The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this board. I found it searching the internet for al anon support. I have not been to a meeting yet and am looking forward to my first one. this board has basically helped me survive this week. I have been with my partner 11 years and we have been married for 3 . We have a 2 year old daughter. In April of this year my partner began free falling into major depression just as she hit this terrible time our dog died and our landlord tried to evict us for calling the housing authority about lead complaints. I did the worst thing and focused on my job, our daughter and saving our place. She was distant and angry and I stopped trying to help or fix her. In September she began a new school year and a new teacher at her job began giving her attention and constantly texting and calling her. In October my wife was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and began taking Prozac. My wife also started drinking heavily With the new teacher after work.
On thanksgiving eve I discovered an inappropriate text from the woman at work and confronted my wife. She apologized for the text and said the woman was just a co worker who had been a shoulder to cry on but that she would tell her that they could only be professional from now on. my wife did ok for a week she seemed herself and stopped drinking. She asked her psychiatrist for a change in her medication but the psychiatrist refused. Then on December 8 she began drinking again and behaving angry and anxious towards me and out daughter. Fast forward I plan a yearly vacation to California for the holidays to get away from the cold of the northeast. My wife says she feels trapped she doesn't want to go this year she needs time and space. she leaves the apartment to go drink with the new teacher comes home wasted and angry. I say please call your therapist you are in cruises and you are self medicating. She gets angrier. I call her mom and dad our close friends for help. I am afraid. I do t recognize her anymore. my daughter and I leave for California on 12/20 she changes her flight and arrives on 12/23. I cry a lot.
She arrives on 12/23 without her wedding ring. I ask her about it. She says she decided to think about out marriage. I ask her for a dry week and she refuses. Says she does not want to hide her drinking. The week is slow and I live hour by hour. On Friday I discover the new teacher has been texting her all week. I confront her I ask her why she changed the woman's contact name ? She says nothing And starts drinking. I cry some more. Our daughter asks her why momma is sad and if she loves momma. She walks away says nothing. the other woman was in another relationship with a someone who was depressed and uses all the "key phrases" peppered in her messages to my wife "keep your chin up" " I miss you " " I'm worried about you, you are. you are not alone." I tell my wife that the other woman is the only person benefiting from her continued anger and drinking. That we all love her and want her to recover. My wife says I'm the reason she drinks. I cry some more. My wife flys back home on 01/01. I change the flight for me and our daughter to 01/03. I tell her I don't want to cry while she texts the other woman and I don't want to watch her drink to make herself feel better. She says nothing. I'm out of cards. I cannot save this marriage alone and she is locked in a pattern of drinking with Prozac and relying on the other woman to keep her angry. my wife has never felt so lost to me and I can't help but blame myself for not waking up in time to stop this other person from intruding in our marriage. Any help anything to get me through this dark time would be great. I know I can't make her see anything or make her care about our marriage. I still cry a Lot.
welcome to MIP...My name is Neshema and I am a survivor of child abuse which ripped up my self esteem and therefore I married and divorced TWO alcoholics...the 2nd one was good to me, however the first one was a turd.....
I read your post and I can so relate to your feeling so lost, threatened and alone, however you came HERE and if youwork this program, in its entirety, meetings 90 meets in 90 days at first....get a sponsor and start on the steps,...practice the slogans...they are our "proverbs" in recovery...read the literature, you will I PROMISE you if you work this program and give it heck...you WILL change YOU for the better
there is nothing yo could have done for your wife....she did what she did and nobody was going to stop this.......in alanon there is the 3 C's truth about drinkers, users (drugs) and inappropriateness with folks outside the marriage, abusers...you name it these 3 C's apply to it all BECAUSE we are never responsible for another's actions
I did not CAUSE this
I cannot CHANGE this
I cannot CONTROL this
OR throw in ----I cannot CURE this
some folks say cure...I say Change....whatever , they both are truths
I am so sorry this has happened to you....however no substance abuse is going to make one inappropriate in a marriage
in other words....the "devil made me do it" just is NOT true....
a cheater is a cheater....an abuser is an abuser.....a liar is a liar.....the drugs or alcohol just bring out what is already in the person.....
your wife has issues you CANNOT do anything about...it is HER job to do HER recovery IF she wants to....either way, its out of your hands....You can only help you
alanon is a "save your own life" program....it does not guarantee life will get better, but it does guarantee YOU will get better and thus more able to deal with life, to put out better energy and therefore make the karma easier.....life is life, but alanon is our survival guide 101 in better managing our ships so we can sail better through the crap storms of life....
