its just sad to be in this place - Al-Anon Family Group

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

its just sad to be in this place

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Occm

I am so sorry that you are in such pain especially around this time of year, You are not alone. The holidays do seem to bring out many difficult emotions.

I do believe you are making progress and growing even if you do not feel it. Remember you do not have to "Run away" to change and grow and learn how to respond to this dreadful disease. Sharing your deep pain with others, listening for guidance and then looking within for the small voice that suggests the right action for you is all you need to do.

Please try to rest, and repeat the serenity prayer. . 12 years ago on Christmas Eve, my son who had been sober for over 13 years got drunk and ended in the hospital ER.. Somehow I knew deep within that this was the beginning of the end. I continued to show up, make meetings, support him as best I could and use my program tools to enable me to have a life as he continued his downward slide. He passed away 6 years ago and I am so grateful that I did not "Run" but used my tools to live life on life's term.

Today I have many bitter sweet memories in my heart and can enjoy this Holiday Season. Trust the process.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

First, I am sorry Betty....i did not know it was on Christmas Eve.

TOC...I am sorry for your pain, also, and glad you have a sponsor. You have within you the strength to thrive, despite your husbands disease. I am thinking of those people who endured the concentration camps until they were set free...I wonder how they endured the level of torture they did? For them, though, they had no choice but to stay in the camps until they were released. Your freedom is in your hands. I held myself hostage in my pain...it was not my husbands fault, it was not the alcohols fault, it was mine...I was not a victim. My peace and serenity were mine to embrace. Your peace and serenity is yours to embrace and it may mean making some painful decisions. You are worth having a luscious, vibrant life and it yours, if you wish. Peace to you.

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

betty, im so sorry. . i feel as if your pain is deep and tragic and mine lingers on i know not to apogize to.you as i know you know my heart. my heart breaks for your bittersweet memories while at tbe same time marvels at your strength and peace. pp. . i hear you and i know the power is in my hands. . i dont want to leave. i want to.find a way to connect on some level, re establish some hope and love" but he is so so damaged. i do have esteem and power some where bit safdens has moved into.my heart at the moment. my small voice inside says coflicting things. . i hear. .'he does love you hes just damaged. i hear 'you are all hes got other than a beer botte. i hear 'go. . go now'. i hear 'keep.loving, prayong and having faith . . God is good. that said. . i sit here right now and cry. sorry to be so.down. sorry for typos. just got artif nails done,lol. betty is the "blueprint for prigress" work somrthing i should look into? thanks ladies. im breathing :-\

deacon · Senior Member

TOC, a loveless, sexless, miserable marriage and yet you stay for the sake of your child. I have a dear friend whose mother also stayed for many years with an AH because she did not want the kids not to have a father. My friend says that finally, she left him when they were in their adolescence. Twenty five years later my friend still says that she wished her mother had left earlier, that, while life was hard and money was scarce after she left, they were so much happier and at peace with the AH out of the house. They finally got to see what a normal family lives like without walking on eggshells all day long for fear they would set their father off. As Paula says, you deserve so much more than merely existing and hoping that things will change.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I know what you mean, Betty.

I went through that with my exAH for most of our marriage - he always put the decision of a separation or a divorce on my shoulders. He would never take any responsibility.

It really galled me at first that he would say that to me and make that kind of decision all up to me. I would just feel flustered and I would stay feeling like if the marriage ended it would all be my fault. I continued to have this misconception that if our marriage fell apart it was because I had failed. If I didn't stick through with the "in sickness and in health" vow then I was a weak person and everyone would think I made an irresponsible decision in the first place and shouldn't have married if I could throw my vows out so easily.

I really had to do a lot of work with my Second and Third Step through all of this - learning to form a bond with my Higher Power and understanding, ultimately, that the God of my understanding doesn't want me to have to stay stuck in a situation that ripped me to pieces every day and left me emotionally destroyed over and over again and again. I finally figured out that my HP just wanted me to be happy. It was as simple as that, and that I didn't have to stay chained down in a situation where ultimately NEITHER of us were happy (the exA and myself.)

Divorce finally was the call I made, but I only did it when I finally felt 100% sure that my HP would see me through it and take care of me. I'm glad it took me time to get to that point instead of divorcing out of fear and anger. I felt right with myself and the world at large with my decision. But I emphasize, it took me time to get there. The time was right when the time was right and no earlier than that. Getting to frequent Al-Anon meetings, working the steps with my sponsor, and spending a lot of time learning about myself and my relationship with my HP lead me down the path to that eventual decision.

