I love you; I like having your here ...and I don't NEED you". That one helped me to understand that people in my life were there by choice and the ones that weren't were also. I remember the conversation with my Higher Power asking me "Who are you"? I had created a dual personality in my attempt to get by in my life and didn't know which one I was...one I almost completely forgot and the other I was always trying to explain...It was sad. My Higher Power supported the choice of being the original and I was elated...very happy for a few minutes and then broke down in tears because I had spent so much time trying to be who I wasn't that I didn't know who I was. Fortunately this is a program of unconditional love and I learned that also. "Love is the complete and total acceptanceof every one for exactly who they are. They didn't have to be special and I could be myself ...both of us enough. Learning that I wasn't just flaws and that I had good and great assets was huge for my self acceptance and confidence. I didn't have to defend what I wasn't or fight for who I was and I learned how to be me and smile at the same time...I lost the feeling of fear. I had flaws and wasn't overwhelmed by them or felt I had to justify that they were there. I knew I was willing and able to change the ones I could and replace the ones that were more habitual with their opposites. The opposite of fear is love and the opposite of frustration patience. I started using acceptance in place of anger. My sponsor worked with me about the "opposites" after he told me "If you don't like the feelings of what you are getting from what you are doing...do the opposite. That works when I work it. Today I can say what I mean and mean what I say without having to use anger and defensiveness and self righteous. We all are doing the best we can with what we have and when we learn better we do better.
I thank God for the fellowship and the fellowship for my relationship with God...((((hugs))))
I can relate to a lot of your share and appreciate your vulnerability, I am unsure why, but I wonder if you have read the book or watched the movie "Eat, Pray, Love". The movie moved me in an amazing way about my codependency and life to this point and I could so relate to Julia Roberts journey at different points, not all of the movie, but big points resonated and helped me to see myself more clearly. My sponsor says the book is better, but honestly I have not read it. I have work to do before I can be in a healthy relationship and am doing the best I can one day at a time to get to a serene place alone and comfortable in my skin. I have come a long way on my al-anon journey and so have you. Keep your chin up and keep on keeping on. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you all for sharing your own journey and having so much trust and strength.
Breakingfree, it is so funny that you mention that movie, for many close friends refer to it when they see my life. to the point where I even live in Asia currently .
and yes i can relate very much to Julia Roberts in every scene. especially when she runs away in the end when something good happens to her I am so much scared of this vulnerability when being really close to someone.and trust is a huge issue that needs more work.
It's funny how some lives come across with similar experiences. We are all unique but all the same: human.
