The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been working on detaching from my addict son. This is a process for me, I just don't jump into things. I think, I test the waters, I swim in and see how far I can go. This is a necessary step for me, to recover some peace and necessary for him to do whatever it is he needs to do for his life. Co-dependent to the core, thats me. But I've been working on that and unraveling some of those ties that bind us. The need to do this was really reinforced for me while hanging Xmas decorations on the tree this past holiday. Unwrapping the ornaments that the kids had made or had been given during their childhood years started triggering memories for me. At first the happy ones, when they were still very young and sweet. And then some dark ones, from my son's teen years when he had been, basically, uncontrollable. And those in turn brought memories of alot of the crappy and really crappy things he has done over the years since. I have forgiven/blocked out so many things. What have I been thinking these last few years? Never give up on your kids! Thats a good one, buys them all kinds of comfort and escape from consequences. Wow, what so many others had seen so clearly and tried to get me to see and I just couldn't let it go. Well I'm getting it now. I've been dabbling in this for the last 2 years, to be honest, not working a program. But I'm seeing now, where that will be necessary to sustain this detachment. Thank you to my HP for allowing me to find this web-site. Thank you all for listening and sharing your wisdom with me. I'm a work in progress, hoping to find serenity and the calm to accept anything that may happen as a result of my actions.still not quite there yet BTW, had a realization that letting go is a normal function of healthy parent/child relationships. Kids grow up, get lives of their own, move away from home and the parents let them go & don't try to run their lives. Parents are around for moral support and advise, but not day to day interference. My parents did this with me and we have done it with our daughter. Why this did not happen with my son I don't completely understand, but I do know that he had poor coping skills early on (there was always drama) and he was very manipulative early on..and somehow I got sucked into rescuing him all the time. Hoping someday to have a better understanding of all of that. Thanks for listening. Trying to get my arms around all of this and keep moving in the right direction.
We will support while you grow and we will make suggestions from our own experiences those which have worked for us and maybe even mention those which didn't for perspective. Reflection for me is looking backward and I can and will do that with conditions...one condition is that I don't stay there and another is that I don't do it to revisit pain and to revisit acceptance and understanding. I reflect on my part in it and when that part was supportive, good, positive, love as I wished I was loved I pat myself on the back and whisper "good job" regardless of the outcome. My eldest son can be described as you have described you own. He like myself carries the DNA of the disease and he like myself was/is self determined with a being stuck on self preoccupation. We were separated when he was young along with his other siblings...my first marriage was to an addict and I wouldn't wish what happened to us on my worse enemy. I duplicated that venture with another marriage to an alcoholic/addict after a relationship with an alcoholic (my part in it without any understanding of where I came from and the deep tap root of the disease). One of the things I learned when my eldest son came to live with me at the age of 19 was tough love. He was alcoholic/addict and I had no fanatical expectations of the future. I had already been in the Al-Anon Family Groups for a while and had some skills. I learned tough love as a part of my daily personality and life and applied it to the re-initiation of our relationship while I was applying it to the disolving of my marriage. Tough love works when you work it and with great strides in detachment "they" are allowed to choose which ever way they want to live and have the dignity of the full consequences without my interference or judgement. I did not interact unless I was poked for a response to a question from them, (either my ex-Alcoholic/Addict wife, my alcoholic/addict son or others in my life) I didn't not interfere in anyway...comment or judgement. That worked for me and my trust and faith in a power greater than myself revealed that there is one and that HP has many tools and devices to bring me to serenity, keep me there and then have me help others with what I have had come about which always has been beyond my wildest espectations. My son made some decisions that were beneficial to himself and he became a husband, father and recently a grandfather. He has been a successful business owner and a minister in his church and has also relapsed in the last year and blew the whole thing up. He and his family is a mess...badly...and he/they get to own it all. We feel for them and hope for them and will sit and speak with them if and when they are willing to sit and listen. We cannot and will not do for them as both my current wife and I know what the outcome of that will be for us.
