The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, Christmas was beautiful .. it was spent divided however because of the family disease .. My mother is dying and I'm watching family come together (the girls) .. and watching the isolation, the defects take them over .. (no judgments, criticisms, i have my own) .. I spent 13 years with an addict and have never experienced so much emotional, mental, physical chaos in me and in his family anywhere .. up to now .. i have begun to watch my Own family behave the way his family did once i got recovery with gradual more and more changes to disclude me accompanied by targeting .. it wasn't that I was walking around stepping, it was that I was changing for the better .. not better than them .. my eyes were just breaking free from denial .. As I gain recovery in my own family I am seeing it clearer as well .. when I have a voice my role is changing and it is absolutely unaccepted .. in fact, i am watching me become more of acomplete outcast and I can Actually see them almost enjoying it (on the surface) .. i read, i step, i meet with my own sponsor often, and i sponsor 3 others .. I try to show up with love and kindness in words, or action . but the ultimate reality is .. i am different than i used to be .. healthier more trustable unsafe because I am looking at who i am for the first time .. i've never been anything but a what .. someones sister, partner, daughter, depressed confused anxious isolated sad etc .. i'm completely sad to see this .. unsafe for them because they still look at what they are rather than who they are .. they look at me this way too ..
Christmas eve morning, God was good .. I was on Such a spiritual high because I finally receieved a little better understanding .. I have been around the feeling of Importance for near 40 + years .. I watch my sisters parade around in their importance struts, me secretly wanting to be the same .. (just for a night for unity .. sick really) i finally get the Important is the defect .. In order to be important, however, what do they need to do to get there .. someone's gotta be unimportant and for years that was me, my mother, and at times my younger brother, etc .. God is good because on a compassionate and deeper level, he showed me the Greater good .. me vs them .. what they Need to survive .. how they actually help Eachother survive' in their defects .. how many more benefit (just for the time) by allowing the defect to remain .. he could pull me out of everything just like that but doesn't cuz he sees the Greater good .. i have seen the survival before but this time much deeper aware ..
Still I am full of daggers and shocked .. my sisters and i did not spend christmas together .. i am outcasted now and cannot believe what I am seeing .. 8 years in recovery .. so many families harmed through disease .. my own coming to a close .. i'm really just shaking my head and can't Believe my own eyes .. I am watching my family Unknowingly act the Same way the addicts did .. know know know it happens but the level this time ..
What scares me Most .. I feel God is closing The door as Tightly as the door was closed with the addict .. Near permanent. With my mother dying and my father close behind .. My life is changing Completely .. My health is hanging in physically and I haven't been feeling well .. the disease though in my mind I'm better is taking a toll physically and emotionally .. sometimes even spiritually .. just needed to share .. I am so tired .. I see the chaos that was passed down even through me to my children .. feel like I am insaturated with the disease .. need to resatturate with recovery .. and of course being surrounded by the very very end stages of dymentia .. sad to see it's like we all have dymentia .. disease of forgetfulness for me .. i need constant reminders and an open mind .. i am resentful but grateful .. thanks for being here ..
Nowhere in this am i criticising, etc.. i know today what I judge in others is either in me or used to be .. just so sad to see it .. i am so powerless to take away everything ..
I, too, experienced a new look at my family as I continued recovery in Al-Anon and their disease continue unchecked. I was totally wiped out by the unexpected "seeing" and the unexpected maltreatment of my siblings after my Mom's death and my Dad's decline. It took me awhile to grieve the family I thought I had and accept the family we were - each with our own role to play in a drama that was death-dealing to all of us. I couldn't change them or the disease's progression, but I could accept that I didn't like what I was seeing or feeling and that I was being given an opportunity to keep on playing my part in our family's dance, or keep on working my program. I chose the program. I knew where not working the program would lead.
Much support for you as you continue to work your program, grieve what was and open yourself to what is here for you now! Lots of hugs, too. It's hard to wake up to reality as it presents itself to us sometimes and it hurts deeply - at first. Then, not so much. Then, not at all. (((M)))
Grateful said what she said so truthfully, as did you. I love when I hear others express such a range of emotions at one time, it really is like a beautiful symphony with the blend of so many notes...pain, sorrow, gratitude, fear, joy and, through recovery, we can let them all breathe together as we live fully in the moment and make choices that are best for us. And what I say here may make no sense when it is all said and done, as your post is so perfect for me to read as I am trying to ground myself (I love how you said re saturate) today after spending a few days in the family "stuff". Responding to posts and pm's is like journaling for me.
I have found that the less I contribute to the family denial, or say what I "see", the more I (or my daughters) will be scapegoated. This is done by my sister-in-law and two of her daughters. They belong to a woman haters club(teehee). I know from my work that when the "tribe" feels threatened by one "leaving" the tribe (no longer being like one of "them"), the arrows come out! My work is to not take it personally, and, around the holidays that is so tough!!!! So, knowing who their "fresh meat" was this year, my youngest daughter chose not to go (with our support) and my hubbie and I bought tickets to see a movie later in the eve so our time together had a beginning and ending time. I had already decided if the passive aggressive behaviours occurred we would graciously exit the premise!
Today is a day of regrouping...I took my hubby to the airport and I am just as happy as a little piglet in poo poo.
It takes great courage to do the work you do and stand strong in your truths, but it is so worth it. You have you and have a prosthetic family here and in other parts of your life. Big Hug!!!
Thanks so much to you both; for the hope .. i'm dealing with a death in the physical process but have been dealing with death for the past several years .. Feeling the dying of the old .. with my mother, i was able to see the transformation process towards life .. hope that's ok to see .. helped me see i am in a recovery process even more than a disease process when i keep working the work and moving through ..
pp your post jumped out to me in the perfect timing .. i see it .. the more i say something (anything) the more i am scapegoated .. i sent my sister so many humbling texts yesterday which i Never do anymore .. while i sent them for me and i could feel my own dignity being restored slowly even though nothing felt good, etc .. i see it this morning .. how i Remain the scapegoated .. it doesn't matter what I say .. it's amything i say; i feed it ..
will try to keep that tucked in me .. thanks for the hug .. i Need one .. definitely hurts and not a priceless gift but worth it ..
