The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
yesterday was a numbing day. All day at work I just kept thinking of how sad it is that AW has no chance of ever gaining my trust again. I chatted on MIP for a while and heard some very similar stories. It helped to hear that others have heard their loved ones say "you are the reason everything in my life is awful". The 3C's. There is nothing I did to get AW here. so I felt better. I also decided to mute the voices of "friends" who tried to tell me it was 11 years of my behavior that made AW the way she is now. I almost bought into it then I realized No. No I won't do it I managed her disease without anyone's help without knowing what it was how dark and strong it was alone for 11 years and I did nothing to get her to this point. I felt better. I came home with our daughter and AW was home and in a good mood her psychiatrist upped her Prozac dosage to 30mg she weighs 150 and the psychiatrist won't see her again for a month. no drinking at all for the past 2 days that may be helping. How long she can keep it up. Probably not past Friday. So I made plans for Friday night with our daughter to have a sleep over at a friends house mostly because I know Friday night will likely be a "tough" night for AW and I don't want to be around for it and my kid should not be around for it. AW said ok. She seemed peaceful. Said she was having a better day. it was nice to see her be civil to me and sweet and loving to our daughter. Yes civility that's what it felt like. And It was nice. I logged in at 9pm for the meeting but it got off to a late start and AW insisted on staying in bed with my daughter and I reading stories while I tried to be in the meeting head space. i could almost deal with that then at 9:30 my daughter decided no more stories but she wouldn't sleep without me hugging her. So much for the meeting. So it's 3am and I must be lonely because I always wake up at this time when my brain refuses to let go. Like a dog with a bone. Ina few hours I will be faced with another day. I hope it walks me farther down the path to detachment and farther away from the place of co dependency. Thank you for letting me vent.
There were many many times that I came to this board in the middle of the night when anxiety took over. I'm glad you did that too. You are doing what you can for yourself and your daughter, and even if you aren't feeling this way, your strength is coming through. Keep coming here, getting to meetings and taking care of yourself--keeping the focus on yourself. Many of us here have been where you are. You are not alone.
Trying- it seems you are doing better, distancing yourself from the bad not blaming yourself. there are many ups and downs its a process one day at a time. The "lonely" is one of the hardest parts for me when I get to awfully lonely I get on here and just read, relate and I don't feel so alone. I live on a farm middle of nowhere and due to financial shape AH left me in don't get out much to be around people this board has been a life line. I also got lots of bad advice from well intentioned friends everything from take all his money to don't leave his side ever! some of it even came from AH himself and I even tried most of it failing miserably, his family and friends blamed me when he was sober because he wouldn't party with them but when he did and wound up going 3 or 4 days straight coming home on the brink of death they blamed me then to, no win situation then I came here heard all the stories learned the 3 C's I have much more peace now. keep coming back focusing on you and your daughter and working the program, we have to get threw the dark to see the light. (((TryingHard2013)))
You got through another day and it sounds like you got through it pretty well with her. Good focus on your daughter and planning the sleepover. Just a hunch but I think if there is any fall out with your spouse, you will be ready for it. A young child doesn't need to witness that. It's good she'll be having fun with friends out of the house Friday night. You would think I'd know more about dosing according to a person's weight having a pill addict exah but I don't. If I'm mistaken you can correct me, I felt you were elluding to your wife being overmedicated. Yes... the 3Cs can be such a help at these times. I realized beyond the obvious that there was "doctor shopping" going on. Before the program I would run around putting out one fire and meanwhile another was raging without my knowing. We are powerless over this disease, powerless. Please keep taking care of yourself. A good tool I've found for waking in the night with that startled realization and panicky feeling that my whole life has suddenly been overturned; is saying the Serenity Prayer over and over. I realize this may seem like a simple answer but I've found it calming and eventually it can help me to go back to sleep. Saying it slowly and concentrating on the words helps. Whatever your higher power, it can be a very useful prayer. Keep sane and I hope you choose to keep coming back to recover with us. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Each day you get to begin anew. Over the years, I have simplified my support system. I found through the sharing at meetings and with my sponsor, I did not have as much of a need to share with people outside of al anon. You are doing great, keep going.
When I was in the heat of it and had insomnia for some time I would read a chapter and it put me in a great head space to get back to bed. I read "Codependent No More" Melody Beattie of "Getting Them Sober" Toby Rice Drews. I had a long stretch right after we split to be able to what I call normalize and I had to read a lot, but it helped me immensely. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you for the replies everyone they do help. Tiredtonight you hit the nail on the head with putting out one fire while others were raging uncontrollably just out of my sight. And waking up feeling like my life was upside down. Thank you for that I smiled when I read that. As far as the dosage no I don think she is under medicated I think she is improperly medicated I think she is more bi polar with major depressive features than just major depressive disorder. But she won't try another psychiatrist and well it's her recovery so when she told me about the new dosage I just said ok then we all wait to see what happens don't we. Good luck. The serenity prayer yes I will try that. I always sleep better away from her now. That is a change a major change. PP yes I am narrowing my support pool to those loyal to me and my daughter who have provided emotional and physical shelter to us during this hard time. And not to the people who can't begin to accept that her disease is the driving force in her life. I will keep coming here. I will buy those books breakingfree and I will live an hour at a time. Because HP doesn't ever give me something I can't survive even though it feels like I'm going to die and HP doesn't ever give me anything that doesn't let me emerge stronger and better prepared for the next stage of my life.thank you.
Each day you get to begin anew. Over the years, I have simplified my support system. I found through the sharing at meetings and with my sponsor, I did not have as much of a need to share with people outside of al anon. You are doing great, keep going.
i agree with Paula, AND when I can't sleep i just get out the steps and read them or literature and I get relaxed and want to sleep.....i stepped up the meets, sponsor, recovery mates and I, too, had less of a need to share outside of programme...i kept it simple and safe..
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
