The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just want to make it clear.. !!! Financially I am ok.. I have a great job and the time to take off. My daughter by far is not being neglected.. I have an amazing husband that stands by me to get me up when I fall..Yes I'm depressed about my son and his choices. It's normal. I have never been in this situation before. I do not come from a family that has ever abused me, abused drug or abused alcohol.. I have my parents with me still alive in there late 70's that are by my side to build my strength. I have amazing in-laws that are there for me when I need them. I have very little friends because I chose that. I had a sponsor that is to busy to be a sponsor any more. I have one solid face to face meeting that I go to faithfully but unfortunately it's only one a week. Yes I have met others that I do reach out to in the program, but some have been to busy to meet up due to the holidays. I am a great mother to my daughter I am a great wife and I am doing my best to deal with my sons situation. Yes I know the slogans. But this is so new to me that nobody around me knows how to help because I did come from a great family and we never had to experience any of this.. No !! I am not going crazy nor am I needing mental health. Do I have meds already yes, but I do not depend on them to fix my feelings that I naturally feel.. I feel that I have been so judged over me sharing my feelings, because I thought this was a safe place to come too.
I am so sorry if you are hurt because of me or anyone else I think all of us want so bad to help you we try anything. Sometimes that is not a good thing on our part. We love you Gaby and know exactly what your going through. Please forgive me for anything I might have said.
Please don't leave us.....we need you and you need us. It is a safe place and we will show you. It's hard, very hard to see someone that is in a lot of pain.
Keep coming back and let us know your hurts and wants and fears because that is what we are here for.
You are not alone my friend
(((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
This is a safe place to come and you just wrote a brilliant gratitude list so you did the right thing coming here. Your not the only one who takes a risk by sharing here, we dont always hear what we want to hear but we often hear what we need. Out of all that has been shared and suggested to you over the last while, cant you see the positives, the good, the love and the care that has been offered too you?
Ps remember the advice take what you like and leave the rest.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 31st of December 2013 02:47:31 PM
I have also had responses here that I didn't like hearing..... but on reflection there was truth to it. I could laugh about it because I wasn't in a huge depression already. Gaby, take care of yourself. What you are going through is the worst that can happen to a mother. Take care of yourself...... take care of yourself...... take care of yourself!!!!
Hrm. Seems to me like you played up falling totally apart and just about totally losing it pretty well. Glad you had all this support and all those desperate pleas for help were not needed. I was actually concerned for you but now I'm not since things are so great with the one exception of your son. Also glad your family is not littered with other alcoholics like many of ours. Glad you made that fine distinction. That must be why this is so hard for you. Because you are better than all of us. Wow.
Hrm. Seems to me like you played up falling totally apart and just about totally losing it pretty well. Glad you had all this support and all those desperate pleas for help were not needed. I was actually concerned for you but now I'm not since things are so great with the one exception of your son. Also glad your family is not littered with other alcoholics like many of ours. Glad you made that fine distinction. That must be why this is so hard for you. Because you are better than all of us. Wow.
I agree with Pinkchip......I am so glad you have such good support....I am gonna butt out, back off and let go and let God as they say....I am a work in progress and I, too was genuinely concerned about you Glad you cleared up everything with us in that everything, support wise is so great...me?? I need my programme and my sponsor and my steps and my fellowship with other recovery worker bees
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
It sounds like you have a great support system in place. Some of us here are alone - with no husband or SO to help financially or to be there when we need a shoulder to cry on. For me it helps a great deal to share on this forum. I don't always like everything I hear, but some people here have a lot of ESH to give. Most of all I am grateful that I am not alone in my struggle.
Hi Gaby. I don't know if its appropriate to say it but I will try anyway, out of genuine care. You are very upset right now, understandably. Nothing will be right under this amount of stress. You are reaching out for support. You are getting it, from people who are giving themselves in a genuine heartfelt way to you. Stop and breathe, ask yourself if you are reacting right now or acting. Breathe. One breath at a time. We are here. You are here. It's going to be okay, it will unfold as HP wants it to unfold. Gaby, I am going to pray for you that you can let go of all this reactionary energy right now, breathe, and rest. Then act. We all just want you to feel better, every person who is here and posts gives themselves to you. Accept the love it was given in, and let go of what doesn't work for you. I will pray that you have peace. All the above is from my heart, with love for you as a person who I feel connected with in spirit. Accept it all, just breathe and accept it for what it is, God's plan, not yours. All that was said in love, I will be praying for you.
