Sex with your A partner - Al-Anon Family Group

jitsuka · Senior Member

Sex with your A partner

mm830 · Senior Member

Hi there, personally I think bringing someone else into this mess would not be in anyone's best interest just my two cents. And if you have self esteem issues now, most who have done that find that despite some momentary external validation, this will just lead to you breaking down more and feeling lower. Look within for the answers, if you really feel like the marriage isn't working out than start taking steps towards separation and divorce. Just my two cents, but you can do better for yourself than that. Hugs and support.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear jitsuka

Glad that you shared with such honesty and clarity. I am happy that your life has turned around,It is so good to hear that you have a successful job and your med's are working. Good work. Living with the disease of alcoholism takes a terrible toll on our self esteem, self worth and confidence. That is why breaking the isolation caused by the disease, sharing, attending meetings, working an alanon program is so essential to our recovery and well being.

I too found an emptiness within and found that it was for two reasons. I had abandoned myself and I was not within taking care of me and I had also abandoned my spiritual/ god side within. Once I began to pray, work the Steps focus on myself That hole disappeared. No one else can fill that space'

Keep sharing, attending meetings and your will recover YOURSELF and that is a powerful gift

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha J good that you came home...It looks like you've shared before and I'm guessing have listened to responses? I relate to the share because it is so much like my own when I was married to my alcoholic/addict spouse...Sex? Damn I was just looking for some intimacy. Itimacy was what I missed...sex was easy...not fulfilling...easy. Love and intimacy was what I needed to learn about and experience and the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups with the face to face meetings which we have gave me that and more. "Hollow" of course and part of that was because the love I was giving wasn't being returned by the alcoholic/addict and couldn't be; Alcohol(isim) displaces all of the good stuff and I was left with the hole also that Betty speaks of. Come to find out as the program taught me it was a "God shaped hole"; a hole that only a power greater than alcoholism could fill. My alcoholic/addict wife could never fulfill that need and she never tried the disease owned us all...totally. Sex became secondary to serenity for me. To be able to live in balance and peace even without the sex was huge and then it was the program that got me there...Literature, meetings, fellowship, ESH, steps, traditions, sponsorship, service and most important a Higher Power of my understanding to lean on when I was getting my life run thru the trash compactor.

Hurrah for your new successes...The good stuff for you is the good stuff...grow and keep growing. She's gonna drink or she is not until she will or won't any longer. Learning how to love an alcoholic isn't hard. Learning how to live with the behavior is almost impossible. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

jitsuka · Senior Member

thank you

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to give up on the sex stuff, and really it was like Jerry said: it was about intimacy and trust for me. I have found intimacy in my relationships at Al Anon, being able to confide in my sponsor, calling my friends in program, etc. These things opened my eyes to who I really was and to what I really wanted.

I took my "God shaped hole" and filled it with program materials, friends, prayer, a connection with a higher power, etc. Oh, and don't worry about bragging on yourself a bit, nothing wrong with that. I get validation from men a lot but truly I am just not interested in any relationships until I get my life squared away and get right with God. For now, my focus is on me and on working a good program. I hope you do keep coming back!! Sending you lots of support!

slogan_jim · Senior Member

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. You mentioned that you were essentially only staying because of your daughter. You didn't mention once in your post how this is affecting her. As a 6 year old she's at a stage where her character is being developed. A lot of who she will become is what she absorbs now from her female role model. Think about that...

I am not in a relationship and frequently speak of this void you mentioned. There is just something about being in a relationship that validates us as human beings and makes us feel like we are complete and worthy of love. It is one basic necessity of the human condition. I also try and fill that void with friends, sports, school, al-anon, recovery.... It helps, but it's not the same. You guys have been together for 8 years. Your lives are intertwined, and will be forever in some capacity by virtue of your daughter. To just throw that all away and re-start is a tough decision if that is your decision. Imagine the mess? Sorting out the finances, custody, lawyers, yeesh! on top of that, doing it all with an alcoholic! Not an enviable situation.

With that being said, your initial post is not exactly a ringing endorsement of how happy you are, to the point that you suggested infidelity. I don't really believe you think that will 'improve' anything.

I think communication is a good avenue to take. Talk about why you havn't had sex in x amount of time. It's not just you not having sex, she is also not having sex with you. If you're not willing to open up about it this will just continue and blow up.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me I would remember she has a disease. Many diseases kill the sex drive. Being an addict can and usually does.

As far as your own self esteem,no one can give you that but you. Remember she is sick, what she says or does does not reflect you your person.

You are on the right track that is for sure. I would continue to work out, eat well, drink well. You might want to really get into reading what interests you.

Congrats on the career! That is a huge boost.