I divorced my son and parted our living relationship when he came to live with me. I would not jeapordize my own recovery and he knew it. He had no rant or blame against my decision none was available. That is being duplicated presently with him and his wife. As long as they continue to do the same things over and over and over again without attempting to inventory what it is that they need to change and then make the attempt to find and learn those changes we will not interfer. My son is not allowed on my property in his current self centered, egotistical, using personality. I don't deal with "King Baby" personalities especially at my home.
The steps start out with "We admitted we were powerless..." and then continue "...and that our lives had become unmanagable". That is the key to the lock of the door to the rooms of recovery for me. Inside of those rooms are the members with their ESH who have saved my life and then helped me rebuild it. The disease humbled me and in the program I learned that the acceptable definition of humble is "being teachable" and for that I am forever grateful...the rooms retaught me after the disease forced me to learn to do my life different...better.
The MIP Family supports me on a daily basis...my meeting within a meeting. Mahalo Akua...Thank You God. Keep coming back Heythere and thanks for your trust and experience. (((((hugs)))))
Hello. As I've shared before, my son also suffers from this disease. He, too, was a child who was different than most children I had known and different than my daughter. There are many dark memories that I have combined with ones that are sweet and endearing. Something you said caught my interest - that of not giving up on your child. I didn't give up on my child, but I did give up on wanting him to be different than he was and than he is. I drug myself to therapists, self-help groups, Al-Anon and Coda rooms, looking for the things I was doing that created the child that he was and looking for the changes I could make that would lend itself to helping him be a happier and less troubled kid. I also took him to therapists, Alatot, Alateen, church and whatever other healthy outlets I could take him to. I imposed consequences. I wasn't the kind of Mom who let him do whatever he wanted to do as a child with no interference and no consequence. He complained when he was about 13 years old that I didn't let him get away with anything as if that were a problem to be solved on my part. When he was 14, he finally got his way and was able to move from my home into his father's apartment which he told me later was because he knew that at his Dad's he could do anything he wanted unlike living with me.
Every therapist I went to - except for one who wanted to put him on meds that hadn't been on the market for very long that I refused and he got nasty about my no - told me that I was healthy and that I was a good Mom who doubted herself too much. I didn't hide anything about myself or my parenting from them. I truly wanted to be the best Mom I could be for myself and for my children. But, living with a child who was constantly pushing, often mean, doing things that had no rhyme or reason to them, defiant, self-pitying, and stubborn didn't lend itself to me believing them wholeheartedly. I just kept thinking there was something I could change to help him change. There was something I could do to help him be happier, less defiant, less complicated, manipulative, actively mean and strangely behaved. I was always searching for that answer on how to love him in ways that helped him grow healthy and strong. None every came. I made mistakes as a parent with him and I also see at my age now that no one - not doctors, not therapists, not clergy, not the government, not even AA or NA - could have done any better in relationship to him because none have.
He is close to 40 now. He is the same person he was as a child only bigger. Nothing fazes him for long. No soft love or tough love makes a difference to him. No crisis, hard consequence or suffering seems to help him grow. It is as if he is hard-wired to be who he is no matter what happens on the outer. I, like Jerry, will no longer allow him on my property. I was put in a position recently where I saw that even a letter or a phone call to him or from him would only put me in a position where I was going to be back to square one with him. Mostly nos on my part. Constant threats, bullying, manipulations and boundary crashing on his with a little sweetness thrown in that always melts my heart. He is my son. I love him. I don't love the disease or its ways and can no longer tolerate it. I love myself more now. I won't put myself in harm's way with the disease now. My son is a mystery to behold and not a problem to be solved. Yet, his behaviors are a threat to my peace, my well-being, my livelihood, my life as I want it. I don't like that reality, but it is the reality that is mine. I can't say I've given up on him as much as I've surrendered to the reality that I've done all I can do and that I don't want to do anymore. There's no more I can do. There is no magic formula that will help me have the relationship I want to the son I have.
