The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Merry Christmas! A year ago I would've never thought I would be spending Christmas alone with just my daughter. My husband is still in rehab. He has called me several times and sounds positive. I first had doubts but the past week and a half I have been reading more and more on codependency and alcoholism and I continue to repeat the serenity prayer over and over so as to not get caught up in that drama of control I think I have to have. I don't "need" control anymore. That's eye opening for me. I just want to live life as it comes and accept whatever happens knowing it was all God's plan and He will help me. He's never let me down before and he surely won't start now.
I had Christmas Eve with my family yesterday evening and it didn't feel the same. I kept pushing the thoughts away telling myself next year we will have a lot to celebrate regardless or who is doing what because I know I am on my road to recovery and I am not looking back. :) My son is going to his fathers today and that leaves me and the baby. I'm actually ok to have some peace and quiet and no major plans. I'm a little upset that the in laws haven't contacted me to see the kids but that's another thing I can't control and I'm not going to let it bother me from this moment on.
I have the opportunity to visit my husband today but the poor baby is sick. All last night she was getting sick and I don't think I will get her out. I'm starting to feel sick too. Something is running through everyone I know and I suppose it is our turn now. This is the 2nd chance I've had to see my husband since rehab that didn't go through and I'm ok with that. It happens the way it does for a reason. He will be coming home next Friday. I'm nervous but I'm putting this all in God's hands.
Tomorrow evening when I go to al anon I'm going to ask what steps to take now that I've been to a some meetings and fully intend to keep going back. I think I'm ready to find a sponsor and get down to the nitty gritty business. I've been listening to some CDs of stories I borrowed during the last meeting and they are very empowering. I'm excited for this change in my life. Is it weird to feel excited about realizing YOU'RE a raving lunatic? It's like finally things are making sense. Now that my eyes, ears, heart, and mind are open I'm ready. I'm ready for this different life. I'm ready for the crap to stop. I'm ready to start living for me. From the time I first posted on here a little over a month ago from now I can already tell my mind is different. I don't feel the need to go on and on and on about what I think someone else did or whatever. All that matters now is me. This is a struggle I know I will continually fight but I'm willing! Let's box life, my dukes are up!
Again Merry Christmas!
I so appreciate your solution mindedness. I am the alcoholic who has been continuously sober for 25 years but the disease continues to raise its ugly head and today I see I need Al-Anon more than ever. I don't feel the need to go to an AA meeting, because I don't have an interest in drinking. But I cannot manage my feelings very well right now and that leads me to be less than loving to my husband who is able to cast off relationship discomfort with greater ease.
Our two grown (former addict) children are both living lives substance free but not necessarily mentally free. Neither has done their ACA work. They are adult children of an alcoholic and I guess I believe if I just love them well at this point they should get over themselves and be the kind of kids they have the capacity to be. They look normal on the outside, but the inner work needs to be done if they are ever going to be free to love genuinely.
My resentment toward their treatment of us is is growing by the minute and I feel like going to bed but have a big day sharing dinner with friends who are Christmas orphans and I suppose I am one too, although I did not realize it before this minute.
I will write out a fourth step and work my way through this using tools and the love of my great big God to get to the other side. There is an intuitive thought here that they are in their process and will one day come through it. I struggle with whether or not to say anything to them about how their actions of indifference, neglect, obligatory relationship toward me affect me. Ill have to hunt down an Al-anon sponsor who can help me figure it out.
My prayer today is that I would let go to selfish thinking and embrace the bazillion blessings in my life today. Underneath this, I am very grateful.
-- Edited by Heddy on Wednesday 25th of December 2013 01:15:31 PM
