The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not so long ago, during this time of the year, I used to think that the amount of gifts I received from others was a tell tale sign of how loved and appreciated I was. The less gifts I received, the less I was appreciated and the lower my self-esteem dropped.
This year has been a really, REALLY rough year for me career-wise. I was put into a position managing a lot of people during a couple of rough layoffs. Thankfully for this program, I was able to live in reality and understand that the people I work with would likely start to form lower opinions of me and not trust me since I was in the "upper crust" of people who agreed to some of these hard decisions. I'll emphasize each and every layoff was heartbreaking for me. I do NOT like to see people put out of work, but I have to go on faith that their HP's have great plans for them and that sometimes these closed doors are ways to get people to move forward into something perhaps much better than what they currently had. I've also lived in realization that I'm not immune somehow to these situations and that for all I knew, I could be next.
I had some people who were viciously critical of me and did their best to play office politics and turn people against me. This was really hard for me - my self-esteem did take a blow to the gut and for a short while there I was feeling really awful. My worthiness as a manager and person was called into question. Only getting to frequent Al-Anon meetings and keeping in touch with my sponsor kept my head on straight, and having an amazing boss who stuck with me through the mire.
It has been a hard change of a year. I used to feel very connected with the people I work with but a gap has formed, and I've accepted that. Acceptance, for me, has been my saving grace. And what helped even more was repeating to myself often "What you think of me is none of my business." I still strive to be a good person, but no longer does that mean I'll only be a good person if your'e nice to me. I'll put my foot down where needed but on the other hand I will not wield an angry grudge over someone who gives me a hard time. Life's just too short for me to expend my energy that way. This is just a job, after all. But no longer do I feel like everyone has to like me.
Coming back to the gifts subject... yes, I used to have a desk full of gifts every Christmas Eve. That's not the case this year. In the past this would have hurt me... but again, I accept it and I'm not hurt nor offended by it. Life moves on, I know deep down that I really AM a valuable person worthy of love and respect and it doesn't have to be shown to me in the form of material knick knacks. God and Al-Anon have filled me this Christmas with many, many more gifts. So I am truly blessed. :)
its not what people "buy for me" that impresses me anymore, its how they want to be in my life...how much interest do they have in ME....
re: the job, I can relate to that too...once upon a time I was making great money, as a controller of a nice construction company...then i got laid off...floated for a bit, got another controller's job and they went belly up in Dallas office due to crash....they offered to pay my move to FLA if i wanted to move, but my house was nearly paid off so i had to decline
Now i am the "new poor'....social security, early retirement so i scrwed my self there, but had no choice....i could not find work....now i freelance as pub. bookkeeper to suppliment SS and WOW things changed.
some of my so called "family of origin" shun me b/c i am not "financially there" anymore...I am an embarrassment to them b/c their parents left them with money (talking about cousins) they never had to work like me, but now that i am plugging along on a 3rd of what i used to bring in, I am an embarrassment to them......i say good riddance......i now, when they try to contact me about their complaints, I ignore them......if one of them calls, i tell them I am fine and hoping same for them, and then I get off the phone....don't want to "embarrass" them with my existence.......if one cannot accept me as i am then they need to be gone...same here...if i cannot accept one as they are, then i need to move on....it isn't a match...so i am not wealthy and therefore not a match for my cousins.....oh well.....ask me if I care..........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Love what you shared about acceptance. I am possibly separating from my AH and I will have to make some serious financial changes and then find acceptance for the situation as it is. It is always hard for me to find acceptance because I'm always trying to NOT accept things and fix them, LOL. Thank you for sharing your gratitude tonight!
