The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is slogan_Jim and I am grateful member of al-anon.
I am concerned.
Over the holidays I have had some issues with isolation arise that have had me questioning what this is really about. I am turning down social functions for other social functions or not doing anything at all but I have justifications for them.
-Al-anon friends invited me to their house on Dec 26th. I know the mother and daughter from al-anon. It would have been their entire extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins)...me and the daughter are not dating, we're just friends. It felt very intimidating. I have never met any of them. I would have felt weird.
-Last night I went out for new years. We did some bar-hopping around town. I enjoyed myself, but our age is starting to show lol. We were some of the oldest in most places we went. I felt like I am over this and ready for something new. I did very little drinking, if any. After the ball dropped, I just wanted to get to bed.
-Today, similar situation as the first. I was invited to a New Years day get together by a male friend with all his extended family. I have met them though, several times. Again, because they aren't my family I feel very awkward.
I don't know what to do. What is this? I still go to meetings, go to work, go to rec ball hockey....I am starting to feel like an old man. How will I meet new people if I don't put myself in situations to meet these people? I think that part of me thinks that I won't meet new people in those situations and that's why to me it seems so bleh.....I know what I'm looking for and I feel like I know where it won't be because it hasn't been there before.
I don't like this feeling of giving up. It's not something I do. But, I am tired of getting my hopes up only to be disapointed. My alcoholic father was very good at that.
How do I get my hope back? What do you do when you feel you've tried everything and nothing works? I feel like I have given up and I don't like that feeling.
I do understand and have been there. My alanon friends gave me a desk sign that read "80% of life is "just showing up". I followed that "slogan" for a year and was amazed.
It is all a process so please "Keep showing up"
I pray that 2014 brings you Peace.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 1st of January 2014 01:13:19 PM
Hi Jim, Happy 2014! I too was invited to a couple of places for Christmas, gracefully declined for my own reasons. I too know what I'm looking for and where I definitely won't find it so I can relate there. I have friends who kid me about texting boyfriends, who am I dating, seeing anyone interesting, get back on the horse, etc. It makes me chuckle because I know that I COULD have someone in my life, I think they feel sorry for me because I don't, but they don't know what I know, that being alone is better than being with the wrong person and as my daughter says, I'm fishing in a pretty small pond. (I'm not really fishing either but that's beside the point). Instead of going to places I don't like to meet someone, I prefer to live my life and if someone comes along that meets certain requirements great, if they don't, hey, I'm good alone too. It took a lot of tears and pain with the wrong person to realize that its ok to be good alone. Of course I'm at a different time in my life than you.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I would feel equally strange about hanging out at what sounds like family parties and only knowing one or two people? Maybe these weren't the right events for you, and you tuned in to yourself and your needs and decided to stay home. But it sounds like you wish you could have gotten yourself to go. Only you know what is right for you. Maybe these parties weren't it. Maybe there is a book club or church group or yoga class or hiking club that would be more your thing. Or, if you are deciding to stay home you want to feel good about it, make a nice time for yourself with a snack and a movie or whatever your thing is, and enjoy yourself! Rather than feeling sad about it.
Years ago I found myself isolating due to some depression and social anxiety. Unfortunately the cure for our fear is to do what we fear. The way out is through! No one wants to hear that, right!? Just awful! ;) I made a rule for myself that was called, "say yes to everything". I did this for a good couple of years. It was so immensely helpful. It decreased my anxiety greatly over time. Even if it was somewhere or some thing that didn't sound "perfect" to me, I tried to think of it as just practice!
You mention getting your hopes up and getting disappointed. This was the story of my whole childhood. To cope, I decided never to get my hopes up in anything. I lost faith in everyone and everything. This was depressing. :( Now, I work hard to go into situations with no expectations and remind myself that whatever needs to happen will happen. If something positive happens, then great! If something happens that ruffles my feathers, upsets me, etc, then this is a messenger to me to work more deeply within myself on that particular issue.
Oh boy! what a topic... yes... my answer is to stay in the present, or in the recent past... I used to live locked up in the past- which is really being locked up in the mind, because the past is but a memory. I still beat myself up sometimes- because I am not perfect enough. I like Betty's new picture. She was here, on this board, well before me. I respect her enormously. Sometimes I do say stuff from me- and I do expect her to respect that. If she had something to say to me I would listen- listen up good.
With you- its about growing- growing in trust... learning to listen, and reflect.
The feeling of isolation does change with time- but it does take time, and practise. Every time we share we have a lot to offer. Some of that offering is to ourselves. So by learning to listen to others we begin to listen to ourselves as well. To hear the messages. No one else can do this for us.
I am 63 this month- I do enjoy meeting new people. Last month I met some people online, people I went to school with right from the beginning... we shared memories... it was sweet! So sometimes I try to move back to the centre- and get to know people I already know better.
It is not one thing only... learning to trust will rub off from one thing to another. Having the guts to share is a great step!
Hi, SJ: I don't like parties or gatherings at Christmas or New Year's. I don't isolate but I do honor my introverted nature. I put a lot of energy into being with new people on work days. I don't want to spend my off days expending that same energy with new people, too. I am concerned that I'm isolating when mentally and emotionally I'm thinking and therefore feeling negatively. That's when I know its time to get out if only to go to a grocery store, but its still not the time for me to hang out with a large group of people I don't know. I'd rather stay home and call a friend, putter around the house, get on this board, take a ride, or visit the local drugstore or grocery store so that I'm with people without being in a "social situation" that is more intimate.
Happy New Year Jim!! Good memory post for me...regarding the lesson of "Don't Project". Projecting doom, gloom, loss, what's the use was once a habit of mine until I changed it with the slogan "Don't Project". I stopped fortune telling and stayed in the moment and dropped the emotion of fear as a default emotion. Sounds like you've kinda sorta at times convinced yourself that you're likeable, acceptable, good enough... Gotta change attitudes...perceptions and practice "acting as if" the opposite is true. Maybe some depression homework would help also...moving you away from the "feeling stuck" impression. You can do it. Start looking for the "good" stuff.
I sometimes have these types of feelings; over the years, I forced myself away from isolation and out of my comfort zone. I have come to welcome and be grateful when other's think of me and I look forward to showing up to inviting people. When my energy level is higher, I'm more likely to step out or be out later; when it's low and I'm overwhelmed, I tend to isolate and have to work harder at not falling into a rut. I started volunteering for an hour most mornings and it sets a nice routine for my day.
I do understand and have been there. My alanon friends gave me a desk sign that read "80% of life is "just showing up". I followed that "slogan" for a year and was amazed.
It is all a process so please "Keep showing up"
I pray that 2014 brings you Peace.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 1st of January 2014 01:13:19 PM
I agree with Betty...."showing" up for life...meets....step work w/sponsor....practicing slogans...like what Jerry said "don't project" toss the crystal ball and stay in the present.......peace
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
DavidG.