Sifting through the past is over for me. Looking for the ways I can change to be a better Mom to him is over for me. Hoping to have a mutual relationship of acceptance, respect and safe, loving interchanges between us - over for me. I have been able to let go of thinking I'll have a son who will look out for me as I age. I've been able to let go of thinking I must have caused this and therefore I can at least control what happens when I'm with him even though I know I can't cure him. I do what I can do to take care of myself and I no longer let self-doubt and self-blame keep me up nights wondering where I went wrong and what I can do to put things right between us. I also see that it takes two people to make or break a healthy parent-adult child relationship. I no longer believe I owe my child anything because he is my child. I believe I owe myself something and that is a life that isn't riddled with my son's poor choices and consequences for those. I also believe that I can hold my adult child responsible for his behavior in relationship to me and if he doesn't want to behave with basic human decency towards himself or towards me - that is his choice/conscious or unconscious - doesn't matter. As far as I'm concerned, even alcoholism as a disease is no longer enough reason for me to want to spend any time with him. It's miserable for me.
My daughter and my grandson and I have a relationship that works for us now. That can change, too, but right now those are the family members I choose to engage with and spend time with. Both show me what I'd like in relationship to my son. They are both - to my knowledge - happy with what they receive in relationship to me, too. Although I haven't given up on my son, I have given up on wanting anything different than it is between us. I've done all I can do for longer than some might do it. When and if he ever sees that to be a part of our family requires something of him that is more than his self-centered demands and disrespect towards himself and towards us, there will be room in my life for him again. But, not until that happens or until my HP shows me a different way.
It took me awhile to get to this place. It will take you awhile to get to where you think you want and need to be in relationship to your son. Showing yourself compassion and kindness, looking back without staring, expecting nothing different than what is reality in relationship to your son and doing what you can to care for yourself in it, refusing to blame, shame or guilt yourself and holding him responsible for his attitudes, behaviors and issues may help you get there sooner? I don't know if all of this will work for you. It is what worked for me. Keep coming back, attending meetings and doing things for you just because they feel good and right.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 10th of January 2014 05:32:00 AM
I have a son that has gone back out I found out. It's sad and I started with what am I going to do about it. Nothing I keep telling myself over and over. What I can do is pray, work my program, come here and know I'm not alone in this.
My son hasn't called me and if he does I will not answer. This is what I need to do now.
I can only pray someday I will be where Jerry and G2B is at right now. But with their help, help from Al-anon and all the good people on MIP...I will get there. I know this.
Prayers for you and your son that you will also find your way to happiness.
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
This is great stuff. I am listening with my mind wide open.
Im working on acceptance - acceptance of my son and my ex partner, acceptance of the past without feeling the need to go and relive it and I accept that I have made mistakes, big ones and little ones with my son. I was not the perfect Mother and yet from the minute my first child was born that was all I wanted to be. When I look back at my mistakes I know I have choices, I can stir up the old feelings, engage pity mode, self hatred, resentment for everyone and all the rest or I can say to myself that I did the best with what I had or knew at the time. I truly believe that because when I look back, even during the chronic enabling and obsession, I never knew what I never knew. I never knew that my enabling was prolonging the mess or adding to it, I never knew that I had no control and I was not to blame, I never knew that I did not have to humph that heavy bag of guilt on my back every day of my life and beat myself up mentally about what a failure as a Mother I was.
