Well Merry Christmas to everyone .. the kids and I scooted down to McD's down the road to catch some internet tonight and see what was shaking .. it's pretty quiet to say the least.  The kids are settled with their Christmas gifts and hanging out.  We had a really nice Christmas, officially the best Christmas ever according to the kids.  #1 son had his Christmas program last night and was amazing of course.  #1 daughter is now busy planning her hang outs with her friends .. I'm sooo excited for them both.  We are blessed and I am grateful, extremely so .. I managed to pull off Christmas and that was a big deal.  This new year is all about ME and what new changes I have coming .. divorce is first on the list however I can wait .. LOL .. trust me not interested in getting into the dating scene .. I just don't think there is someone who can handle me at this point.  I come with some serious baggage .. I wouldn't want to deal with an ex who just can't keep it together and there are minor kids involved .. that's God's call and what He has planned for the kids and I.  It's not a priority for me coming into this new year. 

I had a rough couple of days and it took me a while to figure out what was going on .. I really didn't get it.  Well, I wound up figuring out that this is actually the first major holiday that the stbax text (yes, I know peek a boo I'm still here) and I didn't talk to him.  He was completely MIA on Thanksgiving and that was ok with me.  The reality of no contact just hasn't been there and the kids and I have gotten in the groove of things.  The kids did ok, thankfully they have their individual outlets.   The stbax actually text them and it threw me big time.  I couldn't figure out why I was in such a funk .. I guess it's another piece of letting go and letting God this just makes it more real .. I so know that is a weird thing to say the reality is I'm still married and even though we aren't together there is a part of me that can live in denial about our relationship .. it's just my brain allowing me to process the grief as I can and not force everything at once.  I'm a slow learner what I can say. 

There were promises of a gift box that suppose to be delivered on Tuesday and he tried dictating to the kids how and when they would open it THAT was a laugh .. seriously?!  Of course shocking it didn't come .. that actually made me feel better .. not for the kids .. they were disappointed it just validated what I had been trying to express to them.  They are worth more than crumbs of kindness.  They deserve the whole plate consistently.  I got really scared because one act erased for them the past 5 months of no visitation, 1 actual phone call, 1 text .. that is NOT ok.  I don't want them to hate their dad .. I do want them to understand this is not healthy behavior so they don't set their expectations up to be disappointed AND so they don't think that this is ok .. that was how I grew up .. crumbs of kindness and to this day it is so hard for me to accept someone's kindness as just that someone happens to be nice.  Accepting him as he comes is fine .. making it more than it is .. that's not ok.  He's an invisible parent and that's his choice.  It's a difficult thing to struggle with because I have no discernment between kindness and attraction.  I hope they will eventually remember what we have talked about in these regards.  It did bring up some interesting conversation between the three of us just in terms of what is and what is not ok .. how crazy things were when their dad and I were together .. what my part in the craziness was and so on.  I'm not perfect.  I am real and they are ok with that part of the deal.  The other thing we talked about were the good things about their dad .. it's REALLY hard to come up with those.  His conversations with them are completely sterile,  not one mention of I love you, not one mention of when they would see them, no apology for his disappearing act .. completely NOT ok.  There were lots of empty promises of presents.  I just had a REALLY hard time of sticking to my side of the street, .. all I can say is thank you for the EOP because it's probably the only thing that kept me from unloading on him for letting the kids down AGAIN.  I think the capper for me was when my daughter communicated very clearly to him via text .. he tried to give her the responsibility of tracking the package and I did give her the mom look and say absolutely NOT ... HIS package HE mailed it (or not) and HE needs to follow up on it.  This is a clear boundary of HIS mess HE cleans it up.  What happened to the package is NOT your issue.  She thought about it and said yup .. you have a point mom.  She let him know she wasn't interested in the tracking number and she did it in her way that is so clear and so good .. I am always amazed at her ability to communicate her thoughts without unnecessary words and conflict .. so not her mother .. lol .. I wanna be her when I grow up.    So what was his response?  He sent the tracking number to her.  She looked at me mouth opened and said does he listen to ANYONE?  This is probably why I'm still married .. LOL .. he does what he wants to do no matter what someone else is saying.  So he called this AM wanting to know what happened to the package and she said I don't know .. what did you find out?  LOL .. I started to laugh.  In that regard she is sooo my daughter thank you God.  He was shocked .. LOL .. go figure (not).  He then tells her had doesn't have a computer .. well he has a tablet he can view his porn on .. trust me HE can figure out how to track a package.  Because my daughter was exposed to the porn on the CHILDRENS tablet .. then you know what .. he can COMPLETELY look that up himself.  He doesn't want to because it's easier to have someone else do it.   Apparently tried to insinuate (he wishes!) how she wasn't doing good in school and she nailed him .. MY girl is on the high honor roll .. kiss my big butt!   Interestingly enough she is excelling in school now that we are not together.  She struggled every single year through jr high and I was concerned .. she has worked her butt off for her grades and I am extremely proud of her.  He just doesn't get it and that's his issue!  I thought her reaction to that conversation was interesting from her though .. she just rolled her eyes and did look to me for validation after the call and I gave it to her.   She's got almost straight A's right now at the end of the semester.  Her classes aren't easy and she's had her moments of struggle she has earned every single grade on her own.  I help in terms of making sure she has what she needs .. outside of that .. she's on her own.  I do her no favors in getting her grades for her. 

