The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am an alanon newbie. However I am in AA myself and have been sober for 2 1/2 years. I met my fiance in treatment. We were just aquaintences, then friends, then started dating a year later. We are engaged and living together. Getting married in 2 months. I love the man and don't plan on leaving him. My issue is that he has had many many relapses. They started out as one time deals, one drink, or a few drinks. Then he'd be back sober for months at a time. He kept going to AA and meeting with a sponsor all along. He's never backed off from the program at all. As time went on, he slipped more often. Now, for the last 2-3 months, he has been drinking "some" nearly daily. At least 5 days a week. I am obsessed with finding his bottles. I told him in the beginning that I knew he'd drank, would confront him lovingly. Once he had me dump out the bottles (I KNOW this is stupid!) and I did. Now I just leave him to his own "program". He attends 3 AA meetings a week and meets with his sponsor once a week usually. Our circle of friends is all in recovery. And yet he drinks nearly daily, hides bottles and acts as if he is not drinking. I know all the hiding spots and always find them because I did the same thing. I have not told him that I am finding his bottles, or that I know he has been drinking. I was told by my sponsor in AA to leave him alone to his own devices. So I have. However when he's not around or not looking, I snoop on his bottles and watch them go down or be replaced. I am "so good" that I know when he is going to have a shot, I can just tell. He makes an excuse to go out in the garage a lo (one of his hiding places). Or he goes to the bathroom a lot (no toilet flushing??) and again one of his hiding places. I have taken pictures of the bottles in all these hiding places as if I need proof. I can tell immediately from smell and sight and how he talks, that he has been drinking. His current hiding spot du jour is on top of the cabinet in the bathroom (hard to explain). I watch the bottle go down. Yesterday it was gone and he suggested I run out for something for us both. I KNEW he was going to replace the bottle and when I got home I checked and voila...a new bottle with about an inch gone. Cheap vodka. Yeah...been there DONE that. My latest fear is that he is drinking some before work. I have a desire to check after he's in bed, and then again after he leaves for work in the morning (he works earlier than I do). I think that he thinks since he is not getting "drunk" and is only having "some" daily that he is "handling" it. And it's not gotten worse (as far as how drunk he gets, which isn't much) in months. Just my suspician.
So...this is driving me nuts. Do I confront him or not? Let him just slide into the abyss s l o w l y and then realize he needs help again? I have lost some respect for him because he is still going to meetings and talking the talk, yet not walking the walk. I am completely "on to him" about it yet have not said anything in months. I know he has the desire to quit drinking ( I'm beginning to doubt that ) and that is the only requirement for membership in AA. I don't knwo if you all give "advice" on here, but perhaps someone or many of you can give me your experience, strength and hope that is relevent to this situation?
I still plan to marry him, I totally understand the throws of addiction. None of this has caused me to consider drinking myself (yet). I love him deeply. I have tried to detach with love from his problem and go on about my life. But am I doing it right? Ignoring and pretending I don't know? I HATE AND DREAD any sort of confrontation (of any kind) so it's easier for me to have the crazy in my head, than to confront him (or anyone about anything). Am I hurting him though? Ugh. Help me please! I was told in my alanon meeting that it's not a place to get advice. But then WHERE do you get it???
Welcome
Let go and let God.
Keep the focus on your recovery (and I say this in the most loving manner possible).
When things get rough, go at your program harder.
First off, congrats on being sober for 2 1/2 years! A great accomplishment that I would think you don't want to endanger.
We try to give experience rather than advice since so many if us have been there/done that. What works for one may not work for another, so you take what you need and leave the rest.
Recall from AA that the disease is progressive, so if he is at the hiding bottle stage but seems like he has plateau, it is likely only a matter of time before it gets worse.
When my AW was hiding bottles, I did everything you are doing - mark with a sharpie, take a picture, and empty it. Then usually I would jus keep the picture in case she wanted to know what was happening. Of course, she never did want to know.
On the rare occasions when I would confront her with it - next morning, at least I knew better than to confront when she was drunk - that would launch her into full-blown denial. There is no way it could have been her bottle, how dare I insinuate that it could be hers, blah blah blah.
