The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here I am again, still home. I saidf my AH used/drank one more time I was taking the kids and leaving. Sure enough he came home in the middle of the night and thats exactly what he was doing. He gave me his usual speech I've been hearing over the past month and a half since he relapsed about how he is done and doesn't want to loose us (blablabla). I feel stupid and weak that I haven't left. I guess I'm trying so desperately to hang on to the idea of having my family together,since I grew up without my father around due to this disease, I want so much for my children to have both of us there for them. I am also scared financially because I am a stay at home mom with no source of income other than him.
I want to be hopeful that he really is done. Im so scared he will die. My children are 2 years old and 6 months old. Hes not home while he uses or drinks,he always leaves and comes back when they are sleeping, but it breaks my heart so much to hear my son asking all day where daddy is. I try to be as strong as I can for them but its not easy to hold it all together and not cry in front of them.
Thanks for letting me get my thoughts and feelings out.
Are you attending meetings here or face to face? Alanon suggests not to make any major decisions for 6 months. I add unless there is violence in the home. It will help you clear out the fog of decisions you need or want to make. The first 6 months things do change maybe he will get sober maybe he won't one thing is the changes that will happen will be in you. Keep coming back .. YANA :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I filed for a separation from my x at first. I was making very little money then. The courts required him to pay our living expenses, etc. I moved him out of the house that we both owned by changing the locks on the door when he went to party (with my shrewd blessing) with his friends for a weekend. He didn't fight it because he wanted to party without our "interference." Perhaps you could check into a legal separation with legal aid?
I would love to give you some grand words of wisdom as I have been and still are in your shoes. after 8 years of relapse after relapse I finally told my AH I want out ever since I been praying for the strength to stick to it when he comes home from his latest relapse with all his sorrys and promises. Best thing I can say is keep working the program it works if you work it. Al anon has really been my life line during this time give it a chance it can change how you deal, how you feel, how you think. I've been in that dark place your in let the light of al anon shine on you. keep coming back
(((Hugs))) Amyk. It is a hard place to be in. Be gentle with yourself and don't worry about being weak. When the time is right, it will happen as you need it to. Keep coming back and go to as many meetings as you can. THis program will support you and help you in so many ways. Take care of you and your beautiful children.
My example may not be exactly the same, but when I moved out from my alcoholic father's house, I was afraid. Could I survive on my own? What if I lost my job? What if I had to go crawling back to my dad's? Would he let me back in? I was working a dead-end job and not making a lot of money.
It finally got to a point where one day he came home absolutely hammered, ran upstairs and locked his bedroom door. I got that tight feeling in my stomach as though someone had punched me. That black cloud of anger and depression that he brought with him everywhere had returned. Literally, at that moment, I opened my computer and began looking for apartments.....I knew that whatever the alternative was, it was better than living like that.
I signed a lease and happened to get a job posting from a former teacher about a job in my field. I applied but thought nothing of it as I had much more on my mind. Low and behold, 2 weeks before I was to move out I got that job, that paid much more.......This was truly my higher power at work.
Now, it's different in that it's your husband and not your dad. I was only me, whereas you would need to support 3 people including 2 young kids. I had an income, you have none....but the point of my story is that despite all my fears and worries, it worked out.
There is help out there in some form. Al-Anon is a great first step.
Aloha Amyk and welcome to the board...let us hear how your first face to face went. Just one thought on the subject of taking care of yourself...If one of your fears is that he will kill himself as a result of this disease...check to make sure that he has adquate life insurance. If you feel like you're being let down now...him dying would be devastation. I've seem more than a few alcoholic/substance deaths. Where the death was expected the devastation wasn't. Take care of yourself...changing is hard and scarey...you're doing okay by being here and you will do better with the program. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I understand exactly how you feel been there way too many times . If I had not started to attend Al-Anon f2f and listened to what people were saying I would have been lonely and angry for the past 27 yrs . I was not ready to leave my marriage when I arrived here and by working this program I was able to stay and get my life back on track , I was reminded that my kids deserved one sane parent and a practicing alcoholic isn't it , and alas neither was I . The non advice and the support of the men and woman in those meetings I learned how to be a better mother here , and eventually a wife with no expectations of what he was going to do . working this prog and support of other members there will come a day when you know it's okay to go , or it's okay to stay . You are not weak , you are strong enough to live with active alcoholism that to me is not weak .. If your not already please find f2f meetings for yourself and your kids you have a right to be happy regardless of what he is doing . This is a simple program but NEVER confuse it with easy . Louise
I will second or third the encouragement to attend face to face meetings. There is something unique about face to face meetings, and they make a difference. Be gentle with yourself. When you are ready to leave, then it will happen. I have learned that it is really important to trust my gut, find my truth. You are not weak, you are human.
My AH is back to drinking again and I found myself "threatening" him that I would leave if he didn't. But I didn't really mean it. I was only threatening him because I was so desperate to get him to stop. I have been reminded that only HE can make that decision, it is really none of my business. As hard as this is to hear, your happiness is none of his business. I was letting his sobriety sneak back into being the kingpin in my ability to be happy. Through the program, through my meditations, prayer, and church I have found a way to be independent of him and his drinking. That is not to say it does not affect me when he is home, but I can chose how to respond to situations when he is home. Alanon has taught me ways to think more clearly about my interactions with him which help me maintain my peace.
Now, everything I have said above does not mean that I don't get SAD. Sadness is a reality. But I have found that I can be sad...then I ACCEPT what the situation is....then I grieve whatever it is I feel like I have lost at that moment....then I heal....then I am happy again. Alanon has given me the tools to focus on MY needs, and to think clearly.
