Trying to put my life in order and save our marriage. - Al-Anon Family Group

skahtul · Member

Trying to put my life in order and save our marriage.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Congratulations to your wife for getting into recovery. It is amazing how many people are having the problem with painkiller addiction.

My AW is recently recovering, and she is pretty needy too, especially due to not having a driver's license for a year. And there are certain things she isn't ready to talk about. And I certainly want to vent at her for some of the stupid things she did while she was actively addicted.

So I have needed a like-minded body of people who can listen to me and understand and give experience, strength and hope. That is why I am in AlAnon.

I think you are already understanding that you have to be taken care of. The next part is understanding that you are the only person who can take care of you, your wife is busy with her own recovery, which is a full time job, at least for awhile. So please try to take care of yourself now. If she is able to help out now, maybe you have time to go to a F2F Al Anon or Narc Anon meeting and be part of a family group.

Peace
Kenny

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome skahtul

What you are experiencing is very understandable and predictable. In fact the founder of AA Bill W, was sober when his wife,Lois became soo angry that she knew she needed a program of her own and started alanon.

Alanon is the fellowship of family members who have lived with or are sill living with the disease of alcoholism Nar-anon was established as an off shoot for members whose family members are addicted to drugs Either program would work for you.

It is here at face to face meetings that I learned how to Break the isolation caused by this disease. I learned how to let myself become vulnerable enough to admit my pain, sadness, resentments and anger It is a safe place to do so. It is here we are offered understanding and new tools to live by We learn to rediscover ourselves, rebuild our self esteem and how to live by acting and not reacting to others.

Keep coming back here and search out face to face meeting sin your community Look in the white pages.

There is help and hope

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP

Congratulations to your wife and congratulations to you for sticking with her. Now that she is getting better I think your not. You my friend needs recovery too. She has her AA meetings, sponsor and programs....you need Al-anon, a sponsor and a good program. We find we are so co-dependent we can/are just as sick as the A.

Find yourself a meeting, sit down and listen. Best thing you will ever do for yourself.

You are not alone so keep coming back (((( hugs ))))

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Skahtul...welcome to the board from the Pacific...you're in the right place and have already received great feedback. We are family and help each other stand and get well using the Experiences Strengths and Hope from our own recoveries. My first wife was and addict and my second relationship an alcoholic and my second marriage and alcoholic/addict...I never got it right and learned at my first Al-Anon meeting what alcoholism was and that my wife was sick in this disease. "Alcoholism touches everything it comes into contact with" (from the definition) which is true...Alcohol and drug affected people are mind and mood altered and therefore we live in an altered reality while expecting a normalcy from a different experience. You've been affect and you know that now...she's been affected and you both know that now and what you already know and are about to find out more on is that she needs her program to deal with the compulsion and addiction to drugs while at the same time you need a program to deal with your reaction to it all. This isn't a quick fix...you both didn't get to this place overnight. From my experience being in your shoes? drop all expectations you have on who she's suppose to be and what she's supposed to do or what the outcome is suppose to look like. You don't know. Drop those expectations of yourself also. The disease of addiction tears us up and like yourself I acted and reacted to it in ways I never understood until I came to the rooms of Al-Anon and learned and MIP to keep learning. This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions... for her and... for you. I had to learn to stay out of my wife's recovery and when I didn't she went back out on another 5 year run and everything we had left went with the disease...It still makes me sick to see how the disease of addictions to chemicals can level the landscape.

There is hope for you if you are willing to be supportive for her without trying to fix or coach or demand of her...If you are not already attending face to face Al-Anon or Naranon groups look in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline numbers and call right away and find out where and when we get together in your town and then go as soon as you can.

There is no quick solution...the disease of alcoholism predates the life of the Christ by thousands of years and it is cunning, powerful and baffling.

Keep coming back (((hugs))) smile

skahtul · Member

Thanks for all of those replies (I have read them 10 times), it really helps. I guess that is the hardest part, accepting that I really am suffering and not getting better myself. It is hard to accept that I'm basically just as sick as she is (in a different way) and it's hard to look to others for support when all I really want right now is to talk with her about it. I will need to figure out a way to accept that.

