He is gone again!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

Gaby · Senior Member

He is gone again!!!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby, I am a very compassionate woman and what I have to say to you may not seem like compassion. Alcoholics often have to hit bottom before they surrender and begin their recovery. The same holds true, sometimes, for those of us that love alcoholics. You have been given some very wise counsel throughout this horribly painful ordeal with your son, but I am not sure that you have reached your bottoms bottom enough to do the WORK you need to do to begin healing. Prayer with right action can be powerful. If you have to sit in a meeting every night, get a sponsor, see a therapist...be willing to do WHATEVER it takes, do it. Reaching out here is not enough. We cannot lift you from your pain...You know what to do because I have read all of the posts, so go do it. Prayers for all of your family and let your son rest in the arms of God.

-- Edited by PP on Friday 20th of December 2013 04:01:46 PM

heythere · Veteran Member

Gaby, I don't have the experience of most of the other posters here, but I have an addict son as well. He has put me thru hell, let me rephrase that, I have put myself thru hell trying to control his behavior. I allowed his actions and my reactions to put myself in the ER last year. I can imagine your fear and concern. The advise you have gotten from the other posters is right on. You need to let him go, let his HP take care of him. You need to think about yourself and take care of you. So much easier said than done, I know. But at this point it's about your self preservation. Go back and read the other posts, such good advise. Do you have an Alanon contact from any of your face to face meetings? Saying a prayer for you, saying a prayer for your son.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby, think about it logically. He is not going to wander about in the cold for too long. He will get cold or hungry enough and head back to the ranch or he may phone you wanting you to collect him, or he may bump into people that he can party with or not. He's a big boy, this is his decision, it belongs to him. I know your fear and panic, I lived like this for years. Your son is feeding off this fear and panic like mine did. Think of ways to take your mind off him, read your Alanon books, say the serenity prayer, let go and let God.x

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned in Alanon that I am only responsible for myself and my children under the age of 16 (in the UK). Thats it. We can care about our children no matter what age but we must stop taking responsibility for them, especially if they are addicts. They are responsible for themselves, making their own decisions and making choices for themselves so they must live with the outcomes as well, just the way we do.

So your son has left the ranch well the consequences are that he will get cold and he has no other option but to turn back UNLESS you let your fear dominate you and you rescue him from his consequences in which case you then must face your consequences which will be dealing with him the same way you were last week, which was not pleasant for you. You have a chance here to do the right thing Gaby, give him the gift of dignity, let him be to learn from this. You can do it and so can I.x

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

El-cee is so absolutely right. He will find a way without your help. Think about it. He didn't call you to come get him. He doesn't want your help...he told you that. He will figure it out one way or another Don't come in between and rescue his demon. Let him go....let him find out for himself what he wants out of life.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Are you in California or Arizona

Gaby · Senior Member

Cathy I am in California and my son is in Nevada where the recovery program is at.. We are 4 hours away. I want you all to know that picking him up is not what I will do. No he has not called me at all.. I get what your all saying. I need to quit interfering between him and god.. I'm just crushed!! So hurt so angry so worried and scared. I do need to find me a new sponsor. Mine has so many Sponsee's.. I go to meetings. I pray but yes the letting go is hard!! So very hard. I am his mother, but I know he is gods child.. Thank you all..

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

GABY I AM SO SORRY . THIS IS NOT UNUSUAL

MY SON WALKED AWAY FROM MANY A PROGRAM. THE LAST ONE WAS 3 HOURS FROM HIS HOME AND HE TOOK A CAB!!! IT COST OVER $500.00 ON HIS CREDIT CARD.

WE ARE POWERLESS. I LEARNED I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

Rose50 · Senior Member

Gaby -

Believe me when I say - I know your fear and that knot in your stomach. My son is currently living in a rooming house with active addicts. He told me he's trying to stay sober. Whether he is going to meetings or seeing a therapist, I have no idea. He didn't say and I didn't ask. It's his life and his choice. I have been through the wringer with that kid of mine and I have had ENOUGH. I can't save him. I tried and failed miserably.

Tomorrow I am going to New York City with some friends and the next day will visit my daughter. Spend some quality time with my grandkids that I don't get to see very often. I can no longer make my son my top priority - that has to end. He will do what he will do. I don't have the power to control his life. We all want the best for our children but it doesn't always work out that way. It's very sad.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

OH Gaby I am so sad for you. You are right, there is not much we can do.

What you can do is have faith that he will keep himself safe. I am from the 60's. Saw too many people using. heroin, cocaine all of it. One thing I will say is they were not usually alone. They find places to be. I mean in someones home or garage etc.

I am sitting here thinking about how or what I would do in your place. I know I would clean house a lot, keep busy. then I would nap. Would make sure i eat and drink good water. When i thought about him, I would say inside I KNOW he is being taken care of. HP is always watching. I don't know who or what your hp is, but it is a higher power. we have to let go of that pain, allow your hp to carry it.

I would read a lot, watch movies. Steer my head away from it as best as I could. focus away, from it. He will take care of himself you know. If he has the strength to run off, he has the right to make his own decisions. Its a powerful urge hon. He is not ready to get help and stop. Withdrawals are very, very painful and hard.

