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My AW came home at 2 am and begged me to forgive her. Said her new meds had kicked in and she felt remorse for wrecking our family. Admitted the affair with the coworker said she made A bug mess of our lives. I was so happy she came home it was so good to hear her say those things. All morning I could barely sleep I was so happy I could not believe she actually admitted it all and came home od her own free will. I left for a play date with our daughter told her I would be home at 5pm. She said ok. Then I came home and she was gone. Sent me a text Told me she made a mistake coming home. Said she was back at the other woman's place. Said she did not know when she would be able to live with us again. But she could live with the other woman. And it was like she lifted me up to drop me. She told our daughter mami is home mami won't leave again. We believed her and she is gone. This is worse somehow then her leaving in the first Place or asking me for a divorce or any of it. I hate her right now she set us up. HELP MIP I'm drown again it's day 8.
Boundaries, T!!!! I certainly understand the comings and goings of an active A. I also understand that Al-Anon teaches us not to allow ourselves to be used or abused in the interest of somebody's recovery. That also applies to ours. That kind of behavior will probably continue as long as you allow it. What boundaries are you ready to put in place to take good care of yourself and your daughter that feel right and do-able for you? You don't have to share them, but I hope you help heal yourself by discovering what they are, putting them in place, and coming up with a plan for yourself if she chooses to cross those boundaries which in her state she might do. Sorry! I know this all feels terrible. With recovery work and boundary setting, this time will pass and you will be healthier because of it and your work in Al-Anon. (((T)))
Sent me a text Told me she made a mistake coming home. Said she was back at the other woman's place. Said she did not know when she would be able to live with us again. But she could live with the other woman. And it was like she lifted me up to drop me. She told our daughter mami is home mami won't leave again. We believed her and she is gone. This is worse somehow then her leaving in the first Place or asking me for a divorce or any of it. I hate her right now she set us up. HELP MIP I'm drown again it's day 8.
OMG...this borders either insanity or cruelty or both......Dear Trying, I know you love her but sometimes love aint enough...Not with a full blown alcoholic....and i heard from experts...that the cheating part is not part of the disease...yea, dysfunction and broken promises, crazy insanity, but cheating?? i was told that drinking does not cause cheating....a cheater is a cheater so essentially you have two issues....a full blown alcoholic who so far is very active AND you have unfaithfulness.....two separate issues.....I am truly sorry....
She sounds like my Daugher #2 sometimes....the up and down, happy/depressed...rollar coaster to the point where I was ready to vomit....I had to cut her loose to save me...my own daughter...I had to do it to save me....its self preservation.......someone described a merry go round on another post....I just hope you keep working program....get strong and get able to jump off this merry go round and let it GO.....
PLEASE find a meet...do you have a recovery mate you can talk w/, I mean TALK on phone or face to face with???? IF so, contact them...you need someone healthier to talk with.....
STEP one.....I am powerless..........STEP two...HP is not..........STEP 3...TIME to give this up and over to HP and LET HER GO....
I know, this is tough...It sucks...the games they play, the insanity of it all and the victims and "emotional" dead bodies they leave behind...
please keep working your program so you can cut this woman loose and be on your way to a happy life.....she , as long as she is not in recovery AND she is cheating on you, is a walking, talking heartbreak and disaster......I am SO sorry, but I am NOT in any way surprised.....seen it too often....
Keep coming back....keep working on you....You need you....that poor little girl needs you....that is your incentive....posting here is good, but i am hoping you have a meeting pal you can talk w/....at our meets, we exchanged phone #s in case of a "need to share" moment arose.....
-- Edited by neshema2 on Sunday 5th of January 2014 10:39:02 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Trying Hard this is the madness of this disease, I'm so sorry.
You have to try and separate the disease from the woman. I'm sure this other woman is also influencing her.
She is not doing this to you, she will probably change her mind one hundred times again and explain to the dtr, her Mom is sick.
all you can do is keep up your meetings, stay strong and try to keep your sanity and accept she has a disease. Pray my friend, for strength and wisdom. Stay in touch with your higher power.
I'm sorry this is such a rollercoaster for you and your daughter. It sounds like your wife is on an emotional rollercoaster too right now. It sounds like a very painful situation for the three of you. If you are able to get to Alanon meetings, there is understanding and comforting offered as you go through this. Some in person meeting even offer childcare on the premises. Meetings give us strength and support and an opportunity to regain sanity in such a crisis and help us to feel less alone. We also have meetings here at this site each day if in person meetings don't work for you. People truly understand. Trust me there are no "new" stories when it involves alcoholism. Even if the alcoholic doesn't choose recovery, alanon recovery can really help us in coping and moving forward in a healthier way especially when there are kids involved.
As difficult as it may be, time may be the answer ... just waiting things out a bit more. Sending prayers to you and your family. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I am sorry to hear your pain Trying hard. This is indeed the disease in action.
Please keep the focus on yourself, know what you need and want , stay detached and keep coming back. I believe the original negotiation was a positve solution to the issues
Sending thoughts and prayers your way. This disease is a beast; I agree with a previous post-er who said to try and separate woman from disease. Mostly take care of and focus on yourself and daughter. We're all here with you.
Im sorry, I suggest getting to as many meetings as you can, get some phone numbers and take all the support you can get. You and your daughter are worth much more, you are entitled to a peaceful life. X
Alcoholism sucks. Keep getting education on it and going to Alanon meetings. You can't expect her to keep ANY promise while she is active.
I certainly understand how you can feel tricked by AW. she will tell you anything to help her drink and to assuage her guilt. And that doesn't even mean that she doesn't have good intentions when she promised it. But the A keeps her from following through.
