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I've long been a believer that how you see in the New year reflects on how you will spend your year. It seems to hold true for me, in any event.
So, New Years 2 years ago...well, ABF was front and centre of my world. He chose to spend the night getting drunk and playing his computer game. I bitterly worked on an assignment for school and at midnight stood out the front watching fireworks and thinking angry thoughts. I spent the year working like a slave, both as an unpaid helper at ABF's job and as a student at night..and I was angry and resentful most of the time and absolutely consumed with the unfairness of it all...yet I enabled and complained and enabled and complained and cried bitter tears night after night....
Well, by last New year's Eve, I'd started to do some reading into codependence and addiction etc. ABF had promised us a big night out but by 7pm or so he was so drunk and stoned that he could barely walk and I was all dressed up with nothing to do but avoid him...well I was so very disappointed and made sure I told him so at length (as if he was listening or able to remember). Then, still with a fair degree of resentment, I spent my night alone writing, mostly about how sad it was to spend the night alone listening to the parties rage around me (every neighbour was throwing an extravaganza). I felt very sad but also, determined not to engage with his drunkenness, try to match it in order to "have fun" or seek bread at the hardware store in any way...and i've spent this past year, I think, growing into that somewhat. Becoming comfortable with just leaving him be...and sadly but with some determination, just getting on with things and seeking joy in simple things that don't require his attendance or support. And I've mostly done it sadly and without very much joy really, but I've done it nonetheless..
This year, I again face a night alone. ABF will return home from work very late and his mood has been vile and abusive. So my focus...this time...needs to be resentment free. If I'm to guage my "New Years Eve" performance as a marker of my growth and a statement of intent for my year ahead, then tonight I really want to enjoy myself without bitterness, sadness or dissapointment.
So. I have no expectations of ABF for a start. He will do whatever he does. He may not even come home; I sense this as a possibility given his recent mood and outbursts.
So far today, I have pottered, tidied, and taken the dog for a nice walk in the sun to lift my spirits. (It worked). This evening...well, I might make my room a bit nicer (I've been using it as a bit of a cave of misery recently). Clean sheets, candles, maybe some meditation...a stroll down to the park where I will hopefully be able to see the fireworks (I'm sure i can say "oooh, aaaah" as well alone as I can in company)
Candles, incense, nice smells....what else? I want a solid plan for tonight that involves being content and happy no matter what anyone else does. If all else fails, I could crash one of the neighbour's parties...
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Tuesday 31st of December 2013 03:35:46 AM
I'll crash those parties with you in spirit Melly! That way I'll be able to celebrate twice as much! More than likely I'll be cleaning my house for the New Year...lol, but that's fine for me, as this area is no good on regular weekends and New Year's Eve usually includes unloading entire clips from AK 47s and the like. So I'd rather stay inside, and hopefully soon, celebrate on my own day somewhere far from here;) Lots of love to you Melly, and here's to a bright beginning for us all...
I will stop by the store on my way home today and pick up some goodies to eat for my and SO. A good steak sounds good to. I'll be asleep by 10pm....right after the ball drops in New Year Not much into parties anymore.
What time is it there right now...Want to give you a shout out to you for the New Year....
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
10:11pm right now. ABF just turned up roaring drunk and demanded I get dressed because we are going out. I'm going to because he's headed to where the fire-works are and I'd like to see them. I expect to make my own way home; he's headed for no-good. I think I prefer to get out of the house for a little while even though it will involve having to walk away from him and go home before it turns ugly.
Well, it's 12:38 and I'm home already....lol. I wasn't exaggerating when I said ABF was drunk. He was freaking maggoted. (Do they use that expression in North America? Or is it an Australianism? You get the idea anyway). He kept saying that he "just wanted to make sure I had a happy night" but he was in no fit state to hear "you being drunk and falling all over me and shouting in my ear doesn't make me happy". Whatever. I had a plan in mind and no expectations from him. So I winced as he ranted at the taxi driver and we got to the venue...which was closing...ABF was very insistent that he get me a drink although the bar was closing...and we sat for a little while and he turned from happy and sweet to suddenly angry and mean....and decided we were breaking up...he was really nasty...I didn't worry a whole lot and just watched the time on my phone to make sure I wasn't going to miss the fire-works...smiled and agreed with him...he was making no sense and clearly in a state of distress over what he feels he has done to our relationship...all well and good for tonight....but I just don't need to try to sooth or understand his drunken ranting anymore. Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave..... As I headed over to the beach for the fireworks he ran after me, I'm sorry and I love you and you know you're always my girl no matter what happens...okie dokie honey.... As the fireworks began he stood in front of me talking incessantly and trying to be the center of atention....I asked him..."babe can I please enjoy the show for a few minutes and then I'm all yours?" and he got angry and stormed off..and suddenly there I was on the beach watching the fireworks (don't ask me why, I just really enjoy them) and it felt as though they were just for me...a celebration of who I was in that moment....it was a brilliant way to see in the New Year. I spent those "happy new year" moments completely alone and loved it...MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!! After they were done, I steered ABF into a taxi with his new friends (he found some people going our way) and I laughed along with them as he ranted and babbled and spilled his wallet all over the taxi. Whatever. Hey, it's a shame he had to be so insanely drunk to do it but his intent was to get me to the fireworks, make sure I had a drink and after it was done he was happy to go home. The heart was there even if the rest of him was completely deranged by alcohol and guilt over recent events. We pulled up outside our house and he announced that he was going to the neighbours party to "try to score some pot". I told him to take his time and enjoy himself with complete sincerity. Then as I sat down and turned on my computer his mother rang me and said "happy new year" and then launched into a tale about some awful bacterial infection she has and after 5 minutes....I'm sorry but I hung up on her. She doesn't allow space to say "I'm sorry i have to go" and I just wasn't willing to deal with hours of her moaning so....I just hung up. Eeek. I'm good with my decision. And now here I am, all alone. Well, with the dog, who is very relieved to see me after being left alone with all of that nasty banging and cracking going on in the sky. And I'm quite happy and content. I'm really happy with how this New Years Eve turned out. I had a really spiritual few moments alone on the beach watching the fireworks, ABF got his drunk on and was pleased when I told him I was perfectly happy with how it went even though we didn't get to rage on all night (which he was so certain I wanted). It really did work out well. Happy New year, MIP.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Tuesday 31st of December 2013 09:59:17 AM
And then...when he staggered in a few minutes ago, I was able to say "honey, call your mum. She's sick". A few minutes later I heard a really loud bang and went through all of the rooms...couldn't find ABF...finally found him having one of his seizures on the floor and after checking he was breathing I found the phone under him and went to reassure his mum he was OK....and she was still talking, oblivious...I said "oh my GOD she's still going" under my breath and ABF had come to and started to giggle...lol. Now he's comfy on the couch in the spare room shouting at his mum on the phone and very happy. The universe really put it all together for me tonight.
I think 2014 is going to be the year of Melly. You are so adorable, I wish you and your daughter nothing but the best. Even your A, I will pray he gets it together, not for you but for himself because I think you got your sign, this is your year to stand up for yourself and enjoy that freedom you are working so hard for. Melly you inspire me.
Do I sound mean?
Standing at the fire-works with his arms around me...I so wished I could just enjoy it and love him back..but he just isn't in there anymore. I miss my friend so much but that isn't something I can really allow myself to do anymore. Just gotta be polite and calm and detached when I am around him. When he's not drunk he's hungover, and when he's neither it's because he doesn't have any booze...
After almost 3 hours of shouting on the phone to his mum (that's gonna cost a fortune) he came to me. Drunk out of his mind and demanding to know if I would go to bed with him. I tried to say "not when you are this drunk babe, it isn't fun for me. But I love you". He threw the leather jacket I bought him on the ground and spat on it. Told me we are over. Then told me "I'll tell you why I don't want to be with you anymore. No, I won't because it's too cruel to tell you the truth. You're too pathetic and sad". Then came back and asked me if I had any beer. More spitting on the jacket. Didn't realise he hated it so much. It's a bloody nice jacket. Worth more than his car.
Now he's blasting the house apart with angry "you are a bitch" music.
Well, I mostly got the night I wanted. I knew it wasn't going to end well. Might go and sleep in my car to escape the angry music.
More testament to me being on the road to better? I'm not in any way looking forward to the apology. The thought of it just makes me feel really sad for both of us. I think, by next new year, I want to be free of this. It's so sad.
I really do miss him- that guy that was able to think outside of his own urges and needs- and care about me occasionally. But he really is gone.
It was a mostly good NYE. The ending still hurt, but I always knew it would.
No you don't sound mean, goodness he is spitting on your jacket and having a tantrum and you are worried about sounding mean...Melly...you sound sane and accepting and should be so proud of yourself and how far you have come. What's that saying if you are going through hell keep going, or this too shall pass. You sound like you are getting it together and keeping it together more every day. Hope for your sake he passes out soon.
Sounds like progress melly, my mother used to tidy and clean like mad for 'nerdy' a scottish word for hogmonay and she used to say that start the new year as you mean to go on. So I used to put so much pressure on myself trying tomget things perfect and then I would have a good year. Not anymore, no way, I have tidied but not in a mad way like I used to, I had plans but a friend has cancelled so I will be on my own too but I think our program gives us the gift of a new start everyday really, if it all goes wrong we can use our tools to pick ourselves up and start again even in the same day. I hope you have a peaceful time, some of the readings for january are lovely. Happy new year.x
Oh my dexter days are over, it took over my life for a while, lol, so good. Ive watched the lot.lol, diseases of excess eh!! enjoy, isnt that actor gorgeous?
Oh, Melly, I cried when I read you seeing those fireworks just for you! You are growing so, so much. They were there ALL for you and you drank the gift in that life held for you in its hand. For me, reading this is one of the best New Year's Eve's that I have enjoyed.
Not much into parties anymore. 