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Well I can't talk much about particulars, .. I can share that my stbax is in the throws of his disease and his diseased thinking .. I feel pity for him. At this point this is a step right direction .. however .. it will be YEARS before I feel anything except distrust for him if he forces this child to go up on the stand against him. He's now involved our daughter. She and I have been called to testify against him for the OP violation. He's been in desperate mode to contact the kids over the past week and a half. I guess his court date on the 19th must have reminded him that Christmas was coming. I know that was mean .. however there was no court in the month of November. No contact during that time and now he's freaking out. It's been daily and it's upsetting our daughter.
Her feeling is why now and she's been served to testify .. now is not the time to rebuild a relationship .. he's so obvious he has to be obtuse in his methods. So at this point her feeling is that he's been notified or should have that she's set to testify against him. He listens so well NOT. I feel awful for her .. this is the package all over again .. he just doesn't listen and it's all about him. Welcome to alcoholism and addiction it's never about considering anyone else has feelings.
It's a sad situation to say the least and I know I'm not winning popularity contests in terms of parent of the year award. I believe she needs to face him. She has experienced the same gaslighting (I looked that word up and I experienced this at the fullest in the last 4 years of our relationship. He's now transferred this behavior to her and that is NOT ok) that I have over the years and he can do that to someone else this is a principles above personality issue for me. While the courts can't make him be the dad the kids deserve they can hold him accountable for his choices. Both her and I need to state in open court what we have both been subjected to with his emotional and mental terrorism. I was a shell of a person a few years ago .. I accept my responsibility for my part in becoming that shell .. I didn't get there alone. Being told I didn't see things, being told things didn't happen the way they did and so on .. it is not ok.
Anyway, .. has anyone else been through court with their kid? What are some things you wish you had done differently? What are some things I can be on the look out for? Should he be contacting her? Can I call the victim services and get some kind of protection for her?
Thanks in advance, S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Im sorry serenity, I cant help with the courts or legalities but I looked up gasligiting too and its nasty stuff. You have resposibility for youe dauhters mental health and if hes doing this to her then maybe legal protection is the way to go. When I left my ex, he tried some of his crap with my daughter but she was old enough to see through him. I hope you get the answers you are looking for.x
I think el-cee makes good sense to me.....daughter needs your protection.....maybe some legal advice is in order...there are measures we can employ to protect a minor child......Sorry, I have not been in this situation so cannot do anything but say I agree with el-cee
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Perfect resource.....call your local abuse hotline for advice. They will connect you with the right people/agencies so you can have the advice and guidance you deserve for yourself and daughter. Prayers coming your way!
Victim services is a good help source...call them and ask for help. YWCA may also have help for you. I use to work with kids...one of the tools was impowerment to see things as they really are and they to openly speak it. ((((hugs))))
El-cee and the others are spot on. Please seek victim services protection for your daughter.
I did whatever I could to keep my daughter away from being dragged into her dad's and my divorce; she was already over-burdened from the fall-out of her dad's active disease. I had sacrificed a lot, but nothing I sacrificed, or the sum of, was nearly as important as my daughter's well-being.
Regarding his contacting her or not seems best answered by someone qualified to assess how this impacts your daughter. (Generally, it is good for parents to be involved with their children- but the disease can change the landscape where contact could be harmful.)
I know somewhat about legal proceedings and remedies but can only offer generalities since I'm unfamiliar with other states etc. I'm sorry but I don't recall your daughters age. If she is young a lawyer should be appointed by the court to represent her and can best advise on legalities in your area. I don't know what kind of court you need to appear at but if you call the Children, Youth & Family department or whatever they call it in your State they can tell you what to do. If she is at risk, it is important to find who can help her best. Call the court clerk and ask for info on who helps protect children. I'm pulling for you. In our system, a person is entitled to face his/her "accuser" in court...in this case that would be you and your daughter. Different judges do this differently so best contact a family law attorney in the area. They will know your options and who to contact. Even if you cant afford a private lawyer, most will give you the info to help you get what you need. Good luck. Didn't mean to go all lawyer but its like trying to get directions in Greece and you only know English.
