The material presented
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Today was tough again. I did not go to work. I stayed in bed and watched t.v. All day. I can not stop thinking about the well being of my son. But I took care of me and rested my mind. I have tooken what I have done to my son so hard. People tell me get out of gods way. At one time my son has told me if I would have left him alone he would have had a chance in sobriety.. I have to surrender for my sanity. I need to live regardless of this outcome... I have a daughter that needs me. I need me. I wish I can grow that back bone and say ok this was the last of me falling into his trap!! But I'm not there yet.. I pray and I know god is listening. I won't give up on faith and I have so much hope that my son and myself will get through this. Any words will be appreciated.
when we say what we mean and mean what we say sometimes FAULSE GUILT hits!!
new behaviours are hard, When I first started saying NO and leaving my A to take responsibility I felt bad but it got easier, Ala non friends told me I was doing it for the right reasons. Today I check my motive am I doing something because I want to hurt someone then that is wrong and I need to make amends but If i am doing something that is good for me and my intentions are good then I work through the faulse guilt I pick up my phone, read, pray and get to my meeting.
As for my A he would tell me how everything was my fault let me refrase that the disease would blame me but I have learnt not to listen. one older timer shared with me how she would sing in her head when the disease was on the attack what ever it took not to listen.
See this disease is cunning and baffling we think it is the person we love spewwing hatred angrey negativity at us but the are ,mentally, spirituall unwell.
This disease attacks them and then us through them IF WE LET IT!!!!
today I fight the disease not the person I see them as seperate although I do slip time from time and get in to blame.
Changed attitudes aid recovery they say, well I am emtionally unwell due to this disease and last thing I do is sit with my head its a scary place to go alone ha ha
no matter how down I get to a meeting or pick up the phone and hay presto I feel positive again its called taking my al anon medicine in bad times I take it a couple of times a day.
take what you like dump the rest sending you a big hug tracy xxxxx
You are worried about a choice your son has made. Made all by himself. I understand your worry but don't let it destroy you. Make the effort to continue on with your life. Get to work, do your chores, take care of your daughter. I started doing what your doing right now until I came here. Even though I have worry and fear sometimes I don't let it upset my obligations. Get to work because sitting in bed won't do a dang thing for your son.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Gaby, not going to work is a real danger sign for me, even, during my worst of times with my son I went to work because for me it was about keeping together my life, despite the chaos and I felt I had a responsibility to hold down my job. I'm on my own though so no job for me =no home. Maybe not having a job is something that wont affect your family too much, I don't know. If you lose your job though, how do you think you will feel, that depression will take a hold of you, your self esteem will plummet more than it is today and what will your wee girl learn from that, that when the going gets tough, give in, wallow in self pity? Also, for me my job was my sanctuary, where I could forget the horrible things that were going on at home, I was reminded at my work that there is hope, this will pass, I can talk to people, act normally, just forget the madness for a while.
It sounds to me like you are having a little pity party at the moment, I know this sounds uncaring but its such a tempting place to go to, feeling overwhelmed and just abandoning your life to depression, there is an element of choice in there. Maybe, look at your motives right now, are you looking for sympathy from your son in order to guilt him into treatment? or are you looking for attention and sympathy from people. Its just that I know I did this, I also, told everyone what was going on in the hope that they could tell me what to do, they had the magic answer to stop it all for me, they never did. I had to ride it out and then when I got this program, I could take an honest look at myself and look at my motivations and Ive never looked back.
Did you read your feedback from yesterday? There was some really good suggestions from people who have lived through much worse than you, everything passes, even the very very worst things in life can be lived through.
-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 31st of December 2013 06:52:44 AM
Not going into work is just as destructive as your son checking out of the sober living house. We each have commitments and obligations that we are responsible to maintain. Staying home to "worry" about you son is very destructive and could cause you to loose your position and be home permanently "worrying ".
Praying, doing the "next Right action" regardless of how I feel is what brought me out of the dark hole of despair.
Gaby, I also think this has tripped off a clinical depression for you. Alanon and church can't address that properly. When I reached a certain point, I needed antidepressants also. Don't know but I think therapist and psychiatrist would help. I am not judging or saying you are crazy. I needed those things myself to even start really working my program.
Ditto to what the others have said....your behaviors are self destructive. And your behavior is like your son's. He is behaving in a self destructive way and you are as well. Who is caring for your little girl? Reach for some professional help.
-- Edited by PP on Tuesday 31st of December 2013 09:36:00 AM
From my perspective...sometimes I wallow in self pity and I find that after a couple of days or so, I get so sick of my own misery and complaining that I start wanting to get out into the world again...I have the answers myself...I don't think Gaby is saying she's given up on life or caring for her child just yet...
I was very saddened and concerned when I read your post. I have read a few of your other posts where you stated you stayed home and didn't go to work. Please be careful. Falling into that cold, dark place won't help you, your daughter, or your son. I know all to well that it is hard to be strong all the time but you have to remember the good things too. Going to work, for me, was the only place I could go to be "normal" for 8 hours. If I had just stayed home and surrounded myself with the insanity of my situation, I don't think I would have survived. Take good care of you, be gentle, and forgiving. I am praying for peace for you....
It must be difficult Gaby, but can I ask you - do you feel angry? I hope that you don't mind my asking but I've found that my depression thrives when I ignore or suppress my anger.
You clearly love your son, and I imagine that it would be very difficult to allow yourself to be angry with him. But is it ok for you to be angry with alcohol? I am asking you this even though I know it took me nearly two years to 'do' anger. It was an emotion that I just did not allow myself. I thought that was a good thing! It wasn't.
