The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just landed in JFK. In about an hour I will be f2f with my AW. During my long flight home I had a lot of time to read posts and think about detachment and boundaries. I decided that I will need a boundary if this marraige has a chance. I will go to couples counseling. I will encourage family activities. But for me the boundary has to be that AW moves out if she insists on continuing her contact with the other woman. I am not in a place where I can watch her text and call and stay at work late and makes dates with the other woman while pretending to be married. I cannot put the work into our marriage that requires forgiveness if I am negotiating her drinking and Prozac, her major depressive disorder, her over spending, her ignoring our daughter while I deal with the constant insult of that woman in out daily lives. I'm sorry but if AW does not want to change then I have to change and I cannot do that with the constant emotional abuse. I will attend another meeting at 9am today. I will go to two f2f meeting today and tomorrow. I will go to couples therapy on Tuesday. I will go to my therapist on Wednesday. But if AW has not made the change by then I will tell her to move out. There is no point in pretending We have a marraige if she insists on violating our vows on a daily basis drinking or not.
I kind of know what your going through. About 16 years ago my SO had an affair and when I found out I was devastated. At that time we had beepers and that beeper would be going off at all hours of the day or night. I would look at it sometimes and the numbers would spell out the words " I love you ". It just made me sick and heartbroken. One day just before Christmas I took that beeper and hammer and smashed it to pieces. He was pissed. I told him to get out.
He didn't but left for CA to visit his new love. I thought I was going to die....
When he returned he did move out and for the first 6 months I could hardly get out of bed. I stalked him and tried my best to break off his relationship to no good.
I finally gave in and worked on me. I let him go and in a year I was coming back to life. I did it...I made it through...I was happy again.
The next year he was coming around again...he wanted me back. Well, 2 years later we were back together, bought a new home and all was forgiven.
Sorry to say for me....big mistake but I made the decision because at the time I loved him that much.
I wonder sometimes what my life would have been without him .....better I think....maybe I will find out someday
Prayers are with you and your daughter that you will find some peace within..
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I did that 2nd chance thingy w/my first EX....it did not work...i left..
WHY, if it didn't work the first time do people think it will work the 2nd time??? especially re: adultery??? the booze does not make a cheater a cheater.....its already in them......a cheater is a cheater.....an abuser is an abuser.......booze only diminishes the inhibitions they may have, but its already there......some stuff is just not IMO not workable, UNLESS one is in INTENSE AA or whatever recovery they need and they are sober 3 years.....Then, Maybe there is a shot
Trying, I know you want this marriage to work...I hope you are the one that beats the odds stacked against you....you seem to be a wonderful guy and i am reading lonliness and fear in your posts to make that final break.....i understand....i did the same thing....gave ex AH#1 a chance after i moved out for a few months....he woo'd me back only to fall into same patterns.....oh the promises and the begging I can still hear him campaigning to get me back....only to behave for a while an go right back....
How hard our lessons are depend on us.........there is the hard lesson of denial an there is the soft lesson of surrendering to the truth, and surrendering to love of self and preservation of self....not to mention that poor kid.....
I do wish you luck on this one......In the mean time, GOOD work, doing your program....I love the fact you are attending meets...when there, why don't you ask some of the oldies what THEY did and how THEY assessed adultery and what they saw to be the best approach...
me???? i took my Ex back becuz that he did not do to me...He never cheated...THAT I KNOW of.....my deal breakers are and will always be...
abuse (i goofed up and took an abuser back and paid the price)
adultery.....with all the sexually transmitted diseases out there..no thanks..AND it is ultimate insult to me as a woman...and biggest of all....TOTAL violation of trust and the sacrosanct status of a marriage....she PROMISED in a vow to forsake all others....at least I think they still vow that in marriage vows....to violate trust is , to me, unfixable...
abuse of substances....no brainer......will never go there again....the cost to me due to substance abuse from childhood on up , i can't even add up my losses, mentally, emotionally and financially....the cost was just too great to put a figure on it....
really, I am hopin against home that you can pull this together.....An expert told me......drinking will not cause one to do what is not already a "propensity" within them.... sooo like i said...cheaters are cheaters anyway.....abusers are abuses anyway.....and so on.......
God speed
-- Edited by neshema2 on Saturday 4th of January 2014 10:06:42 AM
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
It is suggested that we make no major changes when we first start Al-Anon for the first six months. This may not apply in your case, but I do think it is something to heed when considering making drastic changes most especially in your daughter's life. Working on ourselves can result in boundary setting that we can live with rather than boundary setting that was put in place before we were really ready to do that. Please take what you like and leave the rest. Keep on reaching out, going to meetings, working a program - most optimally with a sponsor, too.
If I had my time over again the most valuable thing I would want to remember is to protect my own self respect, and then to respect the choices of others. I did not understand how much damage my relationship was doing to my self esteem when AH had his affair. At the time I thought that I was doing the right thing trying to protect 'us'. With hindsight I've learnt that I was laying the foundations for later resentment and distrust - and I'm having a horrible time trying to get rid of those ghastly feelings.