Do you have loving others you can go spend time with? You may need to be around others who care about you. sending you hugz, debilyn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby: As a late teen and in my early 20s, I never, ever gave thought to how my parents were thinking and feeling about me. Maybe others did? I didn't. I was too busy trying to find my own way in life. My parents tried to run interference for me because they were always worried - even though I was out of school, had a job and my own place. They simply couldn't or wouldn't let go. I was their firstborn and they didn't trust that they had done what they needed to do in relationship to me. They had 8 other kids at home. My brother had gotten married and moved out of state. They both made their own lives harder by chasing after me and they made my life harder, too. I didn't feel loved by them at that time. I felt hounded, criticized and not respected.

Although my parents are not and were not responsible for my choices, their interference in my life - my Dad even went so far as to try to make things hard for the guy I was dating because he didn't like him and my Mom would call me at work and rage at me - was embarrassing to me and unnecessary. They couldn't stop me from dating the guy I was dating - I did that on my own as did he. They couldn't make me be my Mom who'd been married at 20 and pregnant, too. My whole life was very different than my Mom's when I was 20. We were two completely different people. My Mom would ask me personal questions that weren't her business. My Dad would come to my apartment to check things out. They were young then - in their late 30s and were learning how to be parents who let go of their kids. By the time other brothers and sisters were graduating from high school, my parents had learned to stay out of their kids' way.

I can also tell you that nothing they did or said changed anything I needed to do for myself. I got burned by some of my own choices and I needed to get burned. My choices were never personal. I never intended to hurt or scare my parents. I was trying to find out what it meant to be on my own and find my way. Marriage was the only thing that stopped their interference. There were many things that happened to me that to this day are not known by my parents. God did look out for me and I straightened up my act when I chose to grow up. I chose to grow up at about 30 when both my parents were having a fit because I was going to divorce my abusive husband. I finally had the courage to say to both of them that I wasn't asking for their permission. I was telling them what I was going to do. I didn't even tell them why. That was my business until I decided I could safely share it with them.

Your son is trying to find his way. He may not be doing it the way you'd like to see him do it, but he is. Nothing you say or do will stop him. He's going to get burned. That's what happens when we play with fire. It doesn't mean that those burns aren't going to help him accomplish what he is meant to accomplish in this life. For all the mistakes I made and all the challenges I faced, there was always one constant for me - I knew I was safe. My parents didn't think so, but I did and it was me who was leading my life - not them.

As a mother myself, I have discovered that worry is more about me wanting things to turn out the way I want them to turn out and being scared that they might not. I still have moments of worry and when I catch myself in that "I want my way state," I can return with program help to accepting that I just don't know what is going to happen and God is not asking me for my input. I can then choose to relax and be grateful that I don't know everything there is to know about my kids because if I did I probably wouldn't like it and there is nothing I can do about it.

Prayers for you and your family, Gaby. I hope you'll work your program and trust your HP to deal with your son while you deal with your life. He isn't your responsibility anymore. He is responsible for himself. He will find his way in his HP's and his time.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 20th of December 2013 08:23:59 PM

texas yankee · Senior Member

My son also walked away from rehab - but turned around and walked back - it happens - and by the grace of God (nothing at all that I could do to make it happen) he eventually turned away from crystal meth. For me, accepting step 1 was a huge help - that and the "Three Cs" - I still worry, frequently - I cry a lot, and i find myself exercising and doing mindless tasks to distract myself - and I find myself praying constantly sometimes - for my son, sure, but mainly for me that I can somehow find the strength to get out of Gods way so He can be active in my son's life - whether God is able to help him (the "free will" thing) or not we will see - but I know for sure that nothing I'd do would put him on the right path- it is his decision - I am truly powerless.

Frustrated, anxious, sometimes an emotional wreck for sure, but powerless to do anything about it

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Gaby)))) put as much commitment, strength, courage and loyalty into your own recovery as you do his. If you don't have you, you cannot have anyone at all. smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby....I read your entire thread and again, U got the best ES&H you could get on a recovery board........

This board is only a *supplement* for recovery...you need the meetings.....steps with a good sponsor....talking, reaching out to trusted fellow recovery mates you can TALK with, not just writing on this board...it is not enough...meetings and sponsor guiding you on the steps and slogan practice, ALL of the program suggestions are there becuz they WORK...But you gotta do it ALL...alanon is not going to grab you by the scruff and force you...HP is not gonna force his help on you....You gotta reach out for it....You gotta make the move and GRAB onto it!!!!!

I agree with Paula, I cannot lift you, either, none of us here can...We give you ES&H and now it is time for you to put the good suggestions to work for you....It is time for ACTION..... I can give you over to your HP and pray for you , but thats it....YOU need to decide to take care of YOU and do whatever it takes to get you focused on YOU.......PEACE!!!!

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Gaby, I hear a lot of desperation in your words and I remember when I felt that way, when all I could do was focus on HIM and what HE was doing and I felt as though I couldn't take it any more....and that was just before I finally surrendered and started working the steps and healing. So my instincts tell me that you are right where you need to be right now....at the point where you just can't take it anymore...I hope that you are able to put your fears for your son aside and really start to find recovery for yourself. If you can put just a fraction of that love and concern that you have for your son into caring for you, your whole world can begin to change and become better for you and for him.

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