So I finally got to the point where I discovered it wasnt doing anybody any good, so I gave it up. It just drove me nuts and didn't do anything to stop her, in fact made it worse because, even though she denied it was hers, inside her she knew it was hers and that ratcheted up giving her more excuses to drink!
It sound like you are facing lack of meetings. Keep going to what you can, and a couple of book recommendations are: Getting Them Sober and Boundaries, they have helped me almost as much as meetings. And if your husband goes into rehab, sign up for all the education sessions that you can while you are there, that helped me a lot too.
I found when I set boundaries and stuck to them, is what was best for me and my sanity. Like no alcohol in the house. To continue down the path your describing is going to make you crazy and not just in your head after a while. It comes down to.....he is going to drink or he's not, what are you gong to do?
Might suggest a book: Getting them Sober Vol: 1 by Toby Rice Drew. Great book for you.
You will get a lot of ESH here though so stick around and keep coming back because you are not alone.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you SO much for the replies. I am currently reading "Getting them Sober" that my sponsor gave me. I have taken a few weeks off of reading due to being busy with the holidays (yeah...I KNOW...addiction doesn't take a break!). I will get back into it. It's amazing how I can get deluded thinking going even though I am in recovery and KNOW that the facts are that it's progressive, that I have to take care of my recovery, etc etc...Knowing and doing are two different things I guess. It's weird for me to be in this spot, because I used to be the one hiding the bottles from my ex-husband and lying when he or the kids found them. "NO that's not mine, I have NO idea how it got there!" WhatEVER!! They knew and I knew. I love your comment Kenny, from personal experience! Thank you to all who have replied thus far.
I guess I KNOW the deal...progressive, cunning, baffling, powerful. It will get worse. And I cannot MAKE him quit or want to quit. Logic vs emotions...and my emotions win every time. It's not a good feeling to think that HE is thinking he has duped me. It's like I want him to know that I KNOW what he is up to. But what would that really matter?
I shall get my butt to meetings and get back into that book. I love the ESH (I need to learn the lingo here!) that you all can share with me. In a weird twist of circumstances, the gal I asked to be my sponsor, unbeknownst to me, is an AODA counselor, a member of AA (that I knew) and a member of Alanon. She is a truly wonderful lady. I have not shared with her that he is drinking and hiding bottles and that I'm obsessively checking them and taking pictures. Guess it's time for me to fess up to her and get some of that rigorous honesty going! Sheesh!
It's hard watching a loved one slowly spiral down into the abyss. Gut-wrenching really.
Question for you all (if you are still reading my babble!): Have any of you caught yourself WISHING your loved one would just drink because they are more fun, happy, talkative, lively? It's SICK and makes me sick that I feel that way sometimes. But I do. It's like the sober man I fell in love with was fun, loving, outgoing, talkative and then it slowly has evolved into him being quiet, sullen, reserved and not very affectionate when sober, but when he's been drinking, he is back to that guy I fell in love with. But at the same time I'm enjoying that, I KNOW he's been drinking! It is a weird form of torture.
welcome into program.....you asked ignore or not to ignore??? if that is to go into denial, what you are "buying into" then NO...HECK NO!!!
if it means to detach...let go.....work on you then yea, "ignoring" his stuff to focus on your stuff
Are you sure you want to buy into this??? Are you real strong on detachment and living 2nd to an addiction???? I know...tough ???s but really, I think , BEFORE i made a life changing decision, I would go to as many meetings as there are days.....get a sponsor, if you don't have one............Btw...CONGRATS on your own sobriety...
so you know the drill....meetings....steps w/sponsor...slogans...literature right??? your gonna NEED it if you stay with him....you will really need your program....AA and alanon I would suggest....
your sponsor is right....leave him to his own devices....let him fall...and fall hard....maybe that will cause him to really work his program AND stop drinking....
if this does not change (his actions) you can look forward to worsening problems w/ his health....job loss....legal troubles, perhaps.....it is a HUGE load,......but its your life....I cannot say go or stay, but I can tell you, I separated myself from that
Last year, I met a REAL nice guy...didn't say much to anyone on board here or anything, becuz i talked with my sponsor about it....i was "noticing things" about hsi drinking......the places where he wanted to take me out ALL involved drinking......he would chug down two or three hard drinks to my one glass of beer as we waited to eat......and his idea of "fun" was going to pool halls where they serve liquor...