I send you love and hugs, Betty. We're all here for you while you tread this path. You're not alone.

jillybean1 · Senior Member

My AH asks me every day if I want a divorce.......but it will have to be my decision and I will have to tell the kids and everyone else what "I did". So I just sit back and tell him, not today....but I think that the time is getting closer to making that decision. It is something I don't want to do but will have to for myself and the kids. I can't help but feel that if he put just one iota of his energy into recovery that he uses daily to try to put us in fear anxiety chaos and turmoil...........he will have been well by now!!!! All the drama ,depression, isolation, fear, anger-----this is their normal. I wanted a little bit of normal Christmas time today.......but couldn't get it so I cried a bit, dried my tears and I am off in a bit to church for Christmas Mass.....ah some peace and goodwill!!! No more tears............. for Santa comes tonight.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I think that it is hard at this time of year because all our "routines" are disrupted and we have time to sit and think and be sad and think we have to make decisions that we are not willing to make when we have our routines that satisfy us. I try to find more meetings with my friends. I spend more time with the kids and grandkids. I fill my time with cooking. If you are sure you want to stay (I understand. I did the same thing) then fill your life with other stuff than spending it with the AH. That way you don't have to fake so much. I took the kids out to the movies, to lunch at McD's, to the park in the summer, sliding in the winter.... just filling up the time doing things that take away my sadness.

So sorry, Betty, for the bad memories that flood this time of year. I'm glad you have the process and now the memories can also be some good ones.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

That whole "If you want a divorce, it's on you" is typical bullying alcoholic relationship hostage taking behavior. Alcoholics do not need to be protected from the truth and I wouldn't encourage picking fights but to heck with that bullying. I personally would have to state facts which is "Sure I will tell them I initiated the divorce, and it is partially due to your alcoholism and all the unacceptable behaviors that go with it." They (the alcoholic) want to drink and bully their way out of the consequences and the truth.

TOC: Right before leaving, I was at my most miserable. Your current state of unhappiness doesn't mean you aren't progressing. You are never going to grow happy with his alcoholism or the prospect of separation. It could be you want to leave but not now or it could be you want to, but not today. It is what it is and it's okay. Enjoy your daughter and your healthy relationships.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 24th of December 2013 04:55:17 PM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((TOC)))

Sad, confusing, horrible, difficult, insane, and more. You aren't alone. Sometimes our thoughts are whisperings of the disease and not our own; discerning which is which can be a tricky process. It may not feel like progress but changes may be happening quietly, just how the disease stealths into our lives. Someone once told me to feel the feelings and let them pass; but stay with the facts. Lots of practice. Leaving a partner can feel just as awful as staying (and vice-versa), just as any big change can bring uncomfortable adjustments.... or staying in a bad situation requires big adjustments. Keep working the steps with someone and keep coming back; keep taking the next right step for you and things will become more clear.

In support.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

TOC,

can you carve out some time for F2F with your sponsor? Or a counselor who understands addiction? If you could sit down and be able to articulate what you are willing to put up with to preserve your marriage, you might be able to decide right there whether this marriage is worth it. And be able to set the boundaries and articulate them to your AH. And then not let him befuddle you with the "it's all your fault" quickstep.

If you can think of some very simple rules, you can stick to them be cause they are hard for the A to turn gray, which is one of their primary weapons. My AW is in recovery now, and with the aid of one of the counselors at her rehab, I was able to articulate "if you use alcohol again, you can't stay under my roof, especially since we have a 13 year old, so you go back to the rehab halfway house to sober up and get your head straight". She understands that simple statement, and I understand how to stick with it, because it is so black and white. It also isn't "I'm leaving you if you touch a drop", which is the only thing I could think of at that point, even though I didn't want to leave her if it happened again. If there is a relapse it will become more extreme, though, I know that.

I will be praying for courage and wisdom for you.

Kenny

-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Thursday 26th of December 2013 07:13:55 PM

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

thank.u all for these insightful and supportive posts. im alone again as i update this. we had two "familynights" that went relativly well. . thanks be to God. . but ah is out all day working and drinking tonight. we r supposed to.leave on a family trip.in the morning. i have done EVERYTHING shy of his packing to get us ready to leave. im a stressed out mess. . but. .im home with my child. . its my safe place so i will take it. for now. thank you all. you remind me im ok and im not alone. . God bless. us all. .

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

tocS

gLAD THAT YOU MANAGED THE HOLIDAY WITH YOUR ALANON TOOLS.

PRAY, TRY TO REST AND KEEP ON TRUSTING YOUR TOOLS.

yOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

yup. and its 245. ,again and again im awake and hes not home. rest, whats that. sorry im just worn down wayyyy too far. but im going to repeat the prayers and try to breathe thtough my anger.

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