The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is slogan_Jim and I am grateful member of al-anon.
I have noticed something about me that is related to someone's drinking and I want to address it. I have an old friend that I have stopped talking to because I feel I can read all the patterns and they resemble strongly those of my father. I cut this guy out of my life because I felt I couldn't take him anymore. I thought he was a liar, I thought he was condescending toward me, I thought he made fun of me for things that are completely out of our control. He really hurt me. His marriage was eerily similar to my parents. Arguing in public, distance, he spends a lot of his time at a local watering hole. They both then tried to convince the world that everything was ok but I found it came off as very fake. There were many inconsistencies and continue to be some today.
Now, it became a two-way street. I became sarcastic, arrogant, controlling and began to beat myself up. I decided this was not a healthy friendship.
I've brought this story up before. One day, a year ago, we were at a bar, I recall looking at the group of people standing at the bar looking at the TV's behind in awe as awful karaoke was happening in the background. I told another friend he needed to drive me home, and he did. I have spoken to that group once since.
My issue is I still get angry about this at a pace that I feel is regularly. More than I'd like, anyway. I'll peek at his profile on facebook, I'll re-hash moments that make me want to punch him and a part of me is driven by showing him up and proving that I was right all along and that his life is a train wreck and I am doing great.
I can't get over this, because part of me feels that I can't trust my instincts and that I am the one that is wrong and being selfish and immature. I want to let go and let god but I can't seem to.
I was like this with a friend of mine and I was jealous she had a great husband and kids, great childhood (from my judgmental stand point at the time), but wasn't in my mind appreciating it. Here I was with a man that was an alcoholic and her husband was amazing and seemed very healthy to me, was willing to go places with her and watch kids and seemed to be there for her. When I did my steps I saw a lot of my errors, jealousy, not being fair to her, because I was busy comparing us which never works out for anyone, and although I let the friendship go it was more my unhealthiness that was the problem. She seemed to accept me and all my complaining, but I never really believed she had a right to complain, totally unfair on my part. Not sure if this helps you, but it reminded me of my past friendship and felt I should share. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
A friend, no matter how old, doesn't seem as if he warrants quite that level of intensity, so I bet you're right that it's really about your relationship with your father and family, and the friend is just a stand-in for those things. When someone who behaves like my family comes into my life, I do get a reaction like, "Not AGAIN?!" Like it's adding insult to injury. Stands to reason that these things would push our buttons. A wise therapist once told me the pain lessens when we make our lives good. Of course, to make our lives good, we have to stop staring at the past (a specialty of mine). But working on the day-to-day in front of us is important. Sounds like you took excellent care of yourself in deciding to move on from this guy.
I was like this with a friend of mine and I was jealous she had a great husband and kids, great childhood (from my judgmental stand point at the time), but wasn't in my mind appreciating it. Here I was with a man that was an alcoholic and her husband was amazing and seemed very healthy to me, was willing to go places with her and watch kids and seemed to be there for her. When I did my steps I saw a lot of my errors, jealousy, not being fair to her, because I was busy comparing us which never works out for anyone, and although I let the friendship go it was more my unhealthiness that was the problem. She seemed to accept me and all my complaining, but I never really believed she had a right to complain, totally unfair on my part. Not sure if this helps you, but it reminded me of my past friendship and felt I should share. Sending you much love and support!
Thanks Breakingfree,
It sounds like you left a friendship that was healthy, because of your insecurities and jealousy. My friendship was most definitely not a healthy one and I am not jealous of him but aggravated and angry with him. The same feelings I had with my dad. These feelings occurred because my dad tried to play off like everything was ok when it wasn't and we were one big happy family and my 'childhood wasn't that bad' and this stuff was normal and happens in every relationship, family, workplace, etc...
My friend is a similar 'salesman' in that regard. Tries to make it look like he has everything under wraps but peel it away and he has nothing, just like my dad.
My issue is that I am questioning if my gut is wrong, even though the exact same patterns are being displayed.
I have heard we attract the same people just in different bodies, until we learn the lesson we need to learn. Whether that be to stick up for ourselves, change ourselves, or ? What is your friend urging you to learn or what can you learn from your friendship?
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
What leapt out at me on reading your share was the last couple of sentences, "I cant get over this." Indeed, this is the crux of our problem and sums up what this program is about. No we truly cant get over this. It is why we have to work the first step every minute of every day. We are powerless over this stuff and it makes our lives not just unmanageable but a "train wreck" as you aptly described it. The next line also sums up our dilemma..."part of me feels I cant trust my instincts." This is why we need an active involvement in f2f Al-Anon. WE CANT TRUST OUR INSTINCTS because we suffer from the disease of alcoholism. I suspect that you are indeed trying to work out these painful things in your family of origin and your friend and his family is just a safer stand-in for all that suffering, chaos and just plain crazy-making behavior of an alcoholic home.
But you're here so that means part of you recognizes what we have learned in alanon--we are powerless, our lives are unmanageable, we have to come to believe that some power greater than ourselves can do what we cant and then let him/her.
You my friend are coming to understand the essence of the first step. Congratulations and welcome to the club of fixers who cant fix nothin' but still persist in trying from time to time...sometimes all day, everyday for important family of origin stuff. I will never be done with some relationships but I try to turn a little more of it over every time my thinking swerves in that direction and I for one have been a back seat driver of the first order. If I keep my HP in the driver's seat I need never worry whether I'll get where I'm supposed to go! Keep sharing here and I hope you find meetings where you feel the love and friendship we are privileged to enjoy in Al-Anon.
