Today I got my production report from work.  I found out that my production for the past year is much higher than I thought it was.  All other aspects of my work performance have been strong.  That means I'm doing quite well, certainly better than I'd thought, and my upcoming review will go better than I'd feared.  It also means that I can go ahead and apply for a promotion with a lot more hope than I had before. I don't know how I managed to be productive in fact, with all the very distracting family problems (including my AH refusing to watch our baby when I'm working from home sometimes).

This has had an enormous empowering affect on me.  I feel that I'm responsible for me, and for my life.  I feel that I know what I'm doing.  I had forgotten-- but now I remember-- that I've always been a responsible worker or student.  This evening when AH got upset and was unfair to me, I was able to detach.  I didn't feel much bitterness or anger toward him.  I had a fleeting moment of, "I should be more indignant, or else he'll keep doing what he's doing with impunity." But then it dissipated into something more like, "I have other more productive things to worry about."  I built a life for myself before I met AH.  I still have that life.  I was telling myself that I didn't, because he and I have a baby together and I'm tied to his troubles, but I do still have my life.

I am the sole breadwinner for our family.  I keep asking AH to apply for work, but he doesn't.  I can carry us along, but we have money worries.  I can't separate from him even if I wanted to without moving out of our house and breaking a lease to find a cheaper place to afford daycare.  But my job is a great career path, and a good example for our son.  My husband sometimes sabotages my work; I'm pretty sure it's not blatantly on purpose.  But he does feel very negative about not having a job.  He does very little around the house and doesn't manage his life at all.  I was bitter about having to manage things for him, and I was assuming that all that extra work took a toll on my job.  But I've been doing fine.  It doesn't mean that I should keep carrying him along and managing his life, but it does mean that I-- me, I-- am just fine.  I have a great job that I worked hard for. AH sees it as some gift that was unfairly given to me, and he complains about it that way.  But it wasn't a gift.  I worked nonstop through college with 4 jobs and then academic scholarships, I applied myself in law school, I worked very hard for five years in my grueling first job as an attorney and did my best at everything, and that's why I have a good job now.  Not a gift. Me.  I forgot that.  Now I remember again. 

I'm also a good mother and a responsible person and I know it.  I am honored to care for my baby son, honored to maintain the friendships I have and to enjoy little bits of my day, even folding laundry at midnight while listening to the college radio station on my boom box when I have to be up early for work.  I know how to make little things fun even if my AH is cranky and miserable.  I know why I do the things I do. Sometimes I make mistakes, but that does not mean that my AH's troubles are my fault, or even entirely my troubles.  I love him, but.  I love him, AND.

I wanted to post in this moment of clarity.  I know it might be worse again soon and better again soon.