The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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level.
Went to couples counseling again yesterday. Always a good time. AW is now a dry drunk so she is way fun. Constant anger and attacks over how I made her get to this point and how she was helpless to stop me. No self reflection ZERO. The best is the therapist asks me to see it all from her point of view and I'm like well this is convenient I get to dig down and do the work and she gets to skate the surface and play the blame game. After therapy she spends an hour telling me how it's all my fault again. I just say then why are we talking call the lawyers in let them go to war over all of it. She laughs and says I will and you'll see I will win. I said to her yes cause that's what matters you winning. This is going to be a long day.
Keep on working on yourself, no matter what you and your daughter will be better for it even if AW never gets it. This too shall pass. You can only control yourself, your words and actions, maybe it would help to plan ahead for the next session that if she attacks you during the session to tell her you appreciate her going to therapy and would like some time to think through what was said, just politely excuse yourself from the bonus hour of anger for your own sake. Make it a good day, honestly why let the disease take your day away? In support.
I've been there, done that to some degree. Most therapists don't seem to understand the alcoholic mind (dry or not). They know the basics on addiction but the distorted thinking of the alcoholic probably would take a lifetime of training to know all the ins and outs. I remember telling a marriage counselor once that I always felt like I was playing a football game with my AH. I was on defense and he was on offense and that he was always trying to find the holes in my defensive positions. And, of course, he always had to win.
Now, I say: Let 'em win. I don't have to prove my truths anymore to anyone. Their reality is theirs to own and it doesn't have to match mine. Keep working your program, keep coming back, and stay strong. You can start a day over at any time and that is a wonderful thing!
TH: I'm confused. It's my understanding that both you and your wife have decided you're each done with the marriage. If so, I'd think that couples counseling is counterproductive? Is there a therapist with a specialty in family systems and alcohol/substance abuse available that you might be able to see as a support for you? Just an idea that pops in my head that I thought to share with you in support of you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 15th of January 2014 11:52:33 AM
I have been here....so my ESH is that when my husband & I were going to couples counseling, I was being tag teamed by the 2 of them, fortunately I had been in Al-Anon long enough that I was NOT about to be treated that way! I said I am DONE! NO is a complete sentence....if its NOT good for ME, I am no longer a willing participant! Keep Coming Back, you will gain some clarity on what you really want in your life....I support grateful2be's thoughts on this Trying, this is now about YOU...get the counseling you need/want to help you
Thank you for the replies but the title was "just venting". I thought this was a safe space to do that. And while I can appreciate that the progress of others is light years ahead of mine solidarity in the struggle is all I ask. I feel isolated if I can't vent here. Please don't lock me out.
I do a lot of venting myself on here. Great place to do it. But if I didn't get any replies no matter what they were, I would feel more hurt...like I wasn't important anymore. This place is safe and it's says in Al-anon.....
" Take what you like and leave the rest" That I learn early on.
Don't isolate and keep coming back because you are not alone.....we are ALL going through the same thing. " Alcoholism " and it sucks big time.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
First I see "let up on the pressure" now i see your reply "Thank you for the replies but the title was "just venting". I thought this was a safe space to do that. And while I can appreciate that the progress of others is light years ahead of mine solidarity in the struggle is all I ask. I feel isolated if I can't vent here. Please don't lock me out."
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I was going to reply, but I think I need to back off....don't want to "pressure" anyone and surely don't want them to feel isolated............peace and good luck on your journey
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I do a lot of venting myself on here. Great place to do it. But if I didn't get any replies no matter what they were, I would feel more hurt...like I wasn't important anymore. This place is safe and it's says in Al-anon.....
LOL., Cathy, this is why I don't post here, I answer but hardly initiate....Sometimes with the exception of a few of you, I feel sooo out of place here...So i am here only part time........I have felt "invisible" many times , I guess I can understand as my posts aren't really alanon, but more acoa, so that is why I am next door more.......but you are so right in my opinion.......It hurts to be invisible....instead of fighting it, I just pick up my toys and go elsewhere.......hope things are OK with you
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Good to see you getting that frustration off your chest - so much better than bottling things up.
I'm interested by what your counsellor said to you - I've had the same experience and our counsellor told me that I was abusive to my AH. Well I thought about that one for a couple of months, I really took it seriously for a while. In fact I felt really bad about it for a while. Then I asked the counsellor to give me some examples of my 'abusive' behaviour. The counsellor said that all she could think of was the fact that I decamped into the spare room from time to time, that I sometimes reacted with a sense of humour and sometimes I blew my fuse, that I was variable in my reactions.
I told her that I thought that both of these things were fairly normal under the circumstances and I recommended that she read 'Getting Them Sober' before we did any more sessions I really do think that it is difficult for a relationship counsellor to understand the weird dynamics that we have been operating under unless they are specially trained in alcohol awareness.
Hi tryinghard, this is a safe place to vent, and the good part is the honest, caring, wise feedback that helps challenge our thinking. 'When we live with alcoholism our thinking becomes distorted' so this may be the safest place to vent because you dont get all the stuff that keeps you on that same painful road here, like pity and enabling. People here are sharing with love, kindness and giving you their time, all that is asked of you is that you keep an open mind.
I really do think that it is difficult for a relationship counsellor to understand the weird dynamics that we have been operating under unless they are specially trained in alcohol awareness.