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So update on my son.. So much has happened.. After falling into his trap of manipulation.. And me admitting NOW.. I knew what I was getting myself into. My son called me on Friday around 10 pm collect.. He said "mom I F'up" I'm cold.. I'm on such and such corner.. I said I'll call 911 and of course ran to him. The ambulance took him to the ER and again he was dehydrated and had not eaten in a while.. Well they released him and the SLE place said we can not take him in if he truly does not want help. Well for me they took him in and they had a house meeting with others there and me and my son. He told him yes he is depressed this time is harder then before.. But he wants help. I told my son I love you but you CHOSE to leave do not call me all doors are closed to you and also if you know to call me call 911 they will be the only ones to help you. And after figure it out.. I will not so this no more!!! Well each young man in the house said to him that what your mom needs to do is close all doors in you.. And she should our mothers did.. I then left. All I can do is work very hard on me and pray for me and for him to surrender!! He wants help he says its hard because of the substance he abuses. I feel very depressed because here I go again because I'm not working my program and it's hard when your Sponser barely has time for anything any more.. And my only strong meeting is only on Mondays.. I need more and in my area there is not much for me, but there is a lot for him and if he truly wants the help then he needs to leave me alone and work on him. So I can work on me.. I have faith in god.. I'm just depressed because I've allowed myself again to get here where I am at..
I'm glad your son is safe and warm again. I can't tell you what I would have done....you just don't know if unless you live it. I have not gone through my son on the streets, cold, hungry and scared calling me. I pray I never have to go through it.
I pray you continue to seek help for you.....you are not alone.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I have gone through that, Gaby. I didn't go. I didn't go because I would have put myself in harm's way. I could tell from the way my son talked with me and to me that the disease just wanted to be comfortable again. It didn't want help to sober up. It wanted help to keep doing what it had always done. There was nothing I could do but care for myself and for my responsibilities. I prayed. I told him I loved him. I told him no. I let God do what God would in relationship to him. I'd really had enough of all the drama. I didn't want to crawl back onto the merry-go-round. F2F meetings continued to help ground me as did my sponsor. When my sponsor wasn't available, people in the fellowship were able to help me help myself stay the course of staying out of his life and out of his drama.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 29th of December 2013 05:40:45 PM
((((Gaby)))) You're living your own definition of your own addiction...You're doing what he's doing...he's using chemicals and you're using him. I once heard that my alcoholic/addict could not NOT use and drink the way she was and that the compulsion and addiction owned her and then I was taught by the fellowship that it was exactly the way I was doing things...I practiced "Admitting I was powerless and that my life had become unmanagable" over and over and over and then came to the understanding that only a "Power greater than myself...could lead me to sanity". I practiced until I got it and then I turned her over to God and didn't take her back. Faith and Trust were tools I had to learn with practice. I stopped saying to myself and others, "I won't do that again...I hadn't yet learned how". Keep practicing. ((((hugs))))
Gaby, dont be too hard on yourself, you seem much more accepting and more willing, your getting there and thats progress. This must be one of the hardest things in the world to do and your heading in the right direction. You may be faced with opportunities to practice letting go and it does get easier especially when we face up to the fact that what we did previously was enabling and helps them get deeper in the disease. Do you have the steps and daily readers? These will help you out of your depression. Also, tbe step forum here is really helpful too.x
Jerry said You're living your own definition of your own addiction...You're doing what he's doing...he's using chemicals and you're using him.
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I agree.....until you STOP....LET GO.....DETACH.....practice programme and the STEPS....SLOGANS....you are going to be enmeshed/addicted to your son......Jerry could not be more right......
People have ESH'd you on this board suggested to the moon and back stuff you can do to help you....You are either going to save yourself or not.........I would really pray on what Jerry says, here....Hes been there and done that......let 2014 be the year you work your program and LET HIM BE!!! as long as you enable or help in anyway, you sabotage his hitting bottom and being , hopefully, forced to ask for help via AA and rehab......Have you read any of the literature suggested to you??? are you working the steps???? what does your sponsor suggest??? have you paid attention to your meeting mates what they are doing re: the solution??? I hope you are going to meetings either face2face or online...after meet there are folks who "hang out" and you can ask for suggestions...what they did in their situation......
its TIME to work on the SOLUTION and that is ALANON and ALANON is about US...for US...to help US...not the drinker or user...they have to turn to their program.............God bless and take care
-- Edited by neshema2 on Sunday 29th of December 2013 07:19:22 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Gaby, I get where you are at. For a long time I knew I should say "no", then I watched myself say "yes". I would literally go get him food, pick him up & give him a ride, buy him some cigarettes, give him cash (so embarrassing to admit that). The whole time saying to myself, "what are you doing?" Habit? Fear he'd do something crazy if I didn't help him? (LOL, he's an addict, how much worse could that be?) Think this would be the time that would lead to him getting better? I was so sick, so about putting him first (that's what mom's do, put their kids first, right?), thinking I could fix/save him, so co-dependent.. I had a major health issue come up 2 years ago, only then did it become crystal clear that I needed to put myself first and let him do whatever it was he would do. And even then, it was hard to do. I don't think anyone can simply flip a switch and go from yes to no. It's a process, it's a program. Progress is not perfect, but any progress is better than doing the same, again and again and again. You are not alone, keep working at it, you will get it. Don't be scared, what's going to happen to you is in your control, focus on that. What's going to happen to your son, that's in his control. He told you to let him live his life, listen to him and give him the dignity of figuring it out. It might not be pretty, it might take some time, but it is his journey. Hang in there! (((((hugs)))))
This is anything but easy. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. Switch your focus and distract yourself, take a walk, do something to pamper yourself (bubble bath, candles, read a book, watch a movie that keeps your focus and/ or makes you smile), call friends, call someone from the Alanon phone list, volunteer, etc. Eat nutritiously, get enough sleep- HALT -ask yourself if you are getting hungry, angry, lonely, or tired and then be sure to balance yourself.
I know that many times I pray and try to give it to HP, but later realize that I've been offering one end to HP while holding on with a death grip to the other end like it was the last piece of chocolate in the universe.... letting go takes a ton of practice.
I understand completely, Gaby....we are afraid that our child will die unless we step in and try to stop that from happening.
(((Gaby)))
Alanon has taught me, though, that as much as i might wish it, I dont have the power to keep my adult child, who has his own will and who makes his own choices, from dying (i think we keep thinking we can still protect our children from harm because when the child was an infant, we could hold them in our arms and keep them safe, but our children are no longer infants). Heartbreaking, but true.