If you had all you need, Gaby, to help you through this would you be reaching out to us over and over again? I, like you, used to think my family life was great, my job was great and I was doing just great except for that little problem we had in our family called my x and later my son. My disease didn't like to be challenged. It didn't like to hear what it didn't want to hear. Nobody is trying to judge you as much as they are inviting you to see how the disease is playing you. We've been there, honey. We recognize it's self-pity, it's arrogance, it's desire to go unnoticed while it points to a person other than itself to blame for what is happening to us. The last thing our disease wants us to know is that we need the help that is being offered to us through the eyes, hearts and fingers of others who recognize it for what it is and try to name it for you while sharing what helped us with you.
We don't have to do any of what we do. We don't have to listen to you, be honest with you, or share anything about ourselves with you. We do it because we've been bested by that same disease in the same way you are being bested by it and because we believe YOU are worth our effort. Your disease wants you to reject Al-Anon, your sponsor and us. It wants to win because it doesn't want to die. It wants to keep on destroying because that is it's nature. You can choose to believe it or you can choose to see what you do have going for you as you've spelled out for us and use your anger as a tool to help YOU refuse to let this disease and its nature destroy you.
I'm here for the same reasons you all are.. Maybe more so because I have no one else to talk to. Nashema and Pinkchip. You two can judge me all you want. And no need to respond to any if my post. But when I am being told I'm neglecting my daughter .. I take that very sensitive because I'm not neglecting my child. I have a sick son and I maybe worse then him, but I truly thought the advises an suggestions will help and they have. It hurts that I know I can't handle this situation with my son, because I have not personally had any thing like this happen to anyone I know to run to. I may have the support but the support I have has never experienced what I'm going through right now. So there is nothing or anybody that will stop me from coming back to the board.. If no one choices to not respond. Then I'll except that, just like I have to except my situation to move forward. If you read my posts. I'm am being judged as if I need mental help or I'm not paying no attention to my daughter. That's the hurtful part.. So I am not playing nobody for nothing as you two are putting it. Which is real mean and hateful to me of how I am feeling for what I am going through. I'm not angry at no one but myself and my son!!! It just hurts that there are assumptions and I wanted to clarify it. God bless you all and happy new year..
You have made things very clear, we know the games ...it is when I was feeling angry because my counselor cornered me with my BS that I surrendered and started to really work my program. I knew the gig was up and I could choose to live as a victim/martyr or accept the help that was available and heal my stuff. I left her office many times so mad because she just did not understand, waa waa waa. Thank God she did not give up on me. There is a something we say in our al anon meetings...."you may not like us, but in time you will learn to love us". "Keep coming back, it works if you work it and you are worth it".
Hi Gaby
I see growth in your posts and I hope you keep coming back. I first came to this board about one year ago. I was crazy, living in full blown insanity with my alcoholic husband. He was hospitalized 3 times, had dealings with the police, etc. and still wouldn't admit that drinking was a problem. I would post things here and found lots of kindness and support, and also a lot of blunt honesty from some members. I too felt judged and angry sometimes, but I remembered to keep the focus on me and I kept coming back. I started going to f2f meetings three and four times a week. I slowly slowly stopped enabling my husband, I still have to work on fighting the urge to fix things for him, I started paying attention to me and my needs. I got out of his way and let him suffer the consequences of his actions. I slowly made new friends, friends who understand this ugly disease. This board and the tools I learned in alanon saved my life. It's a year later, my husband is now sober and I am still learning so much about me, and this disease, and all the dynamics of it, and the role I play. Prayers and peace to you and your son.
Is it possible that you have an expectation of what the support here is supposed to look and feel like? People are giving you their support here Gaby, take it for what its worth, but its a gift to you. Accept it has value because someone thought enough of you to give it, even if the gift wasn't exactly as you had hoped for or imagined. We are all here because we need each other. None of us is here because we are able to handle this on our own. In support.Â
Gaby, I never thought your daughter was being neglected. I don't know the story there. I do know you posted many many times about being too depressed to function across major life areas and discussed "being on your death bed" and I think even going to the hospital over the mental stress. I am going on what you gave us. I have been clinically depressed before and it's horrid. I was worried about you. Please be accountable for the things you say. Isn't that something you want from your son? This isn't about venting and us pitying you. Your son does all that to avoid change also right? You can do this Gaby. You can change and not just go for pity and venting. In fact, that is the best thing you can do for your son because he will see true change is possible through recovery and that "poor me" thinking is the enemy. Prayers Gaby. I am not judging or mad. What good would that do? I would like you to dig deep and change. That is all. Maybe you are not ready for that. You are loved here regardless.