I watched this in detachment and thank god, I have a strong programme system....now "G" was a GREAT guy....I really had fun chatting with him, but I saw drinking patterns, too much alcohol in our dates, etc...so I left him....
he called me up and asked me "whats up" and I just told him that I felt he drank too much for MY comfort and I was not "going there" into that hell again......he tried to say "he would cut back" "drink less" and I said "nope...we are not a match..."
I thanked him for all the fun we had on the phones, home visits....dinners and stuff.....it wasn't a really a "relationshp" becuz to me that takes time...it was a friendship that MIGHT have gone somewhere, but i saw the signs......i saw them, accepted them, and left.....i am alone now, but it is for the best....
I will not be 2nd to a persons drinking, sneaking around drinking booze lying or broken promises to me, that is ALL OVER WITH......
You are SUCH a pretty girl and your post reflects a woman with a "lot on the ball"....I would, b4 the wedding, I would get into as many meetings as there are days and work hard w/my sponsor and work the steps., to find out what is in your background that makes you believe that you can't do better then one who is obviously sick and not really progressing in getting in remission and you know...addiction can only be in remission as long as they stay sober and work the program
i have seen drunks "work a program" its gaming to me...my youngest druggie brother is a classic , goes to meets, he can recite the steps and slogans but he is still using....he tries to con all around him, but i know...most folks know he is using......he therefore hooks up with using women who use drugs......not a good recipe or combo for a healthy relationship........but there again, that is HIS life, not mine.....
my other bro. who is my best male friend is also an alkie...but he doesn't lie...he SAYS "i am not in program and don't see it happening" sooo sad, but at least he is honest, lol...I love him dearly and one day i will bury him bc alcohol use will kill....it is death in a bottle to these people.....i woud think and think hard as i worked my steps and program....b4 i "bought into" this hard hard road ahead.....maybe live with him first....make sure you can handle the drunken horror shows these folks can pull...make sure you want to make a life w/someone killing themself.........
JUST saying...Please take what you can use and dump the rest......God speed.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Those of us who are addictively inclined tend to switch addictions, which is probably something you've seen as well. Sometimes we practice our addictions directly ... sometimes we practice them by being addicted to the addicts. This is just something to consider as you move forward. I suspect every one of us here has been in your place. There is hope by using the tools of Al-Anon. Take good care of yourself.
I shall get my butt to meetings and get back into that book. I love the ESH (I need to learn the lingo here!) that you all can share with me. In a weird twist of circumstances, the gal I asked to be my sponsor, unbeknownst to me, is an AODA counselor, a member of AA (that I knew) and a member of Alanon. She is a truly wonderful lady. I have not shared with her that he is drinking and hiding bottles and that I'm obsessively checking them and taking pictures. Guess it's time for me to fess up to her and get some of that rigorous honesty going! Sheesh!
****************** GOOD girl, sounds like you are wanting to make sure you have the best possible life.....
if he is drinking and hiding, that is not a good sign.....you are intelligent, we don't have to tell you, I am sure in your heart of hearts that , yes, you love him, but do you really really want to commit to this kind of misery?????? my mother drank herself to death....i watched it.....it was NOT pretty and I didn't even LIKE the lady becuz of the abuse she heaped on me all my life, but she was a human being and for that, i felt compassion that a living, once viable life, would commit suicide the slow way and that is what it appears you are buying into........
