The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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I'm still going along with plans to find a rental. It's harder than I thought, mainly because of the dog but also because I need to find something that I think will 'fit' us. I'm not looking for anything fancy but just something practical and it's amazing how expensive some rentals are! I'm feeling discouraged. After speaking with my sponsor yesterday she reminded me to pray that I be in HP's will. She said that if the rental thing keeps throwing up road blocks, then maybe that's God's way of telling me it's not time. If things start falling into place, then maybe it's go time.
I keep wondering if I'm in God's will or if I'm in MY will? And I know that being in MY will is not a good place to be. For now, I'm slowly organizing things, cleaning out drawers, making notes of which furniture I'm taking and which pieces I'll need to purchase after moving, etc. I can't tell if my fear and hesitation is God's way of saying, "Don't leave yet, he's changing, you'll see, you'll save money and less frustration, etc." Or, is it just plain fear of changing for me, in general, and I have to push past it?
I try to remind myself that AH just was about to buy a house, without even telling me how much it was, where the money was going to come from, how much of a down payment he was going to put down, etc? He wasn't being respectful of me, whereas I have come up with a budget plan of where to cut and where to save to make this move of mine more financially feasible.
I then remind myself that he was also the same person who ranted and whined about how he'd have to order new business cards and he'd have to move all his stuff, blah blah blah. So, what makes that different for ME? I have to move stuff for 2 humans and the dog. Oh, and I'm NOT going to have to change my address?? Honestly, I couldn't take the whining so I told him I'd be the one to move out and rent. He challenged me and accused me of playing chicken with him and that I probably won't move out and that I just put us through this terrible emotional upheaval for nothing. Well, that right there should give me motivation to follow through. Yet, I feel this nagging inside. Again, I'm trying to determine whether it's fear and all the worry that goes with it, or if it's my HP telling me to delay this move?
As it stands, I am still slowly preparing for the move. I am gathering things together, organizing my stuff, cleaning out drawers, picking up moving boxes, etc. I am still meeting with realtors and looking at properties. I am now focusing on prayer, being in HP's will, and just hoping that I'm making the right decision! Sigh, why does this have to be so hard?
I don't know if I'm a believer in the idea that "Things that are easy are God's will, things that are hard are not." Stopping drinking is hard -- does that mean it's not God's will? So many things that are so much worth doing are hard -- helping people, growing emotionally, curing disease, turning our back on unhealthy ways. That's not to say that I have the answer on the next move that is right for you. But just to say that I'm not sure the formula is that simple. Though I think another Al-Anon thing to take into account might be "Nothing changes if nothing changes."
I'm not sure if sponsors are supposed to give religious advice. I also have a horrible thought -- horrible because it might exonerate your A! I wonder if he looked at ads for all the expensive rentals and that's why he decided to buy a house. Not to say that the decision to buy a house is a good decision. But it sure would look like the easy way out to someone who was impulsive and sure of the wisdom of his decisions.
I know that lots of people don't move or put their rental on the market in December, because everyone's busy with the holidays. I bet there will be lots more choices in January. So maybe God's will will change in January.
(((hugs)) to you as you go through this physically, mentally, and emotionally tough time. I'll tell you that as I have peacefully connected with my higher power morning after morning, peace comes over me. For me, peace is sometimes just knowing that God is in control and He will get me through whatever it is I am dealing with at that particular moment. I feel like God holds me in a safe place and comforts me THROUGH my struggles. He puts people in my path to encourage and strengthen me and to teach me lessons (often about how HE works). I used to ignore my instincts. I used to ignore or deny all of the wrongness I lived through whether it was my AH's behavior or my own lack of self esteem. I call that ignoring my INSTINCTS. Now, if my INSTINCTS make me feel uncomfortable with a situation, I listen to them. I honestly believe that part of those instincts is my higher power (for me the Holy Spirit).
I am not so sure that God puts obstacles in our way to get us to do one thing or another, I think God puts obstacles in our way to teach us that through him or with him all things are possible, and that he is there for us every step of the way if we open ourselves to Him. As hard (very very hard) as it is living with an alcoholic in my life, I am at times thankful because I have been able to, with the help of Alanon, grow as a person and grow spiritually.
I trust that you will make the "right" decision, because you WILL be able to handle it! Things have a way of working themselves out.
Big hugs ILD.
