The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have learned so much from coming here and reading and listening. I am now realizing how much we enabled our son to follow an unrealistic dream. How we allowed him to avoid reality and even avoid growing up emotionally! Had we made him face the consequences of his actions after he finished college, had we not bailed him out when he got into credit card debt, had we told him plainly that his marriage failing was probably 75% his fault and had we called him on his selfishness and self involvement, he might not be in the condition he is in today. We called it love! We thought that was what a good parent does. We thought we were helping him make a new start in life. Problem is that he took all of his old garbage into that life and now, once again, he is asking for help.
This is so hard because we set up the pattern. We are feeling huge guilt because he is all alone. We are afraid that he will hate us, That he will be homeless and desperate, that he will do something rash. But we know that we have to say no, with love, with regret, with remorse for the times we said yes. Because he is not growing up emotionally. He will try to manipulate as he is sooooo good at that! We just have to stand firm this time. But gosh, it is just so hard as so many of you know.
Yes, it is hard to say no and stick to it. And, we can do it. I learned to accept that my son could go to jail, could be homeless, could be jobless and could be penniless and could do rash things. I could accept it because he did all those things. I didn't cause it. I couldn't control it. I couldn't cure it. I could create boundaries for myself that I could live with and stick with those with the help of people - for awhile primarily those who had been in AA recovery and were now in Al-Anon - who helped me remember I was his Mom - not his Savior, not his nurse, his therapist or the one who could or would be able to help him make choices I would have preferred.
Some of us grow up slower than others. That's okay. Not all vegetable or fruit plants produce a crop or a good crop their first season. Trees take a long time to grow from saplings or seeds into 15 or 20 feet trees, with strong and weathered trunks, deep roots and branches laden with leaves to hide the birds and squirrels and bees.
Once we see our part, we are only responsible for changing it. Once we make the changes we see to make, we've made an amends.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 8th of January 2014 02:13:05 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 8th of January 2014 02:14:07 PM
It is very hard....you have many of us to stand alongside you, one day at a time.
I agree an I hope you can get past the guilt...You did what we all did at one time or another...at least YOU see it and are not in denial about it......you accept the mistake and have learned from it.. AND that is all it was: A mistake.....born out of love....so please don't beat you up....you learned...He might be confused now, however one day, if he ever gets into program and sees himself, he will thank you for stepping aside and allowing him to live his journey, speed bumps and all...
Trust me...Doing this is the BEST hope for his hitting his bottom and reaching out for help.....GOOD job...You folks acted with not only the highest form of true love, but bravery and good sense as well......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Oh, I could have written your words. I have felt that way for years about my eldest son but I began working on forgiving myself and saying 'I did the best I could with what I knew at the time'
I blame the society we live in too. We are sold this idea of what parents should be on a day to day basis. We 'produce' the child and so the adult they turn out to be is solely in the hands of the parent. Its all our fault!!! No way, how can we possibly be the only influence on another human beings life, genetics, school, peer pressure, etc have influence over children and when it turns out that we have children with isms then we blame ourselves, its not rational or logical. A childs place within a family and within society changes throughout history and at the moment we are expected to look after them for years and take responsibility for them for years. Its not a good thing for children or parents. It can affect their development and ours. Im rambling here!!
I dont really blame myself anymore, well 99% of the time. My guilt kept me wrapped up in the whole mess for years. I desperately did the same things over and over again trying to fix something that wasn't mine to fix. Working this program and accepting my thinking was flawed and being open to a new way of thinking has saved me from this. Thanks for sharing.x
Deacon, Please get rid of the guilt, read about it, understand how it takes over your actions....Pray about it. Guilt is what fueled and motivated my enabling. Forget it, you did the best you knew how when there was trouble, don't blame yourself. You now know what happened, keep moving forward. Now is the time to take care of YOU, and your husband should do the same. I use to say "ok just one more time" I will pick you up and then you are on your own. But it never worked. But when I said "you are on your own now, you are no dummy you know what to do, get it together its YOUR life" it worked. I finally "Got It" and so did he.......those words were NOT easy...but I had tried everything else, I just gave it to God and said "he's Your's" In support og
Open Letter from the Alcoholic
I am an alcoholic. I need your help.
Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.
Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.
Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.
Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.
Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.
Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.
Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.
Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic
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Cindy
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Paula is right You have many to stand along side you
I know I loved my son and no doubt over protected him I did the best I could . OG suggestion s the best-- we can nows turn him over to HP and let go of the guilt