I am soooo grateful programme has changed me the way it has....i can pray for these alkies and even like them which i adore my brother, but would i "room share" with him??? Nope.....would i want to get romantically involved w/one who cannot possibly meet my needs for a mutual, healthy, equal relationship???? Nope......thanks be to God and Programme, I am done with that.......I will never again be the babysitter and caregiver to a dying drunk (my mother) ...it is an UGLY thing to live with....and becuz i was so messed up from my abusive, drunken childhood, I married into it TWICE......i had no programme to staighten me out, but the 2nd alkie husband was good to me, other wise I most likely would have dumped him sooner....A#1 was abusive, mean, nasty, I left him after only 5 yrs. marriage.....my 2nd, who was nice, i stayed w/for 13 years......he was sweet, but drinking himself to death slowly....oh he was in navy and very good w/his job...soon as work was over with he would drink......i told him that we were both messed up and we both needed help....i drew on the calandar when he was leaving if we weren't BOTH of us in programme.......he refused....I told hm to leave....he left....i came to alanon and acoa......i haven't looked back......my life is day to day getting better and healther within me....oh life is still hard, but at least i can survive the crap storms of life better b/c of programme.....
JUST saying.... PEACE adn welcome to the family........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome and congratulations on your years of sobriety. You will get some responses from those that have AA and Al Anon experience, so listen carefully to them. Without any focus on your friend and keeping the focus solely on you, I have concerns for your sobriety/recovery. I am curious as to why you haven't shared with your sponsor? I hear a determination to marry him and I am wondering why? And I am only asking the question...this is your life and you get to live it as you are guided by your HP. I hear the awesome steps you are taking for your continued recovery from alcohol and then I see another addiction taking its place....your friend. Keep the focus on you and get to as many face to face al anon meetings as you can while staying in a very active conversation with your sponsor. She sounds like a keeper with her credentials. Keep coming back, this is an awesome community
And more great words from you all. Lots to think and pray about for me. This is so hard. I went back and read my original post and if I were not ME and reading that, I'd say the same things you all have said. Are you SURE You want to sign up for that? Think long and hard about tying yourself to this man. Etc. It's hard for me to share in my AA and alanon meetings because of the small and close knit recovery community, they KNOW him. SO this message board is great, because I don't feel like I"m talking about him to people that are also his friends and aquaintances. I suppose, it's one of the drawbacks of being with someone that is also attending meetings with the same group of people. We go to meetings together, and alone. And many of the Alanon folks are also AA members, so........ya know what I mean?
I feel like I need to have a talk with him about it. Not begging him to change, but just telling him that his recent increased drinking and hiding of bottles is affecting me in a negative way and that I am working on an alanon program to deal with myself on it. I feel it's only right to let him know that I know, and that I am going on with my "stuff" and taking care of me. If he continues, then he does. If he recommits himself to AA and his program, then great.
Our wedding is fast approaching (got engaged in July) and getting married end of feb, heading on honeymoon March 1. 2 months away. Lots to consider and ponder and pray about and work on for me. YIKES!
Detaching with love is hard. And I don't know how far to detach. But the words of "been there done that" otherwise known as ESH from you all are very helpful to me!
I have concerns for your sobriety/recovery. I am curious as to why you haven't shared with your sponsor? I hear a determination to marry him and I am wondering why? And I am only asking the question...this is your life and you get to live it as you are guided by your HP.
I agree...I, too, am concerned for YOUR sobriety AND your mental health......and I hope I wasn't too invasive , asking, why you would want to marry an active alcoholic, but yep, it is your life and you get to do your life as you see fit....I just hope someone as sharp as you look and sound like gives yourself a chance by really getting into inner child work/family of origin work and the steps w/your sponsor....
OK...nuff said....you will get some great esh here b/c there are some real good program worker bees on here......PEACE
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Why have I not shared with my sponsor? Because she will tell me what I DO NOT want to hear. So if I don't hear it, it's not really true right? (sarcasm) She will tell me what you all have said. Don't rush into it, think about this, put your sobriety first, you are co-dependent, you can't save him, do you really want to live with someone who will possibly NEVER get sober again? On and on...
I do know all those things and I do think about them. I don't know what else to say to explain how I feel about him. I never thought about it as I have switched addictions and possibly am addicted to HIM now. Yikes.
I should also say that I HAVE shared with my sponsor about his previous relapses and that he has had them etc. I have not shared in the last 2-3 months with her about the more daily drinking and hiding of bottles. I meet with her every Weds night, so this weds, i guess I know what the topic will be.
