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Hey all--I am visiting my family 800 miles away from my AH who has been working a program for nearly 4 years, with a relapse unfortunately about every 6 months. He told me he was going to visit his college drinking buddy overnight tonight and unlike the previous days that we've been away from each other (I am visiting my family and have our 3 kids with me and he is visiting his) he has not contacted me today. Last year (we visit family separately --long story) while I was gone, he drank and ended up in jail. Six months later --out if the blue--he drank in June and I insisted he leave until he had a plan. Here we are--6 months later-- and even though I am 800 miles away and can do NOTHING, I am worried and obsessed about the likelihood of him drinking tonight. I know that because of his bizarre, often violent behaviour when he is drinking, I will have to divorce him if he is doing this again. I moved out once for 11/2 years and we reunited after he got sober. I need a serenity adjustment for my worry right now. I go to f2f meetings and I had a helpful phone conversation with my sponsor about this, but I could really use some ESH that if he is drinking tonight, that regardless, I and my children will be OK. I guess that's it...I am so worried about myself and my kids if he is drinking and either gets in trouble tonight or relapses and resumes drinking. I need an adjustment to go beyond seeing my powerlessness over his behaviours and choices, but see that I have choices and I am going to be OK.
Any comments are greatly appreciated. Love!
Crazycatlady
You are not alone. I am glad you reached out and shared. This is a difficult time of year so that fear and anxiety wants to jump in and take over. Instead you picked up your alanon tools, called your sponsor and reached out here. You are doing well. We do have choices, I always forced myself to remember that HP does not give us anything that He does not give us " the Power to carry out". This reality always helped me to regain my courage and serenity
Keep the focus on yourself, pray, stay in the moment and in the day and believe that if HP brings you to it He will also bring you through it.
well it appears that you know what to do, how to take care of you, you seem to accept that you cannot do anything about him, but to bail if this persists, but the "getting it off my mind thingy"
what i do is deliberately distract me.....i have even gotten on my iphone and "gamed" with my card games to STOP obsessing about something
OR watch a good movie, talk to someone about something totally different....and of course the serenity prayer and working the steps, slogans, but sometimes I just "zone" out and do something FUN or at least pleasantly distracting...becuz its like you said...OUT of your hands....so do something fun for you and the kiddos......thats what i would do.....deal when you have to and when you CAN...you are 800 mi. away....so deal when, if, you have to......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
What iffing...expectations and a few more liabilities back when would sink my ship soooo fast and send me to the bottom of the ocean. Then my sponsor told me that if I wanted balance in my thinking for every "what if" I should also do a "what if not" and follow thru with the thinking until I reached a conclusion. I also learned ...realistic expectations which was about not expecting the alcoholic/addict to behave in a way she was not in the habit of. When I expected that she would drink and use and she did it didn't surprise me or get me down. If she didn't I was pleasantly surprised...not out of the world...just pleasantly. Sobriety is normal...drunk is not. Obsessing? I don't like or today allow anyone to own my peace of mind and serenity without my permission and I don't give my permission for that very often. Qualified trust also goes with the realistic expectations. Trust him for who he is really and then let what ever happens happen when it does; not before or constantly. You're one the unmanagability part of the first step...good that you are looking for and asking for more management feedback. What consequences do you want for today? Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Obsessing is the disease whispering terrors into my ear and then growing stronger as I become more fearful. I can switch to a healthier thought process by keeping to the facts and positive things.
I agree that keeping the focus on us helps us see our choices more clearly.
I thank you all so much. Each of you have said such valuable things that are resonating with me. Your ESH and feedback is just what I need. Thank you again and again!
Keep it coming! :)
Crazycatlady!
It's so so difficult to know there's nothing we can do about this disease on behalf of our As. I have also been in a scenario where my (soon to be ex)AH was far from me geographically and for me, at least, that magnifies the anxiety. You are definitely not alone! For what it's worth at some point I just started saying to myself..he may drink or he may not, and I have nothing to do with it; after a while instead of feeling panicked about that I felt relief. I hope you are feeling some peace with your family and children too.
My AW got a DUI while I was on business trip in Canada (600 miles away or so) this happened Friday, and I had to stay until Tuesday.
I had no choice while I was at work than to stay distracted, so that actually helped. I also went on a hike and visited around town on the weekend. I took care of what I could, and prayed and distracted the rest of the time.
Just knowing there was nothing else I could do was a blessing for me.