This is just my experience so it may not apply to your situation. I think it is great that you are doing lots of meetings and taking care of yourself.
I know where you are. Besides al anon and working with a sponsor, I was given some wise counsel from an addiction counselor whom I saw on a weekly basis. One day in my confusion of whether to stay or leave, she looked at me and said "you are not strong enough to leave". This was a blow to me, because my pride was telling me I was 10 feet tall and bulletproof, but the wise part of me knew her words to be true. I listened and followed the remainder of her counsel. She told me to set a goal as to when I would reevaluate whether to leave or not. Then make a list of behaviors I would not tolerate and a list of behaviors I needed and wanted in a relationship. I did it all and kept the paper in my purse so I would have the constant reminder. I continued working my program, setting my boundaries, living my life etc. Then one day it was crystal clear as to what my choice would be...no ultimatums, no explaining, no fear....I knew what I wanted and there was absolutely no consideration as to how my husbands life would be affected. This was a very cool awakening for me and it was mine. Others experiences are different and yours will be as well. Do your work; take what you like and leave the rest. A big hug from frigid Michigan.
Dear Trying, I do hope that you are seeing that all of us are giving OUR take and what WE did, felt, experienced....
In NO way does anyone have the right to tell you what to do...
I liked what Paula said about her therapist saying she wasn't strong enough to leave....working your program will help you become strong enough to leave/stay/ whatever YOU decide is best....
I am very upfront about my not advocating staying w/ active alcoholics or cheaters or beaters....I just know that for ME and I am only saying MY experiences....staying with any of te behaviours i mentioned just chipped away at my self esteem, my trust, it hurt my relationship with my HP, because I had no program.....I had to save my own ass and get out
now??? with program??? I wont' even "go there" if i see red flags on a person because i know that it will be an uphill struggle.....even if they are in a program, I would be gunshy because many of them relapse and its back to the uphill grind.....I just won't go there....I have some fantastic friends who are recovering alcoholics.....1 a male , sober 20 years, and i love him to death...i pray ea. day he stays sober.......my sponsor and best friend of all...30 years sober, i would walk over hot coals for her....my dearest and best friend.....each day she is sober is a celebration for me and others who love her.....
but to marry or live with an alkie??? For me, I am just too burned out by the monumental cost, growing up with drinkers, marrying drinkers has done to me.....I am burned out by their chaos and drama (Talking about the NOT in recovery drinkers) and manipulating...I dn't have to walk on egg shells anymore...in fact i have come to "hate" that word...."egg shells" because i walked on em so many times.....i can come home, to quiet...peace....no more drama and chaos, no more having to "watch myself" I am hyper alert to this day b/c of the drinkers and their damage on me....I know I will NEVER completely recover from all the damage done to me, but i am gonna try...i am gonna fight the good fight for me....
you gotta do what you gotta do....I would never try and legislate your feelings, your decisions, your future....It is NOT my business or right.....
I give my "tough" ESH because i have been there...doen that when it comes to drinkers and other screwed up people....I have even been in the face of stone evil who enjoyed destroying lives and cared NOT until the day the demons took his miserable soul, he cared NOT for what he did., the death and destruction he caused....my coming to believe in a God has given me assurance that we ALL pay for the darkness we do...we are rewarded for the love/service we do....we dont' escape karma......that knowledge has helped me move on with my life....to 4give the forgivable ones and cut loose in my head the darkness, and to try and make the best of my life moving forward
whatever you do, i know you will do with thought and careful consideration.....I do know that the spouse who is in recovery and is with one who needs it and refuses (from the meets i attended) usually ends up growing up and away from all the darkness and dysfunction and they grow up and move on.....and hopefully they don't carry a bunch of hate and resentment with them as they walked...the many ones i chatted with were, for the most part, able to, thanks to programme, let go of the hate and resentment and just move on, lessons learned and they become waaay more cautious whom they let in their lives.....
JUST my take based on ME....take what you can use and dump the rest
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
What I didn't make clear, is, with your continued recovery, you will KNOW what to do and when. Have faith and trust that you will make the best choices for you at the time they need to be made. I used to get way too caught up in doing things "right". And there are creative solutions to any conflict.
What I didn't make clear, is, with your continued recovery, you will KNOW what to do and when. Have faith and trust that you will make the best choices for you at the time they need to be made. I used to get way too caught up in doing things "right". And there are creative solutions to any conflict.
I so agree...with continued work, the answers will come b/c you will be MORE intuned and insync with your higher power......just surrender to the program and your HP and you will know what to do and when to do it........I, too got caught up in doing things "right" as Paula so openly and wisely said...that was me too....and amen to the "creative solutions"....there is no cookie cutter way of taking care of oneself....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