I wish there was a "like" button on this message board! Kinda like on Facebook. CathyinAZ thanks! I am going to do just that. Boundaries is really a word I have not heard in response to this situation until today. You and others have used that word. I dread the "sit down conversation" because of fear. Fear of how he'll react and what might happen. It's a crazy mind game I play, but if I don't have the conversation, then I don't have to deal with the (possibly) bad outcome. FEAR...fear of him choosing alcohol over me. So many many fears. I weigh it out...on one hand, I go crazy while not talking to him about it, but he's still there and things are status quo. On the other hand, he MIGHT do something about it and things could be wonderful! I might not get the bad reaction that I FEAR. It's silly, crazy, insane. Maybe I should change my screen name to CrazyGeeg? :)
A goal for me: Have this sit down conversation about what is going on and boundaries by end of day Sat Jan 4th. That gives me time to prepare for it by meeting with my sponsor on Weds, and my kids don't come back to my house until Sunday. SO it's just him and me.
HEARTFELT thank you to you ALL!!!!! I feel very "needy" right now, but hopefully I can reply to other threads on this message board in the near future and share my ESH.
You have already given to us through your post as we recover together. I knew before I got married my husband drank too much. I was miserable, sad, mad, disgusted, nuts, etc. I did not know the disease of alcoholism, I did not know my disease of codependency, but I knew my gut was saying cancel the wedding; my pride would not let me. I was ashamed to admit I was making a mistake, I had 2 children from another marriage who had already seen one relationship fail....by golly I was determined to make this one work out! I see me in you. I talked to no one because I did not want to acknowledge the truth to me or anyone else...I was so prideful and arrogant. You are reaching out to us, which takes courage and your honesty is commendable. Be open to what you might hear and see for your life and have the humility to do take the best actions for you and your children. Blessings......
Aloha Geeg...you're getting the "love treatment" MIP style and you're right "it is hard...(no impossible) to watch a loved one slowly spiral down into the abyss" we know that and for right now for this family ...you are that loved one. You've hit our nerve and brought us back to where we were at one time...before we found the Family Groups and surrendered or abandoned the fight...walked off the battle field while the disease screamed for us to come back one more time. For me there wasn't a "one more time" because by the time I abandoned the field I had gone way past what sanity later told me was enough. I married my alcoholic/addict when I was planning to tell her I wouldn't because her drinking and using was way out of hand. I was going to tell her in the afternoon and in the morning the disease had her announce a future marriage in front of my mother. How much more cunning, powerful and baffling can it get? this much...I said yes when I mean't "Hell NO"!! I thought I loved her until another Al-Anon member taught me about being in love with being in love which has no other person in it...it's part of my addiction...it just looks good, sounds good, feels good in my mind. My mind...I came to understand why the last word of the 2nd step is sanity...I could not make rational sane decisions for myself or anyone else while under the influence and we were always under the influence alcohol or not. Early on in my Al-Anon recovery my sponsor told me "I was going to have to move away from all things alcohol" and out of trust for the fellowship which knew and had more experience than I did...I did just that and it included moving away from my entire family and my alcoholic/addict wife. I struggled with my addiction to her for the next 2+ years until I no longer craved her and then I relapse just once and never again. Last time I saw her she was clean and sober and my HP used(s) her as the metaphor for humility for me...thank you God...Good work Kathy (that is my name for her). So you're here and I'm sure that you understand that more than a handful here are also "doubles"; membership in both programs. We will identify ourselves as we wish if we wish. I am one...I know your story intimately also...been there; done that...born in it. Al-Anon is what saved my life from the get go. Al-Anon is to where my HP walked me into when I had already told both program they could screw off. I didn't like it or them and chances are I would have died alone because I was that close ...again.
Do you need to do another sit down with him? How many have you done already? How many has his sponsor and his fellowship? How many has treatment? How many times has he told himself honestly that he has a life threatening disease that can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence? He knows and he knows that he knows...he's not pulling anything over on anyone...it's taking him, owns him and he knows that and for today that is okay cause maybe like a sponsee's mother "God will come along and stop her even against her will and that will be the greatest miracle there is". The greatest miracle is the last word of the second step..."Came to believe that a power GREATER THAN OURSELVES could lead us to sanity".
