The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night AW went out with her gf And stayed over there while stayed at a friends house with our daughter. I ate and slept well. I also decided that hearing my kid cry and tell me to tell Mami to come home was a poor result of allowing AW to talk with her before bed. So no more. If she goes out we are gone for the night and so is any communication with our kid. Ok what else I purchased codependent no more and am half way through reading about how the burning feeling in my chest when AW is awful and the relief when she is nice is not love it's codepence. Hmm ok also the rescue, persecute, victim triangle well that's familiar, way familiar. So how does one break the cycle like seriously how especially when the rescue of the innocent child leaves me feeling used and dumps me right into persecution of AW and victim to AW. Help with this would be good.
Also I attended an online meeting last night that helped. Today i will attend a f2f. Then a haircut. Yes that always makes me feel better.
So why am I posting because I can't stop calling AW a whore in my head everytime I see her. This morning she strolled into our kids capoeira class late and immediately starting taking photos and posting them on FB. And all I could think was whore. Now you are here she cried for
You last night but now you are mother of the year. This afternoon we have a play date at a cousins house with some other kids and I will be looking at her fake her way through the evening thinking whore. I know I know it's a focus on her not on me. I know I know this is not something I caused, can control, or cure. So if someone anyone can give me a word to replace "whore" everytime I look at her that would help. I hate this triangle.
I can understand why you are angry at your wife, your situation must be so confusing, I mean are you still in a relationship? or are you separated but sharing the house, is this permanent or temporary? No wonder your resentment is building up.
I have been part of the whole victim, perpetrator, rescue cycle too and its very hard to see your own part in it. For me when I was victim it was because I had no boundaries, people could do what they like to me around me, I had no self respect or self love, so I thought I deserved everything I got, when I was rescuer it was because I played the martyr, the one that would fix it all, I got some self esteem from this and then lastly I would play the role of perpetrator when I would cast up everything that was done to me in a passive aggressive way, I would get my own back in an underhand way.
It may just be me but your situation seems so unhealthy for everyone, especially you. I mean what are the benefits for you in all this? What are you getting out of this situation? It may be worth seriously looking at the impact this is having on you.
Another word people use for alcoholics is sick because they have a disease but we also become sick, we put up with unacceptable, abusive behaviour and justify it in various ways in order to avoid action. I did for years, I lived in denial, each new bad behavior, or intolerable behaviours were swept under the carpet and I found ways to live with things that shouldn't have been lived with and each time it took away a little piece of me, the anger, resentment and bitterness built up and it sounds like yours is too, seeing your wife and thinking 'whore' should be a warning sign to you that you are not okay with this, no matter how you try to justify or convince yourself this is for the best. The best for who? certainly not you. Take care.x
sir I just started reading a book called Real Love, its a topic I have been thinking about quite a bit lately. The author reframes this stuff into thinking of the person as drowning in their own problems. It's helping some. Maybe focusing less on the anger too when you want to call her a whore its because she is not behaving how you think she should and the name indicates it is making you angry. By saying that please do not think that I feel her actions are right, it'd just how you internalize it. Dissolving the anger and just accepting what is, that seems to take time and a lot of practice. Hugs, it sucks, keep looking within and turning it over.
Our couples therapist counsels us to avoid major changes in our daughters life right now. So the lease is up in August. And we will have to decide by April to renew or not. I am doing the work I see the flags and I remove myself I got to a meeting I see a therapist I post. This is me right now me angry me. AW was sober again this morning. My kid was thrilled to see her. So this is me trying not to drag my kid through a move from her home right now if I can breath.
I am not judging you here, I am honestly concerned fro you because I cant imagine how hard this situation must be. For me, its like someone hurting you and then constantly throwing salt into the wounds.
I lived with all the other alcoholic stuff for almost 20 years so I am familiar with the bad behaviour and how intolerable life can become, I also had three children in the mix. In a strange way I wanted him to meet someone else because that would have got him out of my life, I was miserable most of the time with him but I never had the courage or the know how to take action that was good for me and my children. Living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us and throw children in to the mix and its almost unbearable. I did it though until my children were older and their childhoods almost gone and they are affected, it is a family disease after all.
The major changes have already happened within your relationship. I am glad you have a plan B and you have ways of coping. Your anger is natural and understandable. I hope it passes.x
Keep working a recovery program, add to your program what might be missing. If your couples therapist is an addiction counselor, her counsel may be very wise, if she is not, she does not understand the nature of addictions. I believe you know what is best for you and your daughter. As long as you are clearheaded, have no agendas surrounding your decisions/choices and honor "to thine own self be true" you will make the best choices possible in the moment.....all of this and more you will come to believe and know through al anon.
Im sorry Trying hard, I think I came on too strong. I think you are doing really well with your situation right now, you are coping way better than I could, making the most of your days and your fighting for a better life through your meetings and coming here. I forget sometimes that it takes time, it took time to get us in the mess and its going to take time to get us out of it. Thank you for sharing and please forgive my impatient share earlier today.x
If its better for you and your daughter, maybe you should make clearer boundaries. If she is going to be In a relationship with another person , that is fine . Somehow you are still connected to the drama and want to see your wife because you still love her and want to be in her life at any cost.
But its decision time, are you going to allow the coming and going and the popping in and out to see the child? Have you taken any legal steps. ? I personally would not let her just come in and out whenever she pleases, if she wants to see her daughter it should be an arranged time. There has to be consequences or she will keep doing the same.
Who will be hurt more in the end? Your daughter, she will eventually have to face the facts of her Mother, that is between the Mother and her. Don't try to add anything , I think your daughter already knows to much....how did that happen
Are you still blaming yourself or blaming her for a disease neither of you caused, can control or can cure? Child of God comes to me following your question as to what other name you might use in relationship to her. The word you are using only nurses your judgment and is not helpful to you, to her or to your daughter. I know. It's hard to see a person who is appearing to be able to do and say whatever she wants without consequence or without caring how that affects others. This is what I learned. As a human being, I don't know what is going on in the mind and heart of another person. Only my HP can do that. What I can do and see is that I am making judgments of a person and not their behavior that is harmful to me and to them. In that way, I'm selling my own humanity out and letting my false self rule. My ego helped to create some of the drama I have lived through. My ego only increases it. It never shows me the way out of it. My true self always knows a different way to think, feel and behave if I'll get quiet enough to listen.
Oh! I'm just now finally reading Codependent No More too! I just read a bit about anger today. It blew me away, much as the rest of the book has done. I'm thinking I'm going to need to read this book slowly several more times at least when I'm done with the first reading.
I remember calling my now ex-AH "Dad of the Year" during our divorce, because that's when all the fun trips and gifts for the kids started. I so wish I had dealt with my codependency issues back then instead of letting it all fester and poison me for another ten years. If I had known then what I know now, I'd have been able to detach from the Dad-of-the-Year antics and let it be. Let him be. Not preoccupy myself with what crap HE was pulling, but occupy myself with everything I was doing. Easy with hindsight, I guess.
I am unsure how you will continue to proceed with her being with someone else and still living together. I could not continue doing all the same family things we did beforehand and I had to move out, I just did not have it in me to stay around him and the kids adjusted easily to doing things with me and doing things with exAH seperately. I know you will figure it out and are reading and digging into your program which will help you. Lots of this takes time, keep your head up! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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