I will be looking for some AlAnon meetings soon but it's hard right now because I work full time (as does she) and she meets right after work until 9PM during the week and has AA meetings twice on the weekend. I am talking with one of the councilors at her recovery facility this Wednesday so hopefully that will help and he can help me find an AlAnon meeting that will work.

skahtul · Member

Thanks Jerry for your reply. Yes, that is my biggest problem, dropping all expectations of her and myself and allowing the proper time for everything to get sorted out.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad to hear your wife found recovery! Now it is time to take care of you and al-anon taught me all I ever needed to know, so I am glad you found us here at MIP where there are online meetings, but also in the face to face you can find a sponsor in time and work the steps, but do not rush. This process takes time and we have to learn to enjoy the journey when we realize we were merely surviving. There are 3 daily readers Courage to Change, Hope for Today and One Day at a Time that are helpful to start your day with. There is a phone number under my sign in that can help you find local al-anon meetings, in those meetings I found beautiful people who taught me how to accept life as it comes, I found my balance with their support and life is not easier, but so much more manageable. Read all you can al-anon and scroll through all the pages here and click on the tabs and links that intrigue you and you will find your story in all of ours. I am sending you much love and support on your new recovery journey!

oldergal · Senior Member

SK, have NO expectations, work your program faithfully for yourself, you will change slowly but surely it won't be overnight and she will notice the changes and have to act different because of your changes. Hang in there, relax give it some time, give yourself room. "It Works If You Work It".....og

skahtul · Member

I can see the message here from everyone no expectations, give it time, and help myself. Those are easier said then done :)

We are taught to have expectations in life and to work on things together (in marriage) toward a common goal. I guess that's the hardest part, to let go, even a little to someone I have known for 17 years, since I was 16. Someone who I grew up with and have done everything under the sun with, good and bad for so long. I'm just not very good at letting go but I am trying. It just feels selfish and I feel rejected by her but those are things I have to reconcile since I know it's only hurting us and not helping.

skahtul · Member

That is the other hard part, worrying about and helping myself. I have spent so many years worrying about her, kids, house, life that I have forgotten what I should even be doing on a daily basis.

Beatrice · Senior Member

Isn't it amazing how much time the alcoholic takes from our life and we don't even realize it while they are busy drinking and creating the drama in our lives. Then they get sober and you are left with your anger and resentments and the collateral damage.

Now you see what it did to you. I would say your wife is along the path of recovery, so now its time to start yours. Yes its good to have a united front and work on marriage issues, but this is one thing your wife has to do for herself and you cannot help her with it. You are not responsible for her drinking or her recovery.

Its time to build a new stronger, independent you, Alanon, will help you with that, like a ship to cross the sea of suffering. Like everyone else has suggested, please do it for yourself, I encourage you to attend a face to face Alanon meeting in your area. We have all been down the same path and Alanon was there to be our life saver and to give us the tools to begin again and in a better way.

Best to you
Bettina

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

that doesn't seem strange to me at all (she's happier your not ) your not alone in thinking that if sober life will be great ,this disease has effected your life and you too need to recover , please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself you need support from people who understand exactly how you feel , funny how we are angry when we are doing all the work but when they want to help we are confused and feel neglected , trust is a biggie for most of us . The best way for me to support my husb sobriety is to have my own program and stay out of his stuff . I needed a place to share my fears and anger with out hurting my husband sponsorship and weekly meetings did that for me , I learned my husb was full of self loathing and guilt for his past behavior and he didn't need me re hashing things from our past . Take care of you , your marriage is worth the cost of a sitter so that you can both recover . Lower your expectations find your own program , as she attends AA for herself , the marriage will take care of it'self .Two happy people have a chance . Louise

skahtul · Member

Thanks Louise, that is sage advice. I do have a habit of re hashing the past instead of letting go and looking forward. And it's so hard not to help directly.

And thanks Bettina for your words also. It has been very difficult to realize all that has happened over the years. In a lot of ways her active addiction was actually easier to handle, I knew what to do.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

One more thing to remember. Her recovery is the one and only thing she really needs to work on right now. She can't afford the time to make some else happy. She is in recovery for her life....

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

skahtul:

We invest so much of ourselves in the sickness of our As, until we are immersed in our own sickness--sometimes that becomes clear when our As begin a recovery program, or we start a program of our own. Now you get to take care of yourself, do some hard self-work and some wonderful self-care. I was reminded at a meeting recently that not every one is recovering or getting healthy at the same pace. That was a great thing for me to keep in mind, and maybe helpful for you too.

You are not alone.

YF

skahtul · Member

Thank you all for your kind and very helpful words. I have picked up two books, Codependent No More and book about the reovery process (I can't remember the title but it was written by a local author who has visited my wifes recovery facility). When I was on my way home last night I picked up a single rose for her and told her that I am getting the help that I need and that I am finally realizing that I have my own problems and that I need to get them taken care of. However I did approache it gently and use words as to not put any more stress on her. I have my first individual session tomorrow and he is going to help me find a local AlAnon meeting here in Utah for this weekend. I already feel alot better from yesterday and my wife was already in a better place when she returned from her meeting last night. You can't imagine how much what was said above has helped. I sat in my server room here at work for more then half the day yeserday crying and reviewing everything that was posted. Didn't get a lot of work done but hey, I'm the boss :) Thanks

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

On day at a time my friend.......