She's 14 and she gets what is going on. For the most part I tried to keep the kids out of things. They will ask questions based upon their dad's behavior and I try to just be open and honest. Specifically my daughter she must have observed a couple of things I was unaware of .. she has asked some pointed questions and at 14 it does her a disservice not to be honest. Plus her dad has inadvertently told her things he just knew she had seen (she had not or they were complete falsehoods, his obsession that I'm seeing other men) and .. it opened a Pandora's box that needed to be closed. I can't afford more arty bills .. a guardian would be 1$ k .. it's unreal. I have already paid out 14 $ k in arty fees. My divorce is no where close to being done. Involving another arty makes my skin crawl. There is nothing to fight over. This is about anger for him and punishing me financially because he suffers he wants me to suffer. Never seeing how it hurts the kids as well he's a very sick man. He's thousands of dollars behind at this point and his attitude is the burden of proof is in me to prove it. Honestly I'm in this kind of scary place of I don't care what happens to him. I don't care if he loses his job, I don't care if he goes to jail for a year which is what is at stake, I don't care if he hurts himself because of the outcome, I lack any kind of compassion for him. He's caused so much chaos, hurt, and just disrespect towards the kids and myself especially .. I just don't have anything left to give to him.There is detachment and I'm a place of ambivalence .. I think that's the right word for it .. I can tell you all if what I should feel and the right words of what I should say ..he's a child of God and he's sick .. he's the father of my kids, someone's son, brother, uncle and so .. my ability to see him as a fellow human is not there. I have been pushed to a point of complete disregard and yet I'm not angry or bitter .. I'm just done. My kids have sensed this break in me emotionally towards him. I was angry when we were served it moved more into disbelief after and acceptance very quickly it is what it is. Our daughter is prepared to testify and wants to regardless of the outcome. This is separate from the OP and unfortunately domestic violence services won't get involved at this point. It's just to complicated. I prayed some more about the situation tonight and I'm so very grateful and thank you for your responses.I updated the time lines I have after posting the original post read through them. I'm going to wait and see if he continues to try to contact the kids. I don't want to be viewed as over reactive. I do have some options .. I would rather not go down those roads. We will see what happens next. My son said to me mom how is sissy going to go over to dads after all this? I told him Sissy has an outlet to get all the icky stuff out ... I'm actually more concerned about your dad and his behavior towards Sis after this is over even though he insisted on causing this to happen. So we pray his arty sees fit to make a plea deal and your dad has a change of heart and stops this before it comes to trial. He's a very sad sick man. My little yoda .. daddy shouldn't do this to sissy. No honey, he shouldn't and I have moments of pity for him because he can't see beyond himself. Thank you for being here .. I find light when it all feels dark.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity: My x did things similar to yours. I kept trying to protect my kids from the fallout and the lies. I did all I could to keep them safe from the affects of the disease and to get healthier myself. In the end, I couldn't protect them to the degree I wanted to do it. When my daughter started into high school, her Dad started comparing her to me and treating her poorly. Fortunately, she had seen her Dad's true colors before the fallout began. She didn't believe a lot of what he tried to tell her about me, but my son did. He also ignored her a lot of her growing up years "because she was the good one who didn't need his attention" unless she said something he didn't like and then "she was turning out just like that bit.. of a mother she had." She was harmed. My son was harmed. I couldn't protect them from everything, but I could keep my daughter as far away from her Dad's disease as possible and with people who encouraged her and supported her in healthy ways without downing her Dad to her.
As Betty has often said, this is a horrible disease. I've learned that for all my effort and prayers, I haven't been able to save my kids from its destructive nature. I have been able to be there for them and to care for them as best as any human being in my circumstances - or in yours for that matter - can do. The rest of it is in God's hands. My daughter is 36. She has lots of issues and she has lots of strengths. She misses her Dad and still knows her Dad wasn't a very good Dad to her. She chooses to focus more on what he did well than what he did poorly. She now tells me how grateful she is that I never talked badly about her Dad although he talked badly about me. I couldn't save her from the hell that disease put us all through, but I was able to maintain a relationship to her that as she said on Christmas Eve was one in which she has "never, ever doubted my love for her." My son has told me the same thing.
You love your children, Serenity. You aren't going to be able to change the way this disease disrupts their lives or their Dad behaves. But you can continue to work your program, cherish your children, and trust that what you can't do their HP will handle. I was very angry and bitter towards my x and his treatment of me and my kids which actually masked the "rest of the story" for me. I felt powerless to do what I wanted to do - save my kids from the effects of the disease with its twists, turns and evil. I had to accept that being there for them as a woman who cherished them, supported them, loved them, tried to protect them, guided them, fed, clothed, disciplined, educated them and did what a Mom will do to take good care of their young was all I could do at times and that had to be enough. I hated that reality, but it was what it was. I was powerless not only over the disease and its effects on me and my x, I was powerless over the affects of that disease on my kids. Accepting that reality broke my heart and helped me let go of what I couldn't do and turn that part over to the God of my understanding. I did that reluctantly. But, I did it.
Many hugs and lots of care, Serenity. We can endure a lot of what goes on in an alcoholic marriage, but when it comes to our kids - ahhhhhh, for me that was and is the toughest part. (((S))) I learned that the more I fought what was happening, the more it snowballed. When I could accept my powerlessness over the disease, my x and the effects on my kids, the more I could find peace in the arms of my HP.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 30th of December 2013 06:47:44 AM
I understand and you aren't alone- I am in a similar situation. As you, I have been honest with my daughter, who started asking questions when 7 years old and is now 22. She is there for me (and vice versa without restrictions) when I absolutely need to talk, but I do my best to keep it to bare minimum as is her preference.
What is important is keeping safe, finding happiness despite A's turmoil, moving on with life the best you can, letting go of things that are no longer serving you (whatever that may turn up to be).
Hugs and prayers.
-- Edited by bud on Monday 30th of December 2013 08:12:11 AM
Well, a fast follow up to what took place today. Based upon talking to my daughter's therapist she brought up some very valid points. First off her and I are on the same page as far as stbax and his behavior towards our daughter. It's way to much of a coincidence that he's contacting her now. Presents, just appears to be getting inside her head .. she's not giving any information and he's doing a weird probing. Its very open ended questions he's asking. Bottom line is I'm looking into multiple things victim advocacy can help with .. contact, court proceedings and so on. It's very good. She's in agreement the state is laying out their cards in terms of how air tight the case against him is and his arty is going to poop his pants because trust me no one wants to be the guy putting a kid on a stand. He's going to look bad and for nothing really. Plus his chances at the divorce stuff is going to hurt him bad to and I'm actually talking about the arty. So I got s lot accomplished and just waiting for calls back now. :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
