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I have been checking in here off and on for over a year and I've made a few posts. My husband is a binge drinker and can go long periods of time without drinking. This makes it very easy for me to be lulled into a false sense if security. I decided quite a while back ago that I needed the support of Alanon and should start attending meetings. I wanted to be honest and tell my husband what I was doing. I had a very hard time getting the courage to go and tell him. Everyone here has helped a lot.
Last night I finally told him. I just said I would like to start going to Alanon meetings. I think they would help me. He just said OK. Then after a long period of silence and thought he said he would stop drinking because he didn't want me to have the stress. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to act too happy about it because I don't want him to feel guilty if he doesn't stick with it. So, I just said I'm not telling you what to do.
This is the first time he hasn't acted like his drinking is normal or that I am the one with a problem because everything stresses me out. I realize he may be making promises he is not capable of keeping and I also realize he might think this is a way to stop me from attending meetings. If I go to meetings that is acknowledging the big white elephant in the room!
So I am trying not to think to much about what he said and keep focused on my plan to help myself. I know I have to go to this meeting so he will know I mean what I say. I am still REALLY nervous about it. I'm also a little nervous that when it's time for me to walk out the door he will be surprised because he will think there is no need since he said he will stop. If that happens I plan to tell him he is not the only one whose drinking is a part of my life. I could use some encouragement to keep me from chickening out.
-- Edited by In The Forest on Thursday 2nd of January 2014 03:10:14 AM
Hi and welcome back, you will find plenty of support and encouragement on here, I have so far.
I am in a pretty similar situation and have recently told my ABF that I am planning on starting to attend meetings, I can only describe the look on his face as pure hurt, not sure if that is because he is ashamed of what his binge drinking is causing or if it is because he sorry and wants to try and stop drinking.
Either way I will still be going!
I cannot and will not tell you what you should do, I can only hope that you will make the right choice for you (as I must).
If my ABF decides to put up a fight about me attending a meeting then I will just deal with it when I get back, I am only just realising that it is me that needs the help, and no promises from him to change will alter anything, this is not about him anymore, it is about me and how I intend to cope in the future.
Stay strong and do what you feel you need to, If he does plan on changing then with the help of the meetings you will both be better people at the end of it all.
I will keep my fingers crossed that all goes well and expect you to do the same for me, hehe ;)
This group has helped me more in a couple of days than all the well meaning advice from people that do not understand in the last few years!
They are a good bunch, stick with them, I certainly will be doing :)
Hugs and best wishes xx
I love the title of your post and it is such a wonderful thing when we find the courage and then follow through with it - I hope that you get the same feelings (and more!) that I did when I first went to a face to face alanon meeting - there is so much to learn from meeting other people who have similar experiences to our own. I remember I was quite fearful when I first walked through the door. I think it is a brave thing when we recognise that we need the help of others and reach out. For me the rewards were empowering and I hope that you will let us know how you get on.
Hopingfor - that is a lovely quote that you have on your picture, thank you.
Hugs and I hope regardless of what he does it doesn't do you will attend the meetings. It's such a great help and support during crazy times of the not drinking. I can sui relate to what you said about being lulled into a sense of security about the drinking. It's so good to reach out! Hugs s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Oh In The Forest, I can so relate. The A that I worry so about is also a binge drinker. He can go months, and even a year or so without alcohol, and then something "clicks", he buys a bottle of vodka, and I am off in another bad dream. The main problem with dealing with a binge drinker is that we never know how we will find them; We can go to the grocery store and come home to a drunk. He can go to the hardware store and be drunk when he gets back. I have driven his car at times, not knowing it contained an open container of liquor. But enough about me.
I just wanted you to know, I understand exactly where you are coming from. Take care of yourself. That's what is important, but then you already know that. I wish I could reach out and hug you. May peace be with you.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I applaud the going to meetings. It does sound like you are going some for him and with the hope it will stop his drinking and also are worried about him feeling guilt "if" this or that...or whatever. I will say that does sound codependent but it's okay because being with an alcoholic will do that to you and it's normal for where you are at.
You stated you didn't want to act happy because you didn't want him to feel guilty in the imagined future if he doesn't succeed at sobriety (when he has no plan of his own to go to meetings and just said "I'll stop.")
