The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, today I am in a pissy mood. Yes, that's right: pissed off. AH was off traveling and doing what he always does: drinks. I am always wondering when I get ready to set a boundary if I am doing it in the right frame of mind or not or if it's going to be perceived as punishment. I'm at the point again where I realize it's not healthy for me to talk to him when he travels even when I know he's sober(or maybe just had a few and is coherent). I need to figure out how to communicate this boundary without creating a firestorm.
As for the 'just for todays', one of them keep coming up in my mind and I have been reciting it all morning. Today, my feelings may be hurt, they may be hurt, but I will not show it(paraphrased). I find this one so dang hard. Actually, what I find hard is the being nice when my feelings are hurt and not starting an argument, etc. There's a HUGE part of me that wants to lay into him today when he comes home. I usually am VERY good about keeping my mouth shut but for some reason, I am so ready to go to guns today. Maybe I'm hormonal, LOL?
I don't want a kiss from him today, I don't want him to come to the tennis tournament this weekend with us because I need space. But, am I punishing him because he drank? Do I need to go back to working on acceptance or is this more about me and the fact that I want to be healthy for ME and that I am willing to draw the line for myself and for what I feel comfortable doing/not doing? Sometimes I get confused about the 'what I want' and how that affects the alcoholic.
Anyway, the other 'just for today' that sticks out to me this AM is this: "Just for today, I will be agreeable...." Yes, I know there's more to this one, but that stuck out in my head: just be agreeable, Bonnie. UGH, well for today, I don't want to. I want to speak my peace, I want to let AH know that he's back on dangerous ground and that it's because he turned down everyone's suggestions to go to AA or Celebrate Recovery. I want him to know how much this hurts our family, and, quite frankly, I'm tired of being so damn nice. Ok, rant over. Thanks for listening folks. I know you all have been there at some point and I know you'll understand.
I find when I set boundaries I keep them I'm so much better in the long run. Like with my son. I don't know what he's up to and I don't want to know. Yeah the thought comes into my mind once in a while but I quickly let it go to God and then I'm OK again. I will not find out....because it might hurt ME.
He is going to drink or he's not....you need to make it like any other day and keep to your side of the street were it peaceful for you..
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Progress is sharing here before actually going off on an unproductive tantrum. Remember it is important take care of you. It is not to punish anyone if you say what you mean what you say without saying it mean. One day at a time. Your feelings matter and are important. The disease is baffling and there is no understanding it. He either will or he wont.
I can explain to A how much it hurts my feelings that he carries on communicating with that other woman. If I let go of the outcome. The fact he continues to do it. What do I do? Nothing, but carefully acknowledge my feelings and let it go. I will find my answers and when I am still and quiet and trust that HP will take care of me IF I am taking care of my feelings and my well being.
In loving support always
Oh, Cathy, I KNOW all that, truly I do. And, I know I'll calm down by the time he comes home and I will be polite, as always. There is just a part of me that is raging inside right now and I need to get a grip on it. And, quite frankly, with AH: it's not even about the drinking so much as it is about his attitudes. I just always feel like he's hiding something and I can't put my finger on it but it drives me up a tree to not trust someone like that, someone I gave my heart and soul to over all these years. I've learned a lot of lessons these past 2 years in program and maybe my anger needs to be directed at myself for not seeing what was clear right in front of me for so long. I was so blind.
My son lies and is hiding himself all the time. I have to keep telling myself he is sick and I can't cure, fit or bring it out of him. I just have to let go and know he knows what I know. He will learn on his time or he won't.
Let go Let God....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I do love the Just for Today Bookmark . I am reminded that although the piece of literature states that: " Just for today I will be agreeable, I will adjust myself to what is, I will not show that my feelings are hurt etc. " it does not tell me that I MUST be super sweet, make myself invisible or negate my own position
I believe that all the bookmark attempts to do is to address defects that I needed to look at. When I use this book mark as a guideline, I find that if I do not go to my negative "GO TO" reaction. I can just detach a little, then an alternate plan, word , action present themselves and I can respond with courtesy and respect and still hold a boundary and express my needs.
It is progress not perfection and you are human. Be gentle with yourself and stay in the NOW
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 9th of January 2014 09:52:12 AM
In addition to all the great e/s/h and program wisdom shared with you by our sisters, one question comes to my mind that I want to share with you to consider or to reject for your eyes and heart and mind only: Is there something you are hiding from yourself, but you just can't put your finger on it? I have learned that when I feel very strongly about something about another person, if I start with myself in journal form, I am able to discover something that will help free me up a little more. Hugs, Bonnie.
