The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As of today, AW will come and go as she pleases now but I will do what I did before I knew where she was coming and going to. I will keep me and my child busy with other kids with friends and family that love and support us. I will ask for the minimum in boundaries for now like I don't know how about listening to your Spanish rock love ballads wit headphones thnx. Since that is what her lover and her prefer. I will also leave the room when she gets abusive leave the apartment with my lil one if she won't stop. Leave the apartment with my lil one when she is out with her lover because being home is horrible. More than all of this I will be looking for the new middle ground where we can communicate with our daughter. I can accept that AW is no longer my wife. She does not belong to my heart nor mine to hers. She is someone else's burden now. And I wish them the best. Because life is long and heavy and only HP and recovery make it bearable. I love my daughter with every corner of my heart and I used to look at her and see AW and that multiplied that love but also made it dependent on AW's behavior towards me. But now I don't see AW when I look at my daughter I see a magical strong little being who is the greatest gift i could have gotten. I see me in her and I send her freedom and strength to live life on her terms and not depend on finding love in someone else but instead finding it in herself. It's 2:29EST every hour I keep saying to myself that I'm glad it's all out in the open and I'm not in my head anymore. Our second marraige counseling session is today at 6pm. Our first was on 12/7/13 that session was intended to be a beginning to finding eachother again. Now the session is meant to provide a way to communicate so we can co parent this child. I can't think of the future the what Ifs of our ability to communicate and be civil but I can say that at 2:31EST I am living in the moment.
You sound like a brilliant parent and you want to do what is best for your child. Sometimes doing what is best for ourselves is the best thing for our children. Alanon will help get things straight for you in your own head and it looks like you are embracing the program already. Keep coming back and sharing your progress.x
You don't say if your wife is drunk in front of the child or is abusive toward her. You leave a lot out.
Would you be this upset if your AW was seeing another man? I think you are still too emotional and thrown off kilter. Couples therapy is good , sometimes, but it still won't force her to give up her addictions or this woman. You need to acknowledge your part in it.
Are you controlling? You seem to want to force an outcome, do you believe HP has a plan for all of you.
Be careful not to have any discussions in front of your child. That is still that child's Mother. Do you have sole custody? Also do not transform your feelings onto your child. Addiction is not a moral issue.
Step back, easy does it. LET GO and connect with your HP.
-- Edited by Beatrice on Tuesday 7th of January 2014 05:21:57 PM
You don't say if your wife is drunk in front of the child or is abusive toward her. You leave a lot out.
Would you be this upset if your AW was seeing another man? I think you are still too emotional and thrown off kilter. Couples therapy is good , sometimes, but it still won't force her to give up her addictions or this woman. You need to acknowledge your part in it. Are you controlling? You seem to want to force an outcome, do you believe HP has a plan for all of you. Be careful not to have any discussions in front of your child. That is still that child's Mother. Do you have sole custody? Also do not transform your feelings onto your child. Addiction is not a moral issue. Step back, easy does it. LET GO and connect with your HP.
-- Edited by Beatrice on Tuesday 7th of January 2014 05:21:57 PM
I agree with this..I, too, think you are trying to force an outcome in your favor???? letting her stay there while in withdrawal??? Is she drunk around the baby??? I dont' understand some of this....and I agree...NO discussions in child's presence......if she is not willing to go to recovery, get sober, get off drugs/drink, what do you hope to accomplish??? I am glad you are in programme, but I concur with Beatrice....
-- Edited by neshema2 on Tuesday 7th of January 2014 07:19:03 PM
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Yes I agree that I was trying to force an outcome until last night and then something great happened today AW said she no longer wanted a relationship she just wanted to co parent. And that she was over me. And suddenly I felt free. AW has been an absentee parent for the better part of my daughters life but now to spite me she wants to spend more not less time with her. Well to me that's a win. It's a win because I am no longer morally responsible for AW and if she steps it up with our daughter then great. If she doesn't she doesn't and my custody case gets stronger. AW also said that she will no longer drink around our daughter. She said she hates me too much to lose our daughter to me in a custody battle. These were her words during couples therapy. So actually I'm having a great night and it may just be the night but that's 2 in a row and I feel at peace.
I really don't want to rain in your parade .. I have to ask .. why in the world do you think she can go without drinking in front of your child? To let you know .. last visitation ended because my stbax was drinking straight vodka out of a wine glass. This is an upgrade from the coffee cup he used and now that I go back through the texts I can see he was drinking and the kids were with him. He wasn't driving them I do know that for fact. I was picking them up. He didn't make it 2 hours into visitation before I got the call from my 14 year old. There were a lot of weird things going on when the kids were staying over night. He was involved, sort of, he can't emotionally connect with them. I wanted to see him connecting new I have more perspective to see I was the emotional connection between them all. Now that I am not involved .. I see it so much clearer. I am only saying to have very low expectations as to how much and when she sees your daughter. I never thought my stbax would go 6 months without seeing his kids. Which is all my fault .. that is his perception. The guilt is overwhelming and I am now understanding even on some small level he recognizes he can't have them and not drink. Hugs, it's a rollercoaster I'm still learning when to hold on and when to let go. The ride is easier when I let go.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You have your priorities right, the protection and the survival of your innocent child. The co-parenting of your child in a peaceful manner, this is a worthwhile endeavor. You seem very calm and cool about doing the best thing for the relationship. Although you have not failed to bring up your x-mates agenda and her faults in every post. When we center on the alcoholics faults, we lose focus of our own faults and what work we should be doing to recover ourselves........ og
__________________
Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Ty oldergal. I am painfully aware of my faults. I tried to control and manage my AW for the past 11 years and especially the past 2 months. My marriage felt like it was turning into smoke. So yes I am aware. It hurts.
BTW: How's it going today for you? Have you been able to get out a little or are you snowed in, too, TH. I remember you were in CA. I think you were flying back to NY?
Grateful I am going one hour at a time today focusing on my detachment and my work. I have a therapist appointment tonight. I will likely vent and cry but I feel more peaceful and grounded than I have in a long time. I can actually work without getting trapped in my head. I can actually eat without vomiting 10 minutes later. I am as well as can r expected. I am not snowed in in NYC it's just very cold. My daughter is with her grandmother today. She is doing well. Tonight AW said she will be home and will be supervised by my mother during the evening while I go to therapy. I am pacing myself.
I'm so glad you are taking it one hour at a time. Sometimes, I could only do a minute at a time, and that was enough to get me through. Glad you have a safe place to vent and cry with your therapist tonight. Good that you can work without getting trapped in your head. Choosing to eat rather than starve yourself - such good self-care - and I'm glad you can keep it down, too. I didn't leave my kids with their grandmother while I was working, but I did have a really good sitter who understood kids and alcoholism and took good care of me while she also took good care of my children. That was such a help to have somebody I trusted taking care of my children who also cared about me. It must be a gift for you to know you have somebody there who cares both for you and for the toddler? Doing simple things at a slow and easy pace was about all I could do at first.