Keep coming back because you are not alone anymore.....

(((( hugs ))))

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good work

The journey of 1000 miles starts with the first step. You are on your way and I am happy for you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear one, each day is a gift. If we honestly look at only one day, do our best, work our program, we can stop the anger, the waiting for things that may never come.

Their disease is none of our business. This is very simplistic, my son deals with grief depression as I do. I don't have to know his thoughts or what he does to recover to support him.

What I do and did was change me. I realized nothing he does is becuz of me. If he loses his temper or whatever, I have learned to stay mellow and just keep going.,I don't ask how are you. sometimes he is quiet so I just am quiet too or I just comment on the scenery, keeping it light.

We are not meant to know about anyones recovery. It's personal. It is always better to love them just exactly how they are at that moment. People change even when they are not addicts. That is the work of marriages and relationships. She is not the person she used to be yesterday, we all are growing and changing. And sadly sometimes people don't hang in and do the work.

We need to find our passion. My sons is fishing, mine is animals and plants, living things, cooking, eating reading, working hard, gathering eggs....well I found I have LOTS of them! lol

It started slowly. Men tend to have work and that is it. So what is your passion? Do you like making new programs? Outdoorsman at all? swimming, working with wood, taking your kids on day adventures?

Even with work and meetings, part of your recovery could be wednesday the kiddos go to moms or a good friends for 2 hours and your guys go to a movie. go for a hike, or walk. Or just be home sitting on the couch not doing anything but playing a board game.

We can make a plan for our lives so it doesn't get away from us. Each day is precious.

Your wife is very, very sick. She sounds like she is really giving it her all to get well. I am telling you their sobriety/program has to be number one. It honestly does., So we have to learn to believe they love us, want us, and when they can they will show us. But we have to be responsible for filling our own lives! being married to an A is not easy, but with love and skills it can be done And we can find happiness.

I just reread, 30 days is wonderful, each day has to be wonderful. meaning accept it all as is. A year to be in sobriety/on program is still young in recovery. If she had a broken leg it would not be healed yet! It will take the time it does, and over many days it will be better and sometimes hard. that is life. Part of it all is acceptance as to what is. Humbling ourselves to take things as they come and be thankful for every moment.

I have zero expectations of anyone or anything. Nothing is constant. Not even computers. Yes everything is fast these days, thats why everything falls apart and does not last...

I was so in love with my ex AH, he me too. I gleaned those last few times to be with him. Now his mind is gone. I loved him since i was 17. I am 61now and had to face the man I was in love with died.

So every day is precious. For me it is the only way to go! great honest share! debilyn

skahtul · Member

Debilyn, thanks so much for sharing, that is a powerful story.

Yes, it's been very hard to realize that I pretty much just have to let her do what she needs every day and realize that I can't be involved with her recovery in the ways I thought I needed to. In just these three days that I have not mentioned it at all she has actually shared more with me in the last two days then the previous month so I am learning to just let go and allow her time to recover and realize that when/if she is ready, she will share what she needs to. And if she never does then I have to accept that and move on with our lives.

I do a lot of hiking in slot canyons in Southern Utah and I have always wanted to go rock climbing so that is my new goal. I have re started an intense workout program to get in shape for the summer. I spent all of my high school and college years lifting weights so I am getting back into that. It has always helped me in the past. I also have always wanted to join an mixed martial arts gym so I am going to check out a few of those in my area next week. We also do a lot of four wheeling in my modified Tahoe so I'm going to also concentrate on putting more time into that. And I do a lot of stargazing, and I read 4-7 novels at a time... I have a lot of hobbies... but I am just now starting to realize that I have put so much on the back burner because of what I we are going through. I am not where I thought I would be at this time in life or enjoying everything mentioned above, but I feel that now I am gaining the tools to fix that.

I used to not work out or even leave the house because I just wanted to be around her and it wasn't healthy. She would be so absent most of the time just laying in bed that when she finally came down I just couldn't bring myself to leave.

That is now changing and it has already helped a lot. I am allowing her to heal and help herself in the way she needs to and I am putting a lot of effort into helping myself.

skahtul · Member

Cathyinaz wrote:
One more thing to remember. Her recovery is the one and only thing she really needs to work on right now. She can't afford the time to make some else happy. She is in recovery for her life....

That was also a powerful message and something I am working hard on. She actually mentioned tonight that it was difficult for her to here today at her meeting that even the kids can no longer be number one in her life. So we are both learning that her recovery is number one and that we just need to take each day for what it is and expect nothing.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.