I've been saying for a long time, if only things would fall into place, I would pack up and go. The other night I was talking to one of my daughter's friend's mum and learnt that she is a single mother and really doing it tough, living in a small and awful place that she wants to move out of. Anyway there is a huge empty house across the road from me and I mentioned to her that the rent on it is high but between the 2 of us we could share the huge place and pay the same as what we each are now...so we snuck into the yard and looked in the windows and had a good look around and the house and garden are really magical; I know the previous tenants had a dog so I can have mine there; I'd love to live there. Our daughters were getting all excited saying "can we, can we please" and as we have only just met, I thought we were just having a bit of fun and day-dreaming but then the lady said that there is another place she knows of and she will enquire about it and suddenly I was filled with dread...the awful finality of moving out and leaving ABF behind hit me and I felt so unsure and worried; he's working now, he's been pretty calm and easy to live with lately, what if, what if....I suddenly realised that even if all of the pieces fell into place and everything was easy as pie, even if someone offered me a home for FREE the idea of leaving him is scary and heartbreaking. I was actually surprised at my reaction. But I know I have to bite the bullet eventually and tear myself away. I've spent 7 years thinking he is going to get better and all he really does is improve for a while and then backslide into awfulness. If I keep getting hopeful every time he shows improvement, I will end up dying a sad and regretful old lady.
Anyway keep doing what you are doing; it isn't about waiting for a magical sign that it is meant to be. It doesn't matter whether he thinks you will follow through or not; it matters that you keep doing what feels right for you. If you spend another month, 6 months, a year or 2 slowly packing and looking at homes and he thinks you are bluffing, what does it matter? Unless you have a hope, deep down, that if he realises you are serious, he will change somehow...I catch myself out on that one all the time.
What you are doing is incredibly tough and I admire you for it. You'll go, or not go when you are ready. You don't need the extra pressure of worrying that he will "win" if you don't move out. Who gives a fig what he thinks?
ilovedogs, Thank you for sharing with us!! I am not certain of your situation but if you would like to share how long have you been going to Face to face Al-Anon meetings? Is your husband a member of AA? I ask, because it is suggested in Al-Anon that we do not make any big decisions or life altering moves for the 1st year in our recovery....I'm certainly grateful that I listened to and did what was suggested to me:) I love that you are working with your sponsor as she is the one that can love us unconditionally and help us to see more clearly. She is a very wise woman to ask you if you are in your HP will or in your own. I too had a loving sponsor that would help point out what I was to emotionally close to see:) I love Al-Anon, having a sponsor to share with, to have all the literature available to me, working the 12 steps of the program, as it is in the steps that also shows me if I am in Cindys will or Gods will.... Keep coming back & be good to you!!!!
Hi Cindy! Yes, I have been in program for almost 2 years now. Other than my sponsor I have good relationships with a few other long timers from my home meeting and I call them whenever I need support if my sponsor is not available. My AH is dry 'for now' but does not work any programs. He went to one AA meeting and said it wasn't for him. And, yes, you're right: the answers are in the steps if you work them, which I am!
Thank you, Melly, for what you shared today. You're right, who cares what he thinks? I just hate it when he looks all hurt and angry and says, "You better not be playing games here, because I don't think it's very funny." And, then, my emotions start to creep in and I get compassionate in a way that I feel might compromise what I am trying to do. I find it hard to be compassionate yet at the same time take care of ME. Something that I know will come with time, but I struggle with it at this point.
I've shared this before and I will again. I learned it in Al-Anon and when in doubt find it to be very helpful:
O- Do I have the opportunity to do whatever I'm considering?
D- Do I have the desire to do whatever I'm considering?
A- Do I have the ability to do whatever I'm considering?
T- Do I have the time to do whatever I'm considering?
If all four answers are yes, we are probably on the right path
If one or more answers are no, we can ask for clarity and guidance again
Man alive voicing the words for me were hard, but following through were even harder. For sooo many years my life revolved around him, his moods, his thoughts, actions, words and man alive was I reactive, responsive and on high alert. After I left and learned how to relax and listen to myself and realized how quiet, relaxing and calm my life was, well it was all worth it. I was doing most the work myself it really was not all that different. For the first time I learned how to live on my own and what I was made of and I love it. Freedom sometimes boredom after living under it for so long, but now I even delight in that. You will know when, where and how when it is right, for me it fell into place and had its hitches, but it worked out the way it was supposed to. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I wonder if he looked at ads for all the expensive rentals and that's why he decided to buy a house. Not to say that the decision to buy a house is a good decision. But it sure would look like the easy way out to someone who was impulsive and sure of the wisdom of his decisions.