So with that statement, you made your happiness contingent upon him, came up with a reason to not be happy in the present, based on his likely failure in the future. That way of thinking hurts you.
He SHOULD feel kind of guilty if he doesn't succeed with this. Why should he not feel bad for not sticking to his word? In other words - you don't need to act any particular way out of fear of his alcoholism. Keep handing his disease back to him and stop owning it by modifying your behavior to suit his disease.
Hit those meetings and you will grow and learn tons!
When I told my husband and son that I was going to Al anon meetings they really did not want me to go. Then hubby just assumed I was going because of my son and not him. Well son has moved far away and I am still going and I think that my husband finally GOT it! He thinks that he can have the 'occasional' drink with the guys. And the 'occasional ' drink becomes a whole lot of alcohol which he tries to hide. He really wanted to know what I said at the meetings and I told him that it was private. He said that he did not want our personal business to be broadcasted around the neighborhood. I just said that I had to go for me, I had to become better at sticking to boundaries and following through no matter what. I also said that he was grown man and would and could do what he wanted.
He has not had a drink since that conversation that I know of. He does not appear inebriated in any way since then. He seems to have made up his mind that I mean what I am saying and that I will not live with a binge drinker. I will still love him but I will leave him. And he finally gets that because.... well because he knows that I have grown in my resolve thanks to meetings and reading. And this after almost forty years of marriage. Feels good to be honest.
Alanon is a program that has been designed to help people who have lived with the disease of alcoholism. It was developed by "Lois Wilson, the wife of the Founder of AA, AFTER he had become sober. We do not meet to talk about the alcoholic we connect in order to learn how to respond and not react.
The main focus of the alanon program is to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the 12 Steps of AA ourselves and in so doing we rediscover our own selves, ( which was lost in the alcohol struggle] We break the isolation caused by living in the disease, learn how to live one day at a time , focused on our own needs, and trusting a Higher Power.
Please give yourself the gift that this program has given me, the courage, serenity and wisdom to walk out of the forest into the light.
Keep coming back
.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 2nd of January 2014 09:32:10 AM
If you dont take care of yourself, who will? Dont make your happiness contingent on his actions or inactions. He may not like it.... mine still doesnt like it after 13 years, but it isnt about him.
take care of yourself.
Opting to go to meetings regardless of how it affected my husband, and, believe me, he did not like it, was an act of courage and self love. That was over 20 years ago with a bit of a lapse in between (not a suggested route to take). I fooled myself into thinking because he cut back on his drinking all was well. It was not the intake of alcohol that was the problem it was his stinking thinking! So, when I was almost completely burned out and used up, I crawled back to al anon maybe 9 years ago (linear time is not my strong suit) and have stayed with the program...it was my HP that guided me back. It sounds like your HP wants to take the reigns....let your HP do this for you. Keep coming back
Great work In the Forest. I struggled with going to Al anon for a long time, because I felt that it was his deal, not mine. Out of desperation I have turned to Al anon and now I am so grateful to everyone on these boards and at the meetings. It is amazing how the experience, strength and hope gives you exactly that. I am still waiting for the Miracles of the program to come, but I believe it is because I have been waiting still for him to change. I am focusing on me this time and your post helps. Thank you. Keep going to meetings and this board. It is so helpful.
I also have to say that I love the quote in your picture Hopingfor! Really nice.
I set myself up for failure when i do something in the hopes of changing or manipulating another to do what "i want" or I "think what is best for him/her"
that is codependency........setting ME aside becuz i am thinking of them...wanting them to change
now i live for me....NO expectations of any other....just doing this for me, about me, and to help me....
everything i am doing now in my life has one objective-----healing, discovering and loving and caring for ME.....this is MY life to live..and i have to live it ONLY for me....
others will have to work out their own stuff on their own......I am powerless over all things but changing my thinking
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I applaud the going to meetings. It does sound like you are going some for him and with the hope it will stop his drinking and also are worried about him feeling guilt "if" this or that...or whatever. I will say that does sound codependent but it's okay because being with an alcoholic will do that to you and it's normal for where you are at.
You stated you didn't want to act happy because you didn't want him to feel guilty in the imagined future if he doesn't succeed at sobriety (when he has no plan of his own to go to meetings and just said "I'll stop.")