I am sorry that you are upset. Alcoholism is upsetting. Living with it, living in it, being subjected to it. I hope my post did not offend you. I try to be careful in what I say. I would never presume to judge. We all just do the best we can with what we have. I truly hope that you can some positive things in your life to hang onto like a life raft because that is the only thing that got me through in my darkest hours. I wish you a Happy New Year and pray 2014 will be brighter for you and your family.
Gaby, you are getting some serious support here, can you see it? We are with you here, not against you, stay, take your medicine, it sometimes tastes horrible but it is good for you.x
We are all here for the same reason. But, no one walks in our shoes. When I went to my first F2F meeting I was so relieved. I felt the same when I found this site last February. When I post messages I don't always like what everyone has said either, but I do read the comments and think about them. Sometimes it takes me a few days and then it will hit me and I will think wow, they were right. Living with the disease of alcoholism is so hard. I had a lot of family members who had the disease and have passed on, but it does not make me an expert on the disease at all. I hurt every time I see my husband hide a bottle of vodka and then lie about it. I hurt when he becomes verbally abusive. I hurt for the future and for the past. The people in Al-Anon understand what we are going through. I told my husband over the weekend that if I went to a group of regular people and talked about Al-Anon, steps, etc., they would not understand what I was talking about. Their comment would probably be just get out of the situation and you will be fine. We need to stick together and help each other one day at a time. Take care. Anytime you need to talk or vent I am here for you.
Is it possible that you have an expectation of what the support here is supposed to look and feel like? People are giving you their support here Gaby, take it for what its worth, but its a gift to you. Accept it has value because someone thought enough of you to give it, even if the gift wasn't exactly as you had hoped for or imagined. We are all here because we need each other. None of us is here because we are able to handle this on our own. In support.Â
Thank you mm830.....I see a lot of us who are serious about our recovery, I can see it by the posts....When I do a share it is my esh and honesty and serious approach to the program that is talking....I hold myself accountable for my own actions, statements and my program.....
I remember when I first came to alanon and aca....I was a bitter, hatefilled, little raging lady who was just bursting with anger, I actually could see the color of my rage...it was a bright, garish and ugly RED... BUT, my fellow alanons and aca knew by my posts, that i wanted HELP...NOT pity....I was ???ing about the steps....I pestered the others, "can ya email me that on abuse or anger or ..............?" and I glommed onto the program, went to as many as 12 meets in a week b/c i was desperate to change...I did that many meetings for the first year or so, minimum was anywhere from 4 to 12 meets a WEEK....I ended up chairing them after a year.....
yea, the others put up with my vents, anger, and general bulls*** becuz i was willing to WORK....i was willing to be honest and be accountable for myself...AND i got out of me enough to esh another in need...I saw the give and take mentality and its importance and I shared or esh'd what I could......I hungered for change within me...and i was willing to do anything, pay any price to get healthy......it was horrid, my anger, but i had to get it out and thank god my fellow alanons and acas saw through the anger and saw my hunger for recovery that they helped me and esh'd me and supported me....
i didn't have the luxury of a husband or parents or inlaws to help me, I had to "gut it out" on my own in the meets and my sponsors and my fellows helping me with the steps....I asked for and got sheets on, like I said, the steps, and slogans, and other wisdom in writing.... i asked people "what books did u get help with?" got a library on books now , not all CAL, but all for recovery...i went to thrift shops, used places, amazon.com and got em used and i devoured each golden word those books had to offer me....
I shared what i learned, asked MORE ???s....and i got the support bc even tho i was months working through my anger, and most likely i was a pain in the ass at time, I was willing and I was hungry for recovery and the fellows at my meets and boards embraced me...they took me in out of the cold dark place i was once in because I ASKED....I humbled myself to programme and my maker...I wanted change...I wanted to be solution minded...yea, bitch about the problem , then its on to the "OK...what can i do to take care of me???" that has always been, thank god, my mentality....and that is what saved my life....I was on the bottom, and there was no other place for me to go but up....IF i wanted to rise and I did....
