Today.. - Al-Anon Family Group

Gaby · Senior Member

Today..

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Gaby)))

Here are a few helpful suggestions from the "Just for Today" Alanon bookmark

JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
JUST FOR TODAY I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.
JUST FOR TODAY I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
JUST FOR TODAY I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I dont want to do just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
This worked for me when all else failed.
Many prayers for your family

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 20th of December 2013 10:55:46 AM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Wise words from an AA who counsels with families of addicts. " Yes, the addict can be forced to get sober"

The mother: " But I've tried everything. He won't listen to reason. I've yelled and complained, paid the bills, threatened him - nothing works

Of course not. This is you applying the force and that never works. I suggest you stop taking action. The only force that can change the addict's pattern is the pressure that builds up inside him when the family refuses to
react any longer. When he can't count on your helping him, when you won't assuage his guilt by fighting with him, and you refuse to get him out of trouble then he'll be compelled to face up to things. In other words, try inaction instead of constantly figuring out something to do with him.

Today's Reminder

It is not easy to restrain ourselves from the reacting to what others do that seems to affect us. A healthy detachment brings about the very changes we were powerless to make by continually fighting the problem.

God helps those who don't try to take over His work......

Get a candle and light that candle for your son and pray for him. Pray to God to please take your pain away and help you understand what you are doing to yourself.

We are here...you are not alone.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Great shares here.
Gaby, I understand that anxiety but I also realised at some point in my recovery that I can control my thoughts and attitudes with rational thought. Its not easy to think things through and put them into a clearer perspective but its much better than being at the mercy of your own emotions.

It could be that you may need to find the root of your thought processes, I had to take a good, honest look at me to work out why I felt the way I did. It turns out that I was a control freak, wanting to control everyone in my life, I did not love unconditionally, I only loved parts of the people in my life and tried very hard to change the parts I didnt like. I got something out of the worry and anxiety I felt living with an addict, I became addicted to the intensity of my life and it allowed me to focus on another rather than myself, I was scared to look at myself and my own part, I didn't like myself and the addict validated me because at least I was better than them, well thats what I thought. I lived my life through the alcoholic, he took centre stage and I lost myself. The person I became through living with this disease was very resentful, angry, hurt, miserable, frustrated and my behaviour and attitude reflected this. I mean I wore dark colours most of the time, I didn't wear make up or even try to look good because I wanted people to feel sorry for me as I felt sorry for myself. I was definitely insane living with this and I am grateful for Alanon because I have got some (not all) of my sanity back. I follow the 'Just for Today' card that Hotrod has shared and that helps me stay away from depression and self pity. Your son's life is his to live in any way he chooses, what about you? how do you want to live your life?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I was going back and looking at my posts over this last year. What a mess I am....lol Oldergal posted this in one of my threads....

Rumination is defined as the compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions.[1] Rumination is similar to worry except rumination focuses on bad feelings and experiences from the past, whereas worry is concerned with potential bad events in the future.[1] Both rumination and worry are associated with anxiety and other negative emotional states.[1]

Then I looked up Codependency, because that is what I was doing I was being codependent. Which means to me, that I was putting my self in my son's shoes and feeling emotionally and almost physically like his problems were MY problems I worried about him all day as if his experience was happening to me. I had to STOP that thinking it was making me insane. I could not and can not control his experience he is a separate person from me.

Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[2] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[2] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[2] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

When I really believed this is what was happening to me and did not deny it anymore, things started changing. But I couldnt deny that I was thinking in this distorted way.

This is what helped me, I hope it may help you even a little. And last but not least I had to be around people and that took effort, but it helped too.

In support Oldergal

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Prayers to you...Please read

Monday, December 28, 2009

Open Letter from the Alcoholic

The chairperson at a meeting I attended recently, who is also a member of AA, shared on this "Open Letter to the Alcoholic," which I've always thought was very powerful. I hadn't read it for a while, so it was a good reminder to me. The letter appears in the Al-Anon pamphlet "Three Views of Alcoholism." If you're not familiar with it, I've included it here:

Open Letter from the Alcoholic

I am an alcoholic. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you.

Your Alcoholic

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Open Letter from the Alcoholic