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at my punishing family for making sure I was not included at Christmas today.
i can't even begin to tell you how horrid their psychological abuse has been over the past two years. It is so disturbing it's too hard to hear.
i'm also feeling that I am hurting everyone by giving them someone to blame. This does not help my father get sober or help anyone else go to God.
i was trying to be a hero earlier today in my post or maybe there was some denial, but the truth is this is all extreme untreated codependency and I've known for four years I need to let them go COMPLETELY.
but as you know I can't get out from under the purse strings.
i only have one way out. And that is to stop smoking and drinking coffee for relief. If I can do that I'll be able to sleep enough to work - and then get out. I've had exhaustion for 13 years.
maybe Alanon has another solution. I'm doing the work but haven't heard anything in meetings yet and am just starting to work with a sponsor...however im in a race to save my life here.
I mean, if you had an emotionally abusive spouse who used you as their emotional punching bag for 35 years and constantly told you "everything is all your fault" then rounded up the family to all reject you over the years and you werent invited to Christmas, would you stay married to that person? i don't think so. It's the exact same thing, only it's the damage and pain of your own mother and father doing it...much worse.
I will pray for you but I can honestly say that I too have been disowned by some family members, it sure hurt until the acceptance came and once that happened, guess what? It was one of the best things that could happen to me! I no longer had to be abused and be their sounding boards:) Great to hear you are starting to work with a sponsor....we are TOO emotionally attached to make sense of this:) She will be the key to helping you learn how to get to the acceptance and fully let go:)You have the right to a good life, as we all do!
Thank you for sharing & Merry Christmas to (((YOU)))
Our family dynamics were simply an unconscious dance we were all doing. For me, being angry at somebody in a coma didn't make sense. I let go of wanting what I couldn't have in relationship to my family and turned the entire situation over to my HP. In doing that, I helped myself find peace. I also was able to see the part I played in the dance and changed it. That's all the power I had or will ever have. I don't spend time with my siblings or my Dad or my son at Christmas anymore although I connect with some through phone calls or e-mail. I do spend it with people I work with, my daughter and my grandson. There was a time in my life that I didn't think I could go without spending time with parents or siblings during holidays, but I learned it wasn't true. Glad that you are seeing things you can do to free yourself of things that you want to free yourself from now, WTI, and that you are choosing to work with a sponsor, too. One day at a time we begin to see our glass as half full rather than half empty. I didn't think I could ever make that mental shift when I was in a lot of pain, but Al-Anon and other supports showed me that I could. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for being here. Prayers for peace for you tonight.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 25th of December 2013 07:15:10 PM
For me, relief comes through all the good things like forgiveness, kindness, acceptance of people for who they are. I dont know if this will help but can you let your family know how much this hurts you, not in a judgemental or blame way but in a way that validates your feelings, work on forgiving them and accepting that you may have to look inside rather than to them for your happiness and serenity. Im sorry you are alone today, that must be hard and I truly hope you can find a way to feel better.x
I understand what you are saying .. I was always just the dirty secret and yet I was the first born (not technically .. lol) .. then I turned into the black sheep because I knew all of the dirty secrets that the family had and no one EVER wants to talk about those .. LOL .. I guess I've always been one to throw stuff on the table and just say let's just deal with this and then move on .. well, it's hard to do that with a family who pretends the first family never existed and I'm just suppose to take it.
It was funny because when everything kind of exploded I didn't spill the dark family secrets I sure did let my dad know I knew every single one of them and I did feel better .. he didn't. He didn't change so what did I accomplish outside of straining an already strained relationship? He's been out of my life far more than in it and yet he's probably molded me in ways that he is clueless about.
As far as the whole 35 year analogy this is what I have witnessed in my stbax's family .. they are a trip first off .. his s/mom divorced his dad after 35 years of marriage and I would say it was abusive at points in the marriage especially at the big part of the beginning, and end of the relationship. Now FIL isn't even in this country and that side of the family cut her out as if she never existed .. it was shocking to watch. This is a woman who hosted Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, weddings, baby showers and I mean .. they turned on her in a min. I don't get it. The thing that makes me sad for her .. is I'm back to my crumbs analogy .. she accept crumbs and while I was asked about stolen property that I didn't take .. do you think she ever addressed the person who DID actually take it? No .. it was really sad to watch her do this and I had to stop because I couldn't stay on my side of the street. In a lot of ways this opened up new levels of healing for us both. I was able to step back and I could no longer be blamed for my stbax's behavior or judged for my choices. She had to start seeing him for who he is/was and I guess it's coming in waves of reality. I really couldn't believe that she pretty much ditched the kids and I for one evening and I hope for her it was worth it I won't be questioned anymore about someone who I have no control over. The trust for me was broken. Even after 35 years of abusive behavior and appalling pre and post divorce behavior by this family if they called she would run. The whole doormat thing for me is more than I can tolerate because that could be me. Not a reflection I want to consider when it comes to myself. If that's what she needs to do that's on her I can't support it or be subject to the criticism because I don't make the choices she thinks I should make.