I am now at a point where I can have an honest look at myself...I don't want to leave just because he is drinking etc....but I deserve better than him being out all night or not having the stability of ever knowing what day is the day he will die. ( he makes foolish decisions while he drinks). But I didn't do this to get him to stop, I believe that when the time is right and I get tired of this, I will change my life. Please note..that I, too, have not left. This is not being weak this is being true to myself.
-- Edited by sadsusie on Sunday 12th of January 2014 07:30:10 PM
I lived for almost20 yrs with 3 children and no program so the kids were affected by him and me. I lost my sanity trying to cope in this environment. I left and never got my sanity back until alanon. Get the help you need before making decisions and try not to confuse love with obsession.there is a much better life for you and your kids but you need alanon.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Monday 13th of January 2014 02:59:49 AM
Thank you everyone, I really appreciate you sharing your stories with me. I chickened out last night, I went to a f2f meeting but was 17 minuets late because my AH was driving me and was taking his time stopping for gas, coffee on the way and took forever to get out of the house. I could see everyone threw the window, there were a lot more people than I was expecting! I was too embarrassed to go in late so I left :(. This made my AH furious that he drove me and I didnt go in( meeting was only 8 mins away from our house). I do understand that that is frustrating, I was frustrated with myself also that I didnt just go in, but I didnt want to make a bad first impression (is that silly? haha) .
Anyways he has 2 day sober and is working with his sponsor again and going to meetings (for now at least). So when I didnt go in last night he started saying some horrible things like, "your the one who made me drink and use heroin again" "you are so crazy that you wont go in, how will I ever be able to stay sober with you being so dumb" "I cant even look at you, I hate you so much" etc... Im sure many of you have heard the same things, but it still hurts.
Then I start apologizing to him! not just for not going in (which I believe since he drove me, he deserved that apology), but for everything he was telling me I did wrong in our marriage and in his life! I couldn't believe myself, that I took responsibility for his using. I really need to go to a f2f, I need help for myself and my kids. After last night I realize that more than ever. perhaps, I will take a taxi next time!
Thanks again
No matter what he says..... You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You might have made many mistakes you need to apologize for....BUT ARE YOU DRINKING BECAUSE OF IT. NO
So that's what you say to him next time. NO complete sentence
Let Go Let God....
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
When I first came to al-anon I read two books that changed me. "Codependent No More" Melody Beattie and "Getting Them Sober" Toby Rice Drews, those are my two favorite book recommendations to help you gain some tools on how to deal with an alcoholic. I am glad you are here and keep coming back, because you are worth it! Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I got to the point where I noticed that, through all my AWs drinking, I never once pushed her elbow up, put drink to her lips, etc. SHE CHOSE to drink in response to whatever excuse she used to justify it. It was only later that I heard the slogan about how we don't cause it, can't control it, and won't cure it.
However, I was so sick myself that I actually bought her a bottle of wine a few months back, figuring "what the heck - I'm always looking at her cross-eyed when she buys wine, and she has only been drinking a little bit this time".
So there is sickness on both sides that we are now both recovering from. AA and Al Anon are helping with those recovery processes.
This is the disease at its best!! THIS HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS OR THINKS...I do know how bad it hurts, my husband was verbally abusive and a rage-a-holic as well as an alcoholic! BUT All of us here are going to love you through this! There is NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO OR SAY THAT IS GOING TO CAUSE YOUR husband to drink or drug, he CHOOSES TO DRINK & drug because he wants to stay drunk, more than he wants to stay sober...
We have a saying in Al-Anon that you are never late for a meeting unless we have already said the Lords Prayer which it normally the closing prayer:)
I do understand that fear though of being late and all eyes being on you, next meeting you can plan for the taxi to get you there 10 minutes early:) we are here and we care, you are NOT alone!!
It's a lot easier for him to blame you than to look at his choices and actions, you know that. You are doing about as well as you can be given the situation. Just keep coming back, somehow slowly it all starts making sense, and then one day you realize you are smiling, laughing, enjoying your kids even when they are doing their A behaviors in full force. You are doing the right thing by reaching out, people here will love and accept you on your worst day, hug you tight when no one else will, and somehow get you back on your feet through the grace of HP and doing it together what you thought was impossible becomes possible and so much more. Much love to you.
Amy they all have the same script. You are the only person that doesn't visit their lives so it must be your fault. Everything from the sun rising to it setting is your fault. Who else could they blame. And what makes it worse is that they know you will take the insults and even apologize to keep toddlers from a broken home. Amy at least for me I have accepted that my home is broken and holding the broken pieces is only hurting me and my kid. For me and only for me I am ready to stabilize my life and my kids life. But this feels like chewing glass it does. Hearing your kids ask for them is the worst so I say to my kid mommy is sick she can't come home until she is better it's never ever your fault don't wait for her I will always be here I love you you are perfect.
I chickened out last night, I went to a f2f meeting but was 17 minuets late..... I could see everyone threw the window, there were a lot more people than I was expecting! I was too embarrassed to go in late so I left :(.
Speaking as a group rep, I always leave the door unlocked so that people can come in. There are some meetings that will lock the door after the meeting starts. I don't like that. You will always be welcomed and noone, will criticise you for being late. The fact there were so many people there shows how many more people in ur area are affected by this!
It's not easy and most people wouldn't have the courage to show to begin with.
At my first meeting, as I walked in the door I thought I heard my son's Scoutmaster! I turned around and walked back to my car, collected my thoughts, then went back, realizing if he was there then we had something in common.
I have now been to that meeting a number of times and we would never turn someone away for being late, especially a newbie that needed support!
