The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a bad couple of days followed by a great day and a great morning. I had not been in the zone of the program, then got back in and felt very resilient..up to about right now. Maybe this isn't so much as not being in the zone as just being sad and or scared for my AH.
He was all liquored up yesterday and in...well, basically ...in the getto hanging out with "old friends" if you catch my drift. I went to my Coda meeting, and then to the mall, had a great day. Got home and actually (as of this afternoon) successfully installed my new dishwasher and even cleaned the house a bit. I was delightfully occupied and grateful that he wasn't home.
I went (a few days ago) from trying to get him to quit by "threatening" to leave. To (this morning) gently explaining to him that I deserve better and that I don't won't to live like this. He got home at 5am and brought one of the thugs with him ...possibly cause he didn't want to drive himself. He was not home very long before he sadly said that he has no more excuses and than he thinks I may have to leave him. He sounded sad and defeated. Not defeated enough apparently, cause he left again and took money from the ATM...which likely means drugs. Which usually means that he ends up in the ER. Hopefully not dead. He looks to me for comfort. He likes to be gone, then come home...apologize (which he couldn't really do today)..and then need me to be sweet. Today I just didn't really engage in conversation.
I had thought about detaching while I was at church today. I considered my behavior when I try to micromanage him. I considered what kind of message I was sending him. I was thinking that perhaps by micromanaging him I was giving him the impression that I am ,for lack of a better term, CO-responsible for him. That he cannot (allow himself) to take FULL and complete responsibility for himself, when I keep showing him that I want to be CO-responsible. By detaching like I have these last few days I am (trying) to hand.. FULLY hand him back HIS own PERSONAL responsibility. The ball is in his court, now. Honestly I am feeling a tiny bit um not so much guilty but worried that if something were to happen to him today that I dumped this on him. I mean i KNOW it is not mine (the responsibility) but I am sure I surprised him by cutting him off (by not really engaging)so to speak, and I know the three C's I didn't cause this I Can't cure it and I can't Control it. But its hard to think that he was emotionally reaching out for me but I turn myself OFF. Frankly I am tired of talking to him when he is drunk. Perhaps I should remind myself that there are other things floating in his head BESIDES my neglect that have an affect on his state of mind, and are the biggest contributing factors in whatever happens tonight. My only worry is that he dies. Barring death...I am waiting for him to reach his other bottom. In the mean time I will try to live in the present and not CREATE negative scenarios.
I note you are tired of talking to him when he is drunk. I got to the point where I got tired of even thinking about my As. I also notice your interest in detaching. So, I'll share my experience with you to take what you like and leave the rest.
When I consider my healthy relationships with people who are not As, I note I am present to them when we're together. We enjoy each other's company and we enjoy ourselves. I don't think much about them before we get together. I don't think much about them after we meet. I just live my life while they are living theirs. Granted, we aren't living together and we aren't married, but I still think that even if we were in those kinds of relationships, we'd still live our own lives when apart and enjoy ourselves and each other when we're together.
I learned to stop thinking so much about my As and more about myself and what seemed right or appropriate to me to do or to be. I stopped carrying my As mentally into work, church, movies, shopping or much at all during my day and I noticed I felt lighter, happier and freer. When I became aware of that reality, I accepted that I could choose where I chose to put my mental energies. I chose to put them into my day and where I was. When I caught myself thinking about the A again, I knew I just had to return to what was going on at the time and the people present to me then.
When I become present to myself in my day, I am able to drop thoughts about my As who aren't going to stop what they're doing until they do anyway. In this way, I am able to detach from living in the past or the future. By detaching from being caught up in past or future thoughts, I feel grounded in reality, safe and at peace.
He stays out all the time, brings thugs and criminals and druggies around, lies and YOU feel that YOU neglected him? Umm. All the "emotional reaching out" that addict/alcoholics do is generally manipulation. They are emotionally retarded. No need to respond as if it were a sane person asking for your emotional support.
Grateful to be - that is a WONDERFUL way of looking at things! thank you. That is so very true. This should be the definition of detachment!
Pinkchip. yea, isn't that ridiculous that I feel bad. I think it is a habit that has been built up over the years, that I am certainly trying to break. I did recognize the irony at the time. I appreciate your clarifying that it was manipulation and lack of emotional skills. I "felt" that too, but I thank you for putting it into words, so that I can remind myself in the future.
When my son asked for the emotional support he so needed.....I would give it every time and then it was off to the races again. He wanted the OK she is cool and will take care of me when I'm down. I finally realized he really didn't give a damn about what my feelings were....it was all about him and how long can he keep his drinking up without mom giving up. 5 long years.....that's how long.
He is going to drink or he's not.....what am I going to do?....PLENTY
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Hugs, dealing with court something my kids therapist has said to them is stick to the facts and truth .. the consequences your dad deals with are just that .. his consequences, his choices. Hugs ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It's good to see you facing the facts and the truth. It's not easy and it's tempting to stay in fantasy land where. All we need is love and our A's are wee babies that need us but it is pretend.x