I think that with family of origins it's so much harder because I know for me as much crap and the stupidity that my dad and his family has put me through over the years .. and he's completely unaware of the countless hours of therapy .. I still wanted his approval and it's only recently I have been able to get away from it. It's still not easy to slip back into that way of thinking. The rejection for me equals that some how I wasn't good enough for that I didn't measure up to whatever standard that was there .. I still don't and the reality is .. I never will .. that is why Alanon has offered me the freedom to realize that my self worth is not based upon if they reject me or approve .. it's MY accomplishments. PLUS I can't change other people. I have heard from my mom even that I deserve the pain I have suffered over the years. This is not healthy things for parents to say to their kid/s. Who says that? Someone who isn't ok. Now when she responds with some of her comments I can see that I can't change her. It doesn't make it ok .. it just makes it .. it is what it is .. I can't change how people react to me. I can change how I choose how I respond to them when they react in a inappropriate way. Usually I remove myself from the situation with a lot more grace and tact than I used to and for me that is maturity and growth. She still tries to control every aspect of my life and there I put my foot down fairly hard. It dawned on me .. I don't like to be controlled then I better drop the control .. it's not easy.
I am powerless over other people, places, things and for me the added bonus of the past.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
((((WorkingTI))))...In support...I read your post and it reminds me of when I was "STUCK"...ridgidly held fast in the thoughts and feelings my life would never change and I would never be free of it. It wasn't bad enough I kept adding to it to insure myself of a terminally crappy outcome. I almost succeeded at it until I got to the point where you are now...meetings, literature, sponsor and the program fellowship as my HP just so I could have one and breathe. I did angry like it was the best paying job in my life and I did angry for a long time...it was familiar and I did it very very well until I got the best sponsor HP would allow me to have and taught me what open mindedness was. "If you keep and open mind...you will find help". Don T asked me "Do you like feeling angry all the time" and after I got angry at that I told him "Of course not"!! "I hate it"!! He then told me "Well if you hate feeling that way...feel the opposite and get the good stuff". The opposite of anger is acceptance. Not the acceptance of the morality of the situation and only the fact of it. Its happened...its over and done...I can let it go now. Acceptance saves my butt almost more than anything else and then I can move to forgiveness which is the opposite of resentment. These are polar opposite feelings. You can't feel both at the same time. In support ((((hugs))))
Acceptance sure is the answer, Jerry.
Then other thing is as my daily reader said this morning, when we're busy with our own work in the steps that gives us something to really focus on and these other things become less important.
I feel much better today and am remembering Truths...also grateful for an Alanon sponsor right now.
(Hugs right back at ya!)
If you truly believe your are a victim of gaslighting I have found so many things about what to do and how to handle it. Al-anon is a great way to get out of that cycle of abuse. Remember the 3 C's. Work on you and don't take one word anyone says to you as fact. No one...I mean NO one knows you like you do. Here is something that might help
DON"T DO
Dont equate intelligence with character - just because someone can run rings around you in an argument doesnt mean they are right.
Dont waste your time trying to convince someone who has already made up their mind about you that they should reconsider.
Dont argue with a person who is fabricating the facts. Wait for them to return to reality before engaging them in a discussion and do it on YOUR terms - not theirs.
Dont allow yourself to be isolated from others against our own better judgment. Insist on your right to have your own friends and family.
Dont blame yourself for what the other person is feeling or how they are behaving. Dont look for ways to change yourself to try to fix another person. As the OOTF 3 C's mantra says: You didnt cause it, you cant cure it and you cant control it. You are only responsible for your own words and actions.
Dont stay in the room if the situation becomes physically, verbally or emotionally unhealthy or unsafe.
Dont go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret.
TO DO
Remind yourself that you are not to blame for the other persons behavior.
Detach yourself from feeling responsible for how another person is feeling, behaving or thinking.
Turn your attention on your own behavior and your own thought patterns. Discard the unhealthy and learn what is healthy for yourself and pursue it - regardless of what reaction you get from the person with the Personality Disorder.
Talk about it! Talk to trusted friends and family about what you are dealing with.
If you are ever confronted with violence or abuse, get yourself and any children immediately out of the room and call for help. Report all acts of violence, threats of violence or self-harm to the police immediately every time.
Maintain your healthy lifestyle and thought life. You will need them. If necessary, explain to your loved-one gently, but firmly that you are doing what you need to do for yourself and then close the conversation.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I can relate- you aren't alone! After a lifetime of hurt seeking approval from a mom who isn't able to be satisfied and turned family members and others "against" speaking to me (for what I do not know and it's curious that they choose to listen to her sickness), I concluded that the pain and anger weren't working for me and I need to do something different. My dad knows the truth but is too frail. If I hadn't stopped seeking approval, I'd now have a whole army of unpleasable-people to try and please when I wasn't successful at the one.
Now, I ask myself how I'm feeling and what are my needs and do the next right thing. As difficult as it is, I have finally learned to accept things as they are and control what I can (my words and actions). I refocus on warm and loving friendships, give love to myself, my daughter, and to volunteer work. We expect and deserve more from our parents- healthy parents who love us unconditionally- but when there is sickness, these basics aren't a given.
With the help of Alanon, the hurt has mellowed. When the anger and frustration resurges, I process it and refocus on the positive.
Every now and then, I'll hear from my mom... she contacts me when she's prepared another horrible manipulation to see if I take the bait. I do not. I gently tell her that I love her and want the best for her and dad- this renders her speechless- I then excuse myself from the phone and say good bye. The anger belongs to my mom- I do not want to accept it or carry it around for her. She has done much to hurt me for as far back as I can remember, but she doesn't have power to strike out at me anymore because I will not engage with her sickness. As for the others, what they think is none of my business. So far, it was this or the alternative... I'm ok with this.