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I called my A brother...the one who got snarky w/me because i refused a visit from him unless my terms were met...AA....Sobriety....Sustained programme work, THEN we TALK about a visit...
His response was the usual...I can zerox it and use it for the next time....
I told him how he treated me and how I was going to diss him for the holidays, no phone call, but decided to call him EARLY today and will call EARLY Christmas before he pours his booze , but for the most part, I will only call on a workday because MAYBE I would catch him sober???? he was off work today and on his first screwdriver, already at lunch time...
anyway, I tell him his latest behaviour to me and I told him, that it was MY bad for calling him during an "at risk for drinking time"....I explained to him that I had no expectations of HIS changing, but I must change the times I call him.....like early in am....or forget it....OR if i know he is working...Lunch break....that is it
He got all upset, apologizing, even crying this time , saying that he hated his drinking and that he "needed to stop this f****** drinking" because the only friends he has who really really love him are his HS best buddy, Clif and me...his "sissy"
so I said "ok, whats stopping you????" "well??? i hate this drinking but ya know, I am having one now...Just wanted to be honest" I thanked him and told him that IF he were ever to quit and get into recovery it has to be for HIM....NOT me....NOT "Cliffie" but for HIM.... (my expectations of his getting help are waaay down there)
He at least acknowledged that and said he hated himself and wanted to die for hurting me...I told him that I was "over it" but was setting new boundaries re: the times I call him or when I receive a call.....
He did not like that...limitations on when we talk....I told him that that was the boundary now and I was going to stick to it....And I shall...
I told him my bio family whom I have contact with was dwindling faster then that drink he has in his hand, only for me there is no "refill" the youngest brother is too far gone, mentally, for me to even relate with...The other two are more toxic then Chernobyl...so whats left??? ...
I can't handle more than 5 minutes of youngest brother before the lies and BS and gross behaviour gets to me and I have to go.....at least "R" is a gentleman and he is sweet.....it just breaks my heart that one day, Cliff will call me or that nice guy , Henry, whose boat "R" takes care of will call me and tell me they "found him" and hes gone.....
I guess you can only "prepare" for a possibility like that so much....With the body still functioning, the mind, TODAY, still sharp and the heart still beating, i can only "mourn" so much...Hes not yet GONE...But with no AA an sobriety, the clock is ticking.....
He admitted to me he has maybe one blackout a day???? So that tells me he is drinking worse then before becuz as i hear it, they gotta be pretty soused to have a blackout right???? and he said to me, "I have one blackout a day now".....so the "functioning" is circling the drain, it appears, if he is telling me the truth and most of the time, he is very very honest with me.....
I prayed the "S" prayer, called my sponsor, and worked step 3 on this and I am "ok"...sad, but ok....it is what it is...I cannot change it.........After working step 3 on this, I just said to creator..."do what you gotta do with him, I am giving him over"...and i puttered around the house, bought dog and cat food at the feed store, chatted up some folks and continued living MY day....
I will go on loving him, enjoy the good times and laughter and the fun stuff...He is the BEST male friend I ever had and yea, enjoy, BUT
When the rainy days and Mondays, blackouts and promises not kept threaten to get me down, I have my program...My sponsor....My recovery mates....My 3 adoptive sisters whom I grew up with, and i have my 2 Best girl friends and the best for last----My HP....
My eyes began to tear up a little while ago, becuz at this rate, he can't go on long term...This WILL get him unless he reaches out to AA and sobriety......I know this...but TODAY I had , for the most part, a loving talk w/him.....I know he loves me as much as an addict can and I accept him for who he is and where he is at b/c this is his journey that he must walk by himself....Do I wish better for him?? of course I do, but this is what it is......I can't save him.......I accept that!!!
Today, he has eaten...Today he has a warm place to sleep (he works on so many boats and yachts , he always gets a nice warm boat to sleep on while he is working on it AND owners like having a person on board whom they can trust to watch the boat) and TODAY he is as "ok" as an active A can be....So will say thank you to Creator for that.....
Thanks for letting me share....
*** On a humour note, I run my space heater in my bedroom on 750 watts to save energy and its warm enough to keep my bedroom toasty warm....well I get out of the master bath tub and I am drying me off and I am thinking "Dang...the heater is not working so well...its kinda "cooler" in my room and what is that STINK????"
I go to investigate and there is my old, fat labrador retriever female crashed out, sound asleep with her BACK pressed up to that space heater grill, sound asleep warming her wide back......I knelt down....gently pulled her away from it and she raised up her head and looked at me as if i was the boundary buster and not her.....I had to laugh....the crazy thing, it is a good thing she did not burn, but the heater is very very good one where you can't get burned on it becuz the coils are too far back from the grill.....with her fat body away from it my room feels and smells better, LOL....heater is on my wooden chair so we don't have "toasted" dog ever again.....moving her hardly broke her stride in her napping...She could sleep through a bombing...the two pit bulls are my protectors, needless to say :)
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hi. Lots of prayers for you and your brothers, N. We never do get used to this, do we? Boundaries are so important. I'm glad you shared yours in relationship to him. It helps to read them. If its any comfort to you, my Grandmother drank for as long as I can remember and she died of lung cancer only a few months shy of her 99th birthday. I'm not suggesting the disease doesn't kill, but I'm also one who believes that any thing can happen at any time and our loved ones can surprise us in ways that no one could have predicted. I also knew a guy who drank heavily and stopped in his early 70s. He died at 75 of a heart condition. So - maybe some stories of people who were alcoholics who lived can give you a little hope?
Thank you for the story of your dear dog. She must have been very, very grateful to you for turning that heater on just for her. : < ) Glad your other buddies protect you! Nice that they let her hog the heater all to herself.
I am sorry you feel bad, N. Yet, despite the sorrow you had room to experience the humor and loving interchange with your pup. Carry on as you do and all is well....
LOL, toasted dog!!! That was funny! I do hope you have a wonderful Christmas and the following week, as well!
You know what else really stinks up a room? Human hair burning! One Christmas my mom was sitting down playing the piano for Christmas Eve and we were all standing around singing. Probably looked like a Norman Rockwell painting. And,then, her hair caught fire from a lighted candle that was on the piano mantle. Oh geez, I will never forget that smell. My grandmother had to move all the food to a different part of the house so that we could all get a break from the smell!
I could read this post over and over...(I did) , the way you put things are so candid. I feel like I can hear you talking in person...some sadness, some stark realization and yes humor...I laughed until I cried when you said " functunality circling the drain".
Not at the situation..that is sad..but the way you stated it. I think living with my alkie spouse, finding humor in anything remotely related to the horror of this disease is a breath of fresh air. Thanks so much for your being transparent. Working hard to stop walking on eggshells.
Trelani