My mood always plays a role in how I react and respond to things. When I can acknowledge that my "pissy" mood tends to amplify my negative experiences, and do something to change MY moodt... (the only thing I really have the ability to change any ways) I get some relief from ME. And when that happens, I am much better able to deal with you, (others).
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
"I need space" sounded pretty reasonable to me. Are you able to create some? You could just tell him that; deep down I bet he will know exactly why you aren't feeling like being with him without you needing to say anything at all and then you get some time alone to look after you!!
I hope your pissy-fit goes away soon. I had one all day on Monday. Everyone survived
I'm smiling in recognition Thank you for your honesty.
Sometimes I gets fed up with being nice and I catch myself stomping around like a five year old reciting 'I don't want to be a Stepford Wife'!!!
AH and I have times when work means that we are apart and it has been interesting watching how my mood can shift when we are about to get back into the same space again. I guess it comes down to my shifting expectations and then beating myself up about it (yes, its silly I know!). I like the idea of journalling for it.
This to shall pass as they say. (((((Hugs)))))
I love that wee card, I like the 'I will be agreeable' one too. I like the affect it has on my day when I remind myself of it throughout the day. Its like a reminder to behave yourself and be happy. Its amazing that we have that power over ourselves.
Good reminder- I keep the book marker in a few places to help me remember... just for today... it sets me on a healthier path. I'm glad you could unload here and I understand that feeling of being kept off-balance. I wanted to blame the A- as, clearly, he had issues. Then I wanted to blame me- why didn't I do something for myself sooner! So, when I ran out of people to blame, I was able to come closer towards acceptance. The truth is that he hid a lot really well for a long time and the disease is often insidious and I had/ have weaknesses. The good news is that I can strengthen my weaknesses with Alanon.
I am soooo glad for your Pissy Mood Bonnie...how else could I have sat and read all of the "right on" responses from my MIP family. Grateful beyond words. Early on in Al-Anon I was brought to the understanding that I didn't have a daily plan for my life...none at all and I was and had "lived on pure (good and bad) luck" for the 37 years prior to finding Al-Anon. How was I going to get and have and work a simple daily program?...memories and then walk the "Just For Today" bookmarker. I did it and still do it...It sets me up on a daily basis and I don't have to feel less than because someone else invented it...who cares? It works for me.
Be nice because you are nice...be loving because that is most natural ...loving and love able. Don't be something you are not even when you have the choice to do that. He is not and no one else is the justification for your thinking, feelings, spirit and behaviors "unless you allow it and participate in it" Why give yourself away to someone who isn't qualified to manage you? These are thoughts and lessons I leared from the elders in the early rooms of my program. They gave me a better perspective and then the permissions and support to act on them. The Women of my early Al-Anon program reparented me...YAY!! I was kind of an old orphan at that time and they didn't care. I'm happy and grateful...Own yourself sister...just yourself. In support (((((hugs)))))
Wow, Jerry! Your share hit me right on the head like a 2 by 4. I love this especially, 'why give yourself away to who isn't qualified to manage you'. I never thought of it that way. I was always wracked with guilt because I wasn't allowing him into my life. I also like the 'be loving and love able'. If I turned all b i t c h y on him, that would definitely not be love able nor loving and that would be out of character for me, to begin with. So, why go out of character, even if I so desperately want to shame someone who is probably experiencing their own self hatred and shame? Yeah, doesn't make much sense when I write it out and put it down on paper. Thanks everyone!
I know this was not posted today, but coming back from lunch I was in a pissy mood. I had talked to my AH before lunch and an hour later he could barely have a conversation with me over the phone. He is self-employed now and pretty much drinks whenever he wants. I started posting around Christmas time this year and had decided to step back to my side of the road. I have managed to keep a peaceful house even though my husband is drinking on a daily basis. He has also missed out on our kids activities but I have not fought with with him. Today, I wanted to tell him I know! I am not stupid! You are not fooling me! I had called him but did not ask if he was drinking. I knew the answer. I could feel the tears coming on the way back to my office, angry tears. I was even about to call him back to scream at him. Nag at him him and ask him again why he is doing this? Instead I came across this post. This helped me realize that nothing I could say to him will help the situation. So I focused on my job and changed my attitude. I even managed to send him a text reminding him a show we both love is coming on tonight. Thank you for the original post and for everyone who contributed. Even though this post was not started by me I felt this way today.