My exA and I shared such a great intimacy. Since we were teens. Sadly it was difficult when he got so sick. But we did develop, thanks to AL Anon and using the skills, the ability to sit and hold hands together and enjoy the time we had.

We cannot change them, only change us. Are you going to meetings? That is a good way to let it out and get feed back after meetings. Keep coming, believe me we do understand and relate. love,debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My exAH was able to give me sex, but not the intimacy I so craved so I shut down to it for a long while. It was something I had to work on within myself first. Al-anon meetings helped me figure out why I was feeling so low about myself, so did my sponsor and helped me to figure out my direction. Hope this helps. Sending you love and support on your journey!

gingerfizz · Veteran Member

Breakingfree wrote:
My exAH was able to give me sex, but not the intimacy I so craved so I shut down to it for a long while. It was something I had to work on within myself first. Al-anon meetings helped me figure out why I was feeling so low about myself, so did my sponsor and helped me to figure out my direction. Hope this helps. Sending you love and support on your journey!

This is what happened with me. He wanted it often but was unable to provide any intimacy. I shut it down for a long, long time. And he decided that all of our relationship problems are due to my lack of interest in having sex with him - nothing to do with him being an alcoholic that I could sometimes barely look at, never mind respect or desire!

He is now dry about 4 or 5 months and doesn't know why that hasn't "fixed" everything. He thinks I can flip a switch and be into him. Too many years of bad bad memories to overcome. I am trying to be present but he thinks that everything should change immediately. He has done no work on himself or program work. He often acts like a horny 14 year old and it is a big turn off. Then he says it's my fault he acts like that - I caused it by shutting down sex, so he gets too excited and acts like a gross teenager? Ugh. I can't have sex if I'm not into it. I don't allow myself to put myself though that. Nothing worse than feeling like you are just being used. He has no sense of trying to create any emotional connection, just seems like he wants to relieve himself. Ugh.

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

My ABF is only interested when he is drunk. He actually says "but when I'm drunk is when I am best at it!". Actually, when he's drunk it's a horrible ordeal that goes on for hours and hours while he plays out things he has seen in naughty movies or something. Certainly nothing I enjoy. When he's sober, then there is intimacy but he isn't interested in that very often. I figured out a long time ago, it is a completely solo mission for him. It's all about his ego. In the past, when he was drunk I would feign enjoyment to humour him and try to get it out of the way as quickly as possible. We had some conversations where I learned that he really didn't care whether I enjoyed myself or not, as long as I pretended to. I think that speaks volumes about trying to enjoy anything with an A. How can there be anything good about it for us when they are completely focused on their own ego and enjoyment? Once I started to work on me, I realised how truly awful the whole thing made me feel about myself and I made a rule, not if you have been drinking. I'm still attracted to him when he is sober, but he s only attracted to me when he is drunk. I used to actually think that meant there was something wrong with me and he had to be drunk to be into me. LOL. I was so down on myself and felt so unnattractive that I would accept his drunken advances to sooth my own ego. It became so unhealthy and the whole experience became so demeaning that I avoid it completely now. I feel uncomfortable when he tries anything more than a hug, tbh. After 7 years, I know his desires inside out and he wouldn't have the slightest clue what I enjoy, nor does he care to find out.
I totally get why you are feeling so unhappy and confused about the intimacy but I think cheating will only make you feel worse. I know it would for me.
I figure if I keep doing what is right for me, and working on myself, one of 2 things will happen.
The A will finally seek recovery and we will be able to build some kind of real intimacy (unlikely) or the distance will continue to grow,we will separate and I will eventually find someone that I can really connect with. Either of those options sound good to me

trelani · Member

My A hubby usually brings it up when he is plastered. No way will I indulge his insanity. He is so mean and crude when drunk that I have no desire to even touch him. We are in separate bedrooms now. I used to agree and then mentally tune out until the horror was over. But no more..I deserve better and unless his behaviour improves, no way. I would rather be divorced. We have no children so your situation is more complicated. One of his psych doctors told him he does not Care what makes him feel better whether drinking, sex, pills anything will do..and that seems to be the truth..anything to quiet their demons. Having affair was not the answer for me...tried and failed. Not fair to add someone else to the mess. Need to end one relationship before you start another..rebound relationships usually backfire. Hope you find your way to the best outcome for all involved. Trelani

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Jitsuka,

I got to a point that I was looking at a website like that. I didn't get too far with it, once I started believing that everyone else on there would have some sort of problem that isn't any better than the AW. Plus I didn't want to give ammunition for child custody if we got to a point of divorce. Plus I still loved her enough to not do that to her. I would rather just break the whole thing off if it came to that.

Kenny

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