The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
she went to crisis intervention ctr, rehab, left rehab ama, faked sobriety, attempted suicide, was hospitalized, send to state hosp as 1013, then another rehab for a month, which worked...she has been out for 3 mos. she goes to 2-3 mtgs a day plus out pt counceling and meds. she is proud of her monthly time sober achievements and posts pics of her chips on facebook, she's no longer hiding it.
she told us when she was up to step 3. now when we ask her how she's doing on her steps she snaps back that it is none of our biz, that it's between her and her sponsor.
she lives with us, we are paying all of her bills in addition to living expenses. we want her to get well and work full time again, as she is sinking us financially. she works part time in our biz, but she does not put forth full effort. when she left rehab, the councelor said there was no reason that she could not work full time. it almost feels as if she uses the multiple meetings a day and various extra aa activities as an excuse to avoid work and home responsibilities. she says she has to hang out and socialize before and after the meetings, so a one hour meeting turns into 3 hours. (including a half hour drive time each way). plus the gas money adds up. she now has a boyfriend she met at the mtgs, who is much older than her, with 2 children who not live with him, and he is on disability, so he apparently has plenty of time to hang out, and my husband thinks he is preying on her as they are not supposed to date their meeting members, esp so soon into recovery.
we want her to work her steps and concentrate on her recovery program and not get sidetracked.
Others will weigh in on this, but as a Mom in Al-Anon, reading this share my first thought is that she shared with you until she had others in the program to go to now. If she's sober, I'd be glad for that and work my own program and notice what step I'm on at the time. An A can lie about the step they are on just as they can lie about being sober when they're not.
I can also understand your concerns and think Al-Anon will be a big help to you and to your husband since sobriety is no cake walk for us or for our sober loved ones either. It takes time for our As to mature and grow. It takes time for us to let go and let God where we truly don't have control. Al-Anon and MIP are a good place to greet and meet other parents who have had similar experiences. Keep coming back. Many prayers and positive thoughts for you, your husband and your daughter who is trying to save her life in her program in ways she sees are right for her for now. If she continues working her program, she will also be able to take on more responsibilities but it takes time.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 29th of December 2013 04:06:19 PM
I don't think it's your business per say. I do think it's your prerogative aince your are "helping" her and you don't want that to become "enabling" to say that you are pleased with her sobriety but you hope she keeps working on becoming independent and responsibile.
Simply put, (speaking as an AA member) - Dating that early on within the rooms is going to bite her in the ass. She can go to 2 meetings a day AND work full time too. I did it. Though she really only needs to go to 1 meeting a day probably for now. It's your prerogative to give whatever feedback you want as her parents but don't expect it will change her.
I might set up deadlines for when she needs to have a full-time job, be paying you rent or move out. Those are reasonable boundaries and it can be explained as you just wanting her to regain functioning and to make as full a recovery as possible. If she wants to be on disability, she can apply for it and live in section 8 housing on her own. There are folks in AA that are only willing to recover to that degree and they hang out in the rooms like it's a job rather than rejoining society.
You are powerless over how much she recovers just like you are over her addiction. Set boundaries that you can live with. This would involve not supporting lazy behaviors and irresponsibility or cosigning BS about how AA takes 6 hours a day. it doesn't. It takes constant contact and spiritual connection with or HP - step work, a reall desire and willingness to change - not old behavior of being dependent on people and places (meetings and AA boyfriend substituting partying/clubbing and druggie boyfriends).
Welcome I am so very happy to read that your daughter is working on her recovery. I suggest that you and your partner search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and plan to attend.
Living with the disease of alcoholism is difficult. It is in alanon meetings that I learned how to reclaim my life and know what to expect from the disease .
You are not alone and there is help
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 29th of December 2013 05:52:08 PM
Hot Rod's experience and awareness is also my own...I admitted I was powerless over alcohol...alcoholic...alcoholism. My alcoholic/addict stopped drinking and using chemicals and then started using the program like a cross addiction and then she went "back out". When she stopped drinking and using she didn't get "normal". If your daughter has been using and drinking for any length of time she has got a way of living she not only has to give up and also has to change in order to be of support and responsibility in the family at work or just in life. Expectations of her? Expect little for no...its too soon. AA is a mutual experience community...they will hang with each other because of that common steel cable...drinking, using and terminal uniqueness. Look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in your local white pages and find out where and when we get together in your area and come as early as you can to learn what it is that we have learned that saved our sanity and lives. Keep coming back to MIP also. ((((hugs))))
if this were me, i would #1..get into alanon meetings, work the steps w/a good sponsor, work the slogans and get "right with me and my HP" THEN
when strong enough or sick enough of her not helping out, I would say "you have until ..............to get a job...help out w/expenses, YES work your program, but you gotta help with rent or room and board here, and help w/house chores etc., or you need to get another place"
Hopefully she is not "gaming you" and she is really trying to work a program.....by getting YOUR stuff in order through alanon meetings, and step work with a good sponsor, you will know....you will learn boundaries and you will have developed the strength to back up those boundaries....boundaries are for us, putting limits on what we will accept/not accept....THEN we stand to the boundary by saying that if this continues, i will do such and such..........
I would make her contribute as much as she can while she gets back on her feet...this sounds like she is just using you guys......however the best thing for you to do is get into your own program so your eyes are wide open.....then you can tell her what you want in order for her to keep staying there...
she is adult....she needs to be helping out as much as she can while she works program and does other things to get on her feet....you are not her babysitter or her "bank" or "free hotel"......life is not a free ride......
Please use what you can and leave the rest........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome, keep coming back! I too had an A child, and my first response to your question, is No. Do not ask her what step she is working on. Do realize she didn't get here over night (nor you) and it will take time to heal. Also keep in mind, A's will lie, cheat and steal to get what they want. Without flinching. Meetings do Not take 6 hrs a day.
I once heard a saying, A's pay attention to what we (the AlAnoners) Do rather than what we say, and we (the AlAnoners) pay attention to what the A's say rather than what they do! Great food for thought on our downfalls. So, get involved, keep coming here and your face to face meetings, find a sponsor for yourself if you haven't and keep working it! Consider your boundaries to ensure you are not enabling her as well. I've known alanoners who have enabled for decades and never saw themselves and the harm they caused. It is sad and a path none of us want to take. Keep working the program! It Does work:) Best to you and your family as you embark on your new normal. Hugs!
I use the steps as tools to work and rework to a healthier way of thinking as my way to process what life delivers. For example, there are so many times that I've worked a step and return to step 1. If someone were to ask me what step I am working, it doesn't really speak to the sum of my progress, but more to what step I'm working for a situation where healthier thinking provides serenity.
The greatest opportunity for all is when everyone is working their program. It is not so important what step someone else is working on as is our own recovery process. Here's why- Living with someone who has this disease is too much for most of us to handle on our own. She's early in recovery and it takes time to change... but no one can force her to do it. Dive into Alanon, face-to-face meetings, read MIP posts and continue to post- learn all that you can about the disease and how it affects us and what can be done to improve our situation.
Thank you all for taking the time to help me. I have read and reread your answers, and have shared them with my husband as well. I am trying to understand everything and apply it.
Our son is A too, but he is in denial. It sure makes you feel like a failure as a parent when both of your children turn out to be A. I have fleetingly tried to make myself feel better by wondering what the parents of murderers must feel like. That's a horrible thought to use for perspective I know.
I can understand why there are steps for aa. I can understand why there are steps for al-anon, but I just do not understand why they are the same steps. If it's not supposed to be my fault, then what bad things do I need to confess and who do I need to make amends to?
