The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Happy New year. I say that with just a twinge of sarcasm. Just a twinge. I suppose I always hang on to a little bit of hope the my AH finally realizes that he needs to take action. I imagine that he is letting his denial cloud how crappy this disease is, which makes it easier to postpone his recovery. Well, that and a million other things. Well for what ever reason - it is still the same. Happy new year's day, which I spent alone. Actually he annoyed me so bad this morning (in a funny way) that I was glad for him to leave lol, but it is still a bit disappointing that he never came home. At least he texted me. Which is more than he used to do. (not that that makes it okay, cause it changes nothing). I also kinda don't really care anymore, not like I used to. Thanks to the program! But Its still lame. But its not going to affect my day.
HOPE for ME for TODAY (and every day). I have begun to decrease the amount of hope that I hold towards his recovery. I don't mean that in a sarcastic or sad way, its actually really a good thing. Now that I have come to grips with no longer counting on him, I realize that I have CHOICES. Choices that involve ME and my personal happiness. For now I suppose i am content with this "friendship". I have set myself some boundaries and no longer take his crap. (well maybe sometimes when i am tired lol). I have found that the more I speak my mind, the more he gets used to it, and the more he backs off. My point is I am much better able to handle my daily interactions with him, which for the most part are quite pleasant. But He really isn't much of a husband. Since I am used to that I don't really see that much is missing, but HERE is where the choices come in. I have HOPE in ME. I can HOPE for beautiful things to happening my life. I realize now that I can embrace things that make ME happy. If I can maintain a state of happiness and fulfillment with my soulmate as my friend - Wonderful. If things start going downhill, God forbid. I can make better choices. But for TODAY I am content with MY life. Sure It could be better, but my HOPE is not in changing him to make it better. My HOPE is in knowing that I have the ability to change what *I* do. And , thanks to the program, I believe I will have the STRENGTH to make those changes when the times comes, whether that be the tiniest attitude change or a life change. Let me not forget God in this....for without HIM, I would have no peace, no contentment, no guide, no constant companion. Perhaps that is the biggest change in my life, my spiritual journey. Luckily this is as much a spiritual program as anything else.
There is HOPE for each of us, every moment of every day. Hope in OURSELVES.
Many hugs and blessing to each of you as you try to find your own hope for today.
I have HOPE in ME. I can HOPE for beautiful things to happening my life. I realize now that I can embrace things that make ME happy. If I can maintain a state of happiness and fulfillment with my soulmate as my friend - Wonderful. If things start going downhill, God forbid. I can make better choices. But for TODAY I am content with MY life. Sure It could be better, but my HOPE is not in changing him to make it better. My HOPE is in knowing that I have the ability to change what *I* do. And , thanks to the program, I believe I will have the STRENGTH to make those changes when the times comes, whether that be the tiniest attitude change or a life change. Let me not forget God in this....for without HIM, I would have no peace, no contentment, no guide, no constant companion. Perhaps that is the biggest change in my life, my spiritual journey. Luckily this is as much a spiritual program as anything else.
There is HOPE for each of us, every moment of every day. Hope in OURSELVES.
Many hugs and blessing to each of you as you try to find your own hope for today.
Thank you Sadsusie
A very powerful awarenesss and share. Sounds as if you have decided to work with HP to make this New Year special .
Along with turning my will over to HP each day, I have chosen this paragraph from the "Just for Today Bookmark for my New Years resolution,
JUST FOR TODAY I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to do just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Good post, sad suzie. I have shed buckets of tears coming to the same conclusion..... acceptance. Todays c2c is all about "expectations". To expect a loving spouse to comfort and hold us when we are afraid......while these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved ones, that have let us down. This is a hard concept to swallow. But it is so true. We have choices, like you say. My choice is to use my spouse for those things that he can deliver and look to my friends in the group for those other things that I need. I cant go to the hardware store for bread. It just isnt there.
Happy for you that you are entering the new year with hope...maybe you can change your name to hopeful Susie? Sad does not appear to define you on most days?
Great post Susie. I can totally relate. I am starting out this New Year in a similar fashion. My AH just doesn't get where he is at in the disease process. I am having a hard time processing him, and so I am working on me, this year. Thank you for your post. It helps me and this board has been amazing in the help I get. Every day I find something, or someone with a situation that helps me in my own. So, thank you for your strength, it encourages me. I know its hard and a process for you, but I just wanted to let you know your post of it has helped another. :)
Great share, lots of awareness and acceptance, you are taking care of yourself despite what he does. There is one word you used which I think may be keeping you locked in though, the word 'soulmate' I dont really get that concept, to me it sounds like you have no choice, he is the one so therefore this is it. I could be wrong, I know people can feel really strongly for their partners and maybe your love is something more than I have ever experienced. I do remember thinking my ex was my soulmate but only for fleeting moments, deep down I knew the opposite, he was an alcoholic who was incapable of the kind of love that I wanted or needed. Thats my experience though. How does it make you feel when he stays out all night? For me, my self esteem would suffer as a result, unless, there was an agreement between you like I have with my son, if he drinks then he cant come in all night. Take care susie.x