I'm curious about court stuff .. there is the issue that the violation of the OP is now going to bench trial and I don't understand what that means and I really pray that the judge helps him get closer to recovery whatever that means in the long term of everything I don't know.  I just think it's interesting .. he texts E the day his atty is in court.  REALLY?!  That what makes me speculative about the call .. there were no court dates in November so I'm no surprised they didn't hear from him then.  He must be feeling big guilt.  I did tell the kids .. the bigger the guilt the bigger the present .. that was so my dad. 

Nothing about the divorce .. based upon the conversation this weekend I get why we aren't divorced .. he doesn't listen, and he doesn't get that he's not in control of the situation .. he thinks he is .. seriously he's not and there is a whole lot I can't get into now that is coming up that will shock him bad.  I'm grateful for the EOP .. seriously.  The kids and I are ready to move on with our own lives and I need to start getting things in order. 

Anyway, it took me 24 hours to come to the realization that this was a big mile stone .. after two years this is the first time he's text/talked to the kids and I didn't have to speak to him.  It threw me .. that was interesting in terms of hmm .. wasn't expecting that reaction at all.  Just one more way to let go and that's a positive thing, so there were a few tears yesterday and then I put my big girl pants on and said .. well, I can let him have control OR I can make the most of the rest of the day and today .. and that's what I made the choice to do.  I'm sooo glad too because the kids were concerned and that's not fair this holiday is about them and I need to remember that .. I can cry in my eggnog at a later date.  Today they need me to be present.  

 We had a big laugh today.  My daughter got something from my mom today and she made slime .. well this is how my daughter works .. is having a ball with the slime she made .. her dad calls and she drops it on the floor takes it to the bathroom to wash it off.  Well, while she's on the phone down the sink it goes .. OMGOSH .. I swear we were howling .. I have very verbally and facially expressive children so she was making me laugh, my son was howling and we could barely follow what had transpired with Bob the slime (Monsters Vs Aliens reference) I can't imagine what their dad was thinking and I don't care we were just howling laughing until it hurt.  I will take whatever laughter we can grab onto with both hands.  Now I have to figure out how to make slime I told E the bathroom is off limits no more bathroom breaks with slime in hand!! 

I hope that everyone's holiday was wonderful, filled with lots of laughter.  These are the moments that set the tone for the new year for me, what can I accept, what can I let go of, what I have the wisdom to change. 

Hugs to all S :)