That was as close to a perfect Christmas as it gets.

On Christmas Eve, I travelled alone to my mums. A year ago I would have cried all the way there, knowing that I was going to Christmas without ABF. This time I was in a great mood. I took photos out the train window all the way there, called every family member to let them know I was on my way (I think they thought I was a bit mad lol)  and when I arrived in the city I shopped for a few extra presents for family (spent too much, oops) and also some cheap clothes from an outlet.

(Interesting aside.....I've always been a jeans and t-shirt girl, or when dressed up it's always been black, black, black short skirts boots and attitude I guess. And I've always HATED shopping with a passion. I've noticed, just lately, that I have started to enjoy browsing the shops, trying things on and am enjoying wearing "girly" stuff in nice colours and fabrics. It's like I have stopped hating the "girl" in me and I'm no longer binding her in black, black, black. Might sound insignificant but it's a big change in me).

Had a nice dinner with parents and stayed up far to late with my mum watching Downton Abbey episodes (lol more very girly stuff). In the morning my mum woke me up to come and open presents; I know she hates that my siblings all sleep until mid-day and she knew she could wake me early; she was all excited like a little kid lol. Had a wonderful lunch. Everyone was in a great mood and there was none of the usual stress and drama, I'm not sure why, everyone was just chilled out this year. I was so, so happy to find I wasn't missing ABF in the slightest and after considering Cathy's share the other day, I left my phone switched off for the day.

I was in such a great mood that when my ex husband turned up to drop off my daughter (he had given her flowers to give my grandmother and champagne for my parents) I invited him in to say hello. He was part of the family for a long time and everyone likes to say hello to him. I used to get really angry and upset and label them traitors for being so nice to him after "everything he did to me". This year, I just didn't feel the resentment; I just thought hey, he's been nice to get my daughter here on time and send gifts for my family, might as well invite him in for a quick drink or whatever. That felt good and my daughter was kind of wide eyed and open-mouthed about it. It wasn't until later that I thought, hey that really is a mark of progress for me.

Arrived home in the evening; ABF announced that he was starving and looked at me expectantly. He thought I would bring him leftovers. It was a hot day and I had travelled for hours to get home, what sort of state did he think leftovers would be in? When he realised there would be none, he angrily went and made himself a baked-bean jaffle and ate it making sarcastic comments about how "I'll just sit here and eat my Christmas Beans then". lol. Okie dokie. I hadn't bought him a big gift this year but I had put a few expensive treats from the gourmet grocer in a bag for him (short-breads, chocolates, a bunch of mini-jams infused with whiskey, all stuff I knew he would love) and he picked through it and said "you know I don't really like any of this stuff. "That's OK, it's still better than anything you have ever gotten me" I said; oops, couldn't help it. And then he says "You know what you could have gotten me? This game I have been wanting"...OMG???? What??? He has never bought me a gift, not ever so this time around I didn't bother...what goes on in this guys mind? Lol, don't answer that. He works full time, I am a student but I am supposed to buy him gifts and feed him? Huh?? I don't think so, not anymore. It's been so twisted for so long, thank HP I am finally seeing it clearly and making sensible judgements. 

Today daughter and I had big plans to go and see the Hobbit so last night he announced he was going to come, then that he couldn't afford it and then what time were we going, well that wouldn't suit him and blah blah blah, around in circles picking apart my plans and making a simple outing into a big argument which ended up with him slamming his door and sulking all night; I was not going to let his obvious attempt to ruin our day get to me and just said to him "we're going regardless, you can come if you want but stop making it difficult. If you're ready when we go, good, if you aren't, it won't be a problem.

So he woke up mid afternoon demanding to know what time we were going, well that didn't suit him and blah blah blah; I just started laughing because really? He wanted to drive (the bus is too hard for him even though my car isn't supposed to be driven he's been driving it all week) and I had already decided to just ignore his childish crap and let him join us to see the movie since we did Christmas without him and I feel a little sorry for him. I had given my daughter a heads-up about this, and in the car he picked a fight and when he didn't get the reaction he wanted he announced I'd better shut up because he didn't even want to see the stupid movie and would pull over...trying to make out that he was "taking us to the movies" or something absurd like that...I just looked out the window the whole way and tried not to laugh because he was just being so ridiculous and making no sense; who gets grumpy about going to a movie they really want to see? In his own sad twisted way he's angry that we didn't let him ruin Christmas and he ended up sitting alone while we went and had fun I guess. So the man who "didn't want to come to my stupid Christmas" is now angry and full of self pity because he didn't come to Christmas....lol.

When we got to the theatre he dropped me off and said "you get the tickets while I park" and I said "OK, how will you pay for yours" and he said "Oh, you want me to give you the money?" looking all surprised...good grief. 

It must be hard to accept after years of me bending over backwards to provide for him and baby him but tough luck, he's going to have to get over it. His behaviour just pushes me further and further away and he complains that I don't want to do things with him or sleep with him anymore...he really might never figure out that it's his behaviour that causes the distance or that he drives me further away each day but that's OK. I don't feel the need to "make him understand" anymore; he can be bitter and pity himself for the rest of his life if that's what he must do. And if we part and he ends up thinking that I am a nasty bitch- well, that's probably a sign that I finally got it right...lol.

This Christmas has been a real milestone for me; when I compare it to last year (cried all the way to my families because he was mean in the morning, didn't talk to anyone and then endured the horror show at his mums for 2 days, then came home exhausted and miserable). This year was so happy and easy and fun and I didn't even feel a twinge of sadness that he wasn't there. Daughter goes away again on Saturday for a week at her dads (and after that I have her for 3 lovely weeks of holidays before school goes back) and I'm not dreading my week alone this time, not even a little bit. Things are good, no matter how much ABF wants to drag us down into his misery. Last year I think I might have been crying and tearing my hair out right now. 

Change, finally, ater so many years of doing the same things over and over, and crying over the results. Finally, I am moving forward. 

Love these recovery tools so very, very much.

(((everyone)))