So with that statement, you made your happiness contingent upon him, came up with a reason to not be happy in the present, based on his likely failure in the future. That way of thinking hurts you.
He SHOULD feel kind of guilty if he doesn't succeed with this. Why should he not feel bad for not sticking to his word? In other words - you don't need to act any particular way out of fear of his alcoholism. Keep handing his disease back to him and stop owning it by modifying your behavior to suit his disease.
Hit those meetings and you will grow and learn tons!
Thank you everyone for the support! It is what has helped me get to this point. Pinkchip, your wisdom has often helped me in the past so I have very carefully read this and thought about what you've said. I don't think I am going to meetings for him. I have made my self sick (literally) over the holidays due to fear and anxiety related to drinking. I know I can't go on this way and I don't want to go on this way. I'm tired of it and I need help. I don't want to live my life being scared. (It feels good just to type that!) I know I can't make him stop drinking which is why I know I have to help myself. The only thing I can control is me! Of course, I have thoughts like others here thinking if he loved me he would stop for me. But, I know why that is not possible and I am understanding it more everyday. I know I need to get myself healthy. And, I think me being healthy is one of the keys to us having a healthy relationship. So, in that sense it is for him.
I certainly agree with you that my emotions are often contingent on him. I don't like that. I can be having a great day and then drinking comes into the picture and my mood can change on a dime. Thank you for drawing my attention to the comment I made about not wanting to appear too happy. I was so surprised by his statement I wasn't sure how to respond. I have read the Toby Rice Drews book and realized my behavior certainly has the potential to play a part in the cycle of things. I just reread a section about the alcoholic feeling guilty when they promise not to drink and then they drink and this plummets them into a cycle of more drinking. That is what I had in my mind when I was considering how to respond. But, thank you for drawing to my attention to the fact that my response is still based on him which is not healthy. I'm finding the concept of detaching very difficult. I guess right now I'm trying to fake it until I make it! Thank you for your insight. You have given me some things to think about and be aware of.
-- Edited by In The Forest on Thursday 2nd of January 2014 11:54:08 AM
The hardest part for me was walking those Al-anon doors for the first time. It is scary and intimidating. I had fears that my perfect life I portrayed was going to be outed to the chaos it truly was. I walked into a room of open arms with no judgement. I felt like I was in a safe place and I can speak without fear. I found a place of peace and serenity. For the first month of meetings I cried, I'm not sure anyone in the room could understand a word I said, but the others in the group were so compassionate with me. I truly owe my groups a huge Thank You as I think they have saved me for the sorrow and self pity I had for myself. Slowly, I have learned to like myself better, put my self first (sometimes) and be more open. I'm still a work in progress, but I am trusting people more, which is one of my character defects - I'm very mistrusting and paranoid. Today I am so glad I made the decision to go to Al-anon. Every meeting I am able to learn something new and use it in my life. I walk out of those doors with complete serenity and hope for a better future. I'm glad to hear that you have made the decision to attend Al-anon f2f meetings and I hope they will help you the way they have helped me. My life is still in chaos, but I feel better and I like me more and more each day. Keep coming back it works!
Hi In the Forest, Im so glad you got that courage, this is the start of an amazing journey where you will get tools to live your life for you and no one else, its freedom. You have the right to a good life just like anyone else and stepping out that door tonight and finding a seat that has been waiting on you is the first step. Alanon, is a program for you, you don't need his approval, I can understand that feeling of not wanting to offend him or upset him, I used to live like that too. Please let us know how your first meeting went.x
I will report back. Unfortunately the next meeting isn't until Sunday. There are only meetings here on Sunday and Wednesday at noon when I'm at work. So, I have to wait and stay brave until then.
Well, we are expecting a huge winter storm Sunday and some of the worst winter weather in 20 years. There is a pretty good chance the weather will prevent me from attending the meeting....if it isn't cancelled due to weather. :( I am feeling ready to do this. I'm scared but ready.
). I fooled myself into thinking because he cut back on his drinking all was well. It was not the intake of alcohol that was the problem it was his stinking thinking! So, when I was almost completely burned out and used up, I crawled back to al anon maybe 9 years ago (linear time is not my strong suit) and have stayed with the program...it was my HP that guided me back. It sounds like your HP wants to take the reigns....let your HP do this for you. Keep coming back