I am working towards loving myself more because thats the key to my recovery. When I am actively thinking of myself as a worthwhile and lovable person that is entitled to a good peaceful life then I make good decisions concerning everyone in my life and my motives are the most concrete ever. Do I want a drunken 'kingbaby' at home with me? eh no!!! because that will upset me, unnerve me, go against my human rights, possibly put me in danger so NO is the answer. The good thing is, its not about punishing my son in the hope he will change or controlling his consequences in the hope my actions will change him and then going back for round two just in case that time worked and hes all better now. Let Go and Let God is a loving thing to do, the most loving thing to do.x
Cathy, I'm sorry to hear that your son is out again, had been reading your threads and hoping that he would start turning in the right direction, as I hope my son will choose to do one day. (((hugs)))
Jerry, GTB & el-cee thank you for your thoughtful input. No one would choose this path to walk, but it is certainly comforting to have your wisdom to help me navigate to find my peace. I don't typically dwell on the past, the "shoulda, woulda, coulda's, I can't change any of it. But there was just something those ornaments triggered for me, maybe I needed to process all the bad stuff from the past as a reinforcement to this detachment process I'm trying to work thru. It certainly reminded me of how I got to this point and not just how sick my son is, but also how sick I have been as well. Getting out of his way is exactly what I need to do. My husband has gotten out of his way, his sister has as well. We all love him, they just have better boundaries than I have been able to maintain.
My other thoughts on this are a muddled mess right now. Feeling strong and feeling like stepping away is one of the best decisions I can make right now..hoping I will feel the same way the next time I hear from him. Pretty sure you will be hearing from me again. Let Go & Let God, hoping I can stick to it.
You know how to do it, heythere. Remember taking your son for shots, blood tests, his first fall as he tried to pull himself up on furniture, his first steps on his own as a baby, his first day of school, the first time he got in a fight and you knew that he'd listen to you only if he didn't like the results of it? Each of those childhood experiences, although we were there, we had to step away and let be what had to be for the child's best interests that we understood at the time. We knew they needed immunizations, to learn to balance, to learn to walk, to learn to go into the world without us, to do things that were better handled in ways that didn't require aggression. We didn't like any of it. The last thing we wanted was to let our kids hurt or be scared or learn how to take care of themselves without being in trouble all the time for taking care of themselves. Each shot, blood test, new experience without us was to prepare them for life and for the reality that we are not going to be there with them all the time for all time. They have a HP for that.
As a young adult, I screwed up a lot. I didn't know how to be on my own. I had to learn how to be on my own. My parents kept trying to run interference for me. I was their firstborn. It didn't help. They really didn't know me by the time I was a young adult and they really didn't know what was best for me. That wasn't because they didn't love me. That was because they weren't me. Their purpose in life was different than mine. It was my job to discover my purpose and to live it out. And I had to do that in the only way I could do it. They couldn't save me from me. I had to save me. I also had to credit myself and my HP for the progress I made. I credited my parents for raising me to the point I was able and willing to strike out on my own - with my strengths and my flaws. I do think they would have saved themselves a lot of anxiety and a lot of grief had they stayed out of my business when I was 19 and living on my own but they were them and I was me. Who knows if that is really even true. What I do know is that in spite of their best efforts to point me in the direction they wanted me to go - I had my own way of seeing myself and my life. I don't think I would have changed a thing from those early years on my own. I wouldn't have learned what I needed to learn any other way.
With my own son now, when things get muddled inside me - and they do - doing an 11th step and writing it out seems to help me remember the guidance I've received. I don't know if what works for me will help you, but I do want to offer it as a suggestion for you when the feelings and thoughts get all muddled. My sponsor is a big help, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 11th of January 2014 10:11:03 AM
BTW, had a realization that letting go is a normal function of healthy parent/child relationships. Kids grow up, get lives of their own, move away from home and the parents let them go & don't try to run their lives. Parents are around for moral support and advise, but not day to day interference. My parents did this with me and we have done it with our daughter. Why this did not happen with my son I don't completely understand, but I do know that he had poor coping skills early on (there was always drama) and he was very manipulative early on..and somehow I got sucked into rescuing him all the time. Hoping someday to have a better understanding of all of that. Thanks for listening. Trying to get my arms around all of this and keep moving in the right direction.