You have special tools...going back and reading your post as if you were reading it as someone else is a rare...specail tool that some only have attained in this program of recovery...we get that detached look and then we question our, emotions and thinking and intentions and spirit. You are the one that is supposed to survive this fatal disease Geeg. You're the special one...no one else needs to stand by you or with you for your HP to tap you on the shoulder and whisper...we got work to do. You didn't choose this man to save him...more than likely you felt it would help save you and now he's leaving you for it. I wanna scream at that and then "It is what it is" helps me calm down and I remember a thing a friend taught me which helped me to understand my relationship with my alcoholic wife and also others. Quite simply its a saying, "I love you...I like having you here...and I don't need you".
Welcome to the board sister...you come with tools and your mind is still intact and open...Thank you God. Keep coming back...(((((hugs)))))
JERRY______You've hit our nerve and brought us back to where we were at one time...before we found the Family Groups and surrendered or abandoned the fight...walked off the battle field while the disease screamed for us to come back one more time. For me there wasn't a "one more time" because by the time I abandoned the field I had gone way past what sanity later told me was enough. I married my alcoholic/addict when I was planning to tell her I wouldn't because her drinking and using was way out of hand. I was going to tell her in the afternoon and in the morning the disease had her announce a future marriage in front of my mother. How much more cunning, powerful and baffling can it get? this much...I said yes when I mean't "Hell NO"!! I thought I loved her until another Al-Anon member taught me about being in love with being in love which has no other person in it...it's part of my addiction
*********************
OMG....the DAY b4 I married alkie #1, i was horseback riding w/my nieces and friends...my nieces are only a abit over a decade my juniour, so i was pretty good friends w/them....we are drinking a beer, sharing a 6 pack between 3 of us and riding our horses, and I wanted to scream "DONT DO IT" my heart KNEW i was making a big mistake....
I slept over my nieces house and she adn i shared her bed becuz we were such good friends....she knew i was distraught...she knew i was not happy w/me...with my choice...w/this decision
I was on the rebound from a potentially GOOD relationship where we had a spat over his travellng so much as a financial crimes investigator adn we had other issues that we COULD have worked out, but i was impatient....like Jerry said, I was in love with the IDEA of being in love.....
AND as an addictive personality, this guy i was marrying was my "new fix" my "new high" and it was a BAD high, I just knew it.........but i married him anyway, KNOWING i was messing up
and mess up i did....he drank, was nasty, abusive, dishonest about hsi drinking, partying, he was a JERK and a drunk....the addiction i could forgive bc an addict does not go to bed as a child and PRAY to be an alcoholic, but AH #1 was a total TURD on top of it....mean...nasty....manipulative....drinking made him worse...
oh yea, i can so relate to your "touching a common nerve" with so many of us and what Jerry says is soo spot on......OMG...i am reading this thread and I a m on my knees thanking my HP that I am no longer needing a "fix" on these fixer upper people, i am not addicted to chaos and drama and my CODA is in management b/c of programme... I am on my knees thanking HP and the programme that i am healthier...I have raised the price of admission to my heart.....I have moved me from bargain basement "sale items" to upstairs to sit next to the other jewels in the glass case....
No..I am worthy...worthy of a mutual, healthy, equal, safe, fun, relationship
in the old days, the old farmers used oxen....they would be yoked up in these heavy wooden "yokes" to pull the wagon ....if the oxen were "unevenly" yoked...like one pulling one way and the other the other way, they could and did, often, break their necks.....one or both would suffer a broken neck b/c they were not equal pulling that plow or wagon....they were UNevenly yoked....
when I am unevenly yoked w/another person, be it romance, friend or whatever, I can FEEL it..I can sense it....i am not at peace...I am doubting....questioning....i am anxious....dreading instead of being happily anticipating......I know when I am unevenly yoked now and I pay attention to my instincts and my good sense tht programme helped me to find
JUST sayin.........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hi and welcome. I'm glad you're here. Lots of good E/S/H here for you. I lived with a practicing A and my son is a practicing A. Marriage and motherhood didn't change anything and neither did Al-Anon - for them. It did change things for me. My x died early. My son is lucky to be alive and his life is a miserable experience for him. My life was a nightmare with my x. My life with my adult son has been similar. The difference between me as a married woman and me as a mother is that I know I can't live with an active A. That's what Al-Anon helped me learn. Much encouragement to you as you continue to process what is in your best interest according to the Al-Anon, AA programs and sponsors and your HP. Keep coming back.