Lets be honest, Mr Alcohol loves to see us stay in bed all day, it loves to see us ignoring our responsibilities. You know what Mr Alcohol likes to see. Imagine, if it really was a person how would you feel about Mr Alcohol taking so much energy from your life?
You do not have to give in to it.
Please Gaby, don't give alcohol what it wants - can you dig your heels in and do the opposite? It will get easier the more you do it. Smile, go to work, give your daughter a hug. Send your son positive vibes and then get on with your day. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my anger helped me, it is my best friend when I feel that I'm sliding into depression.
You have faith in God. He will help you do the right thing for you.
Stop calling out of work. (a strong suggestion). Don't indulge depression and obsessive thoughts. Move foward.
what did your sponsor say about this latest???? what step are you working as you stay home from work????
what alanon approved book, literature are you meditating on????
Meetings , either face to face or ON line are open today...this am there was one here...did you go???? IF you did not, there are meets tonight....I believe there is a meeting tonight here....
your obsession and addiction to this is destroying you AND Paula says
"Ditto to what the others have said....your behaviors are self destructive. And your behavior is like your son's. He is behaving in a self destructive way and you are as well. Who is caring for your little girl? Reach for some professional help."
I cannot agree more with Pinkchip and Paula......
you are as ill as your son.....both of you are self imploding...he from drugs you from him.....He is your addiction and no doubt he senses that and trust me that is counter productive to any chances he will get into recovery.....
I think the help you need is beyond the scope of this board.....We gave you encouragement....we gave you hope....we gave you suggestions.....I even offered to send you the steps...and I see no change...nothing......I think, like Paula said....You seriously need professional help..........
I hope someone can intervene and take care of your little girl.......I hope someone , if they already have not, can step up and take care of this little girl so SHE has a chance in life.....
PLEASE GET HELP...if you dont' care about you, PLEASE GET HELP b/c this cannot be healthy for this other child who needs you.......
-- Edited by neshema2 on Tuesday 31st of December 2013 01:12:44 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I really object to this. No-one has any idea of Gaby's financial status or job situation. She certainly hasn't detailed any neglect of her young child. These are very wild assumptions. Maybe she can afford to take some time off from work? Maybe she can afford a few days in bed watching TV?.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Tuesday 31st of December 2013 12:48:01 PM
Gaby, I also think this has tripped off a clinical depression for you. Alanon and church can't address that properly. When I reached a certain point, I needed antidepressants also. Don't know but I think therapist and psychiatrist would help. I am not judging or saying you are crazy. I needed those things myself to even start really working my program.
you know, before I got into alanon, i went to the dept. of mental health , i was nearly broke, REAL bad financial difficulties b/c of my sickness....not taking jobs, I could have, I was a wreck adn i got a good councellor for FREE.....there IS mental health help out there...I know...I got , i think, 3 months w/a nurse, who had degree in psychology and he was great with me.....taught me how to safely dispell my anger......I owe him to this day...I still practice some of his exercises when things get to be too much.....HELP is OUT THERE, but one has to want it and reach out for it.......I didn't do the anti depressents but the councelling helped me big time
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I just want to make it clear.. !!! Financially I am ok.. I have a great job and the time to take off. My daughter by far is not being neglected.. I have an amazing husband that stands by me to get me up when I fall..Yes I'm depressed about my son and his choices. It's normal. I have never been in this situation before. I do not come from a family that has ever abused me, abused drug or abused alcohol.. I have my parents with me still alive in there late 70's that are by my side to build my strength. I have amazing in-laws that are there for me when I need them. I have very little friends because I chose that. I had a sponsor that is to busy to be a sponsor any more. I have one solid face to face meeting that I go to faithfully but unfortunately it's only one a week. Yes I have met others that I do reach out to in the program, but some have been to busy to meet up due to the holidays. I am a great mother to my daughter I am a great wife and I am doing my best to deal with my sons situation. Yes I know the slogans. But this is so new to me that nobody around me knows how to help because I did come from a great family and we never had to experience any of this.. No !! I am not going crazy nor am I needing mental health. Do I have meds already yes, but I do not depend on them to fix my feelings that I naturally feel.. I feel that I have been so judged over me sharing my feelings, because I thought this was a safe place to come too.
Gaby, I didn't have a great job (altho I am studying for one) but I saved a lot of money and when things got hard, I took time off too. That was my right. It's your right too. I never neglected my child and I know you aren't either. I'm sorry people have misunderstood you like this. I spent days in bed watching tv. The world didn't end.
There is no question that this is a hard row to hoe -- one of the hardest things there is. Nobody comes into the world knowing how to keep their balance when their child is in danger. Everything in us is programmed to jump in and do everything we can. Strangely that is its own danger -- because in this situation, true "helping" actually consists of "not helping."
I have had more than one time like this when I was consumed with worry over something that was very worrying. I was helped by reading the words of Harriet Lerner: "Overfocusing on one thing is a way of underfocusing on something else." It feels natural to focus on the safety of our children, so we tend to succumb to it more than lesser worries. But the strength of it also comes from what we are avoiding thinking about. For me it was the state of my own life. I had many happy things, yet some parts of it were very much not okay (however brave a face I put on it, however much I felt I "should" be happy about things). My helplessness (as I experienced it) in front of those things led me to focus on other things. The other things were the things I could do nothing about -- because then I could worry about them forever. No chance, unfortunately, that they would be magically and instantly solved. So worrying about X so hard kept me from thinking about Y.
I know that of course you are genuinely worried about your son. But I wonder if there is also something being underfocused on which is helping drive the strength of this worry. Just something in which I wonder if your experience might be like mine.
