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Talked to AH (left home 3 months ago) last night. When AH left he admitted how badly he had treated me over the last year and that he needed to get help. Three months later, he still has not attempted to get any sort of help. In our conversation last night I talked to him if he had any interest in working things out or if he just wanted to end the marriage. He gave his normal, I don't know and I know I need to get help. In the last year the AH has anxiety attacks when he is near me. He can't breathe, so he leaves the room or does not come near me. I have noticed the anxiety attack and realize that it is not me nor my problem so I have not let it bother me. In our conversation I told AH that he really needs to get help for the anxiety as we have children and there will be functions where we will both be there and his anxiety attacks will become an issue. Then AH tells me that he has anxiety because when we go out he feels like he has to babysit me and entertain me. Irrational thinking and a grasp to put blame on me is my thought and he is trying to start a fight. I calmly tell AH that in the past I may have stood by in conversations but in no way did I ever expect him to babysit me or entertain me. I said if that is how he felt that I'm sorry and that in the last year I had made specific attempts to correct that action knowing that anytime I would by near him he would have an anxiety attack. I know I'm not causing his anxiety. My AH has always had an issue where we will be at a social function and he will leave the group and go somewhere - no one knows where he goes. He doesn't leave the property but he just goes to another room or somewhere else. His family, the kids and now his friends have noticed it and have commented on it numerous times. The kids and I now joke about it. So AH (in his complete rational state last night - note the sarcasm) tells me that when he leaves whatever social group that I judge him and I'm always watching him. Again, I calmly reply that in the past that I did watch him and that really what he does and where he goes is truly none of my business and for that I'm sorry for that behavior. I said I never judged him and I'm sorry he viewed my actions that way. I said in the last year I changed and no longer watched him or commented when he left, but that his friends and family were commenting on it and were asking questions as to why he does this. He then becomes very quiet and says fine. I told him that if he wants to discuss further we can and that we need to be able to converse with each other. I'm trying to detach with love, take ownership of my defects but at the same time not let him place blame on me when it does not belong there. I'm proud of myself for not allowing a full blown argument to happen, which I'm positive is what he wanted but at the same time I feel like I made amends for my past actions. When I told my friend what I had said and how the conversation played out, she thought I was enabling him by apologizing to him and that I should know where he is at all times. I'm trying to keep to my own side of the street and work my program and I thought I had made progress. Any thoughts - am I enabling him or did I just work a step? ESH appreciated.
I think you did great, and also in accepting your part in it. I did the same thing to my husband(who has now passed away) I think its part of the disease, to watch and become obsessed with the A and what he is doing. You have corrected your behavior and as long as you know you have that's all that is important.
We do not own our spouses and do not have to know where they are at all times, your friend I feel is wrong, wrong.
You worked step #1 "We are powerless over the alcoholic". Sometimes its not good to discuss our personal issues about the alcoholic with non alanon friends. They don't get it.
L I believe that you made successul amend. If your friend is not in the program she will not understand the process and her advice will be tainted.
Owning your part in a situation is for your benefit. Correcting our defects enables us to function in a healthy manner instead of reacting to the world
I think you did well. People often do not understand that having a backbone doesn't mean fighting and arguing with the A. It just means handing the disease back to them and maintaining your serenity and dignity. Sounds like you did that and you were realistic in discussing your reactions, your own behaviors, but also how you had little option but to react certain ways when he demonstrates very odd and erratic behaviors (which it doesn't make sense to blame you for).
It all sounds like good program work to me! Kudos.
It sounds to me like you handled it well. I have found through the years I seek less and less counsel from people that do not know/work the 12 steps. It just causes me less confusion.
I agree, people without the experience of this disease dont have much of a clue so its easy to make comments that arent based on experience. Your husband sounds like a wee child who has ran away to hide from his Mummy and then when you want to talk to him like an adult he cant cope so takes anxiety attacks. I also think you handled yourself well, you saw his tactics for the irrational behaviours that they are. Just keep on keeping on dont let his dis-ease affect you.x
Thank you all for ESH, I felt so much better last night going to bed feeling like I had corrected and made amends for some of my actions in our marriage.
I don't think it's possible to make a determination concerning yours or his behavior. When I feel myself questioning my actions or words, I usually check my motive and use the slogan THINK as a guide. Was it thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, kind. There is a lot that happens between a couple that an online post just can't reveal. There's body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, each of your separate histories and a history with one another involved in exchanges between mates. Just my experience... but after the dust settles, I usually have a better view of my part. Thanks for your share and for being here recovering with us. hugs! TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 9th of January 2014 08:26:41 PM
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