Echoing what others have said here! I married my AH when he was sober, he stayed dry for 15 years but was never treated for any of his mental health issues. It was when he started drinking again that I found Al Anon. I had MANY red flags come about when we were dating and then when we were engaged. I ignored them all and lived in denial for MANY MANY years.
You already know what it takes to get sober. You know what it takes to stay that way. Encouraging you to turn to your HP, turn it all over to him, and search your heart for the truth. Your truth and what is best for you. You got lots of great advice so I'll just follow it all up and say welcome to the boards and that I'm praying you find peace and serenity in your situation! HUGS
Again, congratulations for taking care of you by getting into recovery these past 2.5 yrs.
By doing this, it tells me you don't want alcohol controlling your life.
You have taken charge of what you can control: your own choices and your life.
Heres where I get stuck though.
By inviting "alcohol"into your life (through your planned marriage), are you still making the choice you want to live with? The choice that fits with the life you control (yours)?
I meet with my sponsor in a few hours. I am both looking forward to it and dreading it. I'm sure it will be a long meeting. I am having a bit of a pity party for myself today. And it sucks. I know it's dumb and I can't seem to help myself. I am just very annoyed by everything about him today, and wanting to talk to him about it. He even asked me what was bothering me and if it was him. I told him that it was just me, in my own head. He walked away while I was still talking. We are kinda of ignoring each other today. I am having a hard time figuring out if the way he acts is directly because of the drinking/hiding/lying/internal struggles he has going on, or if it's me, or if some of the things bugging me about him are just HIM, not the disease. And it's probably some of ALL of that. He likes to ask what is wrong with me when I"m quieter than usual, and asks if it's him, yet the times I have (as nicely as possible) brought up what it is about him/us that is bugging me, he gets defensive or just says in a dismissive terse way that it won't happen again or that he needs to work on him. He feels that when I want to keep talking about an issue and trying to figure out they why's and the ways we can work on it or figure out a different way to address it, that i'm just badgering him trying to get him to see I'm right and he is wrong and that it's MY way or no way. And that is NOT the truth of it. I would rather hash it out and find a compromise or some mutual understanding than just ignore things and hope they will pass. They never do, resentments build. I don't know if this is the disease talking, or just how he is, or I"m being unreasonable and he's justified in what he is saying. The bottom line is that I am increasingly resentful and unhappy. THE TALK needs to happen, but I DREAD (more than you know) his response and the eventual outcome.
I guess I'm whining and venting. To answer a few of you above, NO I do not want alcohol in my life, including via my fiance. I know the happy man he can be. It makes me sad to see him like this, but he is in denial (outwardly at least) and probably wouldn't admit to most things he feels. He has not grasped the rigorous honesty of the program. One of the BEST feelings of being sober and working my program is knowing that I am honest and have nothing to hide. Feels amazing. But being faced with his dishonesty is so hard.
Sponsor will surely have some words for me tonight, like you all have. Will i be brave enough to act on them and deal with it? I honestly don't know. .... .....
-- Edited by Geeg on Wednesday 1st of January 2014 05:52:22 PM
I hope it went well last night. The experience of him asking if it is him bugging you, then not wanting to talk about it, oh yes, I have had that as well. In my case it's even worse, because I'm not much of a feelings kinda guy, so I really don't enjoy sharing time like she does when she is sober. But for the most part, that kind of thing was caused by the alcohol.
THE TALK doesn't need to happen necessarily, I think. THE TALK usually winds up in arguments because behind every TALK the A first sees it that you are probably trying to make the alcohol go away. Then he takes it and twists it so that it's your fault. And then you get confused, upset, and give up or lash out. Or at least that is what has happened with me and my AW.
For me, keeping it simple is best when she is not sober. State a boundary line, and the consequence for crossing it. I try hard not to let her complicate it, because she will if I permit it. Then the statement is done, and we can move on.