I am still struggling, financially to keep decent work coming in, I still get "hits" with plumbing and car repairs, but I am healthier , thanks to alanon, and therefore what shattered me yesterday is today a "oh crap this stinks, but I can deal or turn over to God and God will tell me what to do or send me help in another person"
ya see what I am saying??? Also in alanon meetings you will meet healthier, more stable, more acceptable people to fellowship with....its just a win win situation, getting into alanon and its suggestions......
meets
steps work with a sponsor
slogan practice
reading and practicing what the literature teaches you
family of origin/inner child work (to ascertain how we grew up as we did--why we react certain ways)
posting on these boards and reading others posts and adding your input-(part of fellowshipping)
it sounds like a lot, but it really isn't when you think of how much better you can make your life, by your healthier attitude towards you
so Please give this a chance-----you took the first giant step.....you reached out and TOLD someone......and that is the beginning of recovery.........getting it out in the open........
when I came forward about all my abuse as a child, i felt a big load come off me......like shining a light on a bunch of cockroaches....what do roaches do when you shine the light of exposure to them???? they RUN.....so does the darkness in our lives.....we are as sick as our secrets......expose those secrets and recovery begins.....
AND, it is totally safe here.....what you say here on these boards or in the meetings STAYS there....nobody is going to share your information in a meet or on these boards...
I have been here for years...here and on the ACA side of this community and NEVER have i been betrayed by anyone......we just do do that
welcome.......TODAY is the beginning of a brand new life for you...all you gotta do is stick out your hands and grab onto alanon........Like God, Alanon wont' go after you...you gotta reach out to it and then when you do, it can embrace you, love you, encourage you, help you heal....
IN SUPPORT
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you for the reply neshma. I'm sorry if I butchered the name I couldn't remember it exactly. Thank you for the welcome and I will try the 90 meetings in 90 days. This is all so sad. Sometimes I'm drowning in it. Yesterday I felt stronger and kept saying to myself the 3 C's and this morning It was like I was back on thanksgiving eve and I just found out about all of it with the other woman and since 5am I started fighting not to cry not to go back to that sad place and today is just hard. I will keep going back to the board and building. One hour at a time today.
Thank you for the reply neshma. I'm sorry if I butchered the name I couldn't remember it exactly. Thank you for the welcome and I will try the 90 meetings in 90 days. This is all so sad. Sometimes I'm drowning in it. Yesterday I felt stronger and kept saying to myself the 3 C's and this morning It was like I was back on thanksgiving eve and I just found out about all of it with the other woman and since 5am I started fighting not to cry not to go back to that sad place and today is just hard. I will keep going back to the board and building. One hour at a time today.
There ya go, Trying.....andno worries about any butchering...I do it all the time, LOL.....and yes...it is VERY sad.........I am truly sorry this happened, but ya know?? this is gonna sound weird, but sometimes our HP allows us to "find stuff out" for always a good reason.....
and Pleeeeeze give alanon and us a chance...........and yes, sometimes i have to "do life" one MOMENT at a time........
hang in there.....you are SO not alone
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Neshema outlined the steps to begin to heal. I believe the 12 steps are 12 steps of grace....it is a spiritual practice, not a religious practice. Welcome and keep coming back...we say one day at a time in Al Anon, however, I had to take one hour at a time sometimes. You will get through this and your daughter will too. (((hugs)))
Neshema outlined the steps to begin to heal. I believe the 12 steps are 12 steps of grace....it is a spiritual practice, not a religious practice. Welcome and keep coming back...we say one day at a time in Al Anon, however, I had to take one hour at a time sometimes. You will get through this and your daughter will too. (((hugs)))
Oh , Paula, sometimes when life gets to be too much, it is a "one moment" at a time....been there...done that.....
and it is always a pleasure to share something in my "library" that will help a fellow alanoner
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you Paula thank you Neshema. Reading your replies has made me stronger today. I just keep re reading them and saying to myself don't drown you can do this you have to do this you are a mom and if you quit she loses. And when you are 2 you shouldn't have to lose because your mom quit. I would like to attend the online meeting tomorrow can either of you tell me how to do that? Thanks again.
On the upper left hand corner there is a link that says al anon group meeting..click there and the directions should get you into the meeting. It has been awhile since I have done an online meeting and the process was a bit different. I keep clicking on things until I get to where I am supposed to be
In addition to the very good suggestions our family members suggested to you, I'd like to commend you for focusing on your job, your daughter, keeping your house and going on vacation, too. Even with all the turmoil, what I see is that you refused to give control for your life and your choices into a very sick (for now) gal's hands. Al-Anon will help you keep the focus on yourself. It will also help you avoid some of the tricky manipulations of the addictive process. Keep coming back.