Okay Trying...time to readjust the expectations...glue the delusion into the picture so that you see it right. Your AW is displaying the delusion that comes with the disease and she isn't just doing it with you...she's doing it with everyone including the partner she is with now. I use to just let it go because I was very powerless over that part of it also. Locating my own delusions helped me to take care of my part in the disease...delusion is evidence of illness...she ain't bad...she's sick. Watch your reactions around your daughter and if you have phone numbers of members in the fellowship...call some one and talk it out. If you remember other males who have time in recovery...call them. You don't have to go crazy on her lead. Serenity prayer and 1st part of the 1st step helped me alot. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Hugs, you have already gotten some amazing esh .. alcoholism is a confusing disease that defies logic. I remember trying to make sense out of nonsense in the early days that my stbax left. He wanted his cake and to eat it as well. I started placing boundaries, not falling into traps that he set. The best thing I have heard during that time was listen with your eyes not your ears. How do I know an active A is lying their lips are moving. That may seem unfair .. it keeps the reality of what I'm dealing with real. I can keep my expectations low and it keeps me from setting myself up for disappointment. Hugs keep coming back.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I feel set up but that pales with the fury I have over our daughter waiting for her to come home. If she doesn't drag her butt home tonight I'm done she will no opportunity to set my kid up for a let down. This is my fault I felt so good with her coming home I dropped my guard and let her in and let her get to our kids hopes. I hate myself for letting that happen. But I hate her more. Not my kid no not my kid. Kick me as hard as you want but not her, not my kid.
Dear friend: "She" isn't doing this to you or to the child. The disease is. Hate the disease. Love the person with it. It is easy to confuse the two. Your daughter will pick up on your rage. You can't mask it. You can explain to yourself and to your daughter that she is very, very sick right now. As angry as you are feeling and I can certainly understand it, maybe it would be better if she didn't come for awhile? The only person you have control over right now is you and you are hurting. Stay with us. Go to Al-Anon meetings. My grandmother had a drinking problem or was an alcoholic. I can remember knowing as a very little girl who loved her grandmother very much that there were times she was sick and she couldn't help it. Nobody told me that. I just knew it as a child. If anybody had put my grandma down or yelled at her or demanded something of her she couldn't give at the time, I would have felt defensive towards my grandmother and not trusted the person yelling at her or demanding what she couldn't give. Keep coming back. We understand and we're here for you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 5th of January 2014 10:53:25 PM
so hard trying .. i agree with these .. -what jumps the most is boundaries .. boundaries can be flexible and are for me .. they aren't rigid and stiff like walls .. what I see is we teach people how to treat us .. teaching her it's ok to come and go even though she cannot live with us in the moment ? -it's ok to say .. sorry this isn't working for us .. sounds like this only works when it's convenient for you .. this was a hard thing for me to see .. how much i was allowing and tollerating harmful as in damaging behavior .. i was so hurt .. feelings, mindset you name it .. but not as in boohoo you hurt my feelings .. more as in you hurt me as in my feelings mindset emotions, etc .. were being damaged .. -if it's good for us it's good for them too .. allowing the other to feel the effects of their behavior is ok.. took me a long time to see that what's in ours and their best interest isn't always going to be what -makes us . them 'feel the happiest .. or worst .. nothing .. keep coming and sharing .. hard to heal resentments when the behaviors happens over and over .. sorry loses so much meaning .. this is why even in the steps, we don't make an amends until the 9th step .. only after we gain new understanding of our behavior and it has been changed .. sorry has meaning then .. before ? it's more of -a manipulation tactic .. using words to get others to do what we want them to .. it's a play on our feelings sometimes .. what makes me feel the worst is to allow the behavior and feel the strip of my own dignity, self worth, respect, esteem, etc .. keep coming and sharing ..
Your anger may be the emotion that will protect you at the moment. I would use it during this crisis. This is unacceptable behaviour that alanon asks you not to accept. By not accepting it you are protecting yourself and your daughter and your wife gets the natural consequences of her actions. Keep coming back.x
Here's my understanding of anger .. I like what el-cee had to say. There are 2 things that motivate me for change, .. pain and the secondary emotion anger. I have needed anger at times to push me through situations that are extremely unreasonable. It does help me set boundaries in the moment to protect myself and the kids. It will come in waves and I choose not to let it overwhelm me because it's an exhausting emotion as well. So much I have heard stop being angry because it has made others feel uncomfortable with the unreasonable situation. That honestly ticks me off more .. my journey, sorry if it doesn't fit with others comfort zones. When I allow the anger to flow over me without having or being shamed or feeling like there is something wrong with me for being angry at a very reasonable thing to be angry at .. my anger can be used in very positive ways. I've been told I'm better than the KGB by an ex-KGB person lol. I take that as a compliment. Anyway, use your anger for you and then I encourage you to let it go. You will know when you're ready .. and it will get easier. This IS an unreasonable situation and I'm a firm believer that kids come first. They have no choice and no voice in the situations we place ourselves in with the A's in our lives. Never interact with the anger .. that is unproductive and I do more harm than good to myself. Hugs keep coming back.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm struggling to have trust in what my AH says and he's trying to work a program. I know how painful it is when that person brings you up to drop you down again. At least you can take the knowledge that she is full-blown in her disease, which is not something to be trusted. You are powerless over the alcohol and the disease process it wrecks in an alcoholic. The best you can do is take care of your daughter, wait until your AW has some time in sobriety until you believe anything, and I mean ANYTHING she says. Promises mean nothing to an active alcoholic, and as I can attest, to a struggling to survive alcoholic. No matter what she says, if she's still drinking, it's not gonna help. The alcohol will always win. Always. (((Hugs)))