NOW i want to pay them back, all the alanons and acas who helped me.......with the same honesty and caring that I got....I can only read a person's post and base my esh on the info i see in the post....yea, tough love can be a buggar, but its honest...true....consistent....AND it works....
I know what it is like to sit in mental/emotional darkness.....I also know that taking responsibility for myself and being brutally honest w/me and my fellows will shine light on that darkness
I owe my life to this program and I spend a lot of my time not only working on me but recycling all the good that was given to me...I love doing the 12th step.....it is my love gift to the program that has been my life raft....
had i been enabled, coddled and pitied to the point where I didn't think I had to do some WORK on me, I dont' know what the outcome for my recovery would have been....but thank god, I had alanoners and aca's kick my butt when i needed it....when i appeared to be slipping down the coda rabbit hole, i got a loving kick in the butt and I didn't fall into that hole.....
I never tried to "game" anyone, but i know i did sit on the old pitty pot so long at times, my butt had the imprints of that pot....instead of cellulite, i had pitty pot marks on me....thank heavens the steps and the meetings, sponsor work can erase those marks...but they will come back if I don't keep massaging them with this program.........my sponsor and my co-recovery mates kicked my butt in a loving yet honest and "tough love" way to set me back on the right track.....
life is a choice.........we can be the victim/martyr or we can be proactive about our stuff and WORK..Nobody can force us to embrace this mind and life saving program....we either do it or we don't...if we don't, then so be it...I will lovingly and respectfully detach and say "hey, Nesh, you did your best and surrendered the rest" and that is all i can do.....
TAKE what you can use and discard the rest............PEACE
-- Edited by neshema2 on Tuesday 31st of December 2013 07:25:41 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Sometimes we get busted and it pisses us off..so what? Do the work anyway and heal. It is simple, really. Hard work and simple. We have 12 steps to follow...simple. We make it hard, arduous and suffering...we humans are so funny. No need for any apologies from anyone...we are loving committed human beings that want the best for our fellow travelers. That is a gift, a generous gift. Each time someone responds to one of my posts, I see it as a gift and I am a gracious receiver, so very very grateful. If my time is not valued, then ok...I just say NEXT.
Our thinking becomes distorted & unreasonable without knowing it....We are all here for the same purpose~ This is incredible to me that you feel any one of us is against you....WE are all in this together, Al-Anon is a WE program! I was told my very first f2f meeting, that I NEVER had to go through anything alone again unless I chose to!!! WOW, what a gift that was!!!! We share our Experience, Strength and Hope with you because we care!! We have been through it all....more so than some and less than others but Gaby we have a common bond, We All Love Someone That Has The Disease Of Alcoholism! It is to BIG to handle on our own, so since you go to f2f meetings and have heard this, I love the saying to Take what you want and leave the rest! I know that my sponsor never once gave me a bad suggestion, she gave me her ESH & unconditional love, just like here, it didn't mean that early in the program I liked hearing all of it but that was because we all get here with a lot of denial, denial of their disease and definitely a denial OF OUR DISEASE!! But sharing our ESH with you is our Gift to you, as we have all been given. I chose very early on in my recovery to ALWAYS keep a grateful heart NO MATTER what, it has served me very well, I hope you will choose the same for yourself!
Hello Gaby - I don't respond much to posts from parents living with addiction through their children because I, thankfully, haven't been there and I don't know what to say; I can only imagine how hard it would be to live in their shoes. I also tend to tailor my responses, avoiding the urge to occasionally say what first comes to mind because it feels harsh, but I admire those who step up and do so - and I know they do so because they've been there and done that.
One of the reasons AA works is because A's can't kid those who have been there and done that - they can tell their addiction fueled lies to family and friends who don't challenge them but other A's, recovered A's, probably don't tolerate them very well or for very long. The same is true for Al-Anon - it works because we know what you are going through and what worked to help us achieve serenity regardless of the storms.
And, I know, through coming here and reading for the last three years, that even though some responses are harsh, the responder is writing from a place of care and concern.
I'm sorry you are hurting and I hope things look